This morning’s been a bummer. More of the same. I think I have a trapped nerve in my chest too. It hurts to fully inflate my lungs. It happens every so often and is not concerning at all. Just painful. Shopping came. I had ordered a vanilla refill bottle for the air freshener in our bedroom. We’ve used it for years. They didn’t have vanilla so they substituted it with… Pink Sweet Pea’s… Of course they did… One of My Lady’s favourite plants and her “Birth Flower” if you believe that stuff. Fun times…

Oh joy… I have a Spotify playlist on to avoid the over played trigger songs and guess what just came on… “The Queen Of Everything.” Meh…

Just had a bath to try and shake today’s funk off but as much as I smell divine, My Lady was the one I pampered myself for mostly, if that even makes sense. The whole process feels forced. It’s not a happy process and always leaves me feeling sad. Sometimes I think why bother at all? I still look after myself though. I’m always groomed, clean and always smell divine thanks to the mix of our products and her perfume. Owch… This bloody trapped nerve is killing me.

I’ve spent most of today curled up on the sofa in pain, feeling sorry for myself and dozing off every now and then but it felt like had hadn’t slept at all. Woke with a banging headache and still felt exhausted. I’ve taken some Ibuprofen and Paracetamol with a strong coffee. While I’m sitting outside having a smoke, I glance over at the Passiflora’s I’m growing. What the hell? One of them had fruited?! While this may not seem that significant, My Lady and I tried to grow some of these several times. Mr C always took exception and munched them when they were tiny so in the end we stopped bothering. They never even came close to flowering once. I purchased two of the blue variety when grief spending on garden things. They flowered within weeks… Of course they did… And now they are fruiting… Of course they are… She’s not here to see it… I should have seen it coming to some extent. I took so much care over the bringing on and planting of them during my lockdown garden obsession they damn well should be thriving.

So today is a write off. I did some more job hunting for a bit but then my left eye starts doing it’s fizzy thing. (Migraine neon patterns) Honestly I feel like I’ve been beaten up! Today can do one. Not… Having… Fun…

I am actually falling apart and I don’t mean emotionally for once. I have meds and supplements coming out of my ears. Pain killers, antidepressants, Angina spray and Ventolin inhaler for my panic attacks and anxiety, steroids and antibiotics for my ear and ear drops for after the infection has gone. Oh and how could I forget my Epilepsy Medicine?

Evening now. I’ve finally shifted the headache. My Princeling and I had a nice chat this evening. He is enjoying college more than he expected and genuinely seems way more relaxed in life. Hallelujah.

I thought I’d mix things up a bit on guitar today. The acoustic version of Bleed into Me by Trivium sounds easy to play so I thought I’d make a start on singing. I’d love to be able to play and sing well at the same time. I’ve tried recently but I’m never happy with it. Damn, it feels good when you start trying to belt it out though.

I guess that’s what I’m doing tonight then. Can’t have a late night given how I’ve felt all day though. It’s always a good idea as a musician to give yourself some easy wins sometimes, especially when you’ve been pushing your ability to the limit. Last time I played the Jackson, it just wasn’t happening. I can get really stuck into this track…

Lets have it!…

So Precious has gone home. As predicted, it was very emotional for me. I had hoped I would be able to deal with it and keep it together. As soon as she couldn’t see me… Yep, I started crying. It’s always so hard to deal with the crying when I’ve had a break from it. It didn’t last long as I was driving but now I’m back to simmering. I simply have to not play “those” songs. Trouble is, it’s getting to the point where my grief connects with the lyrics of most songs other than the Metal stuff and even then, some of them…

So despite telling myself not to, here I am in Costa again blogging. I guess it’s good for me. I broke the 20k word barrier recently. 20 thousand words??!! Jesus. I haven’t written that many in years. Something in me wants this blog to be of more use than just for me to look back on previous head spaces though. Maybe I should redirect this writing into lyrics or poetry. I did make a start on “I Am The Storm!” and received good feedback on it. It’s only a couple of verses with the chorus repeated.

This writing process has rekindled my interest in actually finishing the songs I wrote way back in 2007. I was blown away last night when I had the idea of blending two of those songs into one. They fit almost perfectly and I never even realised. The vibe works perfectly too, the first being happy and floaty, love and happiness. Putting the other one after that is perfect for the mid song transition.The other being a rock song with a gradual buildup to a frantic crescendo. I want the song to represent the falling in love and the tragedy and trauma of the end.

I think I’ll go and spend the rest of the time before my Princeling gets home fiddling with the songs. More later…

So, complete masochist that I am, I came straight home and did the very thing I said I wouldn’t. For hours. Shrugged it off eventually by playing guitar. I didn’t touch my songs either. I just played though my recent list. Even then, I wasn’t playing very well. It wasn’t about being perfect though. It’s bugging nonetheless. Once you pull off something special, it’s really hard to deal with mistakes when you know you can do it. Oh well, I’ve had a lot of good days and I know I’m a far better player than I have ever been. I should be grateful really. Grateful… Hmmm. What is there for me to be grateful about? I woke up… Great… On my own… Again… Great. Bedtime is getting increasingly difficult recently. I don’t know why particularly now. I lie there thinking about how lonely I am and how much I miss naked cuddles with My Lady. Just the naked cuddles. I miss that more than anything right now. No matter how good or bad we were, in 13 years we never didn’t want to sleep together. Even when My Lady went to bed early, I’d take up tea and biscuits. We would chat a bit more, then I’d kiss her forehead good night… I can still smell her hair…

First day of college yesterday. Precious has been here all weekend and we both saw him off in the morning. I took her to Costa and we sat chatting for ages. I haven’t cried once since she has been here. Compared to the last time we were together, all three of us seem to be coping a little better. Outwardly at least. I still Feel guilty when I have better days.

