I’m noticing a pattern in my moods recently. Whenever I’m off work I’m more often than not mooching around doing housework, changing things around, doing anything to keep my mind busy and productive. All the while quietly simmering in the background. It’s been getting worse each time. All I wanted to do yesterday was sleep. There was so much I could have done but I did nothing pretty much all day. As I sit here typing, I realise that it’s not so much simmering, as depressed with the odd spurt of grief. It doesn’t help that I’m constantly mentally exhausted all the time. The warehouse job is still tiring but I’m getting fitter now so at least it’s not killing me any more.

This being a single parent is such hard work. No one to help with anything. With a dog, a cat and a teenage son, the house gets dirty so quickly. It’s crazy. I could literally clean all day everyday and I’d still never run out of work. My Princeling is still a kid, just, and I realise now that I’ve been expecting far too much of him for far too long, bless him. Especially given what we’ve been through. It IS up to me to do everything, within reason. That’s what being a single parent means by definition. It’s taken me way too long to accept/understand this.

I checked in on my brother a couple of days ago. It’s was nice to catch up properly. I knew this month was a bad one for him, but the anniversary of our mothers death still caught me by surprise this morning. No idea why. I’m already depressed and the two year anniversary hit me a little harder than expected. Not hugely as my mother and I were estranged for many years before she died, but enough that I feel even more depressed. Another layer to the shit cake of my life. Much like my sister who was also disowned, the lack of answers to a lot of questions will be stuck with us both forever. It’s a very strange feeling. My mother had reached out to me the month before she died. Exactly a month as it happens and it was very reconciliatory in nature. Before I had responded, she was gone…

So I’m sat here as always, at my desktop with thoughts of My Lady, my step mum, my mother in law and my mother all floating around in my depressed mind, along with all the people that suffer as a result of their loss. It’s shit. I know I always come out of these funks, but this feels different. It’s persisting. Not up and down as such, more like bad, then worse then back to bad. Money issues, still no shifts at the Ding, winter coming, and a death anniversary almost every month for the last 3-4 months. Four next month alone. It’s no bloody wonder I’m depressed. I don’t know what to do to pull myself out of it this time though. I’m just sick of this life that was thrust upon me. Don’t bant it. Without the soul food, and of course the better wages of the vaccination centre, I feel quite lost now despite all the positive things going on. If everything works out working at the Ding vaccination centre and I get enough hours, I might be able to relax. A little. Blue sky thinking though, (yeah right) I’d work at the Ding for a few months at least which will give me time to finally nail down what I want to do. Tech or healthcare? I haven’t done anything particularly technical for over a year now, other than at home, breaking and fixing my network. If I could combine the two that would be perfect, however unlikely.

It’s nearly three o’clock and all I’ve done is the washing and washing up. There are more important things to be doing though. In three hours, it will be dark again already, and yet, I’m still sat here pontificating. All the while, wasting time, sharing it with you dear reader. Knowing this isn’t helping, annoyingly. It’s that thing again where you know damn well what you should be doing. You know damn well what the psychology of it all is but are powerless to do anything about it. It’s like constantly arguing with yourself. I still need help.

After I asked for psychotherapy from my GP, I was sent to the iTalk service as the NHS won’t pay for it unless I’ve been referred by a mental heath charity/organisation. The assessment call was positive and and I came away feeling like I might actually be able to get somewhere with my mental health. I was told to expect an email regarding the assessment and we would go from there. I never received the email and when I eventually chased it up, they sent me a printed copy of an email telling me that as I had not responded they had closed my case. What the hell?! They didn’t try to call, text or email. I’m too mentally battered to keep chasing this up. I’ll talk to the GP one more time as he has been awesome throughout this nightmare and only sent me to iTalk as his hands were tied. One last time though. If nothing comes of it, I won’t bother any more. I’ve been on my own throughout this, the worst time in my life and there’s no sign of it changing. There never has been. It’s starting to sink in how truly alone I am. I hardly ever see any of my friends in person and that’s been the case for well over a year.

It’s strange you know, feeling so alone but also knowing that I don’t want anyone “running” my life for me ever again. Whatever happens, I have to figure all of this out on my own. No one else can. My people mean well and no doubt a lot of their advice is valid, but I almost feel like they know me less and less each time. A symptom of hardly seeing each other I guess. Checking in on my brother was a first step to changing this. I need to make more effort with everyone. It’s hard, not because I don’t care, because I do, deeply but I’ve got used to my own company. 99% of the conversations I have are either with myself, the dickheads at work or my Headcase family. It’s not like I don’t talk to my people at all, just not very often any more. No one in particular… Just everyone. How can I expect anyone to keeping checking in on me if I never do the same? Simple. I can’t.

Does this mean I’m a bad person? I don’t know, but it does mean I’m a bad friend, that’s for sure. I’ve kind of always been like that thinking about it. I wonder why? Several people I feel close to don’t hear from me from one month to the next. Harsh. Another conundrum that motivated me to ask for a Psychiatrist. I mean, wtf is wrong with me?

3:37 now and I haven’t moved from my desktop. Think I’ll take Mr C for a walk. Can’t continue yesterdays vibe.

Later friends. x

Well, I’ve refused to believe it until now but having just completed my induction for the Ding vaccination centre, I’m so close to starting now.

On the way to the Ding, I was thinking about my former colleagues and wondering who I might bump into. As soon as I got in the room I found two of them at the same induction. NOW I’m getting excited about it. In fact, sat here in Burger King afterwards writing this drivel, I’m a little emotional about it too. Makes a bloody change to be emotional about something positive.

So my position will be vaccinator admin. I think I’m going to love this new role. At the fire station, I never really worked indoors. I’ll be sat next to the vaccinator while they vaccinate people. Very different, but the same in many ways. The only hiccup was the system wouldn’t let me confirm my new NHS email account. Shouldn’t be a problem I’m told. I’m just relieved it’s finally moving forward.

Nothing for me to do about that for now so I’ll chill on the sofa for a bit. Maybe even have a short nap. 😉

It’s Friday. I’ve had three days off this week. All three of them I spent manically cleaning and rearranging, interspersed with the odd mini meltdown. All three days I’ve had at least one hoodie nap during the day. This depression, it’s fluctuating wildly. This morning I feel ok. Yesterday I was down, really down. I put the mask on as usual but the cracks are starting to appear. Work husband knew, despite my attempt at the “I’m fine” face.

Mr Grump actually engaged with me this morning. Wow. I remember over hearing one of the managers saying that he needs to sort himself out. Well, it seems he’s trying at least.

I was sent a time sheet for the vaccination centre job at the Ding yesterday. I also completed my Anaphylaxis course. That wasn’t fun, given that My Lady passed away from Anaphylaxis, but it’s done now. My Princeling said nothing when he saw what I was doing and just gave a me a hug and said good luck. I love him so much. It seems it’s on, I just need to know what hours I’m getting. Might need a second job if it’s not full time. I also received my enhanced DBS certificate too. Seems crazy to do all this training and so on if there were no shifts for me. It’s given me some hope of getting out of this warehouse job soon. Fortunately, now I know how much I’m getting, it’s not as dire as I thought. Things are still hard but it could be a lot worse.

Today I feel somewhat better, thank the gods. I didn’t even get to sleep as early as I wanted. Waking up was horrific, but once I’m up I’m usually ok. Eating properly helps. I’ve not been eating well at home recently. Of course I make sure my Princeling is well fed and watered. I’ve not let him see my eating habits. I’d rather he ate than I did. I remember my Dad doing the same when we were particularly poor. Only he didn’t realise that I knew, bless him. I always knew.

My Princeling got his first pay today. Good on him. He put the money he borrowed back into my bank before I even knew.

It’s Saturday morning. No happy hour last night so I got to see my headcase family for a few hours on Zoom. I needed it. I went to bed before midnight, but I’m still knackered. I hate working Saturdays. I have done ever since I started hanging around on zoom. At the vaccination centre here, there were plenty of hours available so I could keep Saturday mornings free most weeks. Even that dried up as I had to work in the end anyway.

I can’t wait to start at the Ding vaccination centre. I’ll even be able to meet some former colleagues and volunteers from the fire station centre. My first shift is going to be such a happy day. They still won’t tell me if I’m likely to get full time hours though. I really don’t want to have to get a second job. That would suck big time.

Sat in my car at lunchtime now. The sun is shining, it’s lovely and warm. What are the odds that come Monday and Tuesday, when I’m off, it’ll be pissing down with rain?

Sunday now. I got a decent nights sleep for once. I still hate waking up at 6am though. Sunday’s at work are usually quite chilled. We have four people today, so anything we have to do will get smashed out. Sunday is also my Friday as it were. My weekend is Monday and Tuesday. No doubt I’ll dive back in to manically cleaning and rearranging stuff. I should do some gardening too. Hopefully it’ll be dry. The garden has gone mad this summer. Clearly I did well last year. It’s nearly time to put it all to bed for the winter.

Lunchtime and it’s warm and sunny again. I hate winter now. It just bums me right out.

