So after what feels like a constant conveyer belt of health issues over the last year and a half, I ended up writing a letter to my doctor in the end. It’s seemed the best way of actually tackling all the various questions I have about my health. I’d never remember it all and this way, he could pick through it at his leisure.
I’ve wanted a full MOT for some time but all I could get was a blood test which came back normal.
I have a crushed vertebra from when I had a seizure in a car many years ago. This hasn’t been reviewed in years, so I was referred for spine x-rays. When the results came back it seems my spine is “ok” but I have reduced density in the bones. Doesn’t sound great. I asked about the lung reports too, as given my smoking heavily for 30 years, one can hardly have the “lungs of an 18 year old”. Turns out they were looking for tumours. What the notes actually said was “Lungs clear.”
I never did get full sensation back in my right leg so I also asked if this could be back related. Apparently not as my injury is in the wrong place for that. So I’ve been referred to neurology for my leg to be scanned for nerve damage. No idea why it would be so, but that’s the point. I have so many more questions after all my tests. It just doesn’t make sense to me that I’m so apparently healthy. I’m also going to neurology for my epilepsy review. I have a sub arachnoid cyst, and although it’s almost certain that its completely benign, it is possible that it could start growing.
On top on all these physical things, I’m still a psychological wreck. I’ve had the weirdest and most confusing thoughts over the last six months or so. And, of course, that bastard, guilt is as pervasive as ever. I wish I could just stay numb and not have any of this confusing stuff. Sometimes I still feel like I’m going through the motions on autopilot too though. Yet more contradictions. I’ve not been keeping up to date on one or two things recently. Never a good sign for me.
My doctor called me the very next day to go through everything. I have to say, I feel lucky to have to doctor(s) I have. They have helped us through the last 17 months so much. So after talking to me for well over an hour, I came away with several referrals in the pipe line. Awesome, finally something useful.
As for my mind, the doctor said he is more than happy to refer me to a psychiatrist, however the NHS will want me to be assessed by Italk first. Fine, whatever it takes. My doctor agreed with me in that all these things need putting to bed once and for all so we can get a life health plan together for the coming years. The guy is a legend.
I’m guessing that the reduced bone density in my spine does not bode well in the long term. Well, it can’t be a good thing can it? I’m so lucky I wasn’t paralysed in the original injury and I have no intention of letting myself end up that way if I can possibly avoid it.
On the back of last weeks X-ray, he is referring me for a deeper scan of my spine to see it in more detail. Strange. I was not scared (for me) in the slightest if I dropped dead from a broken heart, but the thought of going through that much pain again… Not keen at all. I suffered for over six years after it happened.
I’m sat in Costa finishing this off. I must have spent so much time blogging here. I still hate all the happy people out there walking past.
As for the medical stuff, it’s a case of wait and see now… Wish me luck… I guess…
I’m getting seriously bored with being triggered. This trigger was different however. Yesterday was a quiet, chilled day until around 4pm. Standing with my back to the roundabout that the vaccination centre is on, I hear a huge bang. I turn around to see a car that was being chased by the police has ploughed straight into the drivers door of some poor soul going about their business. The scumbag had gone the wrong way round the roundabout. Horrific. The pursuit car came flying around about 30 seconds later. I was ok at first but when the victim didn’t get out, I started having a panic attack.
The longer the victim was in the car, the worse it got. In the end, my supervisor sent me away so I could get myself together. I went round the corner and sat chain smoking and crying for half an hour then returned to my post only to see the fire brigade trying to extricate them through the boot. Cue more crying so I’m sent away again. In the end they had to cut them out of the vehicle. I’ve never seen anyone cut out of a vehicle before.
Empathy is a real bitch sometimes…
By the time I got home, I was still shaking. Mental. Now, I’m not in the habit of grabbing an alcoholic drink the minute I get home, for the record. I did yesterday though. I needed it, lots. It had taken me a few days to get over it, it seems. I noticed on the way to work this morning that I glanced across to the wrong side of the roundabout just in case. Clearly it’s still playing on my mind.
The above all happened just over a week ago. Work, sleep, work, sleep…
It’s Saturday afternoon and last night was a blast. Again. I’ve spent most of my day job searching for my Princeling and I. My CV was hopelessly out of date. I take a break to do some housework, so I tell Alexa to play my Spotify on random while I’m in the kitchen. The second tracked played was Taciturn by Stone Sour.
BAM!!! That fucking train again. Straight through my heart. I’ve been crying ever since. I have no idea why it’s kicked me so hard today. Sure, the song triggered it but I’ve been pretty much full on since. Great…
I snap back out of it when I receive a call from Tesco, saying they can’t deliver and could I collect my groceries? Ugh. Guess I’m going out then. Bloodshot eyes from crying are not a good look. Whatever. I don’t actually care what anyone thinks any more. I don’t fancy peopling much either. Much as my social anxiety is immeasurably better now, I’m still screaming inside when shopping. I’m already a wreck so it should be fun! Still, at least I can get my shopping early.
Sat here thinking about it, I realise that it’s obvious why I’m more stressed. I’m job hunting… Again. Money is going to be short going forward anyway I think. I need to think out of the box if I’m going to make our finances work. I think I’ll have a chat with my boss about prospects once we close. You never know, I might be able to find something considering how many people know me at the vaccine centre. Volunteers, staff, clinical team and more besides. Various potential networking avenues.
Ugh. I can’t just sit here feeling sorry for myself. I need to get my shit together. I’ll finish this here.
Every now and then I get a background anxiety that slowly grows and grows until I can think of nothing else. I now realise that this is my mind kicking my arse to keep on top of things. Funny how you can train background processes. If only I was a computer… I’d have no emotions.
Sometimes, once my financial month is planned, I kind of sit back and ignore it for a short while. Not deliberately but the effect is much the same. Once the anxiety gets to a peak, I obsess over my finances and paperwork. I should be doing this at least weekly. How do I train myself not to let it do it’s own thing? That can be dangerous, financially speaking.
I heard recently that the vaccine centre should be open until at least the beginning of September. Whilst that may be three months away, I can’t assume it will last that long, and even then, three months can go by in a flash and I would end up jobless with no plan B.
So what do I look for? I have think about two types of job. In the short term, anything I can find, if we are to be ready for the loss of bereavement benefit. Also in September. Potential financial disaster there. The other thing is a career job. Progression. After everything, it’s coming full circle. When there’s no money to pay the bills, I’m a stressed out wreck, and having to take literally anything is soul destroying at best. Take the Covid factory I was at for instance. Cess pool of scumbags mostly and zero chance of pay rises or progression.
I’ve spent most of today going through bills and a ton of other stuff. Phone calls, emails etc etc. Funny… I’m working harder today at home than I do at work. The only thing that has kept me going today is the anxiety adrenalin from not having done it. I can only keep it up for so long though. I have a pit stop after a couple of hours, then pontificate for a bit. A couple of hours later, I had another pit stop. Only it was just a stop. I had something to eat and now I’m sat on the sofa with the laptop, bashing out this drivel.
Now the very thing that stops me cracking on has kicked in. It’s infuriating and totally self indulgent. Another trait I’m still struggling to eradicate. I’m in a weird head space today and can’t quite place it. I know one thing. I’m feeling a little lost. After all the power ups and catharsis, there is a battle in my head between the old, beta me and the new, not quite alpha me. I can’t reconcile any of it yet and with so much in my head, there is little room for contemplating the absurdity of the Cosmos and my place in it.
Recently, I have become a distributor of gold clam sunglasses. Many of the headcases outside the UK have horrific shipping charges but from here it’s cheap so I’ve been sending them all over the place. Even to Mr Milky in the Middle East. I randomly decided to purchase six pairs and send them to my headcase friends. I had to purchase another 6 as I was asked for even more!
Mr T has just curled up under my left arm and has fallen asleep. Cute.
