As ever it’s been a while since my last post. It’s been and interesting week or so. I’m still hardly drinking at all. I’m even developing an aversion to it. I opened one the other night, had a couple of sips then poured it away. I’m not even getting drunk on Friday nights now. It seems I can believe my own BS after all. Who knew?

It’s Monday, Easter weekend. We pretty much ignored the whole vibe. It doesn’t mean anything any more. Easter was never particularly special to me personally anyway.

I had a long shift at the Ding vaccination centre yesterday. Always nice to be in that environment. Stupidly low numbers though. I was in the immunosuppressed pod. In just under 11 hours I had three patients and two of them were when I was covering breaks… Three. Regardless, I always have great conversations with my colleagues there so I wasn’t bothered one bit. Two of the volunteers from the fire station were on duty so it was lovely to catch up with them.

I awoke early this morning, despite wanting a lie in. As usual, I dozed for a bit then got up. Surprisingly awake, I started my chores, popped to the shop for a couple of bits and now I’m tired again. Bugging. I’m lying on the sofa bashing out this drivel, my eyes getting heavier and heavier. Hopefully I’ll be able to have a little snooze…

I nodded off for a bit. I was rudely awoken by my Princeling as usual. How new. Cracked on with more chores for a while, then another wave of tiredness swept over me. Cue another nap, again awoken by my Princeling. I won’t lie, I’m getting sick and tired of not being able to simply chill when I want to. It’s not much to ask when I’m off work. But apparently it is.

I had a blast with my musical compadre on Friday night as usual. We agreed to actually put together some songs to jam with a view of taking them to an open mic night at some point.

It’s been warm and sunny for most of the weekend so I got some gardening done. Vax shift on Sunday.

So now it’s Tuesday and I’m back at work. No through hole soldering today. All hand placements. The only thing I don’t like about it is that time seems to go much slower.

The week flew by. It’s the weekend already!

It would have been My Lady’s birthday today. She would have been 43. It’s still so surreal. So much has happened over the last two years or so. The pandemic, wars, war crimes, and climate catastrophes, none of which she knows anything about. I still remember clear as day how it felt queuing up to get into Tesco, hoping there would be some toilet roll left, wondering what she would have made of it all.

The first time I ventured out to the shops after she died was horrific. There was a lady walking across the car park with the exact same hairstyle and even the same colour dye. Moments later someone shouted My Lady’s name across the car park.

My Princeling and I went into Poundland. Seeing My Lady’s shampoo and lots more besides was a constant triggerfest. I start panicking. My Princeling grabs my arms as says “let’s get the hell out of here” bless him. So we rush to the tills and there’s a queue. Of course there is. I pay and at that point I’m in full fight or flight mode and start running for the door. As I cross the threshold, someone grabs my arm and yanks me back. At the same time, my fist clenches and my arm is curling round to belt whoever it is in the face. Just in time I realise that it’s a woman with a baby in her arms. She yanks be back so hard, she bangs the baby’s head on the door frame, screaming at me “Why did you do that!? Why did you throw your drink on my pushchair!?” At this point I’m half tempted to belt her one anyway. I’m not like that, I can assure you but flight or flight is exactly the point. I start shouting at her, saying “What? Where? Fucking show me!” She shows me the push chair and it has white liquid dribbling down it… White liquid… On a push chair… Her mother gives her a dirty look and says “It’s fucking milk, that poor man!” I say “Go fuck yourself!” and storm out. We’d had enough by then and went straight home where I burst into tears for the umpteenth time that day.

Constantly bursting into tears all day, it was one of the worst experiences of my life, apart from the obvious.

I touched base with Precious this afternoon, just to let her know I’m thinking about her. These anniversaries are so shit for all of us.

The world as we/My Lady knew it died around the same time she did. Lockdown was only ten days after the funeral. We were “lucky” to have a proper funeral at all. My neighbour’s sister died two weeks after My Lady and they could only have ten people there.

So it’s the next day. I went to bed early last night. I’ve not had a drink all week. In fact only half a beer since exactly a week ago. I have plenty of beer but I wanted to cut it out as much as possible. The craving is still there but I’m strong enough to resist now. It isn’t a good role model for my Princeling either. Tomorrow however… I will be having a few. It’s nearly Friday and I’ve behaved myself lots…

I hate anniversaries…

Well, I had another fuck it moment yesterday. I merely mentioned that I was thinking about painting my nails black for the hell of it to Miss Catharsis in California the other day. Much like when I dyed my hair she got excited and said do it. So I grabbed some nail polish, remover and make up pads on the way home yesterday. Once my chores were done, I cracked on with it. It took me bloody hours. Smudging it and starting again many times. I got there in the end but it’s not that tidy. I remember well from My Lady doing her nails, all of the principles of getting a nice finish but doing it to your own hands is not easy at all. Still, it was was quite the buzz, again much like dyeing my hair for the first time. It doesn’t help that I had been biting my nails all week, so they were in crappy condition to start with. Oh well, first time I’ve done it so it will improve. Keeping it off my skin is so hard though.

Monday. No happy hour or Zoom this weekend. It felt strange. My musical compadre came round anyway. I only had half a beer all night too. Makes a change. Probably time I cut right down anyway. Spent the weekend doing the usual mountain of laundry and housework. What fun…

Time has flown at work this morning. I’m on my lunch break already. I’ve had a repetitive job all morning but sometimes I prefer that. It hones ones skills and makes the time fly into the bargain. Like I said about the through hole soldering. It’s relaxing. I’ve become quite adept at the screen printing now. I was flying through the 270 boards we had to solder print.

Wednesday. It’s nearly twenty degrees today. My mood is lifting still further. If I was at home I’d be topless in shorts by now. I’ve always said clothes are overrated in this weather. Work is becoming a lot easier now I’ve been there a month. A month… Already. Crazy how time flys sometimes. Ever since My Lady died, my time perception has been screwed.

Just to prove the point, it’s now Friday at last. That flew by. I’m still depressed after all. Work is a great distraction. With one exception. Radio. Blinding light by The Weeknd came on I’ve not heard it for over a year and a half. If you didn’t know, Blinding Light was the song that played My Lady out at her funeral. How the hell I kept it together I don’t know. Fortunately, I could barely hear it and it was nearly finished when I realised.

So after another stupidly late Friday night with my musical compadre and the Headcases on Zoom, Saturday was a bit blurry. I drunk even more than last week. I need to ease up really. I nearly passed out in my PC chair. I still have two beers left but I had no interest in drinking them all weekend.

Yesterday was Mother’s Day. We hate all of these shittyversaries. My Princeling isn’t usually affected too much by anniversaries, but he was this time bless him. Usually he prefers to ignore them. Not this time.

We got through that just about. My Lady’s birthday is just under a week away. I think that will be hard for all of us. My Princeling is ever more aware of these dates it seems. Precious always was. Two years is just insane, still.

Monday. First job this morning was a circuit board for the Mercedes F1 team. I was left on my own to do it too. No pressure then! Given that I’ve been an F1 fan all my life, I was determined to make these boards perfect. I probably took too long on them but I don’t care. I wasn’t going to be potentially responsible for a car failure! Sure enough, they all came out spot on, thank the Gods.

I’m hoping I can get back on Fridays job today. Through hole soldering is so relaxing. Just pile me up and let me crack on. My soldering skills, while more than acceptable, need polishing. After a few chats with QC, I had it down. Even the smallest components were easy in the end.

It’s so nice work trusted me with the Mercedes boards. Any F1 team would place a lot of trust in any part supplier, for obvious reasons. All these years and I finally get to take part in the construction of an F1 car, even if it is only a little sensor board!

Tuesday. Another job to do on my own this morning. Work are trusting me more, bit by bit. I’m finally starting to relax a little here. I’m still simmering a little in the background though. All those regrets. All those mistakes that I’ve learned the lesson from in the hardest way possible. Lessons that I’ll take to my grave.

Friday again at last. I’m double booked tonight. There’s a monthly social at my new workplace. I wasn’t going to miss it. It’ll be the best opportunity to get to know everyone. I’ll be leaving the car at work today. I’ll deal with collecting it tomorrow.

Happy Hour is an hour early tonight as in the USA their DST change is a fortnight before ours. Given that the work shindig starts straight from work, I’d imagine I’ll be a little tipsy quite early. The rest of them intend to be. Not that it matters what they do. Should make for an interesting Zoom sesh tonight!

Sat in my car at lunchtime and it’s positively balmy right now. 18 degrees. It’s amazing how much difference the weather makes to my mood. I’ve said it all winter, I WANT MY SUMMER!!! Finally the first hint of it. (Big long sigh)… Today is the first day in weeks I feel kind of ok. Jebus it’s about time! It’s amazing what a little warm sunny weather can do for my mood. The forecast shows it’ll be warm for several days. I hope so. If it is I’ll get some gardening done. It’ll be a lot of work but if it’s sunny, I won’t mind.

Saturday afternoon. The work social went well. I think I bonded with one or two of them. I certainly had fun with them. “Fun”… Still a strange concept, over two years on. How should I define “fun” now? Anyway, we had our meal and moved on the the pub a few doors down. Omg, it was at least half full of kids. It felt like it anyway. Many times while I was there, young ones were turned away at the door. We had started drinking around 3pm at work with our “Desk beers”. I was leaving the car at work so I had two before we even left. At the restaurant the beer was flowing as much as the food. Once at the pub, I must have had at least 3 pints in the first hour or two. That was seven so far. The crazy thing is, I wasn’t getting blotto. I wasn’t drinking weak beer either. After another pint and various semi-drunken conversations, another new guy at the company kindly got his girlfriend to give me a lift home when she came to collect him.