My Bluetooth headphones finally gave the battery low warning. I’ve been using them for days on one charge. £16.99 at Lidl in the middle. Bloody bargain. They even sound ok.

So, it’s now Sunday evening. My Friday night. I’ve had a few drinks and I’m nice and mellow, finally. I’m listening to 80’s covers done by metal bands. It’s great. You wouldn’t believe how many classic 80’s songs work when you rock them up. Careless Whisper by Seether, Ordinary World by Red to name but two.

Tuesday now. I spent most of yesterday pontificating about what to do. How new. Mooching around the house getting bugger all done all day. Actually, I lie. I collected up the dirty clothes and hoovered upstairs. Whoop di doo. I’m up and down like a bloody yoyo. I got up quite early today, so I forced myself to go out and get some shopping. The cupboards and fridge were looking very bare. Another depressing povo shop. As depressing as hunting down the cheapest everything is, I did manage to say no to myself repeatedly as I mooched around the isles. For once. That wasn’t fun, but when I went to the Ham shops, Tesco had the first Christmas lines out. I’ve been simmering all day and that triggered me. I kept it together just about and got out of there as quick as possible.

Flashbacks… As I walk to the car, I remember the first time I went to the shops after My Lady died. Intense. I was grimly determined not to have a full on meltdown but every now and then I still had the odd tear rolling down my face. We must have come here together thousands of times in the over ten years we’ve lived here. Every single time I come into the ham on the way home, I’m triggered to one degree or another. The same route, no matter where we came from.

I have my induction for the vaccination centre job at the Ding in the morning. I can’t wait. Damn it, I wish I could get excited about it though. I’m so down about everything else, it’s just not kicking in. I’ve been fighting the urge to nap all day… Again.

Another urge I’m trying to curb is the urge to drink. I rarely get drunk, but it’s not uncommon to have the odd John Smiths of an evening. For months, there’s rarely been a time where there wasn’t at least one beer sat in the fridge. Since when do I have alcohol constantly available to me at home? Oh… Wait. What was I thinking?… Regardless, it’s obvious that I’m just trying to self medicate. With alcohol? Muppet. It has to stop or at least be a rare event like it used to be. I’ve drunk more alcohol in the last 18 months than in several years. I’ve always had an addictive nature. I’m even struggling to cut down on my sugar intake which is stupidly high. (He says with a can of Monster on the desk.) I dread to think what I would end up like if I didn’t have to work. I already have several addictions. Smoking, coffee, chocolate, energy drinks, and probably more that I can’t think of right now. I might have got a clean bill of health on various levels over the last year or so, but the way I’m going, it won’t stay like that.

Tuesday evening now. Time to start prepping for tomorrow’s induction. Fingers crossed I can shake off this downer before it. Or at least make my mask convincing like I used to at the fire station. I miss that so much. I knew I missed the job but this downer over it ending is way deeper, and is lasting way longer than I expected. I wonder if any of my former colleagues feel the same? Maybe I should check in on a few of them. Some of them were struggling with their mental health as it is…

It’s Tuesday, my “Sunday” as it were. On Friday, I noticed that some of the ceiling plaster had fallen on the floor in the downstairs toilet which is under the bath upstairs. It has been flaky for some time so I wasn’t that concerned. Randomly, I decided to actually have a look at it. It was damp. Oh shit…

My Princeling had over filled the bath recently, but had assured me that it wasn’t by too much. The bathroom is old and knackered and the shower drips puddles to the side of the bath too. The problem was I didn’t realise that the flooring had come away from the bath and wall, so the water would have gone through to downstairs. I poked the ceiling a few times and lots of the plaster just fell away. Great. So that clears up what I’m doing for the next two days. So much for enjoying my ‘weekend’. It’s also going to be yet another hit on the finances I could do without.

So, I clear out the downstairs toilet and scrub the whole thing down, top to bottom. I scraped way the remaining loose plaster and there looks to be a lot of work there. Once that was done, I went upstairs to assess what I needed to do. Looking closely at it, it was obvious. The whole corner needed lifting, scrubbing and resealing. Out with the super glue and silicone. By all accounts, it went quite well. The floor is stuck down properly and the first sealant layer applied. I roasted the whole area with the hair dryer throughout which helped no end. All the while, I’m thinking about the last time My Lady and I attacked the bathroom. It was only a month or so before she passed away. I remember it well. Phase one complete then, allow it to dry properly and then have at it again tomorrow.

I’ve been in a strange head space over the last few weeks. I feel the need to change things at home. To this day, I’ve kept almost everything exactly how it was the very last time My Lady left the house. Before you know it, it will have been two years. How long should I leave it? I’ve only just removed My Lady’s shoes from the shoe rack in the hallway yesterday. It was all filthy. After 20 months of not being touched once, it’s not surprising. I also finally moved the broken fridge from the outhouse. It’s been out there since it was replaced 10 months ago. I guess I’m tired of living in a (dirty) memorial to the gaping whole in our lives. There’s no way I could ever change everything though. This home will always be My Lady’s home too, and there’s no reason that should change. Too much anyway. I still want her touch on the house. I want to see her face on the walls, her paintings, her treasured ornaments and so on. I always will. I’m struggling to figure out what exactly I’m trying to do. Maybe I just need to look after the house after all this time. It’s grim, how dirty things can get when they’re not touched for over a year and a half. The little corners that get over looked when I’m trying to get over the depression enough to do housework. Ew. ‘Nuff now. I can’t fix it all overnight but I can’t continue like this…

Yesterday was a weird one. I had two visits in one day. My dear friend and adopted brother popped in after work. Not long after that my good friend and fellow guitarist arrived for an evenings socialising. “Socialising”. The very words meaning has changed now. The proper socials we used to have feel like a long and distant memory now. An unattainable fantasy even. For the last two summers, I’ve been dreaming of a summer stay over. Beer, barbeque, chilled music on the garden system and everyone sat together next to the bonfire, stargazing and chatting nonsense until dawn. My closest fiends… I miss them, lots.

I had a thoroughly pleasant evening for once. As ever, we talked at length about the finer points of drop tunings and exchanged weird and wonderful (and cheesy) songs on Spotify. We noodled around on the guitars for most of the evening, by the end of which I was pleasantly tipsy and I only had the one John Smiths. It yet again reminds me how rare these kind of evenings are now and that, for me, was quite the party. Going back to “normal” after he left was quite depressing, surprisingly. Depression… I wish it would just f**k off now. It twists and turns like a… Twisty turny thing. First I get the downer of the vaccination centre closing, then I get the downer of buying into Mr Grumps bullshit, quite aside from it being yet another shitty low rent, low paid job. Money isn’t looking great at the moment either. These few weeks were always going to be hard financially. The future is so uncertain. Again. I hate it. Yet another downer sapping at my soul. I’ll pull out of it, I always do, but I’m mentally exhausted 24/7. I’m starting to feel control of my life slipping through my fingers a little. Can’t let that happen. Not now, not ever. It’s so hard keeping going when you feel so weak and pathetic. With my Princeling out at work the last two evenings, I’ve had a hoodie nap both afternoons. Oh poor depressed me. Ugh.

Work Husband was supposed to be getting married tomorrow. His niece who lives with them tested positive for Covid. When will this crap ever end? He’s already sick with something so I hope it doesn’t get worse. I still don’t understand how most people have gone back to “normal” like Covid has gone away. Around 35k new cases everyday still, but apparently that’s not an issue any more. I’d say less than half the people I see in the supermarket are wearing masks. Even the staff, when there is a sign on the entrance asking people to wear masks.

I completed phase two of the bathroom. God knows what it will be like if I have to redo it any time soon. Superglue and all. I’m determined that bastard thing doesn’t leak. Once I confirm the bathroom is good, then phase three is the downstairs ceiling. I’ll need spray sealant, filler and paint for that. Yet more expense.

Tuesday evening: Despite all the progress on the house, I’m as depressed as before. Ugh. Post depression depression. I’m going to bed.

Well, it’s Sunday. I’ve been working in a bread warehouse since Tuesday. The weekday guy is the most miserable, bitter old goat. Constantly sighing and puffing every time something isn’t done quite right. And by done quite right, I mean if you hadn’t used a bloody set square to line up these precious bread stacks. He genuinely doesn’t appear give a damn about anyone or anything other than his bread and clearly resents having to train new people. No doubt he has his reasons for being so damn miserable, but having worked with five others doing exactly the same thing, it was quite a shock. Not only that, I have reached a point in my life where I realise that I don’t have to take bullshit from ANYONE. One of the things that made me so good at the vaccination centre (I’m told) was how I would take on board patients vibes so well. It was an advantage there. Here however, I took the guy’s vibe on too. Most definitely a disadvantage. I was almost ready to walk out. The whole process with the others was almost pleasant. Since February 1st, I was lucky enough to genuinely like and respect every one of my colleagues at the vaccination centre. A very rare thing indeed. In fact, I’ve never been in such a position in my life.

Like I said… Spoiled rotten.