So what now? I still need to go to the shop. I drove straight home from the Post Office on autopilot and now I can’t be bothered. Well, it’s open til 7pm… Being sat on the sofa just makes me want to sleep. If I didn’t have the laptop here, I’d already be snoring. The way I feel right now, I could do with a ‘Hoodie’ nap. When I’m depressed, I tend to sofa nap in a hoodie with the hood pulled right over to cover my eyes. My Princeling knows I’m feeling crap when he see’s me with my hood up.
But no, not today. Partly because I don’t want to wallow, and partly because my hoodies are all upstairs and I can’t be bothered to go and get one. It’s nice having Mr T as an arm rest too. Fast asleep even though I’m typing. I love him so much. I must give him more cuddles.
A lot has happened over the last week or so. I went to see my former colleague and good friend last week. I finally met his partner. She is lovely. I have only seen him a few times in the last year and when I arrived they gave me a Christmas present bag. Inside was a bottle of American Rye Whiskey and a cross stitch of the Machine Head logo, stitched by his partner. I was so touched.
When Friday came, I was so up for it. I had a couple of weak beers left, but I couldn’t find my shot glass so once the beers were gone, I slugged a hit from the bottle. It wasn’t long before I was giggling like an imbecile and, along with the others, laughed so hard, for so long, my jaw was aching. It was the most I’ve laughed since before My Lady passed. Who needs a glass anyway! I ended up forcing myself to bed at around 6:30am. I could have gone on for hours. We had so much fun, we all got together on Zoom again on Sunday night.
On Tuesday, I had the most random thought. Piercings… I had never ruled out having more piercings, but about an hour before I finished work, I decided right then and there to go and get two in the top of my left ear. I drove straight to the piercing studio from work. Looking back now, I can’t actually remember what the final catalyst was to go and do it straight away. Aside from the ‘why?’, this new spontaneous side of me sure is a lot of fun, that much is true. I wonder where it will lead? I now have a total of six piercings and I plan to have more too. This life is too short for being unadventurous. Take it from me… I know.
So, the washing is done, upstairs is clean (It was gross.) and the only housework left to do is hoover downstairs and finish the washing up. At some point, I’ll have to go through yet more documents pertaining to My Lady’s death. Another thing I’ve been putting off. I’ll have that finished today though. I’m done with it hanging over my head. I’ve tried to read it many times, but I’ve gone into meltdown every time.
Much as I’m very comfortable here with Mr T keeping me warm and cosy, I need to go to the shop really. Wow, it’s six o’clock already. I really DO need to get going.
I’ll finish this later…
So, I’m now in bed with the laptop. I’m nice and mellow thanks to the Rye Whiskey my Irish friend gave me. Not much else got done after the above. I’ve been watching IRacing on YouTube. What I actually want to do is DO some IRacing, but tonight I am too tired, probably too drunk and it’s too late to start anyway, my having work in the morning. Oh well, I still got a lot of things done today, even if it wasn’t all of it.
So at the end of another mental day, I’m none the bloody wiser, head space wise. I guess this will be a long and slow process. I’m done here for today. I think I’ll play a bit of Battlefield 1942 before I sleep.
So today is my granddaughters first birthday. Weird. Yet another event that hammers home how long it has been since I lost My Lady.
I stopped by my old workplace this afternoon to see my dear friend and adopted brother. Unfortunately, Mr Angry came out with him. Dickhead. I still despise him. Fetid creature that he is. I really should let that go as it’s only me suffering over it. By all accounts, it’s sounds like the place is going down the pan. Well, you reap what you sow and given that the CEO is dialling back his involvement in the company, and that bitter old goat, #2 will be taking the reigns, it will only get worse. People are leaving like rats from a sinking ship. It’s a shame they let things go the way they did. It was a great place to work at one point.
It was great to catch up, I’ve missed my adopted brother lots. I even bumped into that bitter old goat #2. I really don’t like him either. Nasty piece of work that guy is. I recently found out that they were considering taking on in tech support again. When my name was mentioned, #2 said he wouldn’t have me back. It seems to be a thing for him. I’ve heard him say that about a few people and it wouldn’t seem to be for any other reason than they had already got rid of them once.
I’m sat in Costa once again. I feel a little lost at the mo. There are important things to get on with but I just want to work through this vibe. It’s a strange thing, you know. Now that there has been some time since My Lady’s passing, I actually want to wallow today, despite what I said about this recently. This time last year, I was closer to My Lady as it hadn’t long happened. Weird. Why would I crave the horrific grief I was experiencing last summer? Just being sat in Costa blogging takes me back there. Why I find this comforting, I have no idea. I look out of the window and I still resent all the people coming and going as if nothing had happened. Sometimes, just sometimes, I hate them all. Every… Last… One of them. How dare they be happy/content/any other positive adjective you care to think of.
Work husband checked in on me yesterday, bless him. He knows what I’m like on shittyversaries. I always appreciate him checking in. I try to do the same but recently, I’ve gone quiet and have made little effort to contact anyone. This is not a good time to start getting lost in my grief again. I need to start searching for a long term job as the vaccination centre job won’t last forever.
I seem to be up and down like a yoyo today. What’s going on? I just had a rant on Facebook. A full on rant, much like I do here. That was the sole point of creating another Facebook account. So I can express myself freely. It seems a bit strange to do that when I do exactly that here though. I think I want everyone to hear me this time. Very few people read this blog, and even fewer that actually know me.
The afternoon… Wait… I just looked at the clock and it’s just gone seven! I was about to say how the afternoon was flying by and I have achieved next to nothing. Point made methinks.
So, my Princeling want his friend to stay overnight. Funnily enough, he is the one kid I get a good and (semi) innocent vibe from. Doesn’t seem like trouble. We shall see. I agreed for him to stay. My Princeling will appreciate it, I know he will. I have been a bit obsessive about not having anyone in my house. I don’t trust anyone and with all the love in the world, I certainly don’t 100% trust my Princelings judgment in these matters. Purely because of his age, you understand. It takes most people a shed load of mistakes to learn this and it often takes years. What ever, you’ll never know if you can trust someone if you don’t put them in a place of trust. That’s new.
I had to stop obsessing about trust at some point I guess. See what happens. I’d always thought I’d prefer my Princeling to be chilling in his room with his mate rather than being out and about. Selfishly of course. I have to be honest with myself. I think I’ve become neurotic about it now. I can never truly relax when he isn’t home. Just part of being a parent.
The evening is flying too. I’m going to wrap this up here.
It’s Monday. Midsummers day. 13 years to the day that My Lady and I got hand fasted. It was Fathers day yesterday. Fathers day vibe has changed. It now feels like a sad day as for some reason it emphasises My Lady being gone. It’s my Granddaughters first birthday tomorrow. Three emotionally charged days in a row. I was at work yesterday, but I have today and tomorrow off. No idea if it’s a good or bad thing yet. I’ve been simmering a lot today. I’ve cried a few times but I’ve crushed it down every time.
My Father and his partner came round today. It’s the first time I’ve seem them in months. I found it very hard not to spill my guts and, of course, I did a little. It was so good to see them. Now they are gone, I’m simmering again. I’m getting fed up with this crap, yet I’m powerless to prevent it. Most of the time anyway.
Dinner is done, my Princeling has gone out for a bit and I’m sat at my desktop bashing out this drivel, while listening to meditation rain music. It’s also raining outside too. Figures. This is the second anniversary without My Lady. The second… Surreal.
I feel numb. Good, numb is better than bawling. Every now and then the emotions wash over me and I hyperventilate for a few seconds. I haven’t done that for months. Fortunately, I can catch it before it gets too far but that in itself is exhausting. I want My Lady back so much. I can feel myself getting stuck in that loop again. I understand it so much better now though. When I “wallow”, it kind of feels like the world has stopped for a moment and I get lost in a memory of her. Painful and comforting at the same time. It always was.
Time to pull myself together again and crack on. I can lose hours and hours sometimes in this mood. Not productive at all. I think I’ll play guitar for a bit. My soul needs something.
So Friday has come at last. I had yesterday off and the rain held off all day, only to hammer down all day today so far. I was soaked before we even had our briefing this morning. Like I said, moist… Very moist.