I had two big bottles of beer in the fridge when I got home, just in time for the Happy Hour. I cracked one open as soon as I got in. Shortly after this, my musical compadre unexpectedly came around for a social and to watch the show with me. It’s so nice to share the experience with someone, and with someone who gets it too. Once the show was over, I joined our usual after party Zoom meeting. I introduced my musical compadre and they welcomed him in true Headcase fashion… They took the piss. We had an absolute ball. It must have been around four am by the time he left. After another hour or so, we finished up and we all went to bed. Three weeks running now, I’ve stayed up until five am or so, and you know what? I’m glad I have. We know each other so well now, we have many deep and personal chats and also such a laugh, it’s probably my only source of real soul food now. Apart from the music and my long chats with my musical compadre of course.

The weather is still nice and looking to stay that way for a while. I really couldn’t be arsed to get the car. Slightly hungover and tired from last night, I didn’t think it wise anyway.

Sunday morning. I awoke early again this morning, same as last week. Weird. 5:24am. Again, I dozed for a while until I got bored and got up around an hour later. Surely it can’t be this easy to reset my body clock after my Friday night? Never used to be. I’m loving having my whole weekends back, despite missing my vaccination centre job.

I need to get my car from work. I was going to borrow my Princeling’s bike but I can’t be arsed to ride that far, so I decided to do something I haven’t done for many years… Take a bus ride. I have my headphones charged and it’ll be nice to be driven for once. There’s something about watching the world go by on a train or bus. My Lady and I always liked it.

Sat in my dressing gown, listening to that meditation playlist I made for the garden in 2020. I probably shouldn’t to be honest. It’s already got me in a weird headspace. Taking Mr C to the local shop did the same thing yesterday. We rarely walk that way these days, for this very reason. It’s still triggery as hell, and given it’s been over two years now, I doubt that will change any time soon. Looks like I’m stuck with that trigger. It didn’t help that all the Magnolia trees were in full bloom. My Princeling nearly killed the Magnolia tree in our front garden last year. The thought occurred to me while looking at the lovely flowers that my one still has no growth. My stomach flipped. Has he killed it after all? When Mr C and I got home I had a close look at it. There are one or two growing shoots, around a few inches long. My stomach flipped. The relief was almost as breathtaking as the fear of the tree being dead. The strength of my reactions took me by surprise. Clearly I’m simmering again.

So I walk down the the bus stop. I’m stood waiting for the bus, smoking a cigarette. A lady with dyed hair and piercings comes along to get the same bus. Out of the blue, she randomly asks me if I’m a musician… The question threw me at first. Say what now? No one in the Ham has ever asked me that in eleven years of living there. Not only is she also a musician, but a Metal head too. What the actual fuck? Excuse the expletive, but I’m genuinely blown away. I cant emphasis it enough. I got rather excited. After all this time, a human to jam with. My musical compadre has to get in on this. This is just mental.

Of course, there is a chance she is a psychopath in disguise. It’s always a possibility. Back around fifteen years ago, when I was still banned from driving due to my Epilepsy, I had a bus pass. It was my only transport. There was a lady that spent most of her day on the bus, going back and forth on the same route for hour’s just so she could talk to people, bless her. She had a mental disability of some sort and most people took a dislike to her as she was so forward. As I bumped into her on the bus regularly, I took the time to talk to her. Wouldn’t hurt a fly. You wouldn’t think so upon first meeting her though. I have since tried not to judge a book by it’s cover. I’m trying not to get worked up over it. I mean, I’m not used to strangers complimenting my purple hair in town still, never mind outright being asked if I’m a musician by a stranger. We were both going to town, so we continued the conversation on the bus. Guitars, amps, music production, basically everything I’ve been up to musically for the last two years. She clamed to have 25 guitars. She also claimed that she designed amps. Now then… There was a time when I would naturally have called BS on all of it, but the last year has also taught me that you do meet people that do special things. My colleagues at the fire station are a good example. One was a close friend of Charlie Whiting and Michael Schumacher. I’ve seen pics. It DID happen.

So now what? We automatically exchanged numbers which unnerved me somewhat later. Of course, the only plan was to jam some tunes but still, that was quick. I know this person about thirty seconds and I have their number and she has mine. Since when the fuck did that ever happen? Metal heads… We always get excited when meeting a fellow Metal head. Quite aside from being a musician too. AND only a few streets away. With an Ibanez Jem, and who plays and Ibanez Jem? Steve Vai… Wtf is this life up to now!!!???

We go our separate ways when we get to town, and there’s a forty five minute wait for the bus I need. Sod it, I’ll walk. I have no exercise at all now so it’ll do me good. It’ll give me time to process what just happened too. As if my last two years haven’t been surreal enough, the Cosmos throws another curve ball at me. Makes a bloody change for it not to be a traumatic one. I mean… First time I get on a bus in possibly as long as a decade and that happens.

I get my car and do my shopping. Once home I get stuck in to the house and garden. Time for the lawns first hoover of the year as it’s been dry for some time. I tidied up my climbers and a few other things before it cooled down. I spent the rest of the evening watching the Grand Prix, and what a Grand Prix it was too.

Monday. Still tired from the weekend, getting up was a struggle. Plodding along through the inspection of many circuit boards, randomly a trigger song came on the radio. Lewis Capaldi’s “Someone you loved.” I had to get away from it. I haven’t heard that song for a very long time and for good reason. It kills me. I went to the loo and freshened up for a minute, then went back. It surprised me that I didn’t burst out into tears. Inside, I was screaming, but I didn’t let it out. My mood was lifted however, when my agency app pinged to tell me I had been assigned three shifts in April at the Ding vaccination centre. Up and bloody down…

So, it’s been an interesting few days to be sure. I need to try and chill for a few days. I have a lot to process. Life, music, finances changing (again) and more besides. I’ll go pop if I don’t offload a bit. Robb has just gone live so I’ll kick back for the rest of the evening with… You guessed it… A beer.

How new.

Today my father and his partner came to visit. It’s the first time in a very long time. So much so, that I actually can’t remember when he was last here. Obviously I made sure the house was presentable. Can’t have guests in a skanky house. Of course, they turned up early this time. Hoover still out, halfway through polishing. No big deal though, after all it is my father. He knows all too well what being a single parent is like. It was great to finally catch up properly. He asked me to restring his guitar while he was here so I offered to give it a full service too. He gladly accepted. I’ve learned so much about looking after guitars in the last two years. All mine are in the best condition they have ever been in, even since new. A new guitar is almost never perfectly setup properly when you get it home, never mind it having a service as well as a setup. So I put his guitar on the table to assess it and low and behold, it was the very guitar I nicked regularly when I was 16. It was showing its age too. Corroded frets, built up dirt in the fret ends and the fretboard was worn down through the top veneer in the root chord positions. I wasn’t sure how fresh I could make it given it’s age but it had NEVER been serviced. It had just been restrung throughout it’s life. I’m not even sure it was wiped down after use. I know I didn’t back in the day. I only started doing that when I got my Jackson in 2020! Whatever, it will be way better once I’m finished with it.

So I buffed up the body then attacked the fretboard. Using super fine wire wool and guitar lemon oil, I got to it. I have to say, I am very pleased with the result. It’s probably the newest it’s looked in decades. Once I’d strung it up, stretched the strings and tuned it up again, it sounded lovely. Far brighter than I remember. Hopefully it will inspire my Dad to play more. A loved guitar is always an inspiration to play. For me anyway. Once I had done the business on all of my guitars, every one of them became a pleasure to play. All these years… I could have, and should have been doing this for decades. The next phase is to rebuild the tremolo on my Jackson. With my new knowledge, I can spot things much more easily. The saddles aren’t even in the correct order. Ridiculous. Firstly because this left the factory like this and went through the shop giving it a setup too, and secondly because I hadn’t noticed it until recently. No wonder I was having trouble with my top string bends. The saddles are different heights to match the curvature of the fretboard. They are all over the place. I have a set of strings, and when I can take my time over it, I’ll sort it out. All this inspired me to practise for a couple of hours. Much needed as I’ve not played as often as I’d like recently.

That was yesterday (Sunday). I had a realisation today. I got through the whole day without remembering that it was the second anniversary of My Lady’s funeral. That’s new. I only realised as Facebook showed me a memory from today. Today being the anniversary of meeting My Lady. We always considered this to be the day we got together. We were in love before we even met, despite our best efforts to avoid it. Neither of us were looking for a relationship. Sure, I feel down about it, but I’ve not been smashed in the face by the emotional freight train like every other time. That’s also new. The day isn’t over so let’s see. Yet another new thing is that I didn’t feel like I could talk about it at work. So I didn’t. Great, so now I can’t even get things off my chest at work. After over a year in the vaccination program, working with such amazing souls, I could talk all day about My Lady if I wanted and every one of them would patiently listen. Bless them. Another nail in the coffin of my soul. I don’t know how I’ll fair without the soul food of my vaccination role/ colleagues. It’s got me through the last year and has even made me genuinely happy on occasion. I’d almost forgotten what “happy” felt like. Always tainted by loss but still. It’s all relative I guess.

So now what? It’s Monday, I finally had a full day with no errors at work which was a relief. I was starting to worry about not cutting the mustard. It’s been so long and components are ridiculously small now. I haven’t mentioned the day’s significance to Precious or my Princeling. I don’t think I will either. Why bring them down? Obviously it is also the day I met them too and if they aren’t aware of it then I’ll leave it. I’ll just do my usual post work routine. Dinner, bit of house work. And how could I forget… My now regular beer.

