Yesterday (11th) was 11 months since My Lady passed away. 11 fucking months… I’ve managed to ignore it for the most part and I spent a few hours in our UN meeting last night. Much needed. We had the best laugh in ages.
I’m struggling to keep my shit together today though. They have a classic hit radio station on and for the most part it’s been fine. Today however a few songs My Lady loves came on. It’s was all I could do not to burst into tears.
I started writing this post a few days ago now. I’ve been exhausted all week and have had no motivation at all. All I’ve wanted to do is sleep when I’m not at work. For some reason my right hip has been hurting quite bad at times, particularly when I’m in bed. I have no idea what it is but it kept me awake until half 3ish the other night. Seems I need to stay dosed up for it not to hurt. It’s quite painful too. Great, yet another problem to deal with. I’m guessing it might be because I’m standing all day at work. How many more things? Jebus, how many times have I said that over the last year? Year… Is it really that long? Not far off it. How the hell I’m going to feel on that day I don’t know, but sure as hell it’s not going to be fun. I’m considering taking the day off that day but again, I can’t really afford to.
So Friday came at last. Robb Flynn’s happy hour was on as usual. Knowing I’d be having a late night, I was going to have a nap but that didn’t happen. After a hot shower I was wide awake, if still depressed. I decided to dose myself up on coffee for the rest of the evening and just get up whenever I wake in the morning. No need for an alarm this time.
One of our friends knows Matt Alston, the Machine Head drummer. After the happy hour we all jump on Zoom for our usual UN after party. After about half hour who should pop up in the meeting? Matt Alston. Mental. One by one we are meeting the whole band in Zoom. Love it.
For the most part, Matt just wanted to “lurk” to see what us headcases were like. Once the dildo nun chucks came out though, he challenged Dildotello to take one end in his mouth down to the chain. OMFG! He said he would give him some drumsticks and hook him up at the next gig, whenever that will be.
Obviously Dildotello was not happy about this. A completely straight guy, the thought of having that in his mouth, made of rubber or not, completely did his head in. Matt then set a timer on his phone. No pressure then! Just hilarious. To his credit, Dildotello tried, twice, but obviously being 12″+long, it was never going to happen. I haven’t laughed that hard in months. I needed that so much after my shitty week.
Once Matt had left, we spent the rest of the night (some stayed up till gone 6am!) ripping Dildotello and buzzing off of Matt joining us for the evening. It was gone half 3 by the time I finally went to bed. Happy Friday!
I woke today at gone midday. Last time that happened, it put me in a right shitty mood. Not this time. Once again I am not only grateful for my nearest and dearest, but my Headcase family too. A lot of us had had a crappy week and we all made a point of pulling each other out of the downer.
A new member joined us last night. We did warn her how crazy we get but last night definitely upped the anti on craziness. A little shocked at first, she soon got into the swing of things. I think she may be back for more at some point. Seems a nice (crazy) enough lady.
I don’t know why, but it feels like Sunday today. Thanks the Gods it’s not! I am well slept, I’ve eaten and I’m relatively calm. I’m still depressed and to this day I can’t go 5 minutes without missing My Lady. I’m still in dis-belief at times.
I mean… how the fuck did we end up here…?
Covid is REALLY out of control now and the NHS is about to burst. Wouldn’t it be about right that something would happen that would require me to be hospitalised when the local hospital is beyond capacity? The place is full already.
When I first went back to work, the guy I started with hadn’t turned up. Later that day we find out he is having a Covid test. Yesterday we found out he got a positive result. I had been working with him for over two weeks leading up to Christmas. So my Princeling and I need to get a test. I’ve now had a test twice in the last couple of weeks or so. I’m more convinced than ever that I have it. My cough isn’t half as bad but I can still tell my lungs aren’t right.
We managed to get a test for 9am this morning. Now we have to isolate until we get the result. I’ll be genuinely surprised if I don’t have it. Given the damage to my immune system that the grief has done, if this is a cold I’m surprised I’ve not ended up really ill.
Our results both came back negative. Something I suppose. I felt some relief when I got the result but not as much as you might have thought. I’m soul tired. I don’t have much fight left in me any more. I’ve been fire fighting on so many levels ever since I lost My Lady. This job isn’t paying enough and I have no idea how things will play out. It’s more than possible that my workplace may close. If that happens, then it’s game over for us.
On Thursday the most crazy thing happened in the US. Trump had wound up his supporters so much they stormed the Senate and White House! They actually managed to break in without much trouble. Confederate flags abound along with MAGA hats and flags. The biggest bunch of retarded bigots you’ve ever seen in modern times.
The below image sums it up.
In the end, four people lost their lives. Insane. Trump has become even more unhinged, if that’s even possible. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook and others have all permanently banned his accounts. The Democrats are looking to impeach him for a second time. At least that way, he won’t be able to run for President again in 2024. Various authorities are starting investigations in to his financial dealings. Scotland are even investigating him for money laundering.
The scene in DC was straight out of a movie. A bad, poorly written movie. Just the fact that they were able to get into the White House without being shot, is incredible. Biden made a good point in one of his speeches denouncing the violence. The disparity in the force used in the BLM protests, which were peaceful I might add, was shocking. Incredible that the new President elect slammed the poor treatment of black people by the authorities. Some Trumptards even had the door held open for them when they were “escorted” from the White House. The whole thing looked like a coup de-tat and it looks like there might even be treason charges for some. I really hope Trump is one of them.
That night, Robb Flynn did an electric happy hour after all. We were on Zoom already as Robb had said there would be no happy hour this week. His mother is going into a home and he is clearing out her house. See? How many celebrities share stuff like that?
So after a while Rob and Jmac, the bassist, start jamming songs off of the “And Justice For All” album by Metallica. Straight away I ask for my favourite off that album, “Shortest straw.
Chugfest…
As soon as Robb saw my request, he went straight into it. Legend. A couple of hours later, after the show, we all unmute our mic’s (We never left Zoom during the show) and carried on with our UN meeting. I thoroughly enjoyed myself all night. Much needed. I think it was around half three when I finally went to bed.
The Iraqi lad (Mr Milk from now on) said he would take us on a tour of Amman on Zoom this afternoon. How cool is that? He took us to a chill spot of his where he goes to watch the sunset. Luckily, it was actually sunset when he arrived there so we watched it with him. Crazy watching this live when you’re cooking at lunchtime.
Mr Milk is a lovely guy. Early twenties, son of an oil investor and not short of a penny or two. Despite his affluent life, he is very humble and always wants to help his friends. He is so funny too. 16 bedrooms and 8 bathrooms… Jeez, how the other half live. We hassled him into showing us around and he was embarrassed the whole time. Like I said, very humble and a lovely guy.
Once we’ve eaten and cleared the kitchen down, I decide to play some Modern Warfare Warzone. A few headcases play it so I joined them. My Princeling has installed it now too and we were going to play together. Only my PC decides to start being a dick again. I’ve had a good run with this one. It must be 5-6 years old by now. I give up, uninstall it and leave it downloading again overnight. 84gb… Crazy.