I’m sat in the garden listening to the waves with Mr T wrapped around my feet. Cute. precious goes home this afternoon. I wonder how I will feel once she’s gone? Quite tired today so it wouldn’t surprise me if I have a bit of a breakdown at some point. I’ve no idea why, but I kept waking up again and again last night. That’s new. Hope that’s not going to be a regular thing.

More job hunting today. It gets so boring traipsing through hundreds of jobs with the odd new one here and there. Made more calls, still nothing.

Precious and I both had a nap this morning. She had the same sleeping issue I did so I guess wasn’t just me. It’s been an eye opener having Precious home. I’m so much happier with her here. She seems to be having a much nicer time this time too.

Work husband is popping in after work today. It’ll be good to catch up. Even after all this time, I still don’t see people much. Looking at the news this morning, it’s looking like there could well be a second Covid wave. I hope not. Not just in a social sense. If we get locked down again, we are all so screwed. Quite aside from the thousands more job losses, there will be so many loved ones lost again. My empathy has been in overdrive ever since My Lady went into hospital at the end of January. Now I get really upset at that thought. More than seems rational to me anyway. Over seven months down the road and that hasn’t changed.

I’m dropping Precious at the train station in a couple of hours. Something is telling me to stay out for a bit afterwards. Pointless if I can’t think of something useful to do. Don’t think I’ll bother. I’ll come home and play guitar for a bit. Only done exercises the last few days. I don’t know why, but it feels like the weekend still. Time is still an illusion for me. I can’t barely keep track of what day it is still. College starting will help fix that. Hopefully a job will come up too. With a semi normal routine, with any luck, the randomness in my mind might settle down. I felt a shift when my Princeling went to college.

3rd September 2020.

Out walking Mr C and it’s starting to rain. Oh yeah, that’ll be the big dark cloud over my head. I’m happy to get wet. The woods triggered me. So much for getting out of the house to clear my head. I feel worse.

Finish this later, my phone is getting wet…

I’m done with today. Got home soaked. Spent nearly 4 hours playing guitar, then did a few races. Something was working as I played better than ever AND got my first lights to flag victory in my IRacing F2000 Championship race. Next race I got 2nd. In the zone.

4th September 2020.

It would have been my mothers birthday today. Sad as it is I’m not that affected by it. She had disowned me along with my half sister years ago in a fit of alcoholic paranoia. It’s still a strange feeling, don’t get me wrong but there’s barely been a few sentences passed between us since she disowned me the best part of 20 years ago. Ironically, she tried to make contact almost exactly a month before she passed away. “Not 100% your fault.” ‘Wow!’ I thought… Evan after all these years, she still can’t see what happened. I replied and left the door open. She died shortly after. That leaves a lot of unanswered questions for my half sister and I. Just have to live with that.

My Princeling is staying at his friends again tonight. I’ll be on my own for over 24 hours. I was looking forward to it but randomly in the middle of the day I became depressed and just had a nap on the sofa. That’s 3 in a week now. I’m getting enough sleep too. I have no issues getting up early any more either.

Precious is coming home for a few days tomorrow. She really has no idea how much I miss her. I tell her often but she doesn’t know how much. I don’t want her to either, weird as it sounds. I don’t want to add my suffering to hers. The last time we were together was an intense emotional time for all of us. That was the only time we have been together at home since the funeral. I’m making the house nice for her return. It’s not bad at all but I like to make a fuss and have it all lovely for her. It will feel empty enough as it is, so I try to liven the place up. Even checked the TV still works! I’m sure my Princeling thinks I’m nuts for it, bless him.

I can feel my mood slipping again. I felt it start when my Princeling left. It might not be the same as adult company but like before, I can always sense or hear his presence in the house. Missing him already. So I guess lots more guitar and racing tonight. Currently 8:15pm so I won’t be able to crank it up much. It’s always the same. I can’t be bothered to play so I force myself knowing full well, once I get going, I’ll enjoy it. I should probably stop listening to the waves all the time. I’d imagine it isn’t helping.

3rd September 2020.

Tomorrow we will receive my Princeling’s college timetable. Next week one piece of the puzzle of our new life will be complete. New routines etc. Part of me wishes so much I didn’t have to look for a job. Creating a new life for us would have been so much easier with the security I thought I had.

3rd September 2020.

Not sure how I feel today. For some reason I was compelled to hunt through old photos this morning. Always a masochistic process these days. I was pleased to find the background image I had on my MySpace profile when I met My Lady. The Green Man. How I even still have it is beyond me. It’s now my desktop background. I also found many photos of the Moon and stars. Remember my obsession about the Moon phases? I found one from the day of our civil wedding and it matches my tattoo.

It’s also the opposite of the phase I noted while My Lady was in hospital. Figures…

I wish I could snap out of this obsession with the Pagan vibe we were in when we met. It’s not been a things for years. It was some comfort when I was practising. Maybe that’s why. God know’s I need some comfort right now…

Great… Self triggering now… I’m really good at that. Once I go on the memory train, I always spiral into a full on crying session. I know this. I’ve known this for some time. Yet… I keep doing it. I was told in one of the Cruse meetings that they thought I was avoiding the grief and I should try to embrace it. Really? You should see me on a day like this. How healthy embracing it on this level is, I have no idea.

So all the wrong songs. All the wrong playlists. I have several depressed/despairing playlists… How morose.