Having finished at 2pm today, I find myself in Costa once more. It’s been a strange week. Ups and downs ‘a plenty all week. Currently feeling ok I think. I say I think, as there is something in the background that I can’t put my finger on. Guess I’ll find out soon enough. If I’ve learned one thing, it’s to listen to vibes when I get them. There is usually a good reason for it. Never been wrong yet. As they say, just because you’re paranoid, doesn’t mean they aren’t out to get you. Who knows?
So I’m sat here with soggy feet, sipping my usual large latte, pondering what to do today. Shower first obviously. Housework is mostly done. No early start tomorrow, so I can finally stay up longer with my Subsfam. I have found it very frustrating not being able to spend a decent amount of time with them. The longer I know them, the worse that vibe gets. I’m really looking forward to tonight so much. It got to the point that I was really resenting my Saturday job. I’ll be doing some Saturday hours at the vaccine centre going forward. I had to stop the academy work to facilitate this. At least I don’t have to be up early anymore.
This whole beta/alpha conundrum still playing on my mind. Hearing comments from so many people regarding my personality recently has given me a kind of power up. I won’t lie, I have found it quite exhilarating at times. I actually feel more in control of my life than ever. Or rather I have more confidence in myself to grab life by the balls and make it my own instead of throwing my hands up and submitting to fates bullshit.
So, it’s happened again… My Aunt died yesterday. I found out this morning. I had not seen her in decades. I wasn’t close to her. I had no issue with her either. In fact I have some lovely childhood memories of trips to Guernsey to see her and several other family members. It was not expected obviously, not being in contact, but part of me thought ‘Figures, yet another death’. The first of my dads generation on his side. And so begins the next series of deaths… Already…
I‘ve had a few little cry’s, but I’m more pissed off than upset. I mean… C’mon, again?!
I had been pontificating about getting my hair cut over the last few days. That was all the push I needed to get off my arse and go to the salon. The salon where My Lady had her hair done, of course.
I could count how many times I’ve had a proper cut in the last 30 years on both hands. The hairdresser was lovely. She treated me to a free head massage in the middle of it. What bliss. I’ve not had anyone massage my head in so long, obviously. I immediately stopped talking (wow) and just melted into the chair.
So now my hair feels like silk. I hadn’t realised how bad a condition my hair was in. I’m sat in the garden drinking a cold beer and smoking. I’ll be damned if I’m going out again today. My Princeling and I are having another BBQ soon. The Sun is shining, the birds are singing. The garden is thriving. All last summer putting so much work into the garden has paid off in dividends. In fact, I’m struggling to keep it all under control. How I wish My Lady could see it.
I miss her so damn much…
So, if you include the Darkest of Stars, the average rate of people/pets dying is back up to around two per year over the last few years. Living the dream.
Ms Catharsis had the 2nd anniversary of her fathers passing yesterday too. Between the pair of us… Jebus, how much loss and grief?! We are so on the same level when it comes to loss. Totally sick of it. We both wish we could actually be there in person for that much needed big hug. Crazy to think that we have been close friends for over a year now. Along with one other Headcase, I am closest to Ms Catharsis. Still after all this time, the group hasn’t turned toxic. Just two blips in the whole time, which were dealt with respectfully and appropriately. Quickly too. We are all very protective about our group. Some have even called us elitist, but they don’t understand the reason for us not wanting to add people to the group. It’s not us being snobby. We are the ones who were invited to that surreal Zoom meeting with Robb Flynn. We shared something special that night. Even Robb has started referring to us as “The original Subsclub.” Mental.
In recent months some of the headcases drift apart (a tiny bit) and some of us have got much, much closer. It never stops feeling surreal and we all feel the same… STILL…
So now I’m chain smoking Marlboro Reds, drinking beer and bashing out this drivel in the sunshine. What now? Am I going to spiral into this one? Or rather, am I going to LET myself spiral? Having today off work, the weather, the bad news… I’m sorely tempted. This time it’s different. There’s a part of me that’s starting to resent the wallowing. That’s new.
I’ve had some interesting comments on my personality recently that got me thinking. Precious mentioned that she was used to me being a beta male. Indeed I was, and no doubt some of that is still in me but people are not seeing that. I got chatting with the clinical lead at the vaccine centre the other day. As usual my ‘Truth Tourette’s’ was in full effect. I mentioned that I was enjoying not only working there in general, but particularly being on the front door and how it has done wonders for my social anxiety. She seemed genuinely surprised by my comment. When I mentioned that I had always been a beta, she said “I’d have never thought that, you don’t seem like that at all.”
Interesting. So all my going on about symbols of strength and “Being the storm.” seem to be having the desired effect. If that is genuinely how people see me now.
Strange…
Back in the garden again and it’s a few hours later. Smoking and drinking beer again. My Princeling is out with his friends. I have Spotify’s ‘Ibiza Sunset.’ playing. Those daydreams of hot beaches and nothing to worry about still consume my mind in this setting.
My Princeling is on his way home and I’ve lit the bbq. By all accounts the perfect evening for it. Which makes it worse. I can’t help thinking about all the times we had bbq’s. I still go to grab the Chinese pork chops that have only My Lady and I liked when meat shopping. I’ll just put on the mask again for my Princeling, and crack on with being “normal”, whatever that is.
So we have the BBQ and my Princeling retires to his room again. I stink of BBQ smoke , so I have a shower and go to bed. I’m now sat up in bed with the laptop, drinking a strong JD and coke and smoking again. So much for not smoking indoors. I have work tomorrow and here I am, drinking in bed. Not the first time either. I’m not getting drunk, I hardly ever do. However, it’s “Indicative of a general headset” as My Lady used to say. I refuse to drink if there’s any chance I might be driving, but once I’m done for the day, recently, it has been one of my first thoughts sometimes. Today, once I was done, that was it. Beers, music and sunshine.
I have quite a nice buzz now and am starting to feel sleepy.
So for the first time in months, I’m sat in Costa blogging. The last few days have been strange. I missed a couple of doses of my antidepressants. I’ve not been in a good place since. Today particularly. I was supposed to be going to Lidl to do some shopping but on autopilot, I drive to the Ham shops. The thought then occurred to me… We are free to eat and drink indoors again now. Costa… But the shopping… Costa. Damn it, this is how I was last summer. Get a bloody grip!
So I refused to get a grip and here I am, sipping a large latte. I look out of the window at the people going by, life going on as if nothing had happened. I still hate that.
So I finished up my latte, and drove down to Lidl. Faffed around for an excessive amount of time and just about stopped myself going nuts buying lots of grief/comfort food. I was even tempted by the plants they had outside… Again. The whole time I was out was quite intense. It has shown me not only how far I’ve come, but how without the antidepressants I’d still be a wreck. Triggers all over the place. Clearly I’ve subconsciously managed to block the emotional responses to most of them. It felt like a bombardment of triggers. I kept it together throughout but still… I almost forgot what it was like… Almost.
I’ve just put the shopping away and am drinking my red bull, listening to the meditation playlist I had on in the garden all summer. I’m really not helping my mental state here am I? Whatever. One thing I’ve learned is sometimes, you have to go with it even if it’s only for a little while. It works for me anyway.
Sat in the garden now, smoking and listening to “The Queen of all Everything.” I really need to shake this off. It’s debilitating. I made the effort to get out this morning. Mr C appreciated the extra walk. Same then. All the times walking with My Lady to the local shop. The school runs on the same route when my Princeling was in junior school. Simmering all the while. It’s mental now I have the emotional contrast again. Despite my feeling like I’m constantly clinging on for grim death to my sanity, looking back, I’ve been emotionally stable for the most part for some time.