My mother was an alcoholic. ALL of my step-fathers were also alcoholics. I’ve had friends who were alcoholics. I’ve seen enough alcoholism that I have no intention of becoming one. Fact remains though, I drink more now than ever. I also drink a lot more when I do. Having had a few addictions in the past, I’m acutely aware of the craving for a drink that appears almost daily now. Not a good sign. Many people have a glass of wine of an evening after work, but I never did until My Lady passed away. I drink at least four cans of beer a week these days. Some of you may laugh, but like I say, it’s all relative. I think I’ve had at least one beer for the last five or six days… I think. I tell myself this is ok, it’s only one (mostly) and I only have more on Friday nights with the Headcases. It still doesn’t sit right though. Alarm bells are ringing.

Wednesday now. Payday. I got hammered by the tax man but I’ll get that back at some point. I managed to relax at work for a few hours yesterday and today. Soldering through hole connectors. Lots of them. Good practice. I’m still good at this stuff. And I’ve always found this type if soldering relaxing. It’s kind of like mindfulness. Shame I cant do it all day to be honest. I could handle an automaton job for a bit. I have the mental room to ponder the next few months when I’m doing this… Finances aren’t as bad as I thought.

I found myself wide awake just after 6am today. No idea why but I just got up and went through the finances with a fine tooth comb. It could be worse. A lot worse. Indeed I thought it was.

I’ve said it many times. My Lady was the only person in my entire life that I trusted 100%. That’s not to say my closest can’t be trusted. The issue is with me not them. I guess I’ll be stuck with this vibe for the rest of my life. No one else would ever compare. I mean… How could they?

How am I supposed to get over this? It’s a scary world when you can’t trust a living soul. Constant background anxiety about the potential of someone stabbing me in the back in some way. I’m metaphorically looking over my shoulder 24/7.

People are arseholes.

It’s Sunday. Only it’s a proper Sunday. I’m off work. I’ve had the whole weekend off this week. The intention was to do my usual housework obsession and get some of the big jobs done. One of the fence panels blew out a couple of weeks ago and I only fixed it today. In usual contradictory fashion, I also decided I would take some time to actually rest. Maybe even relax for a bit? What on earth was I thinking?

Having stayed up so late Friday night, I had to do my best to ensure my sleeping pattern wasn’t screwed. I went to bed early and woke at 6am for some reason. I dozed for twenty minutes then I was fully awake. I got up and tip toed downstairs so as not to wake my Princeling. Too early to crack on with housework, I sat with a coffee pondering life in silence. What now? Ever since I woke, I’ve had a background anxiety. If that’s what it is. It stinks of that ‘Train’ though.

I dried some clothes on the garden clothes line for the first time this year… Triggered. Fixed the fence… Triggered. Even watering the damn plants… Triggered. Wtf is going on today? Much as I didn’t want to, I had to go out to do some grocery shopping. As soon as I pull out, I see sprouting Dandelions… Triggered. Wow, it’ll be the third spring that My Lady will never see. I hate it, still. I pull up at Lidl, and they have their spring garden products on display… Triggered. Mooching around, doing my shopping… Triggered. All I want is to be at home, safe. Well, as safe as I feel anywhere. “Safe” is still a very rare feeling. Driving home… Triggered. All the thousands of times driving home from work, thinking about my Lady as I drive. All these triggers weren’t full on, but they accumulated as the day went on. I’ve bottled it for the most part so far, but I’m this close to breaking. I gave my Princeling a lift into town earlier. Almost as soon as he had got out of the car, I started crying, even hyperventilating for a few seconds a few times on the way home.

On the way home I stopped at the Ham shops to get a couple of bits Lidl didn’t have and found that Superdrug has closed. Triggered, lots. One of the very last photos of My Lady was stood outside Superdrug having just come out of the hair salon. The countless times going in that shop with or for My Lady… Consigned to memory and photographs now. I can’t even go there for the comfort pamper things any more.

The world just keeps moving on. I despise it still… So much.

Pandemics, wars, climate catastrophes, all of which My Lady knows nothing about. What I wouldn’t give to have her back for the apocalypse. We trained for years for it. Seems I’ll be facing the end of the world on my own. How new.

I’ve read many times over the last two years about how after losing ones partner, people fade away eventually. Even people you thought were close. No more calling just to see how you are, no more visits. Some formerly close friends only call when they want something these days. If they can even be bothered to call at all rather than text. Still, there are only two exceptions to that. Work Husband and my musical compadre. Keepers, both. The longer the situation goes on, the more I feel myself distancing myself from everyone else. My life might be a shit show, but it’s MY shit show. I don’t need anyone any more, despite my constant loneliness. As much as I resent being left to my own devices, I had grudgingly accepted that I’m alone some time ago. If I’m going to screw my life up, I’m doing it on my own terms. Screw what anyone thinks. I don’t need validation from anyone other than myself.

Sat at my desktop, empty house, and just the sound of the tumble dryer in the background, I’m exhausted from trying not to have a meltdown. All I want is to sleep… Forever. I’m tired, so tired. I’ve had enough of being the ‘storm’. I’ve had enough of… Everything. I want to hide myself away where no one can find me. No more responsibilities, just no more.

I really don’t know what to do with myself.

That was yesterday. I put myself to bed early again last night and watched some Eracing on YouTube. I’m still depressed as hell. Why can’t I shake it this time? I’m still waiting for my mental health referral. I was told it could take up to two months.

Living the dream…

First day in my new job. It seems easy enough so far. Just memorising routines etc. Feedback at the end of the day was very positive. My trainer pulled me up on very little and seemed more than happy with my work so far. I definitely need another eye test though. It’s been a very long time since I needed to look at anything this closely. I’m using both my everyday and magnifying reading glasses. Having to switch between the two is bugging. It’s weird working in this environment again after so long despite it being quite familiar too. Sat in my car, pondering this new chapter, I wonder how this year will pan out?

Day four:

The last few days have gone pretty well. 99% of my feedback has been great. I just need to be more aware of my surroundings. Solder pasted circuit boards are so easy to smudge. Sub millimetre components are so hard to hand place! The staff seem friendly enough. It’s a very relaxed atmosphere here. One of the office ladies worked in the vaccination program too so it was nice to have a small connection with someone.

Sat in my car like every lunchtime now, I’m still wondering what the next months will hold. Pay day here is the middle of the month which is new. At least I won’t have to wait until the end of March. The thought occurs however, that I might not get a full month given that I started this week. Time will tell.

Day five.

So I’ve nearly complete my first week in this new job. By all accounts it seems like I’m smashing it in everything I’ve tried so far. I’ve not smudged a pasted board since yesterday morning. I think I’m getting the hang of not being so bloody clumsy.

Russia invaded Ukraine yesterday. Full on. Flashbacks to both gulf wars. I remember rewatching the news when both of them broke out. It’s sickening. Even civilians have been targeted. Putin threatened to react in a way we “have never before seen in your history.” Wow. How full on are we going to get. All joking about ww3 aside, it’s precarious to say the least. Coming from a Navy town, I know what will be targeted if the worst happens. It’ll be decimated along with most of the south coast.

A week later and the war in Ukraine has intensified. What has the world come to?

It’s Saturday afternoon now. I was on Zoom until 5am. I didn’t even join until 2am. My musical compadre came around and we watched Machine Heads happy hour while discussing Robb’s annoying habit of using slightly different tunings depending on the album/song. I found it amusing that Robb was using standard 440Mhz tuning last night.

I’ve now done two weeks at this new job. I still seem to be progressing well. They have the radio on there. Fortunately I can’t hear it too well. A few times, a trigger song has come on but I’ve been able to zone out from them. So far so good then. Let’s see what week three holds…

It’s Friday at last. An interesting one for sure. Storm Eunice has battered the South coast today. I’ve now lost three panes from my outhouse and even one of the new fence panels came out. Luckily it didn’t fly away and my neighbor and I are going to tag team it tomorrow.

Saturday. That was the worst storm I’ve seen since I was a kid. The worst has past, but it’s still too windy to attempt refitting the fence panel. My Princeling and I have just returned from the shops. I’m feeling a bit sleepy now we’ve eaten. I bet you can guess where I’m sat as I type. Yep. Feet up on the sofa. How new.

In a way, today is my working Sunday. I have my one shift at the vaccination centre tomorrow and my first day in my new job the next day. I’m trying to mentally prepare.

Yesterday, I had a tidy up in my bedroom. I don’t have enough room for all my clothes now so I emptied My Lady’s sock drawer and used that. I bagged her stuff up and put it in the wardrobe. Weird. Why the wardrobe? Much as I need to be a little practical, just removing My Lady’s socks kept triggering me. It’s been two years and I still feel guilty about moving any of her things… Still. I guess I thought that if I put the bag in the wardrobe, I’m not removing it as such, merely rearranging it. I still kept looking at the photos in front of her ashes crying though. My Princeling has no idea what I was going through though. My ability to hide my grief is highly developed now. It’s had to be. Being around the public for the last year, I’d be no good if I kept wandering off for a cry. Sure enough, it happened several times over the year but it wasn’t enough to cause any issues.

I’m listening to the meditation playlist I created in the months following My Lady’s death. It still holds my mind in one state. Not the happiest of mind sets, but it levels out the peaks and troughs.

Yet another new situation with the new job. I feel like I’m on the eve of another new life. So many huge changes have happened in the last two years. This new job I start on Monday will be my sixth in that time. So many settings, so many different people. After so much change and uncertainty, it will be good to finally be able to predict my finances beyond the next few weeks. In theory I’ll be secure there as long as I don’t screw it up. Not likely as I can do this stuff in my sleep. I’ll just need a little practise. That doesn’t worry me in the slightest. My vaccination work situation sounds a bit more reliable even if it is only for the next month anyway.