And yet, I keep going…

Enough of this shit. If I carry on feeling sorry for myself I know from experience that I’ll be in this mood for days. Off with the music and out with Mr C… Grrr.

1st September 2020

I can’t believe is September already! I’m up at half eight today. It’s nice to be up early and not feel like crap. Actually it’s nice being up early at all as it’s been quite while. Today I went to the local care home for a chat and to apply to be a volunteer. I have the form and I’ll be popping it back this afternoon. So it’s now official. I’m moving into caring. Assuming of course that I vibe with it once I’ve been volunteering for a bit. This is a toe in the water as is were. I got dressed in my nicest casuals and then thought ‘Let’s make a good impression. After all, first impressions last.’ So I put on a crisp white shirt and off I trot…

I spoke to one of the admin team all masked up in the car park. I explained my background and how it had affected me and why I wanted to be a carer. I wanted to be completely up front about my having never done ANY care work and still I got amazingly positive feedback. Still not used to it.

I’ll need to pop to the office to ask for references. It would be a good time to check in with the bosses. I’m still not happy with how Mr Angry dealt with the whole redundancy thing. I ask how much I’m going to be paid and when and the answer from my boss was apparently “I think that’s more than fair.” What bloody question did he ask then!? I don’t want to burn my bridges. Caring or not, I would go back if asked.

My eldest daughter is 28 today and I’m finally going to visit. I’ll have to be really strong to cope with the whole thing so I’m mentally preparing. Just being there will be difficult.

I’m sat in Costa contemplating. My “grief buddy” from the bereavement forum popped up out of the blue last night. Bless her, she’s having an awful time of it. Claims she has lost her faith. Given I’m an atheist I’m really not in a position to give much comfort with that so I just tried emphasise having faith in herself instead. It seemed to cheer her up a bit. Nice.

I’m home now. Today has been so exhausting. I was ok on the drive down there until, as expected, on the approach to Buster Hill I start getting flashbacks. Our first drive together when I got my license back after my epilepsy. The times we went to see the burning of the Wicker Man. Countless trips into the countryside with the kids. Just… Ugh. Had a good cry going through there and sorted myself out by the time I got to my fathers. It was so good to see him. He understands how difficult it was for me to go down there. As does my daughter. She made a point of telling me how well she thought I had done even being there. Bless her. Love her so much.

Traditionally, any visit to the Mouth requires a burger from the famous van on top of the hill. It’s been there since I was tiny! My Princeling has always loved them and asked me to get one. I should have known better. My Lady and I spent countless evenings sat up there in various places cuddling and watching the sun set. It was our thing… Always was. Every beautiful sun set I see now hurts so much. How am I supposed to deal with that one? Not only that, but there was a huge queue so I had to stand there for twenty minutes trying not to cry.

So I eat my burger, sat watching the view I’ve seen a million times but this time the city is empty. There’s only Wolverine left there. Really strange feeling I can tell you. Looking at your home town and feeling nothing but memories and nostalgia. I knock back my can of red bull and get going. I’d had enough. I wished I could teleport home. Is really going to be like that every time? Logically it will get easier but it will never go away to the day I die. Yet more motivation to emigrate later in life. Or at least relocate. I took the motorway route home instead this time but, you’ve guessed it, triggered. Its impossible not to be. We must have gone that route a thousand times. There’s one particular spot and one particular memory that outweighs all the others. It was unforgettable and as I drive along, I’m replaying the whole journey in my mind… Owch, again…

I’m sat in the garden now having my last smoke of the day, contemplating the days evenings and my reaction to them. So much pain. I tried not to show it.

I think I’ll do a race and go to bed. Funny. After an hours drive, I go racing to relax… Go figure.

Didn’t sleep well last night. I kept waking up freezing cold. I don’t remember ever having that problem before. Even so, it felt like I had been in bed too long. I look at the time and it’s only half 8. ‘OK fine, I’ll get up then.’ Today I’ll be phoning more care homes.

I just went out into the garden to see what I had done yesterday. When I’m gardening I zone out and am often surprised the next morning. Not a bad job if I do say so. Can’t be bothered to do much more on it today. I can feel my mood slipping again. Ugh… I need to get some energy from somewhere today. I think I’ll go and have a bath…

The bath didn’t really help. My skin is smooth, my hair is silky and I smell divine though. That’s something I guess. My legs feel like jelly. I could really do with a nap. I’ve eaten today so I don’t know what that’s about. Cooking a roast chicken at the mo. I’ve gone right off roast dinners. Or to be more accurate, the roast dinners the way we USED to make them. Just the smell. Garlic, red onions, the potatoes and the gravy. I really don’t like how it makes me feel.

I wonder what the rest of the day holds… Can’t wait.

So, after procrastinating a little more, I forced myself to make the call to the local care home for the elderly. I explained how I was brand new to caring but I wanted to give something back. The Nurse said the best way would be to volunteer for a couple of weeks and see if you like it. Well… In short, I’m going down there in the morning to sign up as a volunteer! Again, I’m chuckling to myself at the absurdity of it all. Thank the Goddess, it’s lifted my mood. Finally. What I wouldn’t give to know what My Lady would have made of my going into caring…

This last week has been rough. Since the anniversary of mum’s passing, I’ve have some major triggers a few days running. Bored now… It’s been quite a while since the last, but as I mentioned previously, I’ve been waiting for a big one to slay me. Even so it always comes as a shock. That still hasn’t changed.

I can’t be bothered to go through the last few days. Suffice to say they were less than pleasant. Today I went down to the cafe to meet up with the next steps group. They know I’ve been struggling and really made an effort to check in with me.

30th August 2020.