Until recently…
I’ve been getting lost in various fantasies again. Hot beaches, Long Island ice teas and lots more besides. Now I’m getting the kickback. No doubt the dip in antidepressants is contributing, but Ronnie Real always comes ’a knocking at some point. He knocked my door last night. You see the trouble with fantasies is that they are just that… Fantasies. Who am I kidding here? Daydreaming about hot beaches and stuff has got me through some dark times but if you buy into them too much, you only end up feeling crappy in some way because you can’t do whatever it is. Then of course, what would the reality be like? When I think about it enough, it’s actually a little scary. Time to focus on what is real and achievable and stop living in the clouds. The recent work, sleep, work, sleep vibe has made time fly by for me. This makes My Lady’s passing feel like it was yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once.
Ugh, my mind keeps going around in circles right now. The storm clouds are closing in. I hope we get a big thunderous storm.
I’ve just noticed that I’m constantly, obsessively fiddling with My Lady’s wedding rings on my right hand. Damn, I hope the meds level out by tomorrow morning. Work will not be fun otherwise.
Wow. It’s 6pm already! Guess I’d better get dinner on.
Later friends…
And, just as I’m just about to publish this, the rain starts falling…
Well, a lot has happened over the last few weeks. My hours at work have been cut back but not by too much. It was quite a concern for a while. The Headcases United track is done for my parts. I’m still waiting for the rest of the guys to get their photos done along with the lyrics and vocals. Then I need to discuss the mixing of the track with Mr Odin. I’m sure he won’t be offended, but I’m really not happy with his preliminary mixing. Mine sounds a lot better. I’ve always had a good ear for tone, be it playing guitar, or when recording. My main problem until now was how to get the tone I want. I’m finally there I think and it can only get better from here. If I can get my head around composition, I might be able to do something really good. God I’d love that. To be able to express myself fully as a musician and song writer. I have lots of clips, noodling and “test” tracks but, as ever, I never finish anything.
I’ve been struggling with sleep lately. Sometimes I start at 7am, sometimes half nine. Regardless, my mind wants to stay up late even if my body is shattered. I work every Sunday now and with the Saturday morning job at the performing arts academy, weekends don’t mean a lot any more. For everyone else it’s Monday but for me it’s Tuesday and I’m off tomorrow. It would be nice to have a regular routine.
Still, it pays well and it has kept our financial butt out of the fire. Mustn’t grumble. We still don’t know how long this job will last. Time to start hunting a permanent position.
I’m on my break as I’m typing this and it’s just started to rain. Great…
Well… Colour me amazed. A while ago, Mr Odin came up with the idea of the musicians in Subsclub creating a song together. He creates the drum track, sends it to me. I create my riffs and pass it on to the Buttermeister in Germany. He then passes it on to Mr Milky in Jordan. Mr Cocktail Carnage then adds the bass and sends it to Mr Uppercut in Brisbane for lyric writing. He then sends this to Mr Wang Chuck in New York and Mr Screamer in Ohio. At every stage, each participant sends their raw track to Mr Odin in Kentucky, who will put it all together for mixing. It took me about two weeks and a 9am until midnight to get it done. I’m still not happy with it and the more I listen to it, the more I hear hear the timing errors. Still, I ran it past everyone and they all loved it… Say what now? My life gets ever more surreal. I consider all of them far better musicians and indeed, Mr Milky has now released two singles, and they kick arse too.
If you’d have told me about this project before last years horrific events, I’d have said you were crazy. Yet here I am, in a musical collaboration with people all around the world. Mr Odin even said we should get photo’s. Ha, I haven’t done a band photo in 20 years. My Princeling agreed to come with me down to the copse at the bottom of the Close and take some photo’s. It was the only thing I could think of as an appropriate setting. I’m thinking Black Sabbath meets Black Metal in the woods… Lol.
Precious helped him adjust and filter them and the result was surprisingly good. I think. It’s not the photos themselves I’m unsure of, as he did a great job. It’s just… Seeing myself in my new image, purple hair, purple guitar, and of course, the obligatory sunglasses. Moody metal photoshoot, I mean… Come on. Is that not ridiculous? Another sign of my midlife crisis methinks. I posted them in our group, so that’s three of us with pics. I need to kick the arse of the rest. This is fun. The word fun is still a very relative term. Throughout all of my musical thoughts, I’m always reminded of how My Lady loved me playing guitar. She would have gone nuts over this. Music will forever be poignant now, whatever I play it will be the same. I accepted this some time ago. How I wish she could enjoy my new self with me. All the work and no reward… Life’s such a bitch sometimes.
Mr Buttermeister is nearly finished with his parts. I can’t wait to hear what he has put next to my riffs. If we all take as long as I did, it will be a month at least until the parts are together, then however long it takes for Mr Odin to put it together. I’m hoping I get to play with the final mix. Mr Odin seems to be good at some parts, and I others. Between each of us, I think it will sound pretty good. What happens after it’s finished, I have no idea and it’s not even been discussed. In the back of my mind, I’m sure it will end up being heard by Robb (Flynn). Like I said… Ever more surreal.
Sadly, Friday morning, Robbs mother passed away. Obviously the Happy Hour was cancelled. We did our Zoom as usual and made a little video of us making a toast and sent it to him. Sad times…
I’m not having a good day…I’ve been on a roller coaster all week. I’ve felt that simmering coming back for a while.
I’ve been working at the vaccine centre for two months now. We have all got used to it and have pulled together well as a team to become quite efficient. After weeks and weeks of freezing, soaking and generally unpleasant weather, the sunshine finally arrived. I’ve been looking forward to it for months. In a tabard and t-shirt, I was checking people in at the entrance, actually quite happy basking in the sun. As part of the no wastage policy, the local schools had finally been called for the teachers to be vaccinated. One by one, around 20 of My Lady’s colleagues arrived for their jab. I have to say, it was genuinely lovely to see them all, but of course they all asked how I was and “How are you coping now?” In the middle of this, a Harley Davidson pulls up right next to us. ‘Right…’ I thought to myself in that pissed off tone. I kept it together throughout, but I was screaming inside for the remainder of the day.
I had the following day off and although it wasn’t sunny, it was warm all day. Garden time. Finally. So I tidy it all up, hoover the lawn and have a short pit stop to ponder my next step. The outdoor audio system is back up and sounding nice. Just like last summer. Last summer… The most intense and painful time I’ve ever been through. Being locked down and furloughed last year, I had stupid amounts of time to wallow in despair and trauma. And I did. Lots. You only have to read my blogs from then to see this.
As much as I want to get the garden in order, I’m getting flashbacks to the agony I went through when I was working on the garden last year. I was obsessed with making it beautiful. Fortunately, now I’ve cleared the winter detritus away, my work last year is still paying off.
So today would have been My Lady’s 42nd birthday. As ever, when I wake up I don’t quite remember the significance of the day. As usual, once I remember it all goes to shit. I haven’t played “Those” songs for months and months. Today, I felt the need to hear them again. The songs My Lady had on her Loved up playlists, mine too and various other triggering songs. I have a mini meltdown and this time, my Princeling didn’t see it. I snap myself out of it, change the music and crack on with chores. Living the dream…
My Princeling is quiet today, unsurprisingly. I’m taking him to Costa in a bit if for no other reason than to get him out of the house. As I’m going through my old posts, I notice that it’s a year to the day that I created this blog. A year?… Wow, and there it is again… Trigger. My first post was tomorrow. Great, my head is spinning now I realise that. Why can’t I just feel numb instead? I forgot how debilitating these emotional freight trains were. Did I mention?… I hate trains.