So I’m now in bed finishing off this blog. I still have no idea if I should publish little blogs or not. Doesn’t matter really I guess, I’m not trying to please any fans.
Up at 6:30am. Lets see how long I overthink my empty bed tonight…
Night friends. x
Just as I’m about to hit publish, I realise that it’s now the 11th. 11 months to the day since I lost My Lady. Unbelievable… Fuck… My… Life…
So back to work this morning. They had a stock take at the weekend. Apparently no one thought it might be a good idea to actually record the audit. As a result we can’t touch anything yet they still want us in. 8 hours cleaning the same bench… I mean… What the actual? I’m not complaining but there’s no point my even being here. Whatever, I’m getting paid still.
At least I get to see the hospital every break. Drive the same route to work every day as the route I took to say goodbye (twice) to My Lady. Fun times.
I’m so glad to get the holiday period over with. I have enough reminders to deal with. The next six weeks are going to be hell. Precious’ birthday, happens to be the same day My Lady went into hospital. Two weeks after that it will be a year since My Lady passed away. 3 days later is Valentine’s Day. A few weeks after that, the anniversary of her funeral, then the very next day would have been our 14th anniversary of us getting together. What a bunch of crap.
Tuesday.
We have some work to do so I’m grateful for that. My new Italian friend at work and I had some good chats. He agreed to teach me some Italian. I always wanted to learn Italian. My Lady loved it when I sent sexy messages to her in Italian. Good ol’ google translate.
So last night, that disgusting creature Bojo announced another full national lockdown. Great. Back to March then. Only it isn’t. Most people are ignoring a lot of it. Despite my fears about work, I’m grateful they are not shutting down. I can’t afford not to work now.
I’m sat in the car having my lunch. I just can’t shift my despair over losing My Lady. I’m hiding it ok but I’m actually dying inside right now. I’m sick of it. I’m going to try and find the lock of My lady’s hair tonight. I put it away when I first got it but I can’t remember where I put the keepsake box. I just need to feel her in some way… Any way. Let’s see how my evening goes. Shit probably. Couldn’t sleep again last night, so I’ll need another early night. Every time I do, I miss the UN meetings I’ve had so much fun in.
I can never make my mind up if I should build up the days thoughts and publish at the end of the day.
The worst year of my life is almost at an end. You’d think I’d be thinking ‘Thank the gods that’s over, next year will be better.’ wouldn’t you? Well… Not so much.
Question: Why on earth would 2021 be any better? The worst thing has already happened to me. The pandemic is simply out of control and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we both get it. The new Covid variant is raging through the nation at an alarming rate. It makes the original almost look tame.
Despite the lack of mask wearing at my work, I’m hoping and praying that they don’t close the place down. As awful as the job is, without the (pitiful) wages, we would be screwed. We may be anyway.
My Princeling and I agreed to convene at half 11 to see the new year in together. Personally, I wanted to ignore the whole thing, just like Christmas, but as a parent I obviously feel obligated to carry the ritual out. He has been in his own space most of the day. We have dinner and a chat together and he retires back to his room, falls asleep and misses midnight, bless him. I spend the evening on Zoom with my Machine Head friends until My Princeling and I are due to reconvene. I can’t wake him up though. I try a few more times before midnight but he is dead to the world. I don my pink robe and go back on Zoom to find everyone else in their pink robes too. Funny. It’s become a thing to cover 80’s songs in a pink robe. Obviously more to that story but like I said… It’s a thing.
Much as my Princeling and I want to say a resounding “F**K YOU!!” to 2020, neither of us are under any illusion that anything will change. Why would it? The Cosmos has no concept of our calendar. “May 2021 better better for you.” I keep hearing people say to me. Retards. Yes, I know… They mean well, but people don’t think about what they are actually saying. To be fair, why would they? It’s another layer to grief you can know nothing about unless you’ve been through it. It’s become a standard programmed greeting for most people. As time progresses, people forget the shock and pain they may have felt when My Lady first passed away and carry on with their lives and fade away… Naturally… It’s what happens.
Every calendar event of the year holds a completely different meaning for me now. “Happy” New year, Christmas, birthday etc etc. I don’t care about any of it any more. The only reason I go through the motions is for the kids. The Christmas tree is still up… Purely because I don’t want to go through the pain of packing away the tree decorations we collected over the years. We purchased at least one on every holiday we ever went on. I’ll get it done today though. I’m tired of looking at it now.
I’m due to return to work Monday. I’m not looking forward to it. Hanging around with low rent scumbags is not something I relish. It still reminds me of all the shitty jobs I had when I was in my twenties. Nothing to strive for and the minute you mention “Progression”, they look at you like you’re either stupid or crazy. I’m struggling to see a way out of this today as well. I haven’t stopped looking for better jobs, but they seem either too far away, or they’re shift jobs.
I still have this bug but it’s fading now. Although I had a negative Covid test, I’m mystified as to why I still have a cough. Generally I don’t get coughs when I’m ill. I never have. I worried for a moment as I coughed and blew my nose into a tissue this morning and there was blood on it. ‘Shit’ I thought. Luckily it seems I was blowing my nose too hard. It will be interesting to see if anyone at work has anything to say about my being ill. I haven’t told the agency or the factory. It’s not Covid and I need to earn. Myself and my new Italian friend are the only ones who wear masks and regularly wash and sanitize our hands, they don’t give a shit if they either catch or transmit anything. My trainer was sniffling in my first week so this is probably from her. Have it back FFS!
My Princeling has gone to stay with Precious for a few days. The new year is getting off to the expected start. He’s struggled like all three of us over the last week or two and needed a break from the house. Precious will have been glad to leave too, for the same reason. My Princeling and I have been constantly surrounded by the home and life we had built over those 13 years, for nearly a full year. It’s been a blessing and a curse. I can’t imagine what it must be like for Precious, being away all the time and coming back to “Home” and her mother isn’t there. A gaping hole in this house that can never be filled… Ever.
So once my Princeling was gone, I poured myself a strong JD and coke and had a cigarette inside for the first time in ages… Decadent much. I potter around for a bit but then I’m bored, then I get down, then I put a depressing playlist on, then I get morose… Great… This again, how new. Work Husband and I have a couple of chats, but other than that I kept myself to myself. In the end, I get bored with being bored, annoyed about being down and angry about being morose. I finish some housework and check to see who’s on Zoom. Most of us were indeed on so we spent the night chatting shit and abusing each other, same as every UN meeting. I think it was around half 2 when I finally fell asleep.