So on Friday it was two years since My Lady passed away. The days leading up to it were rough. Being at home so much hasn’t helped. The day itself wasn’t as bad as I expected. I made a big effort to distract myself all day. Somewhat successfully it seems. I had a moment in the afternoon, but I crushed it down yet again. I’m sick of it, regardless of the frequency.

I received a call from the agency in the week offering me a half shift at the vaccination centre today (Sunday). Of course, I snapped it up. My biggest problem at the moment is how I’m going to make the transition from weekly to monthly paid. It’s really not looking good. I need to find something over the next few weeks. I’m still waiting to find out if I’ll be paid by my new employer at the end of the month. After smashing the trade test in my interview last week, I start a week tomorrow. I doubt I’ll receive any pay as there’ll only be a week left of the month. Who knows what will happen?

Sat in my car on my break, pondering life the Universe Et al, numbers are pitifully low. The lead clinician is even giving out quizzes to help kill the time along with an extended break. I’ve been bonding with one of the floaters recently. We get on really well. Another lady who feels the need to confide in me over relationship issues. Ironic much. What the hell do I know? Much as I’ve learned many lessons the hard way since My Lady’s death, I’m in no position to advise anyone on their relationship. Still, I suppose it’s flattering that so many feel safe to disclose their personal information to me. Mostly ladies though. It’s always been like that since I was a teenager. Never did figure that one out.

Monday. Valentine’s day. I hadn’t even remembered until I saw a post on the closed widow group I’m a member of. Up early to take my Princeling to work on his first day in a new job, I was blissfully unaware for a couple of hours. Exhausted from the last weeks emotional ups and downs, I’m sat on the sofa bashing out this drivel again with the full intention of going to sleep shortly. I was going to go back to bed but I can’t even be arsed to go upstairs.

The last two weeks have been positive in some ways though… I guess. Since the first anniversary of the vaccination centre opening, a lot of us are making the effort to catch up. I’ve been for coffee twice to meet former colleagues. I even bumped into another colleague there doing the same thing. It’s strange being sat in the coffee shop looking at the fire station. The fire station centre closed last September but it’s still weird seeing it without all the vaccination setup. My experience’s there are burned into my soul forever. Never has a job affected me so profoundly.

On Saturday I attacked the outhouse. Determined to make some actual progress, I pulled everything out and piled it up in the living room. Halfway through the day, I stopped to help my Princeling get his bike running smoothly. Once that was done, I couldn’t be bothered to finish it and left some of it piled up indoors. Tired and miserable, I just sat at my pc for the rest of the day reading up on mixing and recording. My brain feels like an information sponge when in studio mode. I messed around, recording a few riffs to try the new techniques I had learned. I love it. Precious said a while ago that I should do a course in studio engineering. I think I will once things have settled. Assuming they ever do of course.

After my half day at the vaccination centre yesterday, I still couldn’t be arsed with finishing the outhouse. The items I left in the front room on Saturday are still there. It’ll get done today, but looking at it now, it’ll be later for sure. I’ve earned some rest. I’ll have a lot to do though as the housework is constant. I’ve no motivation to do it though.

I’d have expected to start crying by now given that it’s Valentine’s day. Having said that, it’s not unusual for it to kick in later in the day on shittyversaries. My Lady and I used to get a meal for two from M&S on Valentine’s day. Lamb shanks in a red wine sauce, potato gratin, and cream cakes for desert. This time it’ll be chicken pasta for the third day running. I cooked a load of it a few days ago and froze it in tubs. I’ve lost any interest in food again. Now my financial brain is in povo mode, I don’t even think about decent food any more. Thinking about it, I haven’t craved an Indian takeaway for a long time. Or a Chinese for that matter. My two favourite foods. It’s taken so long to train my mind to stop the spontaneous cravings for takeaway whenever I walk past these places. I’m still not quite there yet but it’s far far better. There was a point some time ago, that I would give in almost every time. It had to stop.

I’m off work all this week. I’m hoping I can get one or two cancellation shifts. Much at the house still needs plenty of work, I don’t relish the prospect of being home all day, quite aside from the background stress of not earning any money all week. Conversely, there’s a part of me that relaxes when I’m alone in the house. I guess I feel a little safe if I’m in my own bubble as it were. Hermit mode. No need for outside world contact. I don’t even want it. My eyes are heavy now, I’m so tired. Time for that hoodie nap. I’ll finish this later…

Tuesday. Nothing pressing to do. I practised my soldering skills on an old knackered NVR I still had lying around from my old tech support days last night. Just reflowing here and there. I’d never been able to get into the damn thing and had given up over a year ago. The thought occurred to me to de-solder the battery, boot it and see what happens. I could always get into one of the accounts but not the admin one which was locked. Without the battery, the login attempt count resets, even if the unit itself didn’t. After many tries, I gave up and tried a firmware update on it. I’d tried many times in the past to no avail, but this time it worked. Unfortunately it didn’t wipe the accounts. One last try, I thought, and then I’ll bin it and keep the hard drive. With the new software, I could reset it and low and behold, I now have a fully functional NVR that is now better that it was in the first place. Win!

Around the same time I was messing around with my PC to see if I could get my third screen working again. My bios has been screwed for months after it got corrupted and wouldn’t load. It automatically repaired itself from the backup. Trouble is, the default setting is with onboard display off, hence no third screen. I tried a few more times to reflash the bios, again, to no avail. I randomly found a live update button in the software I hadn’t noticed before so I clicked it. My bios works perfectly again now. It’s about time I had some luck with my PC, never mind in life. There are a few positive things that have happened recently. The car passed it’s MOT, I fixed the NVR (not easy), fixed my bios and I’ve landed myself a permanent job into the bargain. I should be happy shouldn’t I? No such luck.

All of the above fiddling around was purely a distraction. Valentine’s Day was crap. It always is. Precisely why I made a special effort to distract myself. Sleep or distraction, either works. For over a week now, I feel like I haven’t fully embraced how I feel about it being two years since My Lady died. I’m totally depressed, don’t get me wrong, but I expected to be screaming and crying at some point. I’ve had several cry’s, sure, but my mind seems to be blocking some of it this week. Obsessing over my finances makes me do my best to stay frosty and rocking back and forth, bawling my eyes out doesn’t get my bills paid. Weird. Can’t even believe I just said that. I don’t know what’s worse, being ok then screaming, then ok again, or being constantly depressed with the odd emotional freight train smashing into my head.

So now I’m sat at my PC going through all the bits of music I’ve created over the last two years. (More distraction). There’s a lot of it and not a single damn one of them is even close to finished. None of it has any vocals and only two have any lead to speak of. I like what I’ve done but I want it taken to the next level. I still want to write some songs about my lost love and grief. I have a smattering of words I wrote in the months after My Lady died, and the few people that read them, liked them. How the hell to make it into a song though? I have a clear concept but I need help from other artists. Maybe one day I’ll have the time.

I’m meeting Mrs Mumbled Musings in a couple of hours. She was one of My Lady’s closest work colleagues and we stayed in touch, on and off, since My Lady died.It’s been a surreal month to be sure. I’ve been in contact with many people and met up with several of them. After so long hermitting, it’s taking some getting used to. I’m trying to train myself to check in on everyone more. I hope they all don’t think I feel any less for them for not being in contact. This will be the third meet up in the last two weeks and my musical compadre is coming over tomorrow night too. Some people are, however, notable in their absence. One or two haven’t been in my home for over a year I think. No doubt it would be triggering after so long since their last visit, but still I hope to rectify that situation soon.

Enough of my babbling. I’ll have written a novel at this rate, not a blog post.

Later, friends. x

I nodded off after all last night. This morning I woke with an attitude on. Today I’m taking some me time. Sod what anyone else wants, other than Precious of course, being her birthday. No Dad’s Taxi, nothing. I’ll do us lunch and dinner but other than that, I’m off duty. It’s still cold outside but I’m trying to acclimatise by having the back door open. It wouldn’t hurt to air the house out today anyway.

I decided to fix some of the outhouse. I did a good job on the door. It’s so nice to be able to fully close the damn thing. I can feel the house warming up already. Halfway through fixing the door, I stop for a cigarette and check my email. Tomorrows shift has been cancelled. Of course it has. Why am I not surprised? Great, more stress. Job hunting we will go.

Me time? What was I thinking? How dare I even entertain the thought? I mean, give me a fucking break…

So I’m now sat here in the same position I was in a few months ago. Maybe my dear friend and adopted brother was right? Good money or not, a permanent position would at least give some stability to work from. I’m not even sure I want a tech job though, I don’t know why. I’m sick of the ‘make do’ vibe. Transferrable skills but no career. Same old, same old.

That was a few days ago now. I’m sat in the waiting room of the MOT centre. I hate this. If it fails badly I can’t afford to fix it. This is one reason My Lady got a nearly new car. We could afford it back then. Much as I’m handy with the spanner’s, there’s only so much I can do. Even aside from being able to afford parts, my tool kit is limited and getting old now too. I spent a couple of years self employed servicing cars. But it’s really not fun anymore, especially in the winter.

As I’m sat here I overhear a conversation the receptionist is having with a customer. “Oh I’m sorry for your loss.” Can I not get away from death for just a little while? Just hearing about someone dying is a trigger to varying degrees. One of my neighbours was killed in a car crash last month. I’ll never forget him. As we drove past him in the day of the funeral, he was stood at the side of the road, hand on heart and tears in his eyes. Hmm, just writing about that is triggering me a bit.

So let’s see what happens. Job wise, I might end up in the bread warehouse again just to fill the gaps.