The damn weather can’t make it’s mind up today. It started sunny and warm, turned bloody freezing and then back to warm and sunny. Now it’s getting cold again. Seems legit. It’s kind of how the ashes of my heart have felt today. It’s infuriating. I’m flitting from one emotion to another, from one memory to another. Almost like I’m riding the train rather than being run over by it. Equally unpleasant. I don’t like feeling out of control anymore. At the same time, I’m sick of always having to be strong. Yet I continue, as ever. Yet more contradictions. I sometimes wonder if it will ever end. Then I remember… Of course it will never end. Why would I want it to? Then my cathartic head pops up and says ‘But you can’t wallow in this forever.’ Cue guilt trip. Ugh…
This is all in such stark contrast to recent times, I’m struggling with it. I don’t want to go back to being completely useless, rocking back and forth, screaming and crying. Yet that’s what happened this morning. F***ing trains… Hate them. I also remember now why I stopped listening to “Those” songs. All I want to do now is escape to my beach, drink Long Island Ice Tea’s, soaking up the sun with my family and soul friends. Mad as it sounds I have several now. Some of us have had really intimate conversations about hopes and dreams, depression, anxiety, people we’ve lost and lots more besides. We’ve shared it all. My closest in “real” life are all struggling just like everyone. We miss our hugs so much. I was supposed to see my dear friend and (not so) newly adopted sister today, but she is feeling ill. It’s been months since we have seen each other. Bored now…
So Friday has come again at last. I’m going to have one more go at dyeing my hair and then I’m going to leave it for a while. Once the hair is done, my Princeling and I settle to watch some TV and eat. We watch TV a lot more now.
Having been a good boy, I still had 3/4 of my bourbon and hadn’t touched the craft beers. That needed addressing this week…
So, after having a ‘good’ few weeks, it’s all come crashing down again. Three shit dates in one weekend. Yes, you heard me, I said three. Yesterday was the first anniversary of My Lady’s funeral. I hadn’t spent much time thinking about it leading up to it. In fact, most of Friday I was in a great mood. Yesterday morning, I had still not remembered. Then in the afternoon, it hit me. Hard. Que first proper meltdown in quite a while. As ever, I spilled my guts in the Subs Club group chat like we all do. Several loving messages came in, again, as usual.
Mr Pub Shredder said “Cry, scream, shred, sleep, do what you need to and let it out.” Nice. Hmm. Shredding… Not done so much of that recently. Around the same time, Mr Odin asked four of us if we would be interested in playing something of our creation over a drum track he would make. I’ve not recorded anything in quite some time… Seems the Cosmos is poking me again. If I’m going to do something with them, I want the Jackson setup to suit. Fortunately Mr Odin suggested a compromise as I don’t have super heavy strings for down tuning. Drop-D. Cool, that would work. So I took the Jackson off the wall, laid in on the table on the props and set it up. Once it was settled and adjusted, I plugged her in and gave it large! With the EMG pickup and being down tuned, the Jackson sounded great, much closer to “That” sound. Down picking, chugfest heaven. I spend the rest of the evening getting used to it by running some beats on EZ drummer. Finishing up with learning Game Over by Machine Head, I get to bed at a semi reasonable time. 2:30… Yeah I know…
Well, that was last week. Don’t know why I didn’t publish it, but here it is. X
I’m still having the strangest feelings. My mind has been on full power for weeks now, trying to process the shifts in my head space. It’s difficult as I have felt different every morning for a few weeks now. I’m getting impatient to find out where this new vibe will lead me. On top of everything, I’ve been having some really confusing feelings. Mr Cocktail Carnage from Subs club and I spoke on the phone for a couple of hours the other day. He always said he has an open inbox and I felt brave enough to ask him for a chat. A widow too, he is further on his journey and he helped me put things into perspective.
I started this post nearly a week ago. I’ve been so knackered from work, I can barely be bothered with cooking and house work, let alone blogging. I guess that’s a good thing in one way. The main motivation throughout the time I’ve been blogging has been writing about my grief. Ok, it’s always been about my life in general too, but I feel the need to blog most when I am suffering in my grief. Last summer, of course, I was more despairing and I had all the time in the world what with lockdown and being furloughed. I had the ‘luxury’ of being able to thrash out so much grief. Mrs Golf has the opposite problem. It just shows how differently grief can manifest from person to person. Sadly, I have always been able to wallow in self pity. It’s been one of my most unattractive traits. Something that, until I lost My Lady, I had always tried so hard not to do. Once My Lady passed away, not only was the only reason I had not to wallow gone, but I had ceased to care what anyone thought. I still feel the same to some extent. Other than with the kids and a few of my closest.
I still have the attitude that if you don’t like me talking about My Lady, my grief, my pain, then basically get stuffed. It’s who I am now. It’s the biggest part of my heart and mind, pretty much all the time. The only thing that changes is what emotion I’m feeling at the time. It’s quite liberating, not giving a fuck whether people like you or not. I thought I felt like that anyway, but no… Now I REALLY don’t give a fuck. At the same time, I DO care how my people feel about me. I have interacted with more and more people and rebuilt the social skills I lost during lockdown. I rebuilt them differently it seems though. I’m finding people reacting to me very differently to how I’m used to. Everything is so different now. I’ve said this countless times, but when My Lady was still here, EVERYTHING I did was either with her in mind or within the set parameters of being happily married. Now I only have to think of myself then considering how I want things around me. It’s strange. I’m also starting to understand that I can’t stay crippled with grief forever. I’m still torn though. I feel disloyal at the merest thought of making a new life for us. Yet, it’s the right thing to do, and I have to do it, and to be fair on myself, I am doing it. I have to admit to a ‘pleasant’ feeling sometimes when I’ve taken big steps towards the new life without My Lady. Cue guilt trip… Ugh. I wish I could just take the wins with no kickback. The guilt trips are not as painful as they used to be but that in itself triggers guilt… Bored now… I’m fed up with going around in circles and yet the thing is, in many ways that couldn’t be further from the truth. It would seem I’m just a bag of contradictions at the moment… How new.
After a few days with my new hair, I decided I needed to try again. It looked like I had heavily streaked it. It looked like a really nice job too but it wasn’t enough for me. I want it all purple. Lots. Ms Catharsis said I should saturate it all heavily instead. I had Wednesday off, so I went to Boots again for more dye. I explained my situation and they agreed that to get the result I wanted, I needed lots of dye. The dye I’m using isn’t permanent either so that’s another thing to consider. I got a bottle of permanent too.
So I go for it this time. Fully saturated and left on for double the recommended time, for the hell of it really. Ms Catharsis, weirdly, also has Wednesday off and was having her hair dyed at the salon at the same time. We were comparing at each stage and she was giving me tips as we went. The timing was very strange, given the more than 5000 miles and 8 hours between us. By the end of it we both looked great. 🙂
Let’s just say… It worked. I am very purple.
Friday came again at last, and I am more than prepared for it this time. Another free case of beer and a half price bottle of Jim Beam should last me a few weeks. As ever, we start the Zoom meeting really early. As cool and fun as it is when the show is on, or we are all partying afterwards, there is something really nice about just sitting quietly doing our thing without much chat. Three of us were playing different things on guitar, and in 3 different tunings. Just hanging out, chilling. Ms Catharsis is still working Friday and Saturday nights so still can’t join us.
Mrs Cosplay and her husband agreed to split last week. She looks to have found a new house, so is happier. My other friend is happier now too. Thank the Gods, we all seem to be moving into a positive phase after the shit show of the last couple of months.
It’s now Saturday evening. My Princeling has already gone to bed. I have a ten hour shift tomorrow so I’ve been in Sunday mode all day. I’ve been in a weird headspace all day too. I can’t place it though. I’ve had random emotional outbursts a few times today. I seem to have gained the ability to crush them down into the blackest of coals and bury them deep in my heart however. I really am hiding behind a mask most of the time despite my wearing my grief on my sleeve. You see? Contradictions. How ironic that the very thing I had found impossible to do at first should be the one thing that (partly) enables me to push forward in life and fight my way through it, like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ha, ego much! I feel like I’m powering up in some way and it’s not an entirely unpleasant feeling.
I did a strange thing a day or two ago. I’ve been discussing bucket list trips and places to move to and actually started planning something. Wherever I go, I want to end up somewhere hot. California seems to be top of the list at the moment. I’ve planned road trips for fun many times over the years but this was a different headspace. I was going through all the possible routes that I’d have to take to visit all my Subsclub friends from North Bay and Montreal, Canada down through New York and then across the whole US to the West Coast. 3500 miles. The thing that was different was that I was planning something I didn’t just think I was going to do, but I know I’mgoing to, one day. Ever looked up one way flight prices to the USA? You’d be amazed. Before I knew it, I was researching visa’s to get into the US. What shocked me afterwards, was that I spent nearly an hour reading up immigrant visa’s, rather than a visitors one. It’s incredible how many hoops you have to jump through if you wanted to move to the USA.