Made it an hour before my first cry this morning. Better than yesterday. The weather has finally dried out and the whole neighbourhood is out hoovering their lawns, me included. It’s been a while since I’ve been motivated to work in the garden, weather aside. After I made my lawn nice and stripey, I pruned the red rose I purchased as a little Valentines pot many years ago. It’s taller than I am now. Sprayed them with fungicide. I seem to be on top of that. Even the Ground Elder is dying off… Finally. Jakes tree has gone mental again and Jakes Honeysuckle is recovering from the Aphid infestation. Just need to weed My Lady’s bed and I’ll have a pit stop and think about what to do next. I still haven’t finished painting the fence. I’m sat having a pit stop right now and listening to The Queen of Everything again… It struck me this morning that six months is nothing, even though it feels like an eternity.

I’ve not sat here staring at the garden for what seems like months. Should have a bonfire really. Get things cleared down for the start of college and hopefully a new job soon. Getting a bit chilly now. I’ll see what the weathers going to do.

It’s my eldest daughters birthday this week. 28 years old… Crazy. It will be so nice to see her and finally meet my new granddaughter. I’ll see my Dad too. Hopefully we can see Wolverine. I haven’t wanted to be anywhere near the Mouth for a long time. I’m not looking forward to being there one bit, but the desire to see them is finally winning out.

So the bonfire is built, the beds are weeded, the Roses and Honeysuckle are sprayed. Now what? Tonight would have been a perfect night for a social. BBQ, bonfire, few drinks… My Princeling is fed and is staying at his friends house tonight. I have the house to myself again. Not sure how I feel about that… Again. Oh well. Might as well carry on in the garden for now. Pointless hoovering until I’m finished out there anyway.

So everyone is fed now and I’m about to go and see my newly adopted sister and brother. I’ve owed them a visit for too long.

30th August 2020.

Interesting evening last night. Once I knew I was going to see them I went and freshened up and for the first time in months, I actually heard My Lady’s voice in my head rather than knowing her answer before the question is asked. I talk to her all the time, especially in our bedroom where I have her ashes. “You need this baby.” She said. My Lady and I were always crazy about sunsets. Before we left the Mouth, we spent countless evenings on the hill watching a beautiful tapestry of pastel colours changing before our eyes. When we first went to Croatia, we were almost obsessed one day about catching a sunset while we were there. We weren’t disappointed. On the way to see my newly adopted brother and sister, sunset had just begun. Around halfway there, the road curves round to the West and I’m simply stunned by one of the most beautiful sunsets I’ve ever seen and as I said, I’ve seen quite a few! It was amazing. Random rainbow shimmers here and there, sunbeams poking out in various places. The shadow play on the different cloud layers was like something out of a Sci-Fi movie. Again I heard My Lady’s voice just saying… “Wow!” When I arrived, the sun had just dipped below the horizon and all that was left were soft pink and purple bands in the sky. Like a colour wash with water colours. Sat in the garden smoking and what should appear? Pipistrelle bats. My Lady’s favourite. “Yay!” I hear her say. She used to get so excited when they came. From my point of view, I felt like I was being poked by My Lady. In the end I even said thank you to her in my mind knowing full well that it was and always is just a random sequence of events that coincidentally happens to overlay memories. Like two transparent images. When they line up, the connection is felt more strongly, as the image matches memories. I still think its weird how being so desperate to see someone again can make you see a “sign” in anything or even everything. I kind of understand how some people turn to religion during times of grief. I asked my questions to the Cosmos and every God I could think of while My Lady was in hospital… No, really.

I got my answer…

Existential crisis much…

27th August 2020.

Woke up in a strange mood today. Not depressed or up. Dropped my Princeling into town earlier. I stopped by Costa and it was full. Ugh. Not sure what I’m going to do today. Probably going to drop into see Work Husband for a bit. Today is flying by! Can’t believe it’s gone two already. I’ve been thinking a lot about what to do with this blog in the long run. I have repeatedly been told by various people and people who should know, that I should put this into a book at some point. I’m wrestling with this idea. I’m not doing this to boost my ego so it feels very strange when people say these things. Last thing I want is to come across as an ego maniac. My ego is the lowest it’s ever been I think. My counsellors, doctor and teacher friends have all said the same. For differing reasons but still… This year just keeps getting weirder and weirder.

Some people I know find the fact that I’m sharing my inner most publicly very cringey. My Lady was a very private woman so I understand the sentiment. There is no way she would have done this in a million years. At least not publicly, not like this anyway. I’m sure she would hate it. I also know she would have understood. She did the same thing. She just didn’t share it personally. Other than with me.

So I’m not going to worry too much about how anyone else feels about this. It’s for me, just me. If it can help anyone else, then great, I would share it. It is a painful read if you are close to me though, that much is true.

Finish this later…

Yet another rudderless day, not knowing what to do with myself. It’s dragging out again so I need to get my shit together and do something useful. I spent another couple of hours job searching and researching this morning and it knackered me out. I don’t like it when I get like this. It makes me feel weak and pathetic. Still, at least I know I CAN pull myself out of it.

I stopped at Costa again in the hope of getting a seat this time. I’ve just been talking to Mums sister. Another beautiful soul. Her late husband was buried on the same day as her sister died the year before. I can’t wait to go and see her. It feels like so long ago, but it was at the funeral, less than six months ago. She really understands what I’m going through. I need to spend some time with her if she’d like to. Although my Dad has been through this when he lost my step mum, his interpretation of grief really doesn’t fit mine. Indeed there’s no reason to expect it to. Everyone is different. Mums sister (I’ll think of a name later) seems to have gone through the same vibes as me. More than anyone I have met. I trust her advice implicitly. I do my dads but I need to process more with his advice. Mums sisters advice seems to just slot into my way of thinking with no effort.