So that was a while ago again. I had a job interview this week which I smashed out of the park and secured the role. Finally a break on the job front. Let’s see what life has in store now…

I can’t wrap my head around the idea that tomorrow it’ll have been two years since My Lady went into hospital, never to come out. Two… The triggers are all around me. It’s like I’ve been thrown back a year and a half emotionally. I’m sick of it already and the actual anniversary hasn’t even arrived yet. Oh… I just remembered… Valentines day was three days after My Lady died. At the risk of being repetitive, I hate this time of year… So much.

I just returned from the Post Office having sent Precious’ birthday package. I hope she likes it. My MOT expires next week so I have a test booked. I hope it passes, or at least an easy (cheap) fix if not. That really would be the icing on the cake if it fails badly. I can’t work without my car, simple.

My short term memory is atrocious at the moment. Many times over the last few days, I’ve been going round in circles, repeatedly remembering and then forgetting just as quick. It’s infuriating. Again, it’s like I was a year and a half ago. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been known for having a poor memory, but this is different. This is grief related memory loss. I’ve been through it many times, but not for quite a while. However bad I’ve felt in recent months, it shows me not only how far I’ve come, but how I’ve been relatively stable recently. Sure hasn’t felt like it though. I’m sick of feeling like I’m winging it all the time. Even though I am, constantly. I got into a lot of debt over the last two years grief spending. Shocking, looking back. Quite aside from not earning enough at times of course. It’s taken two years for the penny to drop. I’m actually poor. Again. I lost count how many times I said “No!” to myself walking around town. Burger, no. Costa, no. Chocolate, no. And so it went on. No, no, no, no… So many things we never even thought about back in the day. How lucky we were. How far we had come. How fucking depressing my life is now.

I’m sat at my PC bashing out this drivel when I could just as easily be doing something productive. As I said before, there’s always work to be done. Right now though? I couldn’t care less. Sat with my hood pulled as tight around my face as possible. I crave a hoodie nap. Unlikely. I should go and clean and check the car for the MOT but I can’t even be bothered to get up, never mind go out in the cold.

I stopped listening to emotional songs today. It wasn’t helping. Obviously. I doubt being sat here writing is helping either come to think of it. Time to try and shake this off.

I shall return…

So that’s another job done. I had to clean the bath/shower and when I did, I noticed the plug wasn’t draining. I have to clean some hairs from it every now and then but it was blocked. Gross. I guess I’m losing more hair than I realised. Great. To be fair, I haven’t gone right in with the sink un-blocker for a long time. A couple of whacks with the plunger and it was sorted. Time to cook food for my Princeling and then the next thing. Only I’m not sure what that will be yet…

Food cooked, my Princeling out and the house to myself now. What next? Oh yeah. Pain…

It’s too cold and I’m too depressed to force myself to do the outside jobs. The car, the outhouse. Ideally a bit of a garden tidy. Hopefully I’ll have the energy to tackle something tomorrow. I’ll do the car if nothing else. That can’t wait.

I’m on the sofa now. I can’t do it any more. My brain is melting. I’m trying to think if there’s anything else that had to be done today. I don’t think so. In that case I’m tapping out. I’m off duty for the rest of the day. The only thing left is to make my bed but I’ll do that when I crash.

Now I’m sat here, I don’t think I’ll be able to nap. My Princeling has a couple of friends over. Joy. All I want is to be on my own and switch off. Apparently I’m asking too much. Again. While I like that fact he feels he can bring friends home, I don’t want anyone in my house anymore. Obviously I have no intention of stopping his friends visiting, but I simply want to be left alone. No need to be a dutiful host. No need to even get dressed if I can’t be bothered. To be able to walk around my home looking like shit and it not mattering one bit. I wonder how long and how deep this latest depression will be? It’s not like I’m actively wallowing either. I’ve been fighting it constantly. Each time it’s starts, I get annoyed and crush it down for the most part. All well and good for keeping your shit together, but it’s utterly exhausting.

Despite everything my brain won’t shut up. Writing usually helps me offload some of the mental load but it isn’t working as yet. My eyes are heavy and sleepy but my mind keeps them open. How new. I also don’t want to fall asleep with his friends here. Even if it’s unfounded, there’s barely a living soul I trust with my home, and the thought of sleeping with two relative strangers here just doesn’t work for me. I can’t emphasise enough how much I have trust issues. The only living soul that never let me down once is gone. One person in 47 years. The odds of my living to 94 are remote, so that’s me done.

The more I think about the hermit vibe, the more I think I like it. I know a lot of these feelings are transient but this one keeps coming back.

I think I’m supposed to die alone. Seems legit. I’ve seen what that’s like from when I was a domiciliary nurse. Not palliative care but end of life care nonetheless. I hope I don’t have that in store for me. What a horrible situation to end up in.

Worst case though, that could be me in ten years. Maybe my spine is screwed after all. Nothing would surprise me. I was lucky not to be paralysed when I crushed my spine back in the day. If all I got was another ten or twenty years then I’ll be grateful most of them were with My Lady, Precious and my Princeling.

So what if my back is screwed? It’s just another thing I’ll deal with on my own. Maybe I should stop banging on about being on my own. It’s not like it’s going to change anytime soon. It’ll drive me crazy before long, if it hasn’t already. It’s quite the mental loop as you can tell.

Randomly, Work Husband text me asking how I’m doing. He has uncanny timing. So I tell him “shit” and he calls me straight away. Bless him. And after all my rambling on earlier too. His husband has covid so we can’t even meet after work.

After yet another drama, mission and solution, I finish my call with Work Husband. I’ve been trying to relax for hours now. It’s almost laughable. I nearly relaxed for a second earlier and instantly I felt myself drifting into sleep. A chat helped a bit. I just want to switch off. I can’t believe I’m still saying that. I’m actually going crazy.

I’m going to see if I can nod off…

Day four of five off work. I keep checking my work app to see if any more shifts have been cancelled. Pointless today, being Sunday of course. As long as I don’t drop below three shifts a week, it should be just about ok. It fast becoming apparent that the vaccine program is stalling. Very quickly too. Over the course of only a handful of days we went from vaccinating round two thousand a day to less than seven hundred. Numbers have dropped through the floor. So the penny drops, finally… I need another job. Again. I’ve been so focussed on the vaccine role that I stopped looking at what comes next. The months fly by so quick, and before long, I’ll be up a certain creek without a certain instrument… Again. After earning so well out of the vaccine roles, it’s going to be quite a dramatic drop in income.

I’ve spent so long in healthcare now and gained so much knowledge and so many healthcare certificates, it seems insane to me not to try and take it somewhere. I’m going to put it out there and see what happens. The Cosmos seems determined to do whatever the fuck it likes to me so let’s see what it brings this time. Have I not paid my dues? Am I not deserving of a break? Maybe even a little stability? Gods forbid. It just goes to show to me that Karma is utter nonsense. Bad things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people. We see it all the time.

I’m starting to realise that the soul food I get from my job is addictive. I can’t emphasise that enough. I look back over the last year, and even when things were truly awful, like when we had the inquest, I always felt a little better at work. My colleagues all felt the same. We had each others back too. A true team. The moments of comradery and empathy I saw and experienced was breathtaking at times. That “safe” feeling again. Strange, as hardly any of us have stayed in touch since. Doing a good thing like that, paid or not, makes me feel good. If I didn’t have to work, I’d probably have volunteered anyway.

That was a week ago. Over the last week, I’ve had various shifts cut and changed. More financial stress. I’ve had to do some crazy things to keep us above water over the last few months, but it has worked. So far.

The last few days have been an emotional nightmare. That emotional freight train keeps trying to rear it’s ugly head. Did I mention?…

I hate trains…

I’ve spent more time crying in the last 48 hours than I have in weeks, if not months. It’s Precious’ birthday at the end of the month. It also marks the second anniversary of My Lady going into hospital, never to come out. Two weeks after that it’s the second anniversary of My lady’s death. The triggers started early this time. I miss her so fucking much. It’s randomly hitting me, making me hyperventilate all of a sudden again and again. I’ve not had that since the early days. Everyone, even the doctor, thought my heart was going to give out back then. If only. Part of me still wishes it had. I’ve felt it slowly building since the run up to Christmas. I’m compelled to play emotional songs again. I can’t afford to wallow too much though. I’ve done a great job of hiding my turmoil from my Princeling but I don’t think I can hide it much longer. I’m starting to overreact to some things. The loneliness is getting unbearable. The only regular human contact I’ve had other than my Princeling, is with my colleagues and the patients at work. As you can imagine, as lovely as my colleagues are, I can’t truly be myself with them. Conversely, there are some new aspects of my personality that I only express at work. Weirdly, I could stay at work most days just to be around people I like and like me, when my Princeling isn’t home. There are a couple of colleagues that I’ve bonded with more than the rest. Hopefully I’ll get to keep at least one of them. I could do with a new and different friend in “real” life. The only people I see at home is my dear friend and adopted brother (rare) and my musical compadre. Talking of which he came round on Friday night. It was nice to watch the Machine Head Happy Hour with someone else for a change. We stayed up until stupid o’clock drinking (lightly), jamming and talking guitar all night. I always enjoy my evenings with him. Aside from him being a thoroughly decent chap, he and his partner are the only musicians I know. Work Husband lives in a different city so he can’t just drop in.

But that’s it. No one else comes to my home, ever. I’m racking my brains to see if I’m wrong but other than a visit by Work Husband a month or two ago, there’s been no one else. Nada, zilch, none. It’s getting on for years now. Crazy. Long gone are the days of fun socials, smoking and drinking and laughing all evening. We often liked to play Risk too. The memory feels like someone else’s sometimes. Weird… I know.

I noticed I’ve stopped checking in on people recently. No one is checking in on me either, apart from my musical compadre. Oh well. I’d already accepted that I was on my own in this new life I didn’t ask for, nor want, but I don’t have the emotional capacity to be a friend to anyone right now, never mind a good friend. It’s all I can do to not have a meltdown. They will all drift away at this rate. It’s been happening for months anyway, looking back.