Physically, this job has been killing me so far. I’m still pretty weak from all the weight I lost last year. I was dangerously underweight, almost skeletal. Today isn’t so bad but it’s quiet. I have Monday and Tuesday off. My Princeling has finally got himself a job. Ironically, in a warehouse too. I am planning on dropping him off and picking him up, but I have one litre of fuel left. Everyone has been panic buying fuel due to the delivery driver shortage. Prices are going up too. I’ll have to queue up for god knows how long on the way home. Fingers crossed they haven’t ran dry by then or I might on the way home. It’s just like the toilet roll situation when the first lockdown was coming. People are so selfish.

I’m still waiting to hear back about the Ding vaccination centre job. I’ll need a lot more fuel ironically, but the wages should be more than good enough to cover that. Assuming I get full time hours that is.

I’m sat in the smoking shelter, and the biggest rat I have ever seen comes scurrying past me. Gross. Much like the rest of this place. The toilets have built up grime all around the hand dryer, walls, around the sink and everything. I even took a photo. Part of me wants to report them to the HSE. Obviously that would be stupid while I’m working here.

So now it’s Wednesday. I’m back at work. After the meltdowns of the last few days, I have made an attitude adjustment. I had to. I’d go crazy otherwise. I was going crazy. Mr dear friend and adopted brother came round after work yesterday. I was pathetically grateful for the visit. He is always a good one to talk to about work related stresses. He always was.

I asked Mr Grump if he was ok when I saw him his morning. I’m not having it any more. Two can play at passive aggressive. He doesn’t stand a chance on that level. I’m not causing trouble. Quite the opposite. Just as I’m typing this , he comes out to the smoking shelter. Well blow me, he smiled.

Omg he’s a tiktok fiend. Of course he is. Probably the only humour in his life. If you can call that humour. I feel so much better today. I’m brushing off his huffing and puffing quite easily for now. Thank the gods I’m not still in meltdown mode. If I was, I’d have ripped him a new one by now. I have my Bluetooth headphones today. That’s making a huge difference even if it is in one ear. Lets see how this job goes…

So we only have today and tomorrow left at the vaccination centre. There is definitely an air of sadness around. So many volunteers and staff have different last shifts, so it’s an almost daily goodbye to someone. I’m going to be very sad to see the end of it all. My colleagues, the volunteers, clinical, and yes, I’ll even miss Joe public.

As per usual, I started this post sometime ago. It’s now precisely a week later. The vaccination centre has closed, we have said our farewell’s, had our party’s (and hangovers) and now it’s done. We had one last day at the fire station to finish packing up and setting up for the volunteers buffet party. My boss chose a select few of us for that day, (it was paid) and we were all very grateful, not only for the extra pay, but for one last hurrah before it truly ended. It was nice to be chosen for the day. I got the feeling we were our bosses “Dream Team” as it were. We were certainly the people who got the most positive feedback, both from patients, staff and management.

But, it’s all over now. All the marquee’s are gone and there’s not much sign we were ever there, other than the worn away patch of grass on the car park corner. I wonder how long it will take to grow back?

I have been intensively job hunting for weeks now and finally I’m getting some decent leads coming though. In fact so many, I’ll be letting someone down at some point. Is what it is. It’s looking promising for the position at the Ding vaccination centre. Just waiting for October’s rota to see if I’ll be getting a full time wage. If not, I’ll be going for other part time work as well. Simply no choice if I’m to pay my bills.

This weekend is my birthday. Since I lost My Lady, I really couldn’t give a damn about it. In fact I actively avoid it. She isn’t here to celebrate it with me. 47… It’s so weird. My Lady will forever be forty. She was five years younger than me. We always said she was my younger model. My upgrade. 😞

Given it’s my birthday weekend, I sent Robb Flynn a DM on Instagram to request he play “Behind a mask” during the Friday happy hour show. To my surprise, he replied not long after to say no problem. Legend.

Friday at last. Not only was I looking forward to the usual Happy Hour and Zoom after party, but my new friend and colleague from the vaccination centre was taking me out for the day for a birthday treat. We made a connection as we both are motorsport nuts. After a month or two of knowing him, he opened up a bit about his life. Lets just say he moved in very high circles in Formula One. Logically I had assumed it would be driving related, whatever it was. His son is a karting champion so it could have been that. He also has one or two very expensive cars. So we meet up and I jump in his car and we head off. To Thruxton as it turned out. He presented me with a pair of brand new Sparco race shoes and a pass for a driving day. Wow. I know my friend is comfortably off, but I know full well how much these driving days cost AND the shoes AND the food. I said I couldn’t so many times…

So I go to the briefing. Tiff Needell usually does the briefing, but he is at the Goodwood revival meeting. First, an instructor takes you out in a Ford Focus for orientation, lines, braking points etc. Then I got to drive a Porsche Cayman with an instructor by my side. That was an eye opener. The best score of the day with the Porsche was 79% and mine was 74%. Not bad, bearing in mind I’ve never driven a genuinely fast car in my life. I was so focussed on driving, I was so focussed, I hadn’t looked at the speedometer once, so I asked what our top speed was. Around 110mph was the answer. That’s the fastest I’ve ever driven. After the Porsche, I had a passenger ride in a Focus ST driven by the instructor on the limit. Much fun.

Next came the thing I was REALLY looking forward to. The Formula Renault single seater. My friend had also paid for the 360 degree video recording of the drive. Crazy.

So today is Sunday. My not so happy birthday. I’m now 47. I’m really not interested and I’ve been distracting myself all day. It’s the second one without My Lady. I hate it. I’ve kept quiet about it leading up to it and found it notable how few people remembered. This isn’t a poor me vibe, far from it. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I just found it interesting that it reinforced that I am truly alone on this journey, not only into a new life that I don’t want, but conversely the new person I am becoming that I do want. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the old me is dead. I barely recognise him now, and certainly don’t like him. I’ve had to change to survive, My Lady did almost everything. Now there’s only me looking after My Lady’s son, my Princeling, Mr C, our first fur baby and Mr T, My Lady’s “grief cat” from when her mum died a couple of years ago. I don’t know why this birthday is worse. I’ve been simmering all day but only now it’s the evening am I crying. If only I could have been the new me when she was still here, she would have loved it. I’d have swept her off her feet all over again. But of course, if I hadn’t lost her… I’m sure some will know the drill on that one. “What if?” It was a strange day anyway, my having a trial shift in Lush today and My Lady loved Lush. I’m just devastated all over again tonight.

Work husband dropped everything this afternoon and came round with his partner and brother along with some KFC, despite having his own problems to deal with, bless him. The guy is a legend and the only one of my “real life” people I’m in semi daily contact with. Yep… Just one person. It was so good to see him. In fact it was great to have anyone around, let alone three people at once. That was weird at first. It emphasised how little I have any adult company at home. Weeks, sometimes even months can go by without my seeing anyone at home. I’ve spent more time with my Princeling and his friends than anyone else. Not counting colleagues of course. To be fair, I can hardly judge, (not that I am) as I make little effort to visit anyone myself. With all these lock downs and so on, society has for the most part got used to not thinking about visiting people indoors. I certainly have. I’ve got used to my own company and I know from experience that it doesn’t matter how much love there is, you can lose anyone in an instant. My mind protects itself by trying to avoid close relationships of any kind.

Detachment…

It works, however miserable and lonely it makes one. I can’t get hurt too much this way. Of course, this makes me such a crap friend. I can’t imagine what they think of me, despite the trauma of the last 19 months. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever stop having to do life on my own. I’m still winging it. So far I haven’t done an awful job of it. There have been the odd financial blips of course, like when a job ended for example, but the bills have been paid despite my increased debt. Still, we were in the same boat this time last year. We survived that, we can do it again. It seems I still have many lessons to learn about running our life before the Cosmos , arse that it is, allows me some peace. Am I going to have to deal with this much mental load for the rest of my life? I feel brain tired so often.

Now it’s Monday. The sun is shining and I awoke quite motivated. The house is a mess from going through the loft and the Harry Potter cupboard. I had guessed the whole process would be somewhat cathartic. I’d hoped so in fact, as I feel another big change in headset coming. Enough of living in a time bubble. I don’t need to leave EVERYTHING exactly how My Lady left it, much as I want to. I don’t even feel the need to change that much anyway. Even My Lady’s shoes are still in the shoe rack, exactly where she left them the day she was admitted to hospital, 19 months ago. The outhouse is a goat explosion too. I say outhouse, it’s actually a cheap garden room that the previous tenants had put up. We have always stored the tools and gardening stuff out there. Even the broken fridge from last year is still out there. Absolutely ridiculous. I could easily say, ‘Oh I haven’t had time, work sleep etc. ‘ but I’d be lying. Yes I’ve worked my arse off all year but it’s no excuse.

I need to thin out my possessions. After losing My Lady, I see no need to cling on to my oldest things. There is so much I could bin or give away. I’ll be giving all my old RC stuff to my son. He randomly got in touch for the first time in years this year. He has purchased the very same F1 RC car I used to race every weekend so I told him he could have the lot. Aside from the cost in fuel, I need to get my head around going to the Mouth at all. For some reason, the thought of it is a bit of a trigger, again. No idea why.