I’ll nip home to walk Mr C after this and then go and visit “Work Husband” for a bit. His ex wife is there and it will be lovely to finally meet her. By all accounts she sounds like a lovely person…

28th August 2020.

We had a nice time at Work Husbands. His ex is lovely and has the cutest daughter. Along with his niece, they were great company.

I dropped my Princeling in to town just now. I seem to be getting used to this being on my own thing. Maybe that’s just today’s vibe as I’ve been desperately lonely on and off recently. Fortunately I’m seeing people more often these days. It’s been lovely. Can’t wait to see my newly adopted sister and brother again. I miss them both lots.

I had a free careers consultation this morning. It was very helpful. I have a plan of attack and some direction now… Finally. I hope it works out. One thing I’ve learned this year is anything is possible, good and bad. For the first time I’m feeling positive about our future. That’s a weird feeling. There’s a bit of guilt with it. I’ll just have to deal with that like all the other regrets one has when you lose someone close.

So I’ll finish here at Costa, grab some shopping and crack on with the job searching…

Sat having a smoke in the garden at dusk. It’s been a long day. The garden is a mess again. A metaphor for my mind at the moment. The Dianthus need dead heading, the roses need spraying with fungicide, the Ground Elder needs more weed killer, the grass needs hoovering, the beds needs weeding and the pile of detritus needs burning before it starts rotting. It’s amazing how quick a garden can look messy.

I can hear a Tawny Owl hooting in the copse near where we live… We always loved being closer to nature. Red Kites, two types of Owls and My Lady’s favourite… Pipistrelle bats. Swooping and diving then veering away suddenly when they realise how big you are. They are only the size of a mouse. Cute. Go out into your garden at dusk. You may see them if you keep the lights off.

I need to sort out the solar lights. I purchased about thirty of the bloody things when I was grief spending. Half of them have stopped working. In one way the garden serves its purpose but I’m still going to make it beautiful for My Lady.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better. The last downer dragged out too long. I think I might have another chat with my contact at Cruse. She has been so helpful. Time to be the storm again…

The Tawny Owls are still hooting at each other. How I wish My Lady was here so we could listen to it cuddling in bed with the windows open…

21st June 2008.

After having a civil marriage ceremony last Halloween, it’s time to do it how we always wanted to. My Lady and I are getting Hand-Fasted today. Everyone is mucking in, draping ribbons all over the trees where the ceremony will take place. We’re so grateful for being given official permission to hold it here. Mums son is a chef and has put on a very posh spread. Kids screaming with laughter all around. There really is an air of faery tale about it. Ivy Wreaths around everyone’s head. We even put on traditional games for everyone to take part in. It’s quite a spectacle and everyone, even strangers are joining in. Two of them we asked to participate as is the tradition. They were overjoyed when we asked them.

Our ceremony was beautiful. I’ve never seen anything like it and it was all ours. I’m taking the odd moment to burn certain images into my mind forever. Time to have a few drinks and celebrate. We are going to play Ladies V Gents tug of war in a bit. Someone managed to find a rope over 20 feet long and 3 inches wide! Appropriately the Ladies won the competition. My Lady and I took a private walk for a bit towards the end of the day. We are flying off to Amsterdam tonight… Faery tale…

We landed at Schiphol airport and got a train to Amsterdam. What a beautiful city. What a beautiful Lady. We travel together so well. No stress, well organised and so happy. So we check out the local museums and so on. While we were walking between two of them, some guy accidentally bumps into My Lady on a bike. “Wow I’m real sorry Maam!” and carries on. We look at each other… No… Surely not? Yes it was! My Lady had just been run over by Owen Wilson who was in Amsterdam filming. Surreal! We walked so much exploring the place, holding hands all the way. We ended the trip with a romantic canal boat ride at sunset… The perfect end to a perfect trip after a perfect Hand-Fasting to a perfect Lady. Still think Faery tales are not real? So mote it be…

Wow! Crazy! After all this time I never noticed the heart in the sky on the top left. I swear to you this image is untouched… Says it all…

26th August 2020.

Today we enrolled my Princeling into college. Another life event… Also happens to be the anniversary of my Mother in law’s death… A whole year… Already. It’s hit me harder than I thought it would. I can still hear her say “Bless their hearts.” In ‘that’ way she always did. I miss her so much. With her and My Lady gone, it only leaves myself and Mr… ‘Wolverine’ lets call him, left of the social circle from when I met My Lady in 2007. My Lady introduced me to Wolverine not long after we met. He was playing a gig at a local shopping centre. A former Marine with the biggest of hearts and a great drummer. While we were still living in the Mouth, Wolverine and I, along with Mr Straight, regularly got together to play a few songs in the interval of the plays My Lady had written herself. She had directed them all with my Mother in law. Lets call her Mum from now on. The plays were put on by troubled teens and young adults. Underprivileged kids “NEET’S” and little legends every one in their own way. Bless them.

Wolverine has been a solid friend ever since I met him. A man of his word who would do anything for his friends. Another who I’ve considered family for years. We were talking about how weird and sad it was to be the only ones left. At this age too. Mental. I asked him to be a pall bearer at My Lady’s funeral. He is the oldest friend we have… Had? Ugh. I hate that.