It’s amazing what you can learn about yourself when you slip into the zone. Clearly part of me wants to move out there. Hardly surprising, I guess, but the reality of it took me unawares. Obviously I have no intention of going any time soon, and quite aside from Covid, I have my responsibilities and friends, and I take them seriously. Despite all this, it was good having the feeling that there is something positive ahead of me. I just have to do it. Like Ms Catharsis said: “Plan, save, make it happen.” You know what? I might just do that.
My Princeling and I just baked a lemon drizzle cake. We/I haven’t baked a cake since well before My Lady passed. It turned out perfectly too. Poignant again though. The cake was delicious, we nailed it first time. (Fist pump.)
So, It’s an hour an a half after I started writing here again and I’m a bit tipsy. Usually the guys that have not gone full on last night have another Zoom meeting and get drunk again together, or just chill together. I am usually one of them and it feels weird not being able to party. (He says, half cut with work in the morning.)
Well, it looks like my creative juices have dried up for today…
Well here I am at the end of another mental day. With so much to think about, my head is spinning, with a little help from Mr Beam of course. Ten hour shift, on a Sunday… That’s bear pea as my Princeling would say. Lets hope it feels worth it when I get paid for a 6 day week. I glance across at the world time zone app on my right screen. I notice that Mr Uppercut is probably having breakfast at 08:38, Mr Milky is probably about to fall asleep at 00:38, Mrs Cosplay is having dinner at 17:38, and Ms Catharsis is starting work in just under an hour at 14:38. I still find that weird after all this time. I’m lucky to have found these people… Very lucky.
Well… What an interesting week. There’s been a shift in the Cosmos. After the events of last weekend, the Zoom fun, the long chats into the night, and discovering so many things in common, I’ve felt different ever since. The impact of it can’t be overstated. Ever since, I’ve felt something building. I’ve felt like I’ve been floating all week. I’ve been chatting most of the day and some of the night all week. We have a lot in common. Grieving, life changing events, major life transitions. Strange as it sounds, it’s interesting to have people that’s on a similar journey. If for completely different reasons.
I’ve had that Catharsis song on repeat on my earphones all day, every day at work. How the hell does someone do that without getting utterly sick and tired of it? All week I’ve been slowly getting more and more behind on my sleep, when every single day my intention is to have an early night. I’m just constantly chatting. Strange to have so much to say to so many of the Subsfam. Up to eight hours behind, I wake to find a nice video wishing me a good day. So I do the same. Since last weekend a couple of them have done this. How nice is that?
So we get to the end of the week again. It’s Friday at last. On my first break, I messaged Precious as the thought of dyeing my hair purple popped back into my head again yesterday. No idea why. My first thought was bleaching it and going vibrant purple. Precious rightly pointed out that if I hated it, I’d have to grow it out and I would have damaged my hair for nothing. So I should just apply the dye to my hair as it is. It might sound silly, but as soon as she said she liked the idea, that was my green light. I don’t know why it’s so important that she approves. I guess it’s because she has always had an amazing eye for these things. The thought occurred to me afterwards that it’s the nearest thing I can get to My Lady’s opinion. Makes sense.
Once I had pulled the trigger on the idea, I became excited like a little kid. I found myself very amusing all day. Another shift in the Cosmos… I immediately decided I was going to get the dye on the way home and get it done asap. Once my Princeling and I had eaten, I set everything up and took a breath. This is a big deal. I’ve never wanted to dye my hair until I lost My Lady. I used to think this was a strange reaction to the grief, but now I get it. I’ve said all along, the man I was before My Lady passed is dead. I barely recognise him now. I always knew I was changing but these last few weeks it’s felt like someone put a rocket on my growth. It all sounds quite dramatic doesn’t it? Well I’m known having a propensity for the dramatic. I don’t care. This IS dramatic, for me.
I probably assisted My Lady with dyeing her hair hundreds, if not thousands of times over the years. I remember the process well. Poignant. It’s very different doing it to yourself. Throughout the whole process, my heart was pumping. The ultimate in “Fuck it.” moments. So far, anyway. No turning back now. When I was rubbing the dye into my hair, I felt so strange. Almost like my brain was physically rerouting neurons.
Once I rinsed it out and my Princeling had done my old job of cleaning the dye off my neck with a wet wipe, I started blow drying it and the colour slowly started coming through. I laughed. I finished drying it and just stood there for a few minutes staring at myself in the mirror. I just couldn’t stop laughing. I felt manic. Purple hair. Who’d of thought it? I look at the photos of My Lady next to the mirror and wonder what she would have thought.
I send a photo to Precious and she loved it. She suggested dyeing the beard too. Another flutter of excitement… Why not? There’s something inside me fighting to get out and I have no idea what it is. I know one thing though. It’s a bit crazy…
I’ve decided I love it. By all accounts, everyone I’ve shown loves it too. Mad. I’ve just about finished everything in time for Electric Happy Hour and join Zoom for our UN meeting. Mrs Catharsis has a new job which meant she wasn’t about this time as it was her first shift. I sent a few messages of encouragement over the course of the evening. My all accounts, she smashed it. Good for her.
Before the UN meeting, another member was opening up in the group about how unhappy she was at home. The same evening, another messaged me to say they had thought about hurting themselves. Jesus… What is it about not only this week, but today in particular? It’s not just me having a catharsis it seems. I wonder how much effect Subsfam has on any of it? If anything. It’s been a catalyst for me, that’s for sure.
It’s become a thing to send a photo the second you wake up. Just to give each other a smile in the morning. A lot of us are down at the moment. After last week, I’m still pathetically grateful for those dedications. I’ll treasure that you know.
Silly video clips sent to each other to cheer up despite being down themselves. Nice.
So now it’s Saturday night, or to be accurate, Sunday morning. 2am in fact. Wow! I slept in late today. I need to spend time with my Princeling tomorrow.
Well, here I am at the end of another mental day. I’ve had a beer and am feeling nice and mellow. At the same time, my brain is tingling with excitement at the thought of the unknown changes afoot. Strange, as uncertainty has been a major anxiety trigger for me since losing My Lady. I need to go to bed. I can’t get too far behind on sleep. I’ve had lots of energy today. It would be nice to feel like this all the time.
So the day finally came… One year to the day… I took the day off. Whether that was wise is debateable, but I really didn’t fancy standing in minus three conditions, pretending to be happy and friendly to the vaccinated. The day itself was bad, real bad. The first trigger actually came the night before, when one of My Lady’s closest colleagues text me to say they were thinking of us. Bam! There it is, the start of it. Great.
I distracted myself mostly. Sent Precious a loving text, knowing she will be in a similar vibe. My Princeling doesn’t work like that though. He seems to be dealing better.
So I get up the day after, get dressed for work. Three pairs of socks, PJ’s, jeans and waterproof trousers. Three T-shirts, a jumper, two coats, beanie hat, gloves and a scarf… I still get cold toes. Ever since those heart problems, my right big toe and outside of my right calf never did get the full sensation back. As a result, my big toe goes completely numb all day.
I roll up ten minutes early as usual and take my morning spot. I immediately notice a beautiful pastel sunrise. Great. It’s that time of year where, as I’m outside, I get to see the sunrise AND sunset. You may remember my post about sunsets. My Lady and I had a love of sunsets and rises. So I’ve been on site about five minutes and I’m triggered already. It’s all coming back. The emotions. I’m starting to realise how much things have changed in that regard. I’m right back to early times. I’m doing my best not to show it to my Princeling. He’s been an angel though. Bless him. Love him so much. He knows. He’s not stupid.
I have a volunteer with me on the exit. We get talking. Long story short, he lost his wife 4 years ago. Triggered. In the afternoon, I was on car park duties. The volunteer there was a Magistrate and Celebrant… Celebrant? Really? C’mon give me a break! As usual, my truth Tourette’s kicked in and I find myself deep in conversation about My Lady with a complete stranger. When will I stop doing that? Should I stop doing that? I have no idea.