I found very ironic that both of my estranged children from Ms Poison had contacted me out of the blue after My Lady’s passing. It would be easy to read something into the timing of it. You could be right, you could be wrong. I don’t think it matters at this point. It’s just such a shame. My Lady loved those two and was hurt so much when we couldn’t see them any more. She never got to see my first grandchild either.

All the work and no reward. All the good My Lady did. All the people she touched and helped have a better life. As I mentioned before, we were practising Pagans when we had just got together. Cosmos? I have only one thing to say the the Cosmos…

Fuck you!

It’s Sunday. A ‘proper’ Sunday. This is the first whole weekend I have had off in months. I’m sat in my garden with my last beer as the sun dips below my neighbours house. I’ve hoovered the lawn and weeded the crescent moon bed. I’m playing that yoga meditation music again. Ugh, I’m getting flashbacks to last summer. I’m starting to think I always will in this setting. The flashbacks aren’t too traumatic this time but I feel so damn lonely. It’s been over eighteen months now and it feels like an eternity. Waves of denial still wash over me every now and then. I just need a hug. The hug I can never have…

Today, I’ve not only done some garden bits, but I waded through the housework I hadn’t done for the last few days. Quite aside from the usual annoyance at not being able to break the cycle, I need distraction today. I’ve done a mountain of washing, washing up, dusting, polishing etc etc. I’m running out of steam now. One more load of washing and then I’ll stop.

We had another Zoom meeting last night. (Saturday) Just a handful of us chilling and shooting the breeze. Friday, I had purchased a very cheap bottle of whiskey for the Happy Hour. Obviously I had plenty left, so I decided to have a few drinks and make merry. As there were so few of us, we all opened up a little more than usual. I love these impromptu Zoom’s, it’s usually the same handful of suspects that are there. I eventually went to bed, very drunk, at around half five in the morning.

Now I’ve been sitting in the garden for a while, I’m starting to feel really tired. Time to sort the last load of washing. I’ll never get around to it otherwise and I hate the smell of damp clothes. Been there, done that.

I might pick this up later…

So it’s now Monday, and I’ve been sweating all day in 30c+ degrees. Normally I don’t have an issue with the heat, but today I’m struggling. Of course, it doesn’t help that I’m wearing jeans. We are all mostly taking about the party being held the day after we close. A lot of us are getting quite excited at the prospect of not having to be professional any more.

I’ve tried my nice shoes on last night and they fit very nicely. Just as well as I’ve had them for over a year and not worn them once. That was a full on grief spend I made last summer.

It looks like I must have gone on about my beautiful blue suit to lots of people. They are also talking about it among themselves too. People keep saying that they have heard about my suit. Knowing my luck, it will be way too hot to wear the jacket. Well, I’m taking it anyway regardless of the hot forecast. I don’t know why, but I want to impress when I turn up at the party. ‘Tis weird, as I can’t think of anyone I want to impress. Even if I did impress someone/anyone, what would be the point? This is, of course, all ego massaging, but I’m ok with that. I’m sick and tired of feeling useless/worthless/ugly. After the reactions I’ve been getting since I dyed my hair, I quite like the idea of impressing with my appearance. That’s new. More hubris no doubt.

It will be interesting to see who I end up keeping as friends from the team. it’ll also be interesting to see if anyone wants to keep me. I’m guessing a lot of boundaries will be lowered at some point in the proceedings, so who knows. Let the frivolities commence.

Well, it seems I always start my blog post’s when I’m on the car park position. It seems to be the only time at work that I can truly relax and reflect. I think I need to go out more. Just spent some time in the woods with Mr C. It would be good for both of us.

Mr C and I went for a trundle this morning. I sent a couple of pairs of clams to Mr & Mr’s Dungeon master while I was out. I meant to send them weeks ago.

I scanned through the list of blog posts from this time last year just now. I’m in almost exactly the same situation re job hunting. Almost to the day. I’m constantly sending emails and making calls now. I’m running out of time… Again.

Friday has come again at last. My sleeping pattern is shifting the wrong way. I was watching a bit of Time Team on YouTube in bed last night and before I knew it, it was nearly 4am!

The background anxiety is back again. I have an ocean waves meditation track on repeat again too. There’s all sorts going on right now. I’m worried about Ms Catharsis. She lives in a town in California that has a wildfire evacuation order in place. Her car is packed and they are ready to leave. Her ex has already evacuated. She can see the fire in the mountains from her drive. It’s intense and I’m keeping an eye on the fire update page. Fingers crossed she doesn’t have to bail, but it’s not looking good.

Yesterday, I decided to dispose of the detritus from the tree my Princeling destroyed. Even breaking it all up was a little upsetting. A beer and a couple of very strong JD and cokes sorted that out. Once the fire was going well, I sat staring at the flames in a trance, chain smoking myself silly. By the end I was pretty drunk. Just to top it all off, I dropped my tobacco in the fire. Oh ffs… That’s another twenty quid wasted. Along with myself.

At that point I was so done with life. So much for the emotional catharsis I was hoping for. When I first started the fire, it felt good, soul food as it were.

I got through it all quite quickly but still ended up having to put it out with buckets of water. It’s wasn’t even late when I finished. Thoroughly pissed off by then, I put myself to bed and watched some more Time Team. Much as I like the show, it’s also a comfort that goes back some time. My step-mother used to love the show, and when she passed away, my Dad and I regularly watched it at bedtime. I had no idea he did it too until I stayed at his place for a few days after her passing.

Called the agency dealing with the Ding vaccination centre this morning. Left a message and I’m expecting a call back at some point. Fingers crossed.

Sat in Costa now, bashing out more of this drivel again while I wait for my appointment at the hair salon. I’m really getting into looking after myself finally. Precious’ art exhibition was the first time I’ve dressed smart since my first day at that disgusting Covid infested factory. When I saw the photos afterwards, I was surprised to see that I looked alright. Shirt fits better, as do the trousers. I’ll be wearing the beautiful blue embroidered suit My Lady gave me to the work party. I wonder how well it will fit me now? Having had another look at the photos from my dear friends and adopted siblings wedding, I actually forgot how good it looked. Even the well to do people at their wedding kept saying how amazing the suit was. High praise indeed.

Oh well, ten minutes til my appointment. Quick cigarette then beforehand.

Laters friends x

It seems many people at work feel safe to confide in me. I’ve had several people over the last few weeks talk to me about some beef or another they have had with a colleague. Unfortunately for me, I like and respect both parties in all cases. It’s lovely they feel safe enough to share but I really don’t want to be piggy in the middle. I want to be a good friend to all. Can’t please them all though.

It is of course very flattering that they all feel safe enough to open up to me. Where, if anywhere, that leads I don’t know. More often than not, it’s the young lady’s that seem to share more than anyone else. Go figure. When I was younger, I would have totally misread the situation. That would have ended up so awkward! One thing I have consistently found during my life is that I’ve always been considered a friendly, likeable chap. So why I find this significant, I’m not sure. Maybe it’s just the frequency ramping up recently. It’s not as if I spend a lot of time socialising with new people. I’m not sure I’d even know where to start when it comes to meeting new people.

Just had my break and I’m sat on the car park again. As much as I’m feeling stronger today, every moment not spent talking to patients and colleagues has me constantly thinking about how much I miss My Lady today. Over eighteen months since her passing, it still doesn’t feel real. I still haven’t touched any of her stuff. Apart from a tapestry I purchased last year, our bedroom is exactly how she left it. Her wardrobe is untouched and I have no intention of doing anything about it any time soon. Still can’t think of a good reason to tackle her clothes and so on. Even the shoe rack by the front door still has all of My Lady’s shoes in there, exactly how she left them. The only motivation to do anything about it is that Precious will always find it hard coming home to see her mothers stuff how she left it. My dear friend and adopted sister feels the same. It’s one reason she finds it really hard to come to ours.

I think I’ll tackle the shoes this week. Maybe even tonight. If only to make it easier when either of them come to visit. I still wonder how long I’ll leave My Lady’s things before I HAVE to deal with them, and yet, at the same time, I have no NEED to do anything with it at all. Yet another contradiction to my collection. How long is long enough/too long? The thought of taking her clothes out of the wardrobe and doing something with them still feels like a betrayal of sorts. Maybe it will be years, who knows? In the first month, Precious suggested making patchwork blankets from My Lady’s clothes. A lovely idea but that would surely horrifically traumatic for her. She would do an amazing job of it, but at what cost?

Sat in my car on my last break. I must have got enough sleep last night as I still feel ok. Makes a change. Just as well on a thirteen hour shift. I’ll have to go to bed shortly after I get home again tonight. Early finish tomorrow, so I’ll have the time to chase up job applications and so on.

So much for an early night… It’s eleven pm…

When My Lady and I met, we had both been through hell in our previous relationships. It was one of the many levels we connected on. We had both had enough of the bullshit from toxic people in general.