Well, I managed two whole days without crying. I’m grieving two people today. To be honest I have been for weeks. All of August really. On our holiday last year, the possibility of Mum passing while we were away was always in the back of our minds. Mum was a legend with the most hilariously dry humour. Passionate about the theatre and a staunch feminist. Love her so much…

I randomly just worked out how many deaths I’ve had to deal with. I’ve lost 9 people and three pets in fourteen years. At one point I lost three close relatives in five days… Can you believe that? Am I the only one that thinks that’s a little excessive? I still can’t believe I haven’t ended up being sectioned by now. All this carrying on lark… It’s exhausting you know. I’ve felt like I’ve been winging it in life for a while now, on and off.

Job things seem to be moving forward. I have a consultation on Friday via Zoom and I’m waiting on a response from a few more care providers too. Still not being blocked. I have noticed one thing that hasn’t changed since I was last job hunting. There’s only so much searching you can do before you have seen all of the vacancies, with the odd one popping up each day. Ping the CV here there and everywhere and see what happens.

Half one already? My time perception is way off still.

So now I’m sat here, gorming at the screen wondering what to do next… How new. As I type, the sun has come out. If it stays that way I might go and tidy the garden. I keep telling myself it needs doing but… You know the drill by now.

Think I’ll have a nap instead.

25th August 2020. 9:35pm.

I’ve gone to bed early. I have a big mug of tea, Minstrels, MnM’s, White Sage and Nag Champa incense burning and listening to one of my Princelings playlists. Some say if someone shares their music with you, sometimes it’s a window into their soul. I believe this to be true. I think I learned something tonight.

I’m actually running low on incense for the first time in months. Crazy. I thought to myself when I decided to start smoking outside ‘I guess next time I decorate It will stay fresh.’ I wonder how much residue the incense leaves everywhere? Oh well, at least it will smell nice.

Chilling with smooth jazzy tunes. Tomorrow will be interesting. Once we are done with college enrolment, my Princeling is going with his friends for theirs. I’ll have most of the day to myself. Previously this would almost be an exiting prospect. Not so much these days.

I’m looking at the photos of My Lady I have put on our chest of drawers with candles and incense burning as usual. While I’m not currently in much pain, I’m just sat here still confused by the whole thing, shaking my head while sucking brown MnM’s one at a time until they are completely melted before popping another. Our bedroom is still mostly untouched. The last six months feel like a few seconds when I look around. Apart from the photos, It’s still pretty much how she left it. I’m still in no rush. What need is there to change it anyway? I like how we have it, after all it is my bedroom too. I mean… What’s wrong with pink and purple luminous Unicorn stickers around the mirror? I can go with that… Well, I wear My Lady’s perfume every day so why the hell not?!

I purchased a “Black lives matter” face mask the other day. It’s fascinating watching the different reactions to it. I’ve had dirty looks, mostly from meatheads and even a few thank you’s. No one has been brave enough to say anything negative so far. I did say this would be a random read didn’t I? The more tired I get, the more random my thoughts become. I find it interesting reading it back after a while with a little objectivity. One thing is immediately obvious… I am indeed… Bat shit crazy. Thoughts pinging off all over the place, making random connections with seemingly irrelevant topics. I am writing them pretty much as I think them. What’s the point otherwise? It’s weird seeing your thinking voice written down.

One or two people have read some of this drivel now… Not sure how I feel about that.

I’m still trying to process this whole opening of my mind to what I can do for a job. It’s like it happened all at once. Time for another lesson in surfing…

Night x

This whole on and off, up and down nature of grief never gets any easier to process. I am used to having crappy days for a bit, then I have really crappy days. It’s been going on so long. It won’t ever stop either. I understand that now. The only thing that changes is how far the emotional pendulum swings. So far anyway.

Today has been a strange one. I have spent nearly four hours on the phone today! I spoke to a friend who lost her partner 3 years ago now. I’d not spoken to her for quite a while so it was really nice to catch up with her. If there’s one person in my life other than my Father who would understand what this shit show called grief is like… It’s her. Again, much needed.

Having lost a few hours on the phone I quickly realised that it was fast approaching dinner time but my mind was still at around half ten! Neither of us were that enamoured with what we had , so I nipped out for some nice fings. Interesting… I haven’t been triggered in Tesco for months… It was the first place I could go and not fall apart. It didn’t take long either. Grabbed some fruit and bread and bam! Can’t think what the exact trigger was. Maybe just being there and my mind…. Oh who knows…I started thinking to myself ‘I want something of My Lady’s for comfort.’ and started looking for something, I had no clue what. Realising what I was doing, I made it easy on myself and just grabbed the nearest bag of chocolate for bedtime…

So today has been a stark contrast to yesterday. Despite the triggering and all, I still haven’t cried today. Damn close a few times, but no. It puts yesterday into a new perspective. Sharing ones thoughts and feelings personally can be a great thing. It’s one thing doing it here, sending the link in a fit of hubris then regretting it instantly, it’s another sat opposite each other. Not had much of that in recent times. The fact that its someone completely new is great. I’m very different… I always wonder what My Lady’s colleagues would think of me if they really knew me. I’m not dodgy, very weird, but not dodgy in anyway for the record but I’m still reticent about opening right up. My Lady has painted a beautiful picture of me to her friends and colleagues and part of me would like to leave that image right where it is. I think knowing me would change that… Maybe?…

It’s also good getting to know someone from scratch. Sad as it sounds I haven’t had to do that for years. I had no need to go out and meet new people. I had my people and they were at home or on the phone. Regardless it has been a very nice process and I feel like I am making a real friend so far. That’s two strong positives this week.

Finish this later…

Evening…

So my Princeling, Mr C and Mr T have all been fed, I made a chicken Bhuna for myself but I doubt I’ll eat it. I’m sure it’s tasty but I’ve gone off it. All I’ve had today is a couple of Greg’s sausage rolls earlier. Never been a fussy eater before… Funny.