Yesterday I woke around midday. That alone put me in a funny mood. I have to get up at 6:30 on Monday and I’m not helping myself by staying up so late. The guys really do help me feel better though when I’m having a bad time. I can say what I like and all I get back is love. There’s even a guy who lost his wife too, so I know someone actually gets it. After all these months, I’m still trying to figure out how/why we have got so close beyond the obvious. I’m not used to people being like this when I haven’t even met them. It sets alarms bells going off all around my head as we spent years avoiding getting too close to people and/or trusting them.
Having got up so late yesterday, I was determined not to go to sleep late. We have done “UN” meetings every night for days now. It’s rare we don’t drink together when we do and most of us can’t keep that up for too long. Everyone is quiet this evening and most of us are too tired to party. I spend the remainder of my evening figuring out Heavy Metal riffs to “Careless Whisper” by George Michael. (The pink robe thing.) I’m mildly amused for a while but much as my brain wants to run with it, my body has had enough. Lets see how many hours I spend thinking about how empty the bed is. I’m starting to notice the shape of the topper changing now there’s only one person sleeping on it. Ugh. My soul is so tired of the reminders. I set an alarm for 10am. Let see what I think of that at 10 am!
I woke this morning and it wasn’t too bad. Just the usual body ache from the bug. It literally only took a few minutes for a depression to wash over me. I started listening to some upbeat tunes but then I switched to the rain/thunder sounds and have had it on loop ever since. I can feel my mental health declining. I need to get back in the saddle and crack on with life. Yet again, this is not the time to lose my shit.
I’ve been sat here writing this drivel for over an hour now. Productive much. I’ll have another coffee and crack on. Can’t sit here all day, every day… Can I…?
I got a negative result back. Good I suppose. For all my being dramatic about it, the whole thing is almost anticlimactic. I still feel like shit, just not Covid shit. It also still means that my Covid precautions aren’t working, so should Covid actually come along, then I’ll get it for sure. I don’t know how that would go if I got it while I still have this cold. Not well I suspect.
Ever since I started falling ill, the flashbacks started. It’s almost a year to the day when MyLady caught the bug that landed her in ICU. All my symptoms match My Lady’s, only I’m fighting it off it seems. For a while though I was a little scared. Followed by ‘F**k it, that’s about right for my year… Bring it on.’
I’m sat on the sofa tucked up under the fluffy purple blanket I got My Lady for Christmas last year and bemoaning the lack of Cherry Coke and chocolate. Randomly sniffing and coughing. Living my best life. I’m sick of feeling like this, so I’m having another nap. I haven’t got up from the last one. I don’t even care. I’d rather sleep than mong around, feeling like shit and overthinking my life.
After a four hour nap, I’m still sat under my My Lady’s blanket. Guess I should get up but I STILL can’t be arsed. I steel myself and get up. Mr C needs walking and I’m slipping into that crippling depression again. I can feel it building. This is very much not the time to fall apart, if ever there was one.
I quickly realise as I get ready for the walk that I haven’t gone on a proper walk for quite a while. Another bad indicator of my mental state. So Mr C and I take the scenic route and with a brisk pace too.
Once we get home, I crack on with yet more housework that has fallen by the wayside… Again.
I spoke to my dear friend and newly adopted sister this evening. Her mother had her cancer operation this morning. All went as well as it could have and we await the post op report. I am hoping so much that she will get the all clear, as much for my newly adopted sister as for her Mum. The whole thing is triggering her so bad. The last time someone she loved went into hospital, they didn’t come out.
I spoke to Work Husband today too. He has built an amazing retro arcade machine. Maybe one day I’ll even be able to try it out. Assuming we don’t have a full on apocalyptic societal breakdown in the meantime. Wouldn’t it be crazy if Mad Max turned out to be a true story? As mentioned previously, My Lady and I trained for years for that shit.
My Princeling and I watched TV for a while which was nice. We spend more time together these days. Once we’re done, he goes upstairs to chill and I spend most of the remaining evening on Zoom with my friends. Robb and JMac pop up on Facebook live for a subs club stream. They played most of my favourite songs too. Noice.
When the show was over we continue on Zoom. We only muted our microphones anyway. Before long though I’m exhausted, bid my friends good night and go to bed.
Sat here in bed now. No Cherry Coke, no brown MnM’s to comfort me. Ugh… I’m going to sleep… If I can. I still lie there every night in that huge empty bed, missing My Lady pulling me in tight to cuddle to sleep. That’s something that hasn’t changed since the day My Lady was admitted to hospital. I despise it… Every… Single… Night…
I woke up quite late today. Around 11am. My throat is so sore and dry I can barely talk at all. The cough has come on a lot too. Great. All symptoms that have been associated with Covid. My first reaction is to start looking for a test. Last time I tried, the system was completely over loaded and was giving me test sites in Northern Ireland! Today was different. It gave me a walk in test site at the Theatre in town. 388 slots available. I book myself in for 4pm.
It’s been drummed into me by the Government and my infection/covid control training that the only safe attitude is to assume you are infectious. The timing is simply stunning. First we were worried about getting Precious home for Christmas, now we’re worried about getting her home for work. Now in tier 4, she is not supposed to leave the tier 4 area… At all. The rules can be so confusing sometimes. You are allowed to go to work for instance. What if you have to commute out of your tier area? Even aside from all this, now I’m ill, all 3 of us have to self isolate at least until I get a negative result back and a lot longer if it’s positive. We are so screwed if I have it. Short to medium term at least. Precious and my Princeling will need testing, Precious will be stuck here and I won’t be able to go to work either. Precious and I are randomly laughing maniacally at how ridiculously insane the whole situation is… Again. We have felt the same all year in this regard. Just one thing after another, after another. If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while, you will know what I mean. Constantly being battered by ever worsening situations, it still blows me away. I mean… How much crap can happen in one persons life in a year, never mind the last few?
I tell my Subs Club family about it and the outpouring of well wishes and love was amazing. They are all genuinely concerned for me. Love them all.
This last week or so I have felt very insular. I don’t have the emotional energy to be social. The odd call or zoom, but even then, I’m the quiet one in the room. Mostly just listening to them, making the odd comment here and there. I couldn’t be bothered with zoom tonight. I just don’t have the energy for interaction and yet I feel mentally alert enough to sit here catching up with my blogs.
While I’m writing this, I’m listening to all the tunes I’ve put together, both from way back in 2007 and this year. It’s interesting and not a little cool to have a ‘list’ of songs even if they’re not finished. Well, I’m running out of things to say for now. I have my Earl Grey and still have lots of brown MnM’s. Oh… Its nearly 2am… How did that happen?
So today is Christmas day. Our normal routine is for the kids to come in our bedroom and open their stockings at the end of our bed with My Lady and I still tucked up. That wasn’t happening this year. We didn’t even need to talk about it. It would have been so weird considering My Lady’s ashes would have been right behind them. We convene downstairs and open the presents. They seem happy enough with what I bought them. While doing this, Mr T decided to do the most heinous poo and stinks the whole house out. Poor Precious has a migraine coming, probably due to stress. Understandable. None of us are showing it though. Strange. She goes to bed in the hope of getting rid of it. This is the quiet bit of Christmas morning anyway. Reflection time…
I had a slight tickle in the back of my throat last night. Great… I know exactly what that tickle means. A bug of some sort. I haven’t been ill in over a year and a half.