One of the subsclub in Europe and one in California had got into a relationship together over the course of the last year. At first they wanted to keep it a secret. Can’t say I blame them. The guy in Europe (No need to name them) had gone through a hellish split some time ago and much like a lot of the group, is emotionally vulnerable. Long story short, all of a sudden he started DM’ing people complaining that his girlfriend wasn’t getting enough attention in the happy hour streams on twitch. “You’re not even liking her posts” was one. Say what now? Are you kidding me?

While all this was going on, his girlfriend had been systematically trying to remove all female influences from his life. Once it all came out, it was obvious to a lot of us that it had quickly become an abusive relationship. Controlling, insanely jealous and attacking anyone who challenged her behaviour. Some of us are old hats at this shit, as I mentioned before. It turns out that several members were dragged into the situation behind the scenes. Once it all came out and everyone knew what had been going on, we all tried to discuss it with them but they threw abuse into the group chat and when she didn’t manage to manipulate anyone to her side, she left the group with one last parting shot. He also left at the same time.

You may wonder why I’m blogging about this. Quite aside from it being the first big blow up in the group in all the time we’ve known each other, but the timing of it…

I had been thinking a lot about whether to/how to reply to the message Ms poison sent me the other week recently. The vibe in the group served to remind me to keep my guard up. Ok, it’s been 15 years with only a handful of interactions, and we all know people can change a lot in 15 years and it’s more than possible that she isn’t the nightmare she used to be and could have learned some good lessons along the way, but there’s a good reason I haven’t had her in my life. When I replied, she came back with a polite, respectful, even grateful message… Surreal.

We exchange a few messages and even then, she kept expressing thanks and gratitude for my replying at all and for being reasonable. Probably the only thing we have agreed on in the last fifteen years, is that we were both pleasantly surprised and a little relieved that the conversation was so chilled out. It took me weeks to figure out what I wanted to say, if anything at all.

It’s probably a good thing to be reminded of past lessons without making the same mistakes again. You could call it a training update I suppose. The timing though…

So now it’s bank holiday Monday and I’m on a 13 hour shift today. Sunday pay rate too. I actually got to bed before ten pm last night. I was going to watch the highlights of the Belgian Grand Prix but it was rained off. Shame, as any race at Spa in the rain is spectacular. Still, it meant I could sleep earlier.

For some reason, I feel emotionally stronger today. I’ve no idea why as I have less than two weeks to find a job. It’s still not looking great. I guess the message from Ms Poison threw me a little more than I realised. I guess I’ll finish this here. No point waffling for the sake of it… Oh wait…

Sat on the car park corner again. Sunny Sunday afternoon, chilled tunes playing quietly. Could be worse. A lot worse.

This week I have no morning starts at all. Should be interesting to see what happens to my sleeping pattern. There was no Zoom meeting last night but I still stayed up til gone two in the morning chatting with my headcase friends. It would be tempting to let myself slip into a kind of night shift just so I can spend longer with my headcases.

I think it’s time I got back to my music. I’ve not recorded anything for weeks, if not months. The headcase musicians seem to have no intention of finishing the track we started so I think I’ll just do it myself. Such a great idea and if everyone involved was as into it, we would probably be on our second track by now. Maybe I should just put some ideas together and ping them at the guys who ARE interested. It’s pointless me nagging the others in the group chat, clearly they are too busy/not interested enough. That’s fine, I just wish they would own it and say they won’t get around to it. I need to get composing drum tracks too. I shelled out for the full version of EZ drummer last year and have not even come close to making full use of it. It’s a really powerful bit of software and the drum sounds are very realistic. You can even edit the velocity of the hits to make it sound more human. Writing this always make me think and gives me ideas. That’s a great one. Let’s see what I can come up with.

It’s now Monday. I start work at lunchtime. My Princeling and I were discussing how My Lady’s favourite Magnolia tree needed cutting back. I’m at work around half an hour and he sends me a pic of the tree. He has cut it back to a trunk. I’m fuming and apparently I’m supposed to be grateful! How am I supposed to make him understand why I am so sentimental about these things. He doesn’t understand and thinks I’m being irrational sometimes. Even if I am, it doesn’t make it ok to just destroy something because it inconvenienced him. Which is the real reason he did it. Not a single branch or leaf left on it. Absolutely fuming…

So I have a little vent in the headcase group and all I get back (from one of them) is “He’s just a kid”. That’s as maybe but it doesn’t change how much it hurt to see just a broken trunk left of it. Headcase family or not, I won’t be told how to parent by someone less than half my age who has no clue about our life or had any kids of their own.

I’m having my break on site for once. I’m so upset about the tree. Overly so. Why can’t things be done how I ask. It’s not as if I was overbearing about it.

Whatever. Moving on…

Time is running out to find a job. Once I can secure something for the next few months, it’s full on to try and get a career position. No idea what though just yet. The logical step would be to go back into a tech support role, or at least something technical anyway. I’m in that horrible limbo again. I’m bloody sick of it. One way or another, the last eighteen months have been so uncertain and along with the randomness of the different roles I’ve been in, I’m in exactly the same position I was this time last year. I simply want a permanent, secure position. I don’t even care what at the moment. I need as much stability in my life as possible so I have one less thing to worry about. Ok, we’ve got through the last eighteen months without disappearing up our own financial ass as it were, but that won’t last. My Bereavment allowance stopped this month. The timing is shit. It stops the same time as my job. Ugh… I guess this is all part of the stress of being a newly single parent in a formerly middle class family.

I was spoiled by the tech job. I didn’t even entertain the thought of my losing my job when I was there. I’d give my right arm for a year or two’s employment stability. ANY stability for that matter. How I’m supposed to achieve that with my fucked up headspace, I’ll never know.

I’m still hearing “You’re doing so well.”…. “She would be so proud.”. Get f***ed… As if anyone has a clue how I’m doing, or how proud My Lady would or would not have been. They never did. Not really. Not… One… Not a single person in this world knows all of it and it will stay that way. As if I’d tell anyone if I wasn’t coping or having a major breakdown or even thinking about self harming, and I’ve been through more than a few phases of that. And only one person knew about one of them. If/when I ever feel that again, no one will find out about it. Hardly going to help anyone else’s mental health worrying about me. I’m ok for now but the fact it even popped in my head says a lot. No way I’m discussing that with my mental health team. Last thing I need is an intervention. It’s not that bad anyway, and just as well as I never did hear back from the ITALK service. Or the surgeries new mental health guy for that matter. If I was suicidal, they would have failed me miserably and I wouldn’t be here writing about it.

Fun times…

So, Friday has come again at last. Nice tidy pay check, beers already in and I’m ready to go. As there’s no show tonight, we should be on Zoom a lot earlier. For my last hour at work, I’m sat on the car park corner chilling with some quiet drum and bass while writing this drivel. Yes, it’s quiet around this side. Always is.

I know I mentioned it in my last post, but I’m really starting to notice how much mental load has been freed up since the inquest. I’m still surprised by how much. Of course, it makes perfect sense that I’d feel a weight lifted from my shoulders but as each day goes by, I notice it more and more. Finally my mind seems to be letting go of the trauma I experienced having to read through the worst two weeks of my life again and again and again… I wonder if I will ever feel the need to read through it again? I can’t imagine any reason other than to review it one day. Why would I want to do that though? I have no idea. I think I’ll collate it all, print it all out and stash it with the other depressing paperwork. The kids might want to go through it one day. Again, I have no idea why, but if I can make it easier even a little bit by making sure they don’t have to go hunting for jigsaw pieces just to understand it, then it will be worth the effort. Much like making sure all my affairs are written down in one place in the event of my death. Picking through everything, trying to make sense of it is horrific enough as it is without having to dig for the info. It’s all there. The “Folder of Doom” as My Lady used to say. Seems pretty appropriate…

It always surprises me how much I can write when I’m on this position. It’s not like I’m skiving off either. When I’m here my mind is free to ponder Life the Universe, et al. I’m starting to get the feeling that another catharsis may be on the way. I’m in no hurry. After all, I’m still getting used to the changes that happened to me throughout February and since. One thing at a time though. One thing I am sure of is that it’s no good growing if you have no clue how you grew. Understand and consolidate before the next phase. If, of course, that is even possible. In my experience, growth is not something you choose to do. If anything, it’s about as out of ones control as it can get.

I stayed up til around half two last night. My shift started at midday today but I didn’t want to push my luck. I’m seriously bored with feeling so tired all the time. I need to look after myself more. Mentally I mean. Now I have some of the mental load freed up, I need to be as frosty as possible going forward. At least until I secure a new job. Once I do, I’ll need a different type of frostiness while I learn about the new position.

It’s Saturday afternoon and it’s my turn on the car park again. Almost immediately, a lovely lady randomly came up to me and offered me an ice cream. That’s one thing that always gives me a warm feeling inside. So many people are so so grateful for the work we are doing. We have had countless donations of everything from cake, to chocolates to curry’s and noodles from the local street kitchen.