Once I’m home, I get my bath run and start dinner. My Princeling and I are doing well with nailing down a normal routine. I’m working long hours, but my Princeling is bored out of his mind.
So Friday has come again at last. I never thought it possible but I look forward to it more every week and have more fun, and feel more love from these people every week. This week, Robb and JMac were doing an electric happy hour this time. Our UN meeting had started way before the live stream and we were having a blast. So much so that I turned the stream right down for a bit. I just about heard my favourite track of the moment, Catharsis. As it finished, I heard my name but I got to the volume too late and assumed he was mentioning something I had commented on.
The traditional last song of the night is Darkness Within. As usual a long intro, to say thanks etc. Then he says “This one goes out to Lord Crookedhorn. He’s having a rough time of it today. This time of year is always hard for him.” Robb looks knowingly over to JMac and he knowingly nods back. Don’t ask me how I knew, but I knew the guys had told them about why I was feeling shit. Turns out I was right.
I had already told the guys that I wanted to listen to it and muted them. When Robb dedicated Darkness Within to me, it nearly knocked me off of my chair. I turn around to my laptop and they are all smiling when they see my jaw drop to the floor. And it really did. I cried like a baby all the way through it. Unbelievable. These people are so special. I stayed up until half four in the morning and was, shall we say, more than a little tipsy. One of my friends lost a family member not so long back. We have been there for each other a few times and both have been listening to Catharsis on repeat. I had a particularly eloquent message of love and support from a friend in New York. One in Australia too.
These guys know me so well. Between them, they got through directly to Robb to tell him about my plight.
I wake after midday and before I’m even fully awake (I’m a bit hungover) I see a reply to my thank you for Darkness Within post. My Iraqi friend said “Don’t forget Catharsis!”. I play it back and blow me. Robb said a personal message just for me and dedicated Catharsis just to me… So I’m crying like a baby again by now.
Last night, I spent most of the zoom meeting multitasking talking to them and messaging my friend in California, the one who lost her family member… Let’s call her Mrs Catharsis.
Bless her, I noticed her looking upset on the Zoom feed then she turned off her camera. I ask if she is ok as we were in the middle of a conversation at the time. Married with children, Mrs Catharsis it turns out, is very unhappy and the show, plus our UN meeting made her spill her guts to me. I give her what support I can from 5000 miles away. Between myself and one of our lady friends from Albuquerque we helped her feel a bit better.
Back to today, and around lunchtime, I receive a message from her saying she is going to stay with family. Somewhat out of the blue to say the least. That escalated quickly. I just ask her to confirm she got to her family safely and left her alone. Mad. Most of us are open books to each other and this is a prime example. She has been supportive through many of my meltdowns so I intend to be there for hers. I’m sure she has one coming.
So many of us are having a shit time and we all have had each other through it all. I still chuckle at the absurdity of it all. From my old perspective though, I guess.
Without Covid, None of this would have happened. Talk about silver linings. I even feel guilty for being grateful for the pandemic. Ugh, I should have been a Catholic.
It’s Saturday night now. Wow, I just checked the time and its nearly 1am. I need to get to bed. Monday will be horrific if I’m exhausted before I even start. Trouble is, having stayed up till half four last night, I’m wide a bloody wake!
Oh… It’s past midnight. That means it’s Valentines day. Joy. Another hated day. I’m struggling to keep strong what with all the constant anniversaries and stuff. I guess I’ll just keep going… Still. Bored now. I’ve had my free trial and I want to cancel my subscription. How I wish I could just check out and wallow in self pity to my hearts content. But no. I can’t, as ever. I deliberately (?) allow myself mini meltdowns now and am getting better at my poker face. I feel numb in my mind and body now and not in a good way. I’m going to try to sleep… No doubt I’ll have yet more nightmares to sooth my sleep.
So after the shit show of my last job, the vaccine centre position is mine. It’s traffic/people marshalling but it’s so rewarding and it pays well. Standing for ten hours in the snow and -2/3c all day is less than pleasant but worth it. On my first day, I was warned not to speak to the press and to expect anti-vaccination protesters. They haven’t turned up so far. In the afternoon of my first day, I was asked if I have had the jab and when I said no I got one straight away. Amazing! Quite the momentous occasion I can tell you. After everything we/I have been through, actually getting vaccinated was emotional for me.
I wasn’t the only one. Two elderly ladies, either sisters or best friends, came out, arm in arm singing “I got my vaccination” and dancing the conga. They hadn’t seen anyone for the best part of a year as they were shielding. It’s so nice to see their smiling faces as they leave. So many others too.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of My Lady’s death. I’m off tomorrow. You might think I should go to work as a distraction but no, I’m doing my own thing. I’m meeting Mrs Golf for a walk and a coffee. She remembered when My Lady passed and offered to meet up. Bless her, how lovely.
My Lady’s close friend and colleague just text me as I’m typing this sending love ahead of tomorrow. Ugh, there it goes. It’s started. Great. After a mini cry, I guess I’ll be simmering from now on. As much as I have been counting down, now we are on the eve of the anniversary, I want to ignore it. Go figure. Jesus f**king Christ a whole year… Insane…
It’s warmer today. I’ve been able to feel my toes all day. We have ramped up vaccinations lots over the last week. Over 500 a day now and nearly 4000 in total. We’re smashing it and it’s such a good feeling. For the last three days, we have been outside for over ten hours a day and the temperature never got above -2C. Constant light snow too. I hate that. Snow or don’t snow… There is no try.
I have more to say but I noticed today that I haven’t played guitar for so long, the calluses on my fingers are shedding. Wholly unacceptable…
I’m sat in waiting room at the garage while they do my MOT test. I’m wound up so tight about it. Given my luck recently they will probably condemn it. The last thing I want is to have to get my bicycle together and start riding to work. Wherever work may be, when I get a job.
I’m thoroughly depressed today. I’ve been going through my tech as I plan to put a permanent Ethernet socket in my Princelings room. It’s been so long since I configured the access points. I’ve probably forgotten more than I have learned. I thought that seeing as I have quite a bit of expensive kit here, I should setup the CCTV and look into contents insurance. More networking knowledge to relearn. To be fair, I enjoyed the process. All setup on motion detect, I got it all set up nicely.
The car failed it’s MOT. Outer CV boot, washer not working and the bonnet wouldn’t close. Weird. Never had an issue with the bonnet before, despite it being creased. I oiled the latch and hey presto, it closed. Muppets. Looks like the credit cards are going to take a bashing. The quote wasn’t bad at all to be fair and now it’s all done and legal I’m more relaxed. I think I like this car. It stops, it goes round corners (even in the wet!) and is really good on fuel. All of which were problems with the last car.
I got a text from the agency to say I am booked into the induction at the new vaccine centre on Saturday. Nice, about time I got a break. About an hour later, I got another text to say that the original pay rates given were incorrect. The amended list was a lot better. I attended the induction for an hour and a half but I got paid for four hours. ‘This bodes well.’ I thought to myself.
Later that day, I got confirmation of my starting on Monday. Sweet. Like I said, It’s about time we got a break.
Throughout all of this, I never did and still haven’t stopped thinking about My Lady. I’m sick of feeling so damn lonely and despairing. I accepted that this would be with me forever some time ago, but sometimes I just want the whole world to stop so I can get off. Being “Strong” all the time is really f**king boring sometimes… I don’t want to be strong. Of course there are times where I’ve been able to have (many) meltdowns that no one knows about, but still…
Another phase complete then. A new job. Decent money. Lets see what Monday holds…
Everything from now on marks the one year anniversary of our worst nightmare. To be accurate, at around 7pm tonight (26th). I remember it like it was yesterday.