As Christmas day progresses, so does the tickle in my throat. By the afternoon, I have quite a cough and my throat is sore as hell. Joy… One last kick in the bollocks from 2020 and there’s not even a week left of the year.
I prepared the usual Christmas meal, crying on and off throughout the process. Yet another thing we did together. We set the table, same as every year. Only it’s not the same as every year. Only 3 places were set. We have our meal and at the end I raise my drink to them. Even up to that moment, I didn’t know if I was going to say “To Mum.” or what? In the end I simply said “Cheers.” I’ve had the impression that the kids didn’t want to say the words… So I didn’t. We haven’t discussed My Lady at all as yet. We clear the table down and I start some of the washing up. We watch a movie and some Star Trek Discovery afterwards. By this time, it’s abundantly clear I have caught a bug of some kind.
Precious and my Princeling went to chill in their rooms, so I took the opportunity to jump on zoom to catch up with my Subs Club friends. I didn’t stick around long but I felt the need to touch base with them, even though we all chat constantly in Facebook Messenger. Still, every time we talk, I come away feeling like I have got a little closer to them.
I’m in bed with the usual Earl Grey tea and brown MnM’s writing some more of this drivel. Time for sleep now though, so I curl up in my vast bed and add the worry about maybe having just got Covid to the horror tapestry my mind weaves whenever I turn out the light and try to go to sleep… I just love bedtime… Still…
So, having major performance anxiety over the presents I got for Precious and my Princeling, I’m sat in Burger King having done some more present shopping. I managed to walk past Lush this time. I have Machine Head on my earphones. My burger isn’t even hot. I can’t be arsed to even mention it so I inhale the whole thing as quick as I can. Wow, I must have been starving. I haven’t felt hungry all day and it’s two o’clock now.
Precious and my Princeling seem to want to hibernate and have stayed in their rooms a lot of the time. I can’t say I blame them. I’ve tried a few times to get them to come out of it but they’re not happy. There just not voicing it. Same here. I nearly broke down a few times when in town. I’m home now and about to wrap everything. Ever the last minute monkey…
So, it’s all wrapped and good to go. We spend a little while chatting, then the kids go and hibernate again. I join my Subs Club friends for a couple of hours then go to bed. One guy was completely smashed On JD and coke and was gibbering like an imbecile. While most of us have a drink or two (or more) when we hold a Zoom meeting (Referred to as the UN meeting from now on.) it’s rare that any of us would be that drunk. There would be no point as we enjoy our intellectual debates as much as we enjoy the immature penis jokes. (Long story.) I simply don’t enjoy being around anyone that drunk.
I called it a night, bid my friends goodnight and tried to go to sleep. Despite being exhausted, as usual I lie there for what seems an eternity in the biggest, loneliest bed in the world… I feel so alone…
I’m sitting in my car having my tea break. The car park is opposite the hospital where My Lady passed away. On Saturday that disgusting creature, Bojo, announced that Christmas is pretty much cancelled. A new strain of Coronavirus has appeared in the South East. 70% more transmissible, it seems to be rampant. As a result Precious can only stay for Christmas day. How the hell is that going to work? Simple… It won’t. As a family, we have been more socially responsible than most but I’ll be damned if I’m not having her home as planned. I’ll drive up there on an emergency evac tomorrow if I have to.
Tuesday…
I came home from work yesterday and Precious was already here. Since My Lady’s passing, I felt the strong urge to create a new online persona. As a result, I have two Facebook accounts now. The original one is rarely used any more since bonding with my Subs Clubs friends. Precious had sent me messages reminding me that she was coming, yet I had it in my head that she was coming today. Strange. It’s not like I didn’t know. That’s old me behaviour. I don’t like that very much. Still, she is home and I’m the happiest I’ve been in I don’t know how long. I’m annoyed I didn’t get the house spotless before she came. I always like to make a big effort when she comes.
I’m just about to take Mr C for a walk. It’s drizzling. Just the kind of rain I like to walk in when I’m feeling contemplative. I think I’ll listen to my meditations playlist while I’m out. I might have a hot shower when I get back, it depends on how cold I am. I seriously need to cut back on the Lush baths though. My Gas bill this month… Yikes!
The drizzle dry’s up almost as soon as I set foot out of the house. Of course it does… It tries a few times while we are out and each time I raise my face to the sky, wishing it would rain harder. For some reason this is important to me. I’ll wait until it starts again and nip out for a short walk.
One thing that occurred to me while I was out walking through the copse of oaks trees. For years, maybe even since we first moved to the Ham, every winter whenever walking in the copses, I always have this image of a huge branch breaking off and flattening me. Seriously, every year. It’s not as irrational as you might think. Again, every year, there are many times when a huge limb has fallen on the footpaths we walk most days. Even quite a few whole trees have ended up completely blocking the path.
‘What a stupid way to die.’ I thought to myself. Sounds about right.
Wednesday…
I’ve spent all day blitzing the house. I’m so exhausted I’m going to bed early…
Well, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged again. My life has pretty much continued from where my last blog left off. I’m still wading through this cluster of meltdowns.
The new job has been an interesting experience. As you know, I had washed and ironed all of my smart shirts in anticipation of (hopefully) making a good impression at this new job. I needn’t have bothered. The whole shop floor was about as low rent as it gets. The lady training me is a former heroin addict as is her brother who also works there. Most of them are young guys, who spend most of their day listening to Eminem (I hate it.) and talking about getting high or laid. It makes my skin crawl.
Minimum wage, little to no chance of progression and zero hope of a pay rise. One thing I’ve learned this year is that you should be grateful for (very) small mercies. As shit as it is, at least I have a job. Many others don’t. The only thing I’m concerned about really is getting us through the next year or two. My Princeling through college and Precious as financially stable as I can make her.
Friday was the 11th. Ten months to the day since My Lady passed away. I have no idea why, but even when I’m aware of it being the 11th, it only really hits me in the afternoon/evening. It really hits me hard though. Friday night is Machine Head acoustic happy hour and I look forward to this every week. Us “Subs club” members are so close now, we have a zoom meeting before and after the show. We even have the odd random zoom meeting in the week. Feeling so crappy on Friday, I was so looking forward to seeing them. They know what’s happened to me have have gone out of their way to help in any way they can. One couple all the way up North in Chester have said that all I need to do if I need someone is message them and they will come to me. I’m blown away by that. Incredible people.