One thing about having done this work all year is how interesting the people I meet and work with are. The volunteers are mostly retired and most of them have had very interesting lives. Many have been very successful in life. One of my colleagues is a good example. We got talking about motorsport and it turns out he was close friends with Charlie Whiting and has spent a lot of his life in Formula One. For those who are not F1 fans, Charlie Whiting used to RUN Formula 1. Last year the guy was going to buy a new Ferrari and decided against it as it was entirely impractical. Can’t say I’d consider taking a Ferrari camping or something myself! For me at least, the only point in owning a Ferrari is to take it to shows, tracks days and just sitting there looking sexy as hell, same as all super cars. He decided against the Ferrari and bought a GT3 Porsche 911. How the other half live eh? He has offered to take me out in it sometime. That will be a blast.

I’ve been invited to dinner tonight by my Italian friend and his partner. It will be so nice to spend some time socialising properly. Although I have gone for coffee with them before, that was when we had to stay outside. It will be nice to do some “proper” socialising, correct etiquette and all. I miss that. My Lady and I used to delight in going to dinner parties. Dressed up, perfect manners etc etc.

I’ll be going there directly from work, I guess it will be a late night. For some strange reason, it feels like Friday again. Maybe because there was no show last night but I spent several hours on Zoom regardless. I might see if anyone’s up for it again tonight. I suspect not though, as apparently the guys had a particularly long session last night. I didn’t even get drunk last night. I’m kind of on the fence with that one. Part of me wishes I had just carried on drinking and partying. I could have got away with it probably. Trouble is, my PC chair isn’t comfortable for long periods. I end up aching all over. The one time I moved to the sofa with the laptop, I fell asleep in minutes. And of course, they just HAD to take a screenshot of me snoring my head off.

I only have a couple of hours left of work. It’s great being able to bash out crap tons of this drivel and still do my job effectively. I’ll have written over 70 thousand words when I publish this post. Shame I can’t write stuff that is publishable. I’ve written more in the last 18months than I have in the last decade.

I was asked today if I intended to publish this drivel at any point. Can’t imagine why I would. Other than a bit of hubris maybe. Who knows?

Well I’m dried up for now. I would say that I’ll add to this later but I know I won’t.

Laters friends. X

So after having Sunday off for the first time in ages yesterday, work has been quite hectic today. 16-17 year olds are now approved for vaccination and we’re having a great turnout. It’s really good to know that despite the minority of their age being absolute retards, believing everything they see or hear on tiktok or YouTube or whatever, it’s nice to know that they are exactly that, the minority.

Not only are the majority of teenagers taking up their jab offers, but they are more organised and more happy to be here than most age groups, other than the oldest. It’s been so busy today, we almost forgot what it was like. We even had queues today. We might even do more than a thousand jabs today!

I’m sat on the car park corner this time. Someone had the genius idea of putting a chair on the position when there’s only one of us here. It’s only been six months and no one had the idea in all that time. Lol.

I’m still no closer to finding a job. I hate this feeling. I’d give anything for a secure job right now, even if it wasn’t good pay. At least I could plan around that. All this uncertainty makes it so hard to focus on life, healing, coping and so on. Despite all this however, it feels so much better not having the inquest playing on my mind any more. It was driving me absolutely crazy. Having to read through the worst experience of my life again and again, knowing full well that we would not get any answers, has hammered my soul. I’m soul tired, no, exhausted. So, so exhausted.

A year and a half in and we’re still in survival mode. The constantly trying not to spend money like we used to is still an uphill battle, and one which we are not always winning. We had years being financially better off. It doesn’t matter how long we were poor for, it’s so demoralising having to keep saying no to my Princeling every time he wants money on the slightest whim. He will have to get organised somehow. Going out for the whole day, taking no food, drink, water or money to buy said items isn’t clever. He will have to learn the hard way I guess. I always help when I can but it’s not always possible.

It’s now Thursday and I’m off work. looks like payday will be good for once. I requested that all my accrued leave was paid up this week. A much needed boost. If I’m sensible, that could buy us another week or two’s grace.

A colleague messaged me yesterday to tell me that their were marshalling positions available at the ding on the Covid booster program. The ding is only twenty odd minutes away from me, so for the sake of an extra fifteen minutes each way, it’s not as unfeasible as I thought. Especially as my hours at the vaccine centre have me getting home at nearly nine pm a lot of the time. If I’m prepared to drive that far for the marshalling position, then there’s no excuse for not considering jobs a little further away. I sent my latest CV adapted to the marshalling position along with a covering email emphasising my time there last night, along with one to a local high tech prosthetics company. They are only two minutes from my old tech support job so it could be ideal if I can find a way in.

As a requirement for ALL of us to be looking after minors coming to be vaccinated, I’ve been taking young adult and children safeguarding courses. I had done the same previously for my nursing job and my TA job at the performing arts academy. I’ll have health care certificates coming out of my ears at this rate. I also have three, yes three enhanced DBS (criminal record check) certificates too. Where the hell this is all leading, I have no clue. I joked with my Princeling last night about becoming a social worker. Sod that! All these course are pushing me that way though. Along with us having my Princeling’s friend staying who is going through hell and is foster care at nineteen. Much as I want to help people in some way, I’m really not strong enough to embark on a social care career. There are some harrowing things happening to people/kids out there. Some days I struggle with simply functioning well enough at work, so having to be that frosty and having that much empathy would kill me at the moment. I’m not even sure I’ll ever be strong enough for that. If only I could find something where I could help people with out the heavy empathy reaction. Basically, thinking about it, I want my cake and eat it. Hardly the time!

It’s a warm and sunny day today. I didn’t wake up too late today. The thought occurs to me that I have spent little time just chilling by myself. Sure, I get plenty if time at home hut I’m always sat at my pc which means I’m surrounded by my finances, job hunting stuff and so on. I feel pressured to just keep going until I can’t do it any more. So I decide to go out and just have some me time, away from all my duties and responsibilities even if it’s only for an hour our two. I have to get some shopping anyway. So, of course, the minute I think about going to the Ham shops… Costa. Why not? I’m getting a major financial boost this week so a few quid (Yeah I know) isn’t going to kill me. I’ve been sat in Costa for ages, sipping my now cold latte. To be honest, I could stay here for much longer but I’m starting to feel that “You should be doing stuff” anxiety. Damn it, it wish I could turn that shit off…

I guess I’ll finish up here and get the shopping done. Ugh… That went far too quickly! I think a long walk with Mr C is in order too. I’m feeling very insular today and would prefer to be on my own. Sometimes, with all the love in the world, I wish I could just teleport into another life. Not knowing a single person, not even knowing my way around. An entirely new life away from everything I know. I wonder why that vibe has kicked in again? Maybe partly because my Princeling has had friends round most nights over the last week or two. The poor boy can’t win. On the one hand, selfishly, I’d always prefer him to be at home chilling with friends in his room. He is safe there. On the other hand, I’m getting a bit of cabin fever at home. I haven’t told him any of this as he doesn’t need to know and I want him to feel as relaxed and safe enough that he will want his friends here. I spent a few years doing the same as a teenager myself and now I understand why my Dad felt the same.

When I’m simmering I find it incredibly hard not to over react to the most pathetic things. At least I took myself away this time before it could happen. It’s not my Princeling’s fault. He is just trying to muddle through life like the rest of us. Aside from job prospects, I’m starting to wonder what life will hold for us over the next few years. A lot of shitty events have put many things into perspective over the last six months along with much self reflection. I do t n is why but it seems that I thought things would get better after the first year. How wrong I was. Ok, I’m not sat in my garden rocking back and forth screaming and crying, but I’m so broken. I’m so lost. I’ve opened so many possible life routes in my mind, I’m a bit overwhelmed. What the hell do I do now?

Well, fir the first time, I got myself a second latte. Wow. Seems I have a lot to say today. I can’t sit here all day. If I had no responsibilities, 100% I could do exactly that. How much use or help it would be though, I don’t know. What I do know is that sitting here writing like mad, the anxiety is held at bay mostly. So it does have a use I guess.

No happy hour this week, or weekday streams in Robb’s twitch channel. Machine Head are currently working on their latest songs I can’t wait to see what they come up with. Given the shitty time Robb and the rest of us have had in the last eighteen months, I expect them to be quite emotional one way or another. After all, Robb lost his mother this year.

I guess now the inquest is done with now, I need to think about our next steps. It’s overwhelming a little. Oh well, small steps, as I’ve been telling myself all along.

Well, it looks like I’m running out of thoughts to batter you with. 😂 Maybe I’ll add to this later…

So Friday has come again at last. After the shit show of this week, I so need to let my hair down. Talking of which, I noticed this morning that I have needed to dye my roots for some time. My appearance has not been top of my list recently as you can imagine. Pretty much everything took a back seat this week.

