Friday, I received my enhanced DBS certificate. Having completed no less than two child protection courses in a week, I am now legally allowed to work with children. Having gained a TA position at the local performing arts academy, my first day was yesterday morning. Interesting… I have not seen the inside of My Lady’s school since the last time I helped her with all the equipment when she was teaching TV and film. I had prepared myself mentally before even setting off, but I still expected some sort of problem. Indeed, Mrs Performing Arts had originally decided not to chase me up for the position, thinking I would be far too triggered to do the job. My closest think I’m completely bonkers going into a role at My Lady’s school, with My Lady’s kids and with My Lady’s colleagues too. An understandable opinion to which I would normally agree, being completely objective. I wish I could answer the question of why would I want to do this given the circumstances. I know it gives me some sort of comfort and that is enough for now. I’m also helping keep the academy running as clients are increasing so they will be short staffed otherwise. I guess it’s also because of my new helping others vibe but there something more to it that I can’t quite place yet.
I kept it together throughout, but I was having constant flashbacks. I met My Lady’s replacement too. Seems like a nice enough chap. Of course he had to be an Apple guy, so he needed an HDMI cable. I nipped off to get one but again, it’s all exactly what I used to do with My Lady. Meh…
By all accounts it seems I did rather well. Or at least well enough. The kids I talked to seem to like me. I managed to get one lad engaged as he looked terrified, bless him. It was his taster day. It amused me that I had to stay with a new teacher as she still didn’t have her DBS. All the feedback I received was positive. Phase one… Complete.
The school have created a memorial garden outside My Lady’s classroom. I didn’t go and see it. I considered it, but thought better of it. Small steps. I don’t want to make the first time so traumatic that I can’t go back. I’ll get round to it. I’ll have a chat with them at some point as it was suggested that I contribute something. Sweet Pea’s and Passion Flowers if they let me. Every summer there would be the most beautiful fragrance wafting around mixed with the striking “Alien flowers” as My Lady used to call them. I got in my car at the end of the sessions and paused for a deep breath… ‘Breath… Breath, you can do this…’ I shook it off for long enough to light a cigarette and drive off.
We needed a few items so I stopped at Morrisons on the way back… Just like we did every Saturday. I wasn’t quite as triggered as last time. “Simmering” just under the surface, waiting for the trigger for it to come out and savage me. Again, I kept it together until I’d gone back to the car. I’d done well so far, got to 2pm… Driving home from Morrisons, it started. I knew it would at some point. I spent most of the rest of the day depressed or crying. Mostly the former.
Once all the chores were done, I dived into my recording studio for the first time in ages. The intention being to “Finish” at least one of the songs I wrote for My Lady way back in 2007… Having taken inspiration from the plethora of tutorials by Steve Vai out there. I just let my ear guide me instead of my fingers. It works. After all this time, I finally have some melody lines. I recorded channel after channel, deleting bum notes or phrases that didn’t fit. Cheating? Not so much. The idea is to collect all the bits I like, put them together over the original song and once I’m happy, learn it all in one piece. Its exactly what Vai does. “There are no rules.” I can see why now. After a while, I reach saturation point. My ears are tired, my soul is tired, my heart is tired… Time for bed. Early too.
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 