Friday night and last night we got together and spent hours and hours chatting shit and drinking. I was nodding off by 1 am but some of the others carried on until 8 am! We got together last night too. Some were still hungover. These new friends… At the risk of being repetitive, I’m still blown away by their kindness and how much we’ve bonded. So many of us have been or are traumatised in some way. It’s good to have some more decent people in my life. I’m still cripplingly lonely. I’m sick of it. My closest are wonderful but they too have their own grief or mental health issues to deal with. Much as we would all like to, we are not always in the right head space to help each other out. The good thing is we all accept this and none of us take offence when someone goes off the radar sometimes.
Saw work husband and my dear friend and newly adopted brother this week. It’s so incredibly rare to see anyone I know these days. Work husband has finally moved out of his flat into a nice house only five minutes away. It’s always good to see him. We are both looking forward to being able to drop by on the off chance.
So it’s Sunday evening now. I made a point of getting as much of the Sunday routine as possible done yesterday. I knew I wouldn’t have it in me to get it all done today. It’s hard to give a damn about housework and so on when you’re depressed. Still, as ever, I do it anyway. I spent a couple of hours figuring out my finances. Time for some drastic cuts. I’m still grief spending a little on random trips to the local shop for something comforting. Usually bedtime chocolate and Cherry Coke. It’s amazing how much you can spend doing that every 2/3 days. So I finally decided to go to the local Tesco and do a proper shop. Old school, checking every price on the shelf and getting the cheapest I could find. It was so depressing. I hadn’t done a shop with that head set since we were poor and living on benefits. Throughout my time in there I was simmering. I nearly cried at one point but I managed to head that off at the pass.
Given the financial austerity I got a load of packed lunch items. Oh what a surprise… I got exactly the same things My Lady used to have in her lunch. I used to make hers every day. Red grapes, mini Soreen, Pepperami, cheese, and a bag of crisps. The announcement that the store is now closed came just as I walked through the exit. That was close. There’s a drizzle outside and a stiff breeze. I walk slowly back to the car with my face turned up the the sky, the rain soaking my face. The big black cloud above me fits my mood quite well. Is this really my life now? Scouring shop shelves for the cheap and nasty versions of all the items we used to get without a single thought. The only concession I made was for a small bag of MnM’s for bedtime. I even felt guilty about that. I forgot what it was really like to shop this way. I genuinely believed it would never be like that again.
I’m not playing guitar as much these days. I still play most nights but I don’t have as much time or energy to keep it up like I have most of this year. I’ve spent more time recording and mixing than anything else. The audio clip at the top of this page is one such recording. I just wanted to play what I felt. I certainly seem to have achieved that. It’s very melancholy. It was never supposed to be a proper song, more of an experiment in creating moods. I have to say, it sounds very much like how I felt at the time. In fact, most of the time.
Some of the subs club members are also musicians and we have been bouncing clips at each other for critique and/or to collaborate on some of it. That in itself is a new thing to me. Quite fun too. Hmm… “What is this “Fun” you speak of?” I seem to have lost touch with it’s meaning. Fun is a very relative word now. Nothing is genuine fun any more. Every single element of my life is still consumed by the loss of My Lady on one level or another.
I decided to make the effort to make a roast dinner this evening. I’ve avoided doing this for months. It’s just another thing we used to do together. The smell, the taste, all bring back memories. We also always used to eat watching TV together. Last year we really got into Star Trek Discovery. I tried to bring back some of that old routine and found a completely new series. ‘Cool’ I thought. ‘At least something I can get into’. At first it was ok. 3/4 of the way through it got harder and harder. My Lady would have loved the story line. That made me emotional. By the end of the episode, I was just staring blankly at the screen, barely taking any of it in, feeling more and more morose. The episode ended and switched the TV off and took my empty plate out to the kitchen with no intention of washing up or even tidying up out there.
So now I’m back at my desktop listening to the above track on repeat. What is it with that? I still deliberately put on depressing music of some sort, knowing full well it will make me feel worse.
On top of all this, Christmas is looming. Precious, my Princeling and I have always known this Christmas will be awful. I have no idea how to approach it with them. Should I try and make it like it always was or something new? If I try to keep it the same, will the kids resent it? Will it make them feel worse? Damned if I know. My Dad wants to come up and visit us but I don’t want anyone here really. The kids and I just want to hide in our bubble right here. I guess that might change, but for now I’m going to arrange to go down to the Mouth to visit my Dad and co. Assuming of course that Covid doesn’t go crazy between now and then.
So Sunday is nearly over and the week begins anew. Joy… Rapture that cannot be counted on ones fingers… This year keeps on throwing shit at me, again and again. Just like all the other things, I’ve said this all year. It never stops.
Today can get lost now… I would say ‘Let tomorrow not be quite such an arse.’, but I know it will be. Why would anything change? I can’t see one thing happening any time soon that will do anything other than depress or stress me out still further. I say this again and again but how I don’t just curl up and give up on life is beyond me. I’m not into self harm at all, but if I could just switch life off… Totally… Permanently… I would.
As I start typing this, I have no idea what I want to say yet. I just feel the need to write.
The last few shit days have turned into the last few shit weeks and there’s no sign of it letting up. I just miss My Lady so fucking much. How will I ever recover from this? One thing is for sure, I’ll never be the person I was before My Lady passed away. He is dead.
Nine and a half months in and much as I know these mental health issues come and go, the “average” if you like, is just shit. Really shit. So I called the doctor as I hadn’t talked to him in a fair while. He’s been great. We both agreed that the medication isn’t the problem here so he is referring me to the surgery’s new mental/physical health coach. Whatever that means.
There wasn’t an acoustic happy hour this week so us subs club members had a video conference. We were talking for over 5 hours. One of the guys had recently had to put his dog down, so we all chipped in on a Machine Head merch bundle. A few stupid toys too. It made his day. Noice.
So today I have been taking care of finances and further job hunting. It’s not looking good. I’m still depressed and now I have anxiety almost constantly. I’m not having fun at all. I miss My Lady so much. I still can’t believe she’s gone.
I called the agency that contacted me about the hospital job. They’ve not heard from them so that’s off the table for now. The agent then mentions a lighting company not too far way. They even do home automation solutions, much like my previous tech role. It’s pretty poor pay, but it seems I can progress there. Assuming they are not just employing for Christmas. I’ll be the tenth person recruited this week. So he makes a couple of calls and calls me back presently. I start tomorrow morning… Say what now…? Really?
It took a few minutes to sink in. Then I just broke down in relief. Cried my eyes out for a while. Clearly my financial situation was stressing me out more than I realised.
So… I need to prep for tomorrow. I fish out all of my smart shirts so I can iron them, then it hits me again. I haven’t done a work prep evening since My Lady and I did it together. Clearing remaining housework, making lunch. Flashbacks to a million times making lunches for My Lady. I’d even purchased the same lunch items My Lady had every day.
Early bath and bed for me. Need to be frosty on the morrow. Our worries are not over by a long shot but this could not have come at a better time. I was wondering if my shit luck was ever going to improve.