If there’s one thing I could do with right now is distraction. My headcase friend’s are the perfect recipe for this. I think I might even actually get drunk tonight. I need to have some fun. Fun has been in very short supply recently. I have started playing guitar again though. There’s a random drum and bass track I’ve been listening to recently that is begging to have a metal riff over it. I was that sure of it, not only did I know what tuning the song was in, but knew how to play it before I even picked the guitar up. At least that’s one skill I haven’t lost. I’ve always been able to work songs out by ear. Mainly because I’ve spent most of my musical life playing along with my favourite songs. For the most part, it’s what I’ve always done. I’ve never been that good at composing.

I’m stood on the car park corner again. Now I have no one to talk to, I can feel that simmering starting to push through. I’m so close to crying right now. I can still hold it back but I’m real close. Hopefully I’ll go back to the entrance so I’ll be distracted. I am very good at wearing the “I’m fine” mask now…. Mostly.

I have less than an hour to go until my shift ends. I’ll be doing a beer run on the way home, then taking my Princeling out for some grub. It’ll be nice to spent some time out with him just because.

Once we’re done, I’ll be dyeing my hair again. After so many months, it’s weird seeing my natural hair colour coming through. I wonder if I should not dye my beard this time and let it grow out with purple just at the ends a la Dimebag Darrel. Why not?

I’m planning on having a banger tonight. I bailed quite early last week. 3am might seem stupidly late but it’s not unusual for many of us in Europe to stay up til six am and beyond. Who knows how late I’ll be up tonight? One things for sure, I don’t plan on being quiet tonight. I’m definitely in the mood for shredding on my guitar tonight. If I leave it any longer, I’ll start going backwards. Having come so far in the last eighteen months, it would be criminal to let it all go to pot. I noodle around for half hour or so then put it down. We had the usual giggle but I was spent by three am again.

So it seems to be taking me a few days to write a blog again. Seems silly to publish every slightest thought whenever I get them.

So now it’s Saturday afternoon. I’m at work until eight thirty pm tonight and tomorrow off. I might be meeting Mrs Mumbled musings for coffee this week. A close friend and colleague of My Lady, she has the biggest heart and empathy in truckloads. So much so that she couldn’t read some of these posts, bless her.

I’m so glad I still have these connections to some of My Lady’s friends. I was laying on the sofa for half hour before I left for work, and my mind was cast back to when My Lady and I would go to the Ham shops, literally thousands of times. The things we used to buy, sitting in the hairdressers watching My Lady having her hair done. Basically the life we led before Covid and our own personal nightmares. I still struggle with the idea that not only is My Lady gone, but the world she knew died with her in a way. It happened at the same time and indeed, we were told by the coroner that it was not impossible that it could have been Covid that got her into hospital in the first place. That world is gone forever. That’s not even being dramatic. Society can never go back to how it was back then. If we did, then the nightmare we have all experienced over the last eighteen months and all the sacrifices made by so many, would all be for nothing.

I need to arrange coffee with Mrs White Sage too. I haven’t seen her in a long time. I also missed the end of term drinks at the Performing arts academy I worked at. All these social things and I’ve done none of them. There are also more than one vaccination party after we close too. I guess I need to start socialising more now there are no restrictions. I’m so used to not even thinking about it now. I’m such a crap friend like that. One thing that I need to sort out.

I’m back on the car park corner again. It’s warm and sunny. That would normally cheer me up a bit but not today. I’m still simmering, just not as intense again. My entire headspace is regressing back to the end of last summer. Much the same as then, I’m running out of time to find a job in time for this one ending.

Late finish today. Think I’ll grab a kebab on the way home. There’s no way I’m cooking…

The inquest was this morning. Ever since around 9pm yesterday, my heart was constantly beating so hard, I thought it was going to burst out of my chest, Aliens style, on many occasions. I went to bed early and I couldn’t stop it. It took me over two hours to fall asleep.

I’ve been working myself up to this for months and D day had finally arrived. This morning, my heart started racing within a few seconds of waking up. I love those few seconds before the memory loads.. Conscious enough to know you’re awake but without the pain and crippling panic. My heart was pounding so much after I got up, I even took a squirt of the angina spray I still have from last year. I thought I was going to throw up at one point. I even took the angina spray with me too.

My Princeling and I took the train to the inquest as I wanted it as simple as possible, especially given how worked up I was. I don’t think I’d have been safe driving.

So, we all sat down and as they were explaining what the procedures were, they mentioned that a reporter wanted to sit in and that, as a public hearing, anyone can attend. Great, so it’s going to be in the paper or something.

So what did we learn? Absolutely nothing new. We still don’t know exactly what happened and never will. Case closed. Only it isn’t… For us anyway. There won’t be a negligence case. All there is left to do now is focus on looking after the kids and coping. I don’t know how I feel right now. Kind of numb I guess. I know damn well I’m going to have a meltdown at some point. I can feel it simmering in the background.

My arch nemesis ‘Simmering’ is back… With a vengeance.

And yet, as ever, I can’t afford to lose my shit. Now more than ever. I’ve still got to be the ‘storm’. Eighteen months to day that that My Lady passed away.

The damn paper ran the story by dinner time. Jesus, would it have killed them to ask us? Or even offer condolences in the inquest? As much as it was written nicely, there was more detail shared than any of us are happy with. Trouble is, an inquest is a public hearing and as such, anyone can sit in. Later, I finally reset My Lady’s phone and have started using it as my own. I’d preserved it how My Lady left it for 18 months and I still feel guilty about commandeering it. By the evening, I am utterly exhausted from the day’s events, so I have a weak beer and go to bed… Finally, sleep.

So that was all yesterday. This morning I’m dropping my Princelings friend home and getting us some pastries for lunch. I still feel the same as yesterday. Not as intense, as I’ve slept, but it’s the same flavour. Numb and simmering underneath. Back to this shit eh? Great. Now my mind isn’t obsessed with the inquest, I’ve noticed that I’ve let the house work build up again. Annoying and it shows how my mind hasn’t been in the game recently. I’ve done some hoovering and cleaned the bathroom. The battery on the hoover died so the rest will have to wait. Caught up on a lot of stuff. I don’t start work until half three. Still saying good morning when I arrive though!

My Princeling got his first Covid vaccination today. I’m so relieved. He didn’t want it at first. Much like a lot of kids his age, they’ve heard so many stories, it’s no wonder they were cautious. Still, it’s done. Precious has had her first too. Nearly there.

Well, let’s see what the rest of today holds. I should prepare myself for the questions when I get to work. Some of my colleagues have been really supportive, and will want to know how I am, bless them.

Laters friends… X

So, My Lady’s inquest is less than a week away. I’ve read through the various doctors statements, coroners report (several times) and written and submitted my own statement. I only found out a few days ago that the coroner wanted my statement. I’ve been struggling really bad over the last week or so. Reliving the worst two weeks of my life again and again has taken its toll. I’m now in a constant state of anxiety pretty much every waking moment. Punctuated by the odd distraction which I’m pathetically grateful for. In some ways, I feel like I’ve been thrown back to last year mentally. Every time I think about the inquest, it terrifies me. The effect of it on the kids and my newly adopted sister is going to be extreme.

I just want the damn thing done with now. I’ve already accepted that we won’t learn anything new. All the doctors statements are in agreement with each other. Our solicitor got an independent opinion on what happened and they agreed with what the doctors did. I really don’t think there will be grounds for a claim. I’m doubtful they will even be able to prove the cause of death.

I’m stood on the car park corner again, pondering all of this along with desperately trying to look into the future, to no avail. I have no idea what I will be doing for work, and the impact of the inquest could well throw a curve ball at us, and there won’t be any small ones with this either.

It’s strange, my tech job ended in September last year and this one finishes almost on the anniversary of it. It’s almost a carbon copy of last year. No wonder I’m flashing back all the time. I’ve been very lucky to have the vaccination job. It’ll be seven months by the time it finishes. Now I’m stuck in that job hunting limbo again. This gives me enough anxiety as it is, let alone on top of the rest of it. I’ve started bursting into tears again at home. I’ve come close a few times at work too.

I’ve read in a few places that the second year can be harder than the first. Holy shit, that would take some doing! All of a sudden, a year seems like a very long time. At least the coming year does. Last year however, seems like nothing, especially now my emotional state has gone backwards so much. I am absolutely sick and fricking tired of feeling like this and yet I know there won’t be an end to it any time soon. Seems I’ve been doing a good job of distracting my self over the last few months.

Work husband went to hospital recently. He is ok but every time a friend has any semi serious medical issue, it freaks me out. I’d rather know though. I’m just scared of losing anyone else… Still.

I need to chase up ITalk this week. I never did hear back from them. I’m getting quite impatient. I just want to get on with healing and to do that, I need to understand what my issues are so I can get on with tackling them. I’m so broken. More than at any point in my life, and that’s saying something.