Don’t misunderstand me. This is not a “poor me” control drama. Quite the opposite. I bear zero ill feeling to anyone. The whole world has their own mental health issues to deal with. I just find these things notable is all. It’s funny, when you accept you’re on your own and then life goes “True dat”. The thing is, no one can save me from my plight. That’s the whole point. Checking in or not, no one can feed what I crave. You have no idea what it’s like to crave something so bad, and yet knowing no one can fill the void. I’m also aware that I’m probably still emotionally vulnerable even now. I feel myself drawn to anyone who shows the slightest empathy. All platonic, male, female, old, young, but it freaks me out nonetheless. Every time it happens, I push it, and them, away again. Don’t bant it. But I do at the same time. I want something but I don’t know what. Will these contradictions ever end? The conclusion I’ve come to is that the best thing is for me to be a billy no mates hermit and get on with it.

I hate this time of year… So much.

Each time the emotional freight train hits, I crush it down but it’s taking longer and getting harder each time. It’s happened in the kitchen several times in the last couple of days and every time, I get a flashback to those early days, hyperventilating and desperately trying (and failing) to scream through my crying and yet at the same time trying not to make a sound so my Princeling doesn’t hear me. I haven’t felt like this for a long time. Yesterday was bad, real bad. In the end I got one of my guitars down and did my thing for a few hours. If nothing else, it was a useful distraction. I don’t practise anywhere near enough. I serviced my old Yamaha Pacifica recently and tuned it to E standard. E standard is the default tuning for most every day things. I’ve not played in E standard for a while and it was nice to play some Pink Floyd for a change, among other things.

My Princeling mentioned last night that he was going to to some mixing and maybe some vocals with his pal. It put the biggest smile on my face. Hearing him messing around upstairs inspired me to have a look at all the projects I’ve started and not finished (all of them) and I even added simple reggae riff over one of them. Seems I retained a lot of my 2020 guitar/recording journey. If you ever have an idea, record it straight away, even if it’s on your phone. So I did.

I finally told my Princeling I was struggling this morning. We had a talk about it and My Lady. We don’t talk about her much and it felt good to have a talk about her together, however brief.

Even as I type, I can feel the train trying to burst through, Aliens style. There’s only so much house work I can do to distract me. I’m going to have a crack at repairing the downstairs bathroom ceiling in a bit. It’s mad. It doesn’t matter how many days I have off, I could literally be working every moment I’m awake, if you include repairs and so on. It’s the pit stops that are the problem. The second I stop working, the thoughts burst in again. Sure, I can control them better these days but it’s getting so hard. I keep saying how much I hate this time of year and I do, lot’s, but there will simply be a different set of problems after that, no doubt just as stressful. Ad infinitum. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to relax financially? Even if I end up on a poor salary, any stability would be just what I need. I can find other ways of clearing my debt even if my wages are poor but reliable.

I’ve spent the last few hours repairing the ceiling. It’ll never look right, as the rest of it has swirled artex but at least its fixed and I can paint it. It just needs sanding first. The painting can wait. I don’t even know if we still have white emulsion. I did dinner while it was drying. I cooked a chicken pasta the other night and tubbed three portions up.

I noticed last night when in bed that my phone had an alarm set for 4:20 am. What the hell? No wonder I’m not sleeping well. How did I not know though? Whatever. I’m sending Precious’s birthday package today for her birthday tomorrow. It really doesn’t seem like much. I wish I could do more. So tomorrow starts the two weeks of anniversary hell. Two whole weeks. I try not to wind myself up over it but it’s hard. Flashbacks aplenty this time last year and they started earlier this year. All I can think about is getting through the two weeks without being sectioned.

Well, it’s New Years eve. I have today and tomorrow off, then back to work. I’ve been hunting around for LFT tests all morning. None of the pharmacies have any, nor do they know when they will get more. I ordered some on the government website days ago. Sure, in any other situation I could simply minimise outdoor contact etc, but I work in a vaccination centre. We have to do daily LFT tests regardless of whether we are working or not. It’s getting real serious now. Over 180k cases reported just yesterday. The ops manager said it’s ok for one day if I can’t find any as I have raised it with management. Phew.

It seems I’m starting to become more part of the team now. Not only was the scary ops manager super helpful, she is being genuinely nice to me after initially coming across as quite harsh. More and more of my colleagues are starting to come and engage with me now. Seems I’m liked here too. Who knew? I’m enjoying it much more now. I’m comfortable with the system now and am quite efficient. All my vaccinators have been lovely in one way or another. I’m starting to feel at home again… I almost forgot how much soul food this job gives me. It’s recharged me on so many levels. Despite the long hours, I’m more lucid these days. Obviously being a vaccinators admin, my accuracy is absolutely vital. I record vaccinations on the NHS database. The fire station was a soul food feast, and just when I needed it, but it was rarely mentally taxing. Now I’m doing the admin, my brain has woken up.

Over the last few weeks, my thoughts have started moving away from survival mode and more towards pushing forward in life. Both the kids and I are earning a lot more money now and I intend for us to live a little in 2022. Regardless of what variant appears, I struggle to believe that all of these mass vaccination centres will be open indefinitely. “Make hay while the sun shines.” as they say. After the gig my Princeling and I went to and after chatting with Precious, we are all in agreement that in the coming year, we should go to lots of gigs. There are still tickets to the Manchester Machine Head gig next September. £53 a ticket and a 4 hour drive each way. I think I can actually afford it now. I’m still hesitant though as I’ve been trying so hard to stop spending, as any of you regulars know, but after the last year and a half, how can I not go? It’s something I’ve wanted to share with my Princeling all along too.

So it’s a few days later now and I purchased tickets for my Princeling and I to see Machine Head this September. I need to sort out travel (it’s in Manchester) and decide if we are going to stay up there or not. My Headcase family are having a big meet there. Even some of my friends from America are going to be there. It’s going to be insane.

Today is my fourth twelve hour shift in a row. I’m pretty tired now, as are my colleagues. I’m on a four on, four off shift pattern now so I have four days off to enjoy. I can’t wait to catch up on sleep. Rest tomorrow and I’m going to deep clean the house after. It’ll be nice to have a spotless house for once. I also need to carry out some repairs and do a dump run with all the crap from the garden I’ve ignored all winter.

Friday now. I definitely needed a whole day of rest. I slept until 11am yesterday, then had a four hour nap in the afternoon. I didn’t even go to bed late last night either. I feel quite refreshed for a change and up around 8, so plenty of time for the deep cleaning. I’m pulling the furniture out and all sorts. I’m sick of living in a messy house. My Princeling is off work sick today, so I’m in stealth mode so he can sleep. I was worried we could have caught Covid, and I’m still not 100% sure we haven’t, but I do lateral flow tests every day for work and it’s all been ok so far. On my last shift, my colleague next to me had a bad headache, I’ve had one on and off for a couple of days and now my Princeling has one. Headaches are just one of the symptoms ascribed to the Omicron variant. I hope we don’t have it. Having to isolate now would screw us financially, just at the time where the increased pay will fend off the debt while I get a longer term plan in place.

It’s Sunday now. But it’s actually Sunday. Four days off has been a strange experience after working so much for so long. It’s given me time to really think about the way forward. Looking back over the last 2 years, financially speaking, how the hell I’ve kept us afloat I have no idea. I’ve been haemorrhaging money ever since My Lady passed away. Now is the time, while I’m earning good money, to start paying it all back. Somehow. To some, my total debt amount may seem trivial, but to me it’s a lot and something I refuse to let get any more out of control, because it was, out of control that is. Survival mode isn’t working any more and it wasn’t sustainable in the first place. That much is clear now. It’s time to push forward. As ever though, the big questions is: In what direction?

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in recent months, it’s that the direction isn’t always important. The bills are paid, our stomachs are full and even my soul is being fed with my role at the vaccination centre. I’m making friends again, just like at the fire station. I’ve been shown such empathy at times too. Again. Last week there was a young lady with a 9 month old baby in a pushchair come for her vaccination. My vaccinator goes through the usual screening questions and, as she is drawing the vaccine, she asks if he is her first child. The lady goes on the say she lost her first baby and that her father passed away the week this one was born, and then burst into tears. Wow. It was like a dagger through my heart. Of course, being a consummate professional (lol), my “I’m fine” mask didn’t even twitch. Inside however… It hurt, so much. Once the lady had composed herself and left, my vaccinator put her arm around me and just gave me a hug. I hadn’t even looked up from my screen throughout, but she knew. It’s moments like that, when you realise once again how special some of the clinical staff are. I genuinely felt looked after. Safe. After everything I’ve been through, that means so much to me. I’d forgotten how “safe” felt. It’s obviously not the same as the safe I felt with My Lady, granted, but still it fed something that has been so starved for so long. It felt good, really good even if it was fleeting. And to think I’m even being paid for this!