Surreal: adjective. Having the qualities of surrealism; bizarre. “a surreal mix of fact and fantasy”
No shit…
This week has been another strange one. The winter depression kicked in pretty hard this week. I’ve had a nap at some point almost every day for a week. Not a good sign. I’ve also been feeling particularly lonely. I’ve been quite insular at the same time. Weird.
I only had work Monday and Friday morning this week. Enough time to try and get my head around this caring job… Still. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to do it long term. It takes too much out of me. I have options though, as I have had a nibble or two from recruitment agencies. More options than I know what to do with to be honest. Great problem to have but still… Mental overload. I have a couple of clients that I’m bonding with so those ones are stress free mostly. I’ve learned what they need now.
I just can’t shake this latest depression. I can feel it’s starting to eat me up a bit. I’m struggling with bedtimes again. Lying there curled up as tight as possible, yet feeling an ocean of empty space around me. It feels like the bed could be going for miles. Interestingly I found myself over on ‘my’ side of the bed this morning. That’s new. Anyway, Thursday evening I’m done with the day early, sick of feeling morose and mooching around the house. Seemed like a good idea to go and feel morose in bed instead. I log in to Facebook and there’s a Machine Head “Subs club” live stream on. Perfect timing. So I’m watching it and Robb is talking away, but I can’t hear anyone else. I ask why in the chat and it turns out Robb randomly decided to do a zoom meeting for us. There were only 10-15 members there. No way? I get the code and password and holy crap, I’m in a zoom meeting with Robb Flynn and the rest of the nut jobs I’ve been hanging around with on Friday nights. Just… Wow. We all kind of “know” each other from the live chat so it was great to actually meet them. Bunch of absolute nutters. I’m in good company.
I missed most of it and none of us were prepared for it either. I had just got in bed, naked under the sheets, bad lighting, mic not setup… I wasn’t alone but in my haste, I didn’t even think about being topless in a room that looked like it was in a red light district what with the salt lamps. I also didn’t think about the zoom meeting turning into Robb’s NFR podcast. Robb usually interviews some famous rock star for his podcast but this was spontaneous.
We were all blown away. A handful of fans from all over the world drinking beer and chatting shit. Hilarious. One guy was swinging a set of dildo nun chucks… Oh and did you know dildo’s were illegal in Iraq? Me either… You see… Crazy people! We all added each other on Facebook and continued talking till late. “Depression buddies” as one lady put it. Hmm. Maybe she’s right. It made me think of all the stereotypical angsty/depressed teenagers, bonding in depression and fandom. Lyrics that you relate to. Usually about sad or traumatic events of some kind. Well… I AM depressed. Some of these lovely people have been through crap too, heavy crap. Most of us are somewhere near 40 which makes it even funnier. Remember me saying about being a “Teeny fan”?
One of the guys in the group actually has Robbs phone number and we even set up a joke on someone with Robb in on it. Ever since, my phone won’t stop pinging as we are all still chatting. One of them is from Reading… Reading? Just up the road really. 15ish people planet wide and one of them basically lives next door.
I have no idea if it’s rare for a famous artist to do stuff like this or whether it’s a symptom of the pandemic. Either way, having spent so much time talking with each other and Robb this year, we genuinely feel connected. Even to Robb to an extent. I can say one thing, it’s a damn good way of getting/keeping fans. Accessibility.
So I’m sat on my sofa with the laptop bashing out this drivel. I feel like shit. Can’t be arsed to do anything, even play guitar. If I still feel like this on Monday, I’m calling the doctor. Not sure what he can do for me this time though. Simply changing the dose won’t fix it and I really don’t need another roller coaster as the new dose levels out. Maybe I can get to see a Psychiatrist. I’ve wanted to for a long time. To be able to open up completely, even those dark corners of the mind that never get aired. I think I need that. Maybe I could finally come to terms with some old demons that continue to haunt me. That would be interesting to say the least.
I haven’t blogged much recently. It seems it’s the grief that really gets me writing rather than depression and but as I type, I can feel the big heavy weight easing slightly. I had a quick chat with work husband today. It was all I could do to say “How you doing?” Apart from my Princeling, I haven’t talked to anyone all day. I can’t be bothered to poke anyone else now. I’ll just sit here depressed as hell, wait till my Princeling gets home and go to bed again. I might even have a nap in the meantime.
Why does life go around in circles again and again? Without a change in perception or behaviour, what else do I think would happen? The only thing that changes is the time intervals between events. The last few days have been hell. The colossal relief I felt when I found out I only had work Monday and Friday spoke volumes to me. It will be interesting to see how it goes. Not that confident to be honest.
As much as I don’t like big changes, part of me would stress if nothing changed. For example, the thought of a whole new career would stress me out anyway, but given my new situation, I HAVE to keep going regardless. So if I’m not moving forward with my new roles, I stress about that too. I can’t win. The penny dropped today that I’ll be expected to be available on Christmas eve and day. Yeah probably not. What, first Christmas without My Lady and you think I’m going to be working? It’s going to be awful as it is. The Christmas build up has started in earnest now. Christmas can fuck off. I’ll buy gifts and food etc, but one thing the three of us agree on is this Christmas is going to be real shit. Don’t bant it… No not.
I’ve been crying a lot over the last week or two. It’s getting exhausting. I just picked up my guitar to distract myself and I just can’t be bothered. It’s been going well too. All I want to do is go to sleep. My Princeling will be home soon and will want feeding. It’s been raining all day. I just feel like I’m clinging on until I can let go and go to sleep and escape this nightmare. It been so hard this week. It was the anniversary of My Lady’s passing and her funeral in the space of two days. Same as every month.
Live, die, repeat. Ad infinitum.
Everything is taking its toll on my mental health. Constantly worrying about work, Coronavirus, the kids, people who won’t look after themselves and more besides. I’m starting to snap at people. That’s new. I have nothing left to give. It takes all my mental and emotional capacity to just function in my job and family and if anything else comes along… Well I don’t know how I’ll cope. Probably by over reacting and ripping someone’s head off. Quite likely as I really don’t care what people think of me right now. It would be just my bloody luck, I’ll get Covid. Like I said, it’s closing in around me. I can feel my mind trying to go into denial mode again but I can’t let it. All very well when fully locked down and furloughed with nothing to do, but not productive.
This new found empathy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m empathising so much, it hurts. I need to not care so much in general. I feel myself detaching from a lot of things. Not what I wanted and a sure fire way of ending up very lonely. If I could even get any more lonely. I’m done trying to look after everyone else. With couple of exceptions, it’s not appreciated and the effect on my mental health… I’ve spiralled and now I’m in full triggered mode… Again… And around we go.
I don’t think anyone is going to buy this dead horse…
I have next to no work this week. Part of me is relieved. Yesterday’s funk has bled into today too and I really couldn’t be bothered to get out of bed this morning. As ever, I do it anyway. How the hell I’m able to break out of some these deep downers, I’ll never know. I guess I’ve trained myself to do a lot of this stuff on autopilot. When I have a chance to think about it, my anxiety picks up, then that creates anxiety itself and around we go… Again.