Sometimes I wish the world would just stop so I can get off. I’m tired, so so tired. I’m starting to wonder how much longer I can carry on being strong. I’m bored with it now. I simply want to completely let go and have a proper meltdown, yet my mind won’t let me. Probably just as well for now, as I need to be more frosty than ever. Ugh. One thing I have learned from the last year is that it’s really hard to stay strong in the early days and yet now, when I feel that train coming, I get angry at it which cuts off that urge to wallow. It’s automatic. The more time goes by, the more it feels like the mask I wear every day gets thicker and thicker. Am I hiding behind this be the storm shit? Am I actually the upgraded version of myself that I tell myself I am? How would I even figure that out? This and many other neurosis are precisely why I sought mental health help. My mind is melting through overload most of the time these days. Finances, job hunting, inquest, fallout from inquest. Results from back scan. I might have osteoporosis, worst case scenario, and that’s not even all of it. Shame you can’t upgrade the brain like RAM in a PC.

My body is exhausted, my mind and soul is even more so.

Night friends. X

So Friday was the 27th anniversary of the release of Machine Heads Burn My Eyes album. Friday nights happy hour was a full play through if the whole album with a few acoustic songs after. Chris Kontos and Logan Mader joined Robb and Jared for the show. It’s the first time Chris and Logan have joined happy hour. It was the best show I’ve seen in so long. Absolute banger! We were all blown away and in our Zoom after party, we were so hyped. Having got up at 6am, I was struggling before we even started our Zoom meeting. We had the usual shenanigans but I bailed by 3am. Still, much needed frivolity. What I would do without my Friday nights now, I’ll never know. If you like metal, you really should tune in on Robb Flynn’s twitch channel Friday nights. You won’t regret it.

I’m sat in my car on my break. I’m still in a weird headspace. On top of everything, I received a message from Ms Poison on my new account. I’d forgotten to block her. I’ve spoken to her maybe two or three times in the last decade so it completely took me unawares. I haven’t replied as yet. I want to think carefully about my response. I could do without having to deal with it to be honest. The last thing I want right now is interaction with her on any level. I’ve been quite happy without her in my life for more than a decade now. It’ll be ‘interesting‘ to see how that plays out.

Despite having all day yesterday to get the housework done, I could only manage twenty minutes or so at a time before I gave up and went back to my desktop. Most of the laundry is done but I couldn’t be arsed to hover and dust etc. I felt so depressed all day. I still am to some extent. I guess this is a glimpse of how my life will be like when my Princeling has flown the nest. He has mentioned several times over the last six months that he is sick of Roundabout city and wants to leave this “dump”. Can’t say I blame him either.

I seem to be on the other side of that fence at the moment. After all the fantasising about moving to somewhere hot, beaches and sunsets, I now feel like I don’t want to leave this house. I’m surrounded constantly with reminders of My Lady. The more time passes, the less I want to change the house around. Several times yesterday, I thought of going through some of My Lady’s things, only to recoil in horror at the thought. How long can I going to leave her shoes in the shoe rack for instance? Our wardrobe is still untouched, as are all of the rest of My Lady’s things. How long am I going to leave it all alone? There is no hurry or deadline. Indeed, there is no requirement to do it at all, ever, but at some point it will have to be done. I guess…

Part of me has metaphorically hit the brakes on my “growth”. There’s no hurry on that level either. I’d rather process and consolidate each level up as they happen. I feel the need to understand these changes if I’m to maximise their benefits.

I tried to think ahead to the next few years last night. Totally impossible. I can’t even see past the the next few months given how unpredictable life has been. The next few months or so are so unpredictable… How new. This is one reason I was so happy in my tech support role. Salary, permanent and secure. Or so I thought at the time. The place was only five minutes away too. It was ideal.

So… What now? Damned if I know.

So, I had my assessment with the ITalk service. It was quite positive. Obviously with sooo much wrong with my headspace, we could only skim across most of it. A few things that became clear very quickly are: not only have I got more wrong with me than I realised, but half the coping mechanisms suggested I’m already aware of and have been using for some time. No doubt it has helped somewhat but I still feel like I need someone totally objective that doesn’t know me to open up to. I seriously need to unpack so many things in my mind. My hope is that I can put a lot of my psychological issues to bed finally. I’m not under any illusions that I’ll magically be fixed and be fine, but if I don’t try and get help, it can only end badly. That much I am sure of.

I’m stood on the car park corner again today contemplating my psychological state. Can’t listen to music or podcasts as my battery won’t last the shift. Seems a good time to get some thoughts down.

I’m looking forward to talking to a proper psychiatrist. It will be the first time, but I know exactly what I want to tell them initially. The important thing is how they will ask me questions that make me think and indeed come to my own conclusions as much as the things they will suggest. I don’t know if you have any experience of this dear reader, but as much as it can potentially unlock traumatic past events, just the way you are asked the questions make you think and have your own revelations. Seems that if your mind thinks you thought of it, it sticks better. I’m not sure how else to phrase it at the moment.

So I’m sat in Costa yet again. There are thunderstorms rumbling around. Fortunately I avoided the torrential rain. Some of my colleagues weren’t so lucky, bless them.

I’m not sure what I’ll do this afternoon, but I haven’t played guitar for days, possibly over a week! Can’t let all the last years work go to waste. It’s less anti social blasting it out in the afternoon rather than ten/eleven pm. See what happens.

I was watching a random stream Robb did last night. He was just chilling and writing lyrics. In the middle of it, the news hit that the original drummer for slipknot, Joey, had died. It was surreal watching Robb react to the news. Obviously gutted but that was a moment not to be forgotten.

That was a few days ago and now it’s Monday morning.

Yesterday was hard. My Princeling is at his sisters helping her move into her new flat. He left Saturday morning. It’s one thing being in the house when he is out with friends, or even staying at a friends, it’s quite another, not even being in the same town. No background thoughts about when he is home or what I’ll do for his dinner.

So yesterday (Sunday) morning, I was tidying my bedroom and I came across an envelope. It had My Lady’s name on it and “Lock of hair.” I had asked the funeral parlour to take a lock for me, however it went missing not long after I took it home.

I paused before opening it. This is the only thing left of My Lady. I took the lock out and just stared at it for a while. Then I stroked it against my check. Intense. I’m glad I found it though. I’d have loved it if I could still smell her on it but having been in an envelope for over a year, any scent would be long gone.

So I now find myself on the same position at work that I was on when I started this post. As uneventful as it is here, I can spend some time contemplating and processing the weekends events.

I need to chase up ITalk. I just remembered that they were supposed to be emailing me at the end of last week. Not a good sign. I also need to get my other vaccinations done. Oh well, at least it’s all moving forward.

Later friends. X

It’s Saturday evening, I’m at work, stood on the car park that I’ve spent countless hours on since February. Blazing sunshine, little to no wind. There’s the occasional breeze, but not enough to cool me down. I’m loving finally getting the hot weather, I’ve craved for so long.

The vaccine centre, is dead. Next to no one turning up now. most of the appointments are completed already. I guess we may be sent home early. Who knows?

Normally when I’m on this position, I would listen to music on my phone. Either on Spotify, or my own music. Having hours in which the only thing you can do is listen to music, is the perfect opportunity to analyse my own compositions.

There is however only so long one can do that for before it’s gets boring. One of our volunteers mentioned recently that they sometimes listen to podcasts in one ear when stood here. That’s a great idea. I looked up some on Spotify and found a series about the fall of various civilisations. Each mostly over two hours long, it’s ideal. I now know about the fall of the Mayan, Aztec, Incan, Byzantine, Sumerian, Assyrian, and the Roman Empires. Oh and the Late Bronze Age Collapse.

It’s amazing how much you can learn when you are stuck on a street corner, making sure multiple dickheads don’t block the fire station exit. I say multiple, there can be ages between them but it only takes one car faffing around in the exit when a fire engine gets an emergency call and there would be mayhem. The station manager told us that if someone wouldn’t get out of the way, they would simply push them out of the way with the fire engine. I believe her.

My tan is crazy now. My Lady always loved my tan colour. “A lovely olive brown.” Guessing I have no need for vitamin D supplements now.

Friday night was insane. As it was Robb Flynn’s birthday, we donned the usual party attire. Pink robes and clam sunglasses… Those clams.

Robb and Jared put on an amazing show as usual and we were even talking to Robb on Instagram at the same time. Myself included. Mental. Some of us were already in our Zoom room. Once the show finished and the others joined, the party began. The usual infantile jokes, verbal abuse, guitar strumming “Do you even down pick bro?!” and much drinking, same as most Friday nights… Only more so.

It’s not unusual for any of us to change our display name upon joining zoom, simply to mess each other around and keep them guessing for a bit…

The name was Robb Flynn…

So obviously we all started guessing as none of thought it was Robb. And, as usual, we abused them rotten while we were waiting for whoever it was to turn on their camera. They turn their camera on and who do you think it was? Robb… Effing… Flynn. What the actual hell?! Our reaction was priceless. He didn’t stay long, but wanted to thank us all for the birthday fun and messages. Over a year on, and I still find this stuff surreal in the extreme. Well it is… Isn’t it? If some random person told me this story, I’d probably think they were full of shit. Well I have pics. It did happen. 😉

Suffice to say, we were all buzzing like crazy from it after he left. A very late, and very drunk night ensued… Probably the most fun we’ve had in a while, and that’s saying something… It was 5:30am when I hit the sack. Party on.