It’s just gone five pm. We’ve had a Sunday roast, washed up and all cleaned down already. Well, I washed and cleaned but whatever. Pedant much. Tumble dryer and washing machine still churning away in the background as I type. Chilled deep house playing at the same time. Three days at home and it’s still been constant. I don’t count the first day off as that was recovery day. Being off for four days has given me a chance to really think life through, and I’m not happy with myself. Not one bit. I hadn’t realised how I was still living in a bubble. I checked the dates on some of the cans and jars in the fridge and cupboard… Some of it would have been there when My Lady was still here. Still…

Enough now. I’ll probably come full circle again in another eight days after not doing any housework for four, but I have to break this damn cycle. One thing that has buoyed me in the mornings is that I’m travelling to work just before sunrise, and now it’s getting noticeably lighter on my way to work. That always lifts my spirits. Summer is on it’s way. How I do miss Summer…

I guess there’s not much left to do tonight. Nice to be ahead of the game for once. I’ll have a shower in a bit. I need to smell divine again. Typical that I’m actually starting to relax now and I’m working tomorrow. I’m having a beer now my chores are done. Weirdly I only had one beer Friday night and I was up until gone half three. Much as I like the odd beer here and there, I rarely, if ever aim to get completely drunk. I can never decide if it’s quantity (rarely) or regularity (less qty) that constitutes an alcohol problem. If I only drink once a week but get hammered, is that any better than sipping one every other evening? Having had an alcoholic mother, I don’t feel in any danger of becoming one myself. I never have. Sure, I had to have a chat with myself when I realised I was drinking almost daily, however little. ‘Aberrant behaviour’ as My Lady used to say, and she was right. She was always bloody right and I always knew it. She knew me better than I did. So yeah, now I try to look at myself through her eyes wherever possible and hold myself to her standards as much as I can. I’ll fail miserably at times of course, but I’ll always try. It’s just one small way of keeping her alive in me. Still, nearly two years after My Lady died, all I can think off when cleaning the chrome taps is how she loved shiny chrome taps. Might seem a silly thing, but it was always like that. When I was a househusband, it was ALL about that. Making the home nice for her when she always worked so damn hard. It still makes me sick that she did all that work and reaped none of the benefits. Ugh. At the risk of being repetitive, life’s such a bitch sometimes.

Tuesday: It’s pretty quiet at work today. Over half my time has been spent chatting with my colleagues. I’m leaving early today. My epilepsy medication has been in short supply at my local pharmacy and they are always closed when I’m not working. I took my last tablet today so I’m potentially in trouble if I still can’t get them today.

Living the dream…

I’ve been given many more shifts at the Ding vaccination centre. The agency dealing with it also has the Bury centre on their books. Fortunately bread has been happy to facilitate my doing both jobs. Two jobs… Had it really come to this? It certainly had.

With the Omicron variant turning up, the war cry has been sounded. The booster program has rocketed. The next 6-7 weeks, my vaccination rota is packed with 12hr shifts.

So it’s time to move on from the bread warehouse. Finally. Ironically, my fitness levels are such that I’ve started treating it like a gym workout. I need to start working out at home, or I’ll either waste away again or get fat. Neither are particularly appealing. I’m stretching the shoulders in most of my t-shirts now. I won’t lie, it’s a good feeling. My arms still look like sticks but at least I’m relatively healthy now. It’s quite shocking looking back at how underweight and unfit I was. Skeletal almost. Not pretty at all.

I’ve grown to like a handful of my bread colleagues. All of them are the young ones, in their twenties. Weird. When I was their age, I used to hang out with forty somethings. All the older people here are miserable buggers. And I thought Mr Grumpy Fuck was bad. A few days ago, I’m working my cute little ass off as usual, humming along with my favourite Cory Taylor songs, when I hear Mr Petulant bitching and moaning about us having not done anything again and again. I wasn’t even pissed off, but I just burst out shouting “I’m not fucking lazy, I’ve been working my ass off all day, get fucked!!” Excuse the expletives but for me to go from happily singing along with my work to full on bellowing at the top of my voice tells you a lot. From behind a load of bread stacks, he shouts back “Come and say that to my face and see what happens.” “Really?!” I say to him. “Pathetic. Why don’t you go back to your school playground?” Peace was made quick enough, but it made me realise that all my tolerance for aggressive behaviour is next to zero now.

So I’m sat outside smoking in my last break at the warehouse with the girl I’ve been working with. I’ll miss her. We’ve had a lot of laughs together. Bless her, she said she will miss me too. I’ve helped her through a lot of stress recently. So, finally… No more bread.

So, in my infinite wisdom I (on autopilot) thought it might be a good idea to grab a couple of xmas bits in town. I must have gone into Lush when there was a lull in customers as while I was in there, I turn around and all of a sudden it’s packed. Apart from my nearly having a panic attack, (shades of last year) the worst bit was the staff were walking around with a box of chocs offering them out. I was gobsmacked. Sure, I’ll just dip my fingers in that box… Jebus! At that point, I bailed and got the hell out of there. Honestly… It was mental. What was I even thinking?!… Clearly I wasn’t. Half the time, I don’t even know what day it is! Last Saturday before Christmas… Muppet. What did I expect? Despite the new rules, I’d guess at least 25% of the people I saw out and about in the mall had no mask at all, and many of them had their mask covering only their chins. I can’t imagine how many new infections took place just today. If I wasn’t doing daily LFT’s already, I would be now. I was genuinely scared. Walking along with my hands stuffed firmly in my coat, stress squeezing the sanitiser in my hand like a stress ball and visualising an energy bubble around me. Funnily enough, it was around 2 metres all around me. I got out of there less than ten minutes after my arrival. I’ve not felt like that for ages.

#stayawayfromtown #lessonlearnt #neveragain #wtfiswrongwithpeople

Thursday now. It’s Christmas eve tomorrow. A deep wave of depression has come over me this morning. I just want Christmas out of the way now. I’ve just put up the Christmas tree. The power supply for the lights wasn’t in the box. Figures…. The only reason I’m doing any of this is my attempt at making Christmas as painless as possible for the kids. I’d completely ignore it otherwise. Selfish? Of course. My flavour of depression does that I’ve found. I never figured out why, but I have always been a little selfish at times anyway. I have to push myself to check in on people. I guess if I didn’t care, I wouldn’t even do that much.

Christmas this year is a financial shit show as much as an emotional one. There were issues with the timesheet portal and I’m getting my wages late. Like Christmas eve late. I’ve always been useless at Christmas even when I’ve had money, let alone having to get presents on Christmas eve. The kids will be getting mostly money this year. They know the score though. Bless them.

My Princeling made a very astute observation today. I’ve been going on about having so much to do, yet I’ve pretty much been at home all day intermittently doing the odd bit of housework. He said that maybe half of it is just my mental load. Possibly… I have so many things in my head at any given time, I all I want to is to tick them all off. I am a supreme pontificator at times though, so most of them won’t get done. Todays depression has been debilitating which makes it worse. Work husband could tell as soon as he saw me today. We met earlier so I could collect a PS4 from him for my Princeling. It’s always nice to see him, even if it’s only for 5/10 minutes.

So it’s 6pm. I’m sat on the sofa bashing out this drivel, feeling alone and sorry for myself. How new. To be fair though, thinking about it, I don’t do this as often any more. Quite aside from whether I have time to laze on the sofa, I’ve not felt the urge to “hoodie” nap for some time. Well, I’m feeling it now!

Even knowing that I’ll be seeing my dear friends and adopted brother and sister tomorrow doesn’t make me feel any less alone. I don’t have anyone visit me for weeks, sometimes even months at a time.It’s weird you know, my working in a job where I talk to hundred’s of people every day, yet I feel so, so alone at home and in life. Conversely, I’m not sure I would want anyone else living here with us anyway. In any capacity. Other than Precious of course. I’ll actually be living on my own before too long. My Princeling plans on getting a car and his own place as soon as he can. To his credit, he has got his act together after his first job and has been saving very well for his car. So proud of him. I always hoped that when he went out into the real world, that he would adapt quickly and with out too much stress. Much like the rest of the family, he’s had quite enough of that.

The point is, I have “Empty Nest Syndrome” to look forward to, on top of this horrific loneliness that continues to get worse. No one I know could help me with the loneliness even if they wanted to. Don’t get me wrong, I’m always pathetically grateful for any company when it arrives, even if I don’t always show it. It’s horrible though, I’m desperately, desperately lonely and yet the kind of interaction I crave is not appropriate with anyone. After all, My Lady’s gone now. It’s not about sex though. Just being around the one that knows you better than anyone and vis versa… I’ve not spent more than a few hours with anyone outside work in well over a year and a half. I never get to the point where I truly relax. Other than with my Irish friend and musical compadre. We don’t socialise often, but when we do it’s usually a long/late one. This is the only exception.

I’m sinking further and further into the sofa as I type. Guess I might nap after all…

And sure enough, I did. It’s a few hours later now. I think I’ll play Battlefield 1942 for a bit and go to bed. Today can go away now. I don’t like it very much…

Tuesday. My Sunday. I’m sat on the sofa again, feet up, back at this drivel again. I had my booster yesterday. I bumped into a couple of colleagues from the fire station while I was there which was nice. My arm hurts a lot more than the last two times. I’m feeling pretty rough. I want to hibernate. Lock myself away from the world and give my mind and soul some rest. Alas, as ever, I can’t. Finances hit rock bottom this month. I’m so tired of the constant change. To the point where I even considered, for a second, staying at the warehouse as there’s no way I’d get laid off. They are still desperate to get the day shift in order.

As per their request, I emailed the recruiters for the military contract. Nothing. Not even a get stuffed, you were shit. Rude… So, next move… Only I didn’t have one. Weirdly, it was at this time I received a call from the agency dealing with the Ding vaccination centre to check I’m still available and up for it. No way. After all this time? I had totally given up on it some time ago. After a second call to discuss hours and so on, I have my first batch of shifts. I’m sifting through them to figure out how many hours I’m getting, as it seems they weren’t listening too well when I told them I wasn’t available Saturday mornings.

Friday now. Within the first hour, Mr Grumpy Fuck pissed me off twice in a row. I refuse to stay pissed off over some pathetic excuse use for a human being, so I went for a cigarette. “Sue me.” I said to him. My filter is failing me badly recently. I’m running out of fucks to give too. I’m not paid enough to put up with his petty shit. Or anyone else’s for that matter. I don’t ask much. Just the basic respect any decent human being would give to any person, stranger or not. It seems I’m a bit unusual like that. My attitude is to be respectful and nice to all unless given a reason to be otherwise.