I wish Mr T would shut up. It’s not his fault but the double dissonant meow is getting to me a little. I’ll give him a cuddle, maybe that will make him happy. He is lovely…

College enrolment tomorrow morning. Another life event missed. I know Mum would be so proud. Everything looks OK regarding college. Still job hunting. It’s mind boggling at times. It’s even harder now as after I opened my mind to the possibility of being a carer that naturally leads me to realise that I can try literally anything. How do you search up “Anything”? Talking to my friends has helped. Fresh eyes on the situation. Crazy times. Yet another new hat to try on. When will it end and I finally have a career I can see myself retiring from? I might only be 45 but believe me dear reader, I feel 145 right now. Retirement doesn’t seem that far away after this last year… Surreal.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of my Mother in law’s death last year. I can’t believe it’s been a year already! It shows how my world ended in February as my perception of this is that it was only six or so months ago. If that. Before I know it, it’ll be a year since My Lady passed… Surreal…

Before that though we have my civil anniversary with My lady. We had a Civil wedding AND a Hand-Fasting. This is on Halloween. Our “Hallowversary.” Then the 3rd anniversary of my Step-Mums death in November, our beloved cat, 3 days before Christmas, Christmas (Will be awful) and then around we go again. I’m too young for this crap. There’ll be no one left by the time I’m 50. That’s only just over four years away… Say what now?… I used to joke about my personality swinging from 19 to 90 years old but that is a bit real for my liking.

I’ve had the mediation ocean waves and the like on pretty much all day. The sound of the waves makes me sad as My Lady always loved it. It’s comforting for the same reason. The sea has always been one of our contemplating places since… Well, forever. Even long before we met and we were children. My dear friend and newly adopted sister asked me to turn it off when she came round. Obviously I was more than happy to oblige. It’s easy for me to forget the rest of the world isn’t listening to the same sounds as me. Hermit that I am. The last thing I want to do is be a trigger for anyone. I used to like the idea of ‘Hermitting’. Or rather we did. Not so keen now. My thoughts are a bit random today as you might have noticed. The tunes are keeping my mindset in that place. I forgot about that. I often play this type of music because it holds me in one emotional place. Not the happiest places, oh no! But it’s better than the trauma. I’d rather be sad all day than OKish, broken, OKish, broken any day.

I sat at my PC drinking Red Bull and eating Minstrels wondering what to do next. The Formula 2000 championship has moved to a track I haven’t purchased and after the night race fiasco, I can’t be bothered anyway.

This one is probably my favourite. I’ve had it on repeat for an hour now.

Might have a play on the ancient BF1942 tonight, just for something different. Need to be up nice and early for tomorrow.

I’ll probably be blogging again later though!

Laters…x

24th August 2020

Sat in the car park waiting for the doctor to come out and lead me in. I’ve either been here or been on the phone to the surgery so much in the last few months. They know me well by now. I’ve spent more time in touch with the GP this year than I have in the last ten. At least no one can say I’m not trying to look after myself. I stopped drinking, I’ve cut down on smoking, I get a walk with Mr C every day, I eat enough, I don’t stay up all night. Oh and I’m even taking vitamins. If anyone says I’m not practising self care, they can shove it.

I’m still sat in the car park waiting to seen again. My ear is inflamed but I don’t know why yet. The nurse has gone inside to get a second opinion. Joy… So, it’s not being caused by wax then. That can only mean infection or damage or both. Find out shortly I guess… I hope…

F…M…L… !!!

I’ve been prescribed steroid and antibiotic ear drops for a week. I’m kind of getting used to it but I still hear two cats every time Mr T meows at me. I’ve even started tell them BOTH to shut up! It’s not fun. Still only listening to ocean waves. Silence just isn’t fun and I still can’t listen to music. It never hurts to have a break though. It freshens your ear and every musician should rest their ears. Not like this though…

I’m just about to go and get the ear drops. Mrs White Sage and I are meeting for coffee this afternoon. My Lady was very close to her. “She’s a keeper” she’s always said and I see why now. When I was at my worst she brought a care package up, even cleaned my kitchen for me. Under protest I might add, but she was having none of it bless her. I really like her. We have been having a battle of the incense for the last few months. Lighting more and more at a time. I am currently winning as I have some garden Nag Champa. They burn for hours!

Sat in Costa waiting to meet Mrs White Sage. I go to order and before I get the chance, the lady says” Large latte, yes?”. That made me laugh. Shows how often I come here. I need to watch that. Before I know it I’ll be in debt with Costa! What a weird grief spend. And I thought I’d stopped all that. I won’t lie though, it’s nice sitting in here getting my thoughts down. I seem to have got into it. I’m still trying to figure out if or how it actually helps however. Mindfulness I guess. I’ve been told by two people now that I should put this drivel into a book… A book… Me… Hahahaha!!!

Sorry, had to compose myself there. A book… And by people who should know. One counsellor and one of My Lady’s colleagues. High praise indeed. I try not to let it go to my head , but really…? Is that even real? I had a lovely time talking to Mrs White Sage today. We lost nearly two hours. More deep conversation. Two days running. I could get used to this. I’ve missed this level of conversation and it’s with new people. Refreshing.

My dear friend and newly adopted brother is popping in after work today. Hardly anyone at all in the office these days. I wonder if they I’ll ask me back? Despite everything including the new caring vibe, I’d go back at the drop of a hat.