Sat in my car at lunchtime, I’ve kept it together so far apart from one moment. It’s not been a fun day. I’ve kept the maelstrom at bay mostly by talking to my colleagues. In the afternoon, we ran out of work. Too damn efficient. This should have raised alarms bells as I know damn well when this happens, it’s likely the job will end.
The day went quick enough I guess. On the way home I had a cry. A proper cry this time. Hyperventilating, full on grief bawl. A year in and I still don’t know what to call that. It’s been a long time since I hyperventilated like that. Having flashbacks to flashbacks while driving isn’t fun. As soon as I got home, I ran a bath. A Lush bath of course. Once I had scorched myself enough and I smelled divine again, I look at my phone when I get downstairs and I have a text from the agency saying “I’m sorry but today was your last day.”…
Bam! No sooner had I finally been able to relax for the first time in days, I’m in panic attack mode all over again. Today… Of all days. I’m so sick of the constant battering I get since My Lady passed away. Well, it started well before that even, as you know. At this point, I’m firmly in ‘ya boo sucks’ mode that once I had fed my Princeling, I curled up on the sofa to sleep until bedtime. ‘That’s it, I’m checking out.’
The agency said they are working on getting the contract for the soon to open Covid vaccine centre at the local fire station so hopefully I’ll have something for next week. I only had two days this week but I had 2 days leave so at least I got paid. No need for an early night tonight then. I have a beer left from Friday so I’m going to have a chat with my friends and just chill. I’m done with today, it can go away now.
Yet again it’s been while since I’ve posted here. I’ve little energy for anything recently. How new. After having a chat with myself over the job thing, I have relaxed a little. Only thing is, it doesn’t matter how much I tell myself “I’m ok, I’m doing good”, that annoying background anxiety just won’t stop gnawing away at me. I despise it. It’s debilitating when it rises to the surface. I practise CBT on myself most days. “Be nice to yourself.” I’m told. “Tell yourself nice things.” is another. So I do. I try to anyway. I guess it’s no different than what I’m trying to do with my Princeling. I’ve been making an extra effort to make him feel good about himself. College didn’t work out so he could do with a confidence boost.
It’s Precious’ birthday this week. It also happens to be the same day My Lady went into hospital last year. Another anniversary, but this will be the first one year anniversary… One year… ??? … One… Whole… Year…
My heart bleeds for Precious right now. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like for her. Her birthday forever tainted with Mum’s hospitalisation. The mind boggles. I hope she likes the gifts I got her. More than anything, I hope she can have a good enough time to take her mind off it for a while. In her position, I’d want to either sleep the day away and ignore it, or party hard to ignore it. I am not Precious though, and much like My Lady and I, Precious and I are very different. We always were.
I had another batch of papers to sign recently, regarding the investigation into My Lady’s death. It’s so hard to go through. When I’m reading it, I can literally feel a weight pressing down on me. My heart speeds up and I get a burst of adrenalin as my mind is taken back to those two weeks in ICU. I just want the whole process to be over with. I know what happened to My Lady, but was it negligence? Whether it is or not, the fact remains that a drug she was given, for a condition she didn’t have… Killed her. There is simply no getting around that. It’s horrific.
I’ve been struggling with sleep again this last week or so. It takes me days of early nights to catch up on one late night. Friday’s have now become very late. Friday before last I intended to have a power nap and found myself being woken up by my Princeling at 11pm. This Friday, I was going to do the same but set a few alarms on my phone. I dozed for 45 minutes but never actually slept. It was nice to just quieten my mind for a bit, but that ‘bit’ lasted about 5 minutes. The rest of the time I was lying there on the sofa trying not to overthink my life. Still, my body felt rested. Sometimes I find it hard to tell the difference between actually being tired and being so depressed, all I crave is to sleep my life away.
At work this week, I have chilled out somewhat. I had to. I was going to go pop if I kept it up. The product we have been working on is more complex than recently, so a degree of concentration was required, for once. Naturally this makes time fly which always lightens my mood. Low rent job it may be, but there is still satisfaction in being surprised when break/home time comes, turn around and being even more surprised at how much work I’ve done. It seems I put one of the permanent staff to shame all week. Hopefully they will not cause trouble over it. Seems ridiculous but it’s true when I say it would only take one word in the right ear for me to get the boot. Some are fired just because the middle management didn’t like them on a personal level. I don’t see how that works as they don’t make any effort to get to know the temps. There are one or two exceptions to this but it really is like that there. Some are so petty, it’s sickening. Some guy comes along and threatens their pathetic little low rent bubble even though I’m in no danger of usurping them from their job and they know it. I’ve seen it many times. Stuck in their own little EastEnders style soap opera bubble, squawking all day about Corrie, Enders or some other utter shite. It makes my skin crawl.
So, as I said, Friday came at last. After my non nap, I brewed a pot of coffee and said screw it, lets go… After the last Friday UN meeting we were all looking forward to it so much. A lot of us have been struggling with our mental health in some way or another and Friday nights together have been the highlight of the week for most of us.
So after at least nine months of Subs Club being completely argument free, it came. On the one hand a couple of new Subs Club members were being dicks in the live chats. Even being rude to existing members. On the other hand, I had posted a link to an article about Biden assigning a Transgender lady into the White House. He said they were a crazy person and no good for the job. Trouble is, he referred to her as “It”. I obviously pulled him up on it, but he was unrepentant and even tried to justify his position in the same sentence as a (kind of) apology. Refusing to even entertain the thought of educating himself, he stuck to his guns. At that point, I hid the comments and unfriended him. I don’t want that crap on my Facebook wall.
After the tiffs in the live chat Robb asked one of us to sort out a moderator to keep tabs on peoples behaviour in the live streams. He asked us directly, mental. So we voted and sent the names to Robb and we await to see how he wants to play it. We are guessing he will make our selections moderators on his account. How trusting is that? There’s no other way of one of us officially moderating it without access to Robbs account. We discussed this at length in the couple of hours leading up to the pregame subs stream.
It was electric happy hour this time, and Robb and JMac put on the best set I’ve seen in months. Last weeks was amazing to but this one really got me going. Having had a few beers along with the rest of them, the UN meeting on Zoom was basically a drunken laughing attack all night. Last week I hit the pillow at half three and this week it was 2:45.
So, it seems it’s taking me days just to write one post. So be it. If that’s how I work then fine. I have no idea why I worry about the “audience” as I’m not writing this for anyone else. No offence dear reader, but this is not for you, it’s for me. I can’t even believe I’m still doing it. Nearly 44 thousand words in 2020… I’ve not written that many in the last ten years I’d guess! I haven’t looked back at the earlier posts much recently. When I do I get the strangest feelings on top of reliving the feelings I was having back then. I still get the desire to be in my garden on a scorching hot day, tending the garden, all the while, music playing on my garden system. Barbeques almost every day with my Princeling, and hours of guitar practise. I was getting paid, I had a job to go back to that I loved, and although due to lockdown, I couldn’t actually see my people, there was that perverse pleasure and feeling of safety I used to have. It’s surreal now, as I had never felt more unsafe. The very worst thing from my nightmares had come true. That means anything can and will happen. It’s just a case of when.
So it’s Precious’ birthday tomorrow… I wish I could be with her to just give her a hug if nothing else. That’s not going to happen and once we hit tomorrow, it will be constantly on my mind. Two weeks and then the anniversary of My Lady’s passing. Those whole two weeks though. I have them burned into my soul. Every last horrifying second of it. The two families I bonded with in the waiting room while we were all going through genuine trauma. The hug of joy from an old lady who’s husband of fifty years had just pulled through. The day before, they were sure he would not make it through the night. I spent around 3/4 of my time there sharing the waiting room with another family. Friends in trauma. Then, after several hugs of hope and relief, the mother came through the main doors of the ICU ward as I was going in, and just threw her arms around me and said “He’s going to die!”. Over the next two days, one by one, his family came to see him one more time. Each and every one of them gave me a hug and thanked me for the support I had shown their mother/grandmother. Every one of them.
Anyway, as you see, it’s all there. I still have the notepad entries on my phone stating what drug and what quantity was being administered. Every day…
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 