I finally heard back from last week’s interview. They loved me but have changed their plans to take anyone on but would definitely want me if that changed. Bloody waste of my time and fuel going in the first place then. I have another interview on Monday. 5 minutes from home, Monday to Friday, temp to perm and one street away from my old tech support job. Perfect. Fingers crossed for that one.

Lunch time. I decided to get tonight’s beer with my lunch today. No happy hour tonight so our zoom meeting will be earlier. Still working tomorrow but hopefully it will be one of the last times I do.

Last break and Mr Grumpy Fuck is making an effort again. Fair. I found out he is in a lot of pain with his feet. Pain will make one grumpy for sure but don’t take it out on me. I’m not taking anyones shit ever again. Hard to be sympathetic if he won’t get it looked at.

So, nearly finished today. I put my anger into my work this afternoon. It definitely helped. It’s a proper workout. I can feel my shoulders growing. I’m many times stronger now. When this job ends I’ll need to work out at home. I’ll just end up even more depressed otherwise. Talking of which I started taking vitamin D again this week. I hate winter now. Lots.

I have so much going on at the moment. My life could turn in any direction and almost certainly will.

Sunday: My first shift at the Ding vaccination centre. Twelve hours. It’s been a while since I’ve been standing around all day. At the warehouse, I’m working out all day. I was originally supposed to be working on the admin team, but they were short on entrance marshal’s so I’ve been there all day. Bumped into three friends from the fire station and they gave me a tour of the place and went through the processes in place. After a while I got back into the swing of things. It’s mad how quick you get out of practise interacting with the public. I was nervous at first all over again, just like when I started at the fire station. Near the end of my shift, Work Husband, who has recently moved in with his hubby’s parents down the road, met me after work and we went for a quick drink. It was so good to see them both.

Tuesday: The interview yesterday didn’t go as well as I’d hoped. Feeling quite nervous, I had a shaky hand throughout. I had to use tools I hadn’t used before and others I hadn’t used in years. It wasn’t difficult, but I had to get two cables assembled in half an hour. Regardless if the time scale, my attempt wasn’t very accurate. Annoyingly, if I could have done it the way I always do at home it would have been perfect. Instead of using a big clunky wire stripper, I’d use the scalpel with a steel rule. But no, obviously it has to be done their way and fair enough. It’s difficult as the place is only five minutes from my home, but the pay is really poor. I am getting shifts at the vaccination centre now AND I still have my warehouse job. Ideally, I could go semi part time at the warehouse and fill the rest of the week with the vaccination centre work.

My mind is swimming, trying to figure out what the best move would be. As my Princeling mentioned, it’s a good problem to have but the anxiety I get from trying to figure out what to do is as crippling as ever. Bloody annoying is what it is! It drives me nuts. It always has. Pontificating is a well known trait in the male side of my family but I think I’ve taken it to a new level, unfortunately.

Had my Irish friend over last night. First time for quite a while. Sometimes, months can go by without a single person visiting. By the same token, it’s been months since I went to anyone else’s home. I wonder how long that vibe will continue. Why would it change if I do nothing about it though? Simple, it won’t. Still, after so long after the pandemic started, most of us have got used to not even thinking about socialising. I certainly have. It’s compounded by the fact that I recently accepted that I have no one to help me, no one to fall back on. I truly am alone. Without my Princeling, I don’t know if I’d go completely nuts, monty python hermit style. I talk to colleagues and text my close ones but that’s not the same.

Sat on the sofa with Mr C snuggled up to me while I bash out further drivel. Yesterday I had a four hour nap after the interview. I’m feeling a little sleepy now too. When will this constant exhaustion end? Bored now.

I’d love to be able to shake this downer off. My time at the vaccination centre over the last year kept me relatively sane and happy, looking back. I still haven’t contacted my GP. I haven’t heard back about my back scan after it was discovered that I have reduced density in my spine. Probably should chase that up. Could be something for which I have to change my lifestyle to accommodate, quite aside from being totally failed by the metal health team, both at the surgery and ITalk.

Time for another hoodie nap…

Halloween… The 14th anniversary of My Lady’s and my civil wedding. I hate Halloween now. Don’t bant it. It’s the second anniversary without My Lady. Fortunately I’m at work today and the first few hours have been so mental, I’ve not had time to over think it. Same as most other shittyversaries, I don’t quite remember the day’s significance when I first wake up. As soon as I take my break, those thoughts and memories start poking me. As the day progresses, I get more and more irritable. I really don’t want to be there any more. Finally, the shift ends and I can get the bun out of there. Once I’m home and there was nothing to do, I hit the alcohol. Just the beer at first and not particularly quickly at first. Once the buzz kicked in however, that was that. I necked that can and dug out the cheap and nasty blended whiskey I still had while opening my last can. I didn’t even bother with a glass, I just glugged it from the bottle. Big glugs too. Wtf is wrong with me? Fortunately, there wasn’t a lot left so there was only so far I could go. Despite that, I found myself very drunk, very quickly. I won’t lie, it was what I needed, when I needed it. I’ve not done so much wallowing recently, I’ve not had time, but I indulged it fully last night.

This morning I’m still really sad, but not nearly as bad. Numb to some extent too. I’ll take numb over yesterday, any day. The hangover wasn’t fun though. It’s been quite a while since I’ve had a hangover. My pain killers have kicked in and I’m doing housework before going to do another small povo shop. As ever, the housework has gone to shit again. I’ve been so knackered and depressed, I still can’t face housework after work. All I want is sleep. Living the dream…

I received a call from a technical recruitment agency this week. Building and repairing military devices. I just got the call to say that they would be “delighted” to have me in for interview this week. Thank the gods. A way out of the warehouse and having to work weekends potentially. I can’t remember the last time I had a full weekend off. Fingers crossed.

Wednesday now. Mr Grumpy fuck is back and the other temps haven’t turned up so I’m stuck on my own with him. Joy. I think he managed about an hour before he slipped into his miserable vibe. Dickhead. I’m so intolerant of this shit now. I thought I heard a guy on the next shift saying we were lazy. I immediately retorted “I’m not f***ing lazy!”. It was out of my mouth before I could stop it. The guy did chill out at that point though. Whatever. My verbal filter really isn’t working right now and you know what? I really don’t give a damn.

Thursday: Just me and Mr Grumpy fuck again this morning. I’m finishing at twelve as I have the interview at two. This morning can’t go quick enough. I woke still ill and the slightest exertion had me breathing heavily. I can feel a slight twinge in the top right of my chest as I breath in. The thought occurs to me: ‘What if it is Covid? If is is Covid, then how am I going to fare?’ It doesn’t help that I received a text from the NHS saying “As you are at risk of having complications with Covid-19, you are a priority to have your Covid-19 booster.” Complications? What kind of complications? Only last year I was told I “have the lungs of an eighteen year old”. As I said previously, my booster is booked of course. Since then I have received three texts from my GP surgery, banging on about getting my booster. The only complication I can foresee is the financial complication of having to isolate and lose all that money. All this is swirling around in my mind as I huff and puff the bread stacks around, getting more and more out of breath and more and more worried about the same thing happening to me that happened to My Lady. Vaccinated or not, it’s the first time I’ve been worried about my health since the worst time of my life started. I remember well how My Lady’s breathing was, like it was five minutes ago.

Anyway, the interview went ok. The interviewer said he would recommend to his boss that they give me a try. So why am I not chuffed to bits? I found out in the interview that the initial contract is only expected to last until just before Christmas. Probably the worst time to be out of a job. I know. The place looks very well organised and particularly clean. As I’m shown around on the way out, several people say hi. Seems friendly enough. I could work with this stuff. Disappointingly, he said there would be little to no soldering involved and asked if it would bother me being given odd jobs at first. Maybe I’m weird but I keep getting the impression from workplaces that many people would refuse to do some job or another if they didn’t like it for whatever reason. Do you want the job or not? If so, grow a pair, shut up and crack on. Sure, there are some disgusting jobs that no one would enjoy. Take the bread waste for example. Totally minging. So what? Get the contract done and move on instead of being a whiny pussy about it all. It annoys me, lots. I’ve gone from a secure, comfy, interesting and stimulating job to that Covid factory to giving personal care to people with Parkinson’s, to pushing bread around among the rats and mould. I’ve had to do whatever I can to pay the bills, whether I hated the job or not, and believe me, I hated the Covid factory job. Drug addicts, thieves, alcoholics and psychopaths and sat right next to the hospital that My Lady died in. Yet still, I stuck it out because I had to. What’s the point in bitching and whining? The only thing that achieves is making yourself unpopular, unhappy and most likely ending up with a boot out the door.

So despite the apparent successful interview, the interesting products and environment, if anything, I’m a little disappointed. I’m less secure there. At the warehouse, as miserable and disgusting as it is, it’s highly unlikely I’ll be laid off from there any time soon. They have such a high staff turnover, they’ve seemed quite pleased that I’ve stayed.

I’m sat chilling on the sofa bashing out this drivel. I feel a little strange after the interview. It’s been many years since my last. I definitely need to up my game and change my approach in my next interview. I’m so out of practise. Well as ever it’s a case of suck it and see. I’m starting to feel ill again and sleepy too. I sense another hoodie nap coming. And there it is… The depression. Always under the surface. Hateful creature that it is.

Living my best life…

So… Friday has come again at last. I’m still working weekends and it’s really taken the edge of my happy Friday vibe. It’s the only real socialising I ever do. Just one decent evening/night a week