Again, (there is an awful lot of that word in my life) I know the only way to tackle anxiety it to meet head on whatever is causing it. So I do just that and now I’m sat here vacant rather than demotivated. Oh for a world class psychologist!… Again.
As I don’t have much to do, I think I’ll service the car and play guitar. I’m still getting right into Machine head. I’ve been watching the below gig on my other screen. Rocking set. Always cheers me up.
Music… Is life… x
By the evening I’ve become quite depressed again. Early night with the laptop. Watch one of the earlier happy hours and probably cry myself to sleep… Again…
Today my anxiety is off the scale. I’m considering stopping the caring. I won’t give up until there’s no other option, but I’m constantly either wound up about the coming visits, or stressed out during the visits. Usually both. For some reason the drive home is always unpleasant. Emotional release from empathising with the clients I guess. Who knows?
I feel like Covid is closing in around me. Well… It is. Work husband now has it, my newly adopted brother and sister have had it, another case announced at my Princelings college, one of my colleagues has it too. In fact, it not impossible that I’ve had it. I’ve been around all these people at some point and yet have not been ill all year. Not even a sniffle.
I’ve been regressing to the summer vibe, only it’s pissing down with rain and there’s a howling wind whipping up. Ugh. Took me 4 hours to get on and do something this morning and that was a pamper Lush bath. I just want the summer to come back. I always been a Sun worshipper. Literally at one point but that’s another story. My Lady and I were going to purchase a SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) lamp for this winter. I’ve always been a bit down in winter. Unless it snows of course. Even so…
Ran the hoover around a bit and that’s about it. I have my guitar on the stand next to my desk waiting for me to play it but it’s just sat there.
The penny dropped earlier… It’s nine months (11th) today that My Lady passed away.
Fuck… My… Life…
Ok, so that’s what part of the underlying emotions were about. I simply sent Precious an “I love you”, knowing full well she will be having a sad today too.
I’m done with today. Early night with the laptop and watch some IRacing.
You may remember me mentioning previously that I’ve been watching Machine Heads acoustic happy hour on Friday nights on Facebook live. Rob Flynn, the singer and founder started the shows when the pandemic first took hold and the world went into lockdown. It’s just him and sometimes the bassist, J fiddling around on acoustics playing a load of covers and obviously some of theirs. Interspersed with “Beers up!” and shout outs to all the people in the chat. I really relate to a lot of philosophical views he shares. It’s a really personal vibe. I joined the “Subs Club” after the first show I saw. One of the shows fell on my birthday and after all day feeling traumatised and grief stricken, I sat in bed with my laptop, cherry coke, and brown MnM’s, and watched the show. Rob gave me a shout out for my birthday and even played a song for me. Legend.
Last Friday, Rob did a subs club Facebook live show. Amazingly, there were only thirty-odd people in the room. Great, it was a much more personal event, we we all got to chat with Rob. Such a good laugh. He cheers me up so much, I look forward to the show all week. Gods help me, I’m becoming a “Fan!!!”… At forty six… Mental…
I’d listened to quite a few of their obvious, well known tracks for a few years now but never dived into their back catalogue until now. Love pretty much every song. I use the “Fan!!!” in inverted commas as it’s not something I’m known for. It’s the same with Steve Vai, and for the same reason. He also did lockdown live shows from his studio, discussing technique, and even got into the psychology of being a musician. Quite a lot of personal thoughts too. Again, I feel like I kind of know him a little. God how cheesy does that sound? Like some bloody teeny fan, obsessed with their hero. Hilarious. Obsessing is something I’m very good at now.
So in last Friday’s Machine head show, Rob said that someone had sent him a gift via their merch store. Machine Head are unusual in that they own and run the merch store themselves. He said if anyone wants to send a letter or anything, send it to their merch store address and they will get to read it. ‘Why not?’ I thought. So I emailed them to ask for their address. I intend to send a letter of gratitude for making my Friday nights for weeks. Don’t care what people think.
I’ve been learning some of their songs recently. I’m lucky enough to have several guitars which means I don’t have to mess around tuning up and down every time I want to change it. You have no idea how much of a pain in the arse it is to keep tuning up and down. It kills the strings quicker too. As the for the Jackson, well, I’m not drop tuning that yet. A double locking tremolo is notoriously annoying to set up. I’m no Luthier either.
I’ve been hibernating today. Still simmering, I’ve not spoken to anyone. Seems everyone is feeling insular today. It happens. None of us take offence anymore. All of us have suffered with our metal health at some point, and for a multitude of reasons. Friends (family) in adversity… Love every one of them.
Work tomorrow…
After last weeks melt down, I’ve had a chat with the office about changing it up with reduced hours for now. Neither they, nor I want me to go pop, and they are used to people struggling at first. I might not be crying my eyes out today, but I’ve done nothing but think about My Lady all day. I’m just so depressed. Still, all I want to do is sit in the garden in the summer and play guitar while having barbecue’s with my Princeling. We ‘loved’ it. Barbeque every day pretty much. A few cans of John Smiths, copious amounts of cigarettes and music playing on the garden system. Being locked up like that suited me but in the end left me with chronic anxiety about leaving the house, never mind going to work. If I ever win a large amount of money that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Just fuck off somewhere hot and that’s me done. Happy day’s. Only they won’t be. When you are grieving, people say “it gets easier”. Believe it or not, I’ve even had someone say “You might find love again.” I actually threw a strop over that. How dare anyone even think of me “moving on”? After all the confusing mental reactions to the loneliness and realising how vulnerable I was, I made a conscious decision to avoid ANY situation that could get awkward. Just no. My father found someone in only a year or so, but there’s no way I will. The thought of “Loving” anyone else still turns my stomach.
I’m tired now. I’ve been sat in bed with this laptop for an hour or two writing this drivel. So much for an early night. Seems I have a lot to say today. I’ve had my Lush bath and I smell divine. Time to take my nut nut pills and go to sleep… if I can… Told you my blogs were random…
So much has happened over the last week or so. A week ago I had a melt down after I finished work. My dear friend and newly adopted brother came round and gave me some heavy news. My dear friend and newly adopted sisters mother has been diagnosed with cancer. What… The… Fuck…
That’s it, I’m checking out. I’ve had my free trial and I want to cancel my subscription. I’m done. I’m out… Finito…
At that point I simply broke down on him. Too much, way too much for me to cope with at the time. I mean Jesus… Really? I know I’ve been saying it all year but why does the heaviest shit keep happening to/around me? I can’t imagine how my newly adopted sister is feeling right now. She’s had her fair share of trauma in her own family too. She lost her best friend and adopted sister (My Lady) on top of all that. She’s a legend. However shit she feels, she still just about gets on with her life, and well.