Still pushing on the caring vibe and still I’m not being blocked by the Cosmos. So mote it be I guess… As I used to say a lot at work… More to follow…

Last smoke before bed. Entered my usual IRacing UK&Ireland Formula 2000 championship race tonight. Slight problem. Some muppet set the time to sunset at the start. Formula 2000 cars don’t have headlights… Fail. I’m going to play guitar for a bit anyway even if it’s only exercises. Can’t let it slide after so much work. I used and earplug in my left ear and that made it bearable. Practised quietly for a few hours. Where did that go? It’s 1am! Best get to bed I suppose…

Today has been a good day. I don’t say that often believe me, but for the first time in I don’t know how long, I’ve not cried once today… I’ve been seeing a lot more people and have had some lovely deep and much needed chats of late. I’m very lucky to have these people around me. Even My Lady’s former colleagues… I genuinely consider one or two friends now. AND they’ve (two) seen me at my worst early on…

Let’s see what tomorrow holds…

Night peeps x

23rd August 2020

I woke up at a decent time this morning. Don’t know why as I was up pretty late. Don’t feel too bad either so far. I’ll take that. I’m having a friend round for a BBQ today. He is one of only two other musicians in the place I was working at. Ever since we met, we have discussed the finer points of Heavy Metal and different tunings. It’ll be good to have him round. It’ll also also be a good opportunity to get the garden tidied up. Left it for a bit again. Again. I love entertaining. We always did. It will be the first time we’ve had someone new round in… Well, months, I think.

It made a nice change to feel comfortable enough to really talk freely to someone other than my newly adopted family. I’ve not had that for what feels like forever.

I’m so out of practise with my social skills. I get over excited when I know I’m having people round. A little bit pathetically so sometimes. It still feels weird that after months of lockdown.

24th August 2020

Didn’t finish this yesterday so I thought I’d just carry on. Doctors this morning to look at my ear. I hope it’s not permanent… I couldn’t stand having to live with this. I’ll need to plug my left ear when listening to music or playing guitar. It also means I won’t be able to mix my new songs. No stereo… Ugh. Screw this for a game of soldiers. Fingers crossed then…

Went to the Next Steps meeting at the cafe again this week. I met the gent who I had been talking to on the weekly Cruse Zoom drop in meetings. Good to finally meet him. I also had a good chat with the lady who runs the group and met her colleague who will be leading the group at times. Interestingly I found that in a very short time I was spilling it all to her, racing through my life story before I knew it. Clearly I felt safe talking to her. It was fascinating on one level because as we were talking, I realised that for the most part, I am already either practising known self help techniques or in some way “Doing all the right things.”. I still don’t like hearing that even though I have seen a hint of it myself. I don’t know if it’s the antidepressants though that’s the trouble. I’m told that I will need to stay on them for a considerable time after I feel “better” or I could simply relapse and end up where I started. Heart problems and all. Not keen…

Both times I’ve gone to Next Steps, I’ve come away feeling pretty down but with a hint of positivity from the chat with Mrs Counsellor this time. Yet another contradiction. I know I’ve said this before but it reminds me of how young My Lady was. This combined with my social anxiety, makes me feel like a kid with these lovely people. Awks much… Think I’ll have a bath. I need a change of headset. I feel myself slipping into wallow mode.

Finish this later…

Just had the longest soak. My skin is silky smooth and I smell divine. Noice. While in the bath I put on some ocean waves and thunder on my phone. Listening to it takes me to some of the happiest times with My Lady. Every time I go into my bedroom I talk to Her. Usually starting with throwing my hands in the air saying “What da fuuuck baby!!?” to her. It’s the one time she never replies automatically. I guess because none of us have been through this, never mind grieving as well. I’m still using all of her products. In fact I’ve replaced some of it twice. I also wear her perfume. I don’t care what people think. She used to use a quick squirt on the way out to work every morning and when I gave her the daily kiss goodbye, I would inhale the heady mixture of her perfume, still not evaporated and her own scent in a big breath every time. I love the stuff. Now I’m downstairs I’m Airplaying the waves to my AVR. Apart from being cleaner, I don’t really feel any different. Well that’s annoying. What can I do then? Can’t listen to music, can’t play guitar, the house is pretty clean, the garden isn’t too bad but the weather’s crap anyway. Could do a race but that seems frivolous during the day. God knows why.

It would have been my Mother in law’s 66th birthday today. It’s the anniversary of her death in a few days. I miss her so much. She was another beautiful soul just like My Lady. She inspired My Lady. I used to love our little jaunts down there to see her. The car journeys were fun too mostly, holding each others hand on the motorway, singing songs…

Just thought… I don’t think anyone has died in September… Maybe a better month.

Laters… x

Last weekend I had a earache. It went away in a day but has left me with the weirdest symptoms. Apart from the constant ringing, my left ear is hearing everything a millisecond or two later than my right. Not only that but the left side has a slightly different pitch. It sounds just like a guitar that is slightly out of tune but it’s everything. As a musician, this is the worst. This is why my guitar sounded so bad this week. I can’t concentrate on playing correctly as I cannot stand being out of tune, even a cent or two. I can hear the slightest tweak in tuning and always have been able too. Not quite ‘Perfect pitch’ but close.

I had an appointment with the GP today to get my numb leg checked out and one on Monday for the ear. I can’t go until Monday, it’s driving me absolutely crazy. Playing guitar is no fun at all. Listening to people talk too… it’s like everyone has an Imp on their shoulder repeating everything they say in a squeaky voice. I’ve never even heard of this condition…

I met two of my Princeling’s friends last night. Nice pair, very polite. I’m happy for him.

Time to crack on. Finish this later.