So there’s the Friday trigger of visiting a client with Parkinson’s and finding an excessive amount of personal care was required to put it politely. He lives opposite the funeral office I arranged My Lady’s funeral with. Then the car, then the bad news. Well my shit seems to come in fistfuls at a time these days. Punishment from the Cosmos for having the audacity to dare it to screw me over one more time.
Well… Ask, and you shall receive. Paraphrasing a well known hippy dude from 2000 years ago. (Possibly.)
Well the icing on the cake was announced this week. Full national lockdown from Thursday. Not unexpected. Far from it, but when the reality sunk in my mind just flew back to the last lockdown. I was at my worst early on and now I’m simmering again…
Last night was “Interesting”. My Princeling had received a short voicemail from one of his friends and then nothing. His spider sense was tingling and I could tell he was terrified at what might happen to two young girls, drunk as skunks, on there own in the middle of town at night. I could sense his worry so we jumped in the car to go and rescue them. A whole bottle of Vodka between them, what a state. Bless them. We they came back to ours and we fed them water and coffee and put them in the other room. Boy did good.
I found a suitable car in the end. Ironically the same model, only three years younger. Apart from a slightly noisy n/s rear wheel bearing, it’s quite a solid little car. It has already shown me that the last one was a death trap in the end. Glad to be shot of it now. It’s a horrible feeling being in between cars. I always feel trapped. My Lady and I always had such a mission when a car finally died. Most of them we ran into the ground, then scrapped them. Now there’s just my new car out there. No hint of My Lady having ever been here…
I’m all legal in the new car now. It’s nice to drive. I miss driving My Lady around, being told to go on the amber lights when I always stopped. Being told off for my lane discipline. Makes me smile as well as sad. We must have driven thousands of miles together over the 13+years we had. I remember well My Lady’s first learner car. She nicknamed it “Grim”. For good reason. An old Citroen AX in metallic maroon. Only it wasn’t… The previous owner had attempted to spray it black. With model paint it looked like. So many adventures…
Thirteen years ago today, My Lady and I got married at the Mouth registry office, seven months after meeting. We had never been happier. We only told four or five people. Both our eldest daughters and two friends were with us. I cried through nearly the whole ceremony. Every second of that day is burned into my soul.
I couldn’t bring myself to dress up for my TA job. I’ve already written off the weekend on the grounds of temporary insanity. As I said, Halloween is cancelled. Porch light off and a resounding “Get stuffed”, or words to that effect, on standby.
Ironically, I enjoyed my time with the kids even more this time. I’m getting more involved in the different classes. The vocal coach agreed to have a chat about a bit of coaching for myself. That would be cool. If only I had as much time to dedicate to it as I did this summer.
The rest of the day was pretty crappy. The only people that checked in on me was my dear friend and newly adopted brother and work husband. Seems very childish for me to be thinking ‘everyone knows what day it is, where are they all?’. Still, there have been many times where I feel like a spoilt child, bemoaning how lonely and hard done by I am. Even the kids… Mad.
So while I’m going through all this, I am also trying to sell my car and source a new one. I hate this process. Throughout our lives together, until our last year, My Lady and I could only afford a few hundred pounds for an old car. That vibe where you have scour the internet for something that could well go bang the same day you buy it. Been there, blown the engine. Given that my new job is wholly dependant on my having a reliable car, it stresses me out. Overly so. I’ve found a few potential good cars but I’ve been too late on all of them so far.
My Princeling has gone out for a Halloween meal with his college friends and they are coming back here for the rest of the evening. It’s lovely that my Princeling is comfortable enough with how our home life is that he can do that. I’ll have a nice long hot bath and play some guitar tonight. I haven’t been playing so much recently and it’s bugging me. Funny, even though it’s my only source of income, I resent the time my job takes away from my playing. I’m such a weirdo.
One of my clients got me thinking yesterday. I’ve never really been a religious or spiritual man. The closest I ever came was when My Lady and I were courting. Even then I didn’t believe in a deity of any kind. More a worship of nature than anything. I’ve a had a couple of people at work ask me if I was spiritual after everything that’s happened this year.
I’ve never spent much time thinking about it. One thing I am sure of… There is no afterlife. As far as I’m concerned, when you die you just stop… Full stop. Some will claim that a near death experience is proof of an afterlife. Total rubbish in my book. You have to be alive to have a near death experience. Might sound like a statement from the ministry of the bleeding obvious but if there’s one thing I know, is that if My Lady was out there somewhere, sure as hell I would have heard from her if she could do anything about it. On so many levels too.
Nothing… Not one… Tiny… Bit.
So I’m still having that existential crisis. We haven’t discussed it much but my Princeling announced some time ago that he doesn’t believe in any kind of afterlife. Same reason I guess. No contact…
The other thing I’ve been wrestling with is having to come to terms with the fact that one day, everyone will be in a similar situation when they get old. We take for granted to most simple tasks. Imagine not being able to wash yourself. Imagine not even being able to make a cuppa, or go to the toilet. Even get out of bed at all. The filth some poor souls end up living in is depressing as hell. The stench of old rubbish, mouldy tea bags hidden behind stuff, mix in the smell of urine and faeces and it hits home…
One day this could be MY loved one, and logically myself one day. Gods forbid. It’s a pretty dark place to be. No wonder a lot of them are bitter as hell. Not all of course, some always have a smile and despite their condition(s) STILL have a positive outlook on life. A lot of people don’t even know they’re born. If I can pass on one thing that I’ve learned since I started my nursing job, it would be to stop bitching about your ‘big’ problems and be grateful. Be grateful you don’t need someone to wash your personal areas for you. Be grateful you can leave your home… At all. Those mornings where we all blitz the house… What would your home look like if you NEVER did a deep/spring clean?
Please take a moment to ponder on that for a while… How do you see your frail old age going? Whatever your age, don’t just think “Oh that’s decades away, I don’t need to think about that for years!” True enough for a lot of people, but one thing the young can’t appreciate is how quick “all those years” go. If you do nothing about it, please just think about it for a while. It’s not just the elderly that are needing care. Learning disabilities, strokes, brain injuries to name but a few can affect you at any age.
Finished early today and I’m hoping to pop in to see my dear friend and newly adopted sister if she is home. Miss her and my newly adopted brother lots.
So, getting back to the point, most of my evenings are spent pondering Life, the Universe et al. What’s the bloody point in any of this crap. Not much that I can see right now. Even if I believed in an afterlife, I’ve still not had anything I would call ‘evidence’. I don’t think I’d find comfort in it if I did. If My Lady was aware at all, all I can think of is how much she would be suffering seeing what’s happened to the three of us and indeed the world since she passed away. What I wouldn’t give to talk to her about it all.
Just finished the first McBreakfast I’ve had in months. Much needed. This getting up at half five is crap. Eat, sleep, work, repeat… Like much of the rest of the world. Not my idea of a good life though. Honestly I’d rather be poor and have more time. Been sat in McDonald’s a while now. Time to slug the coffee and get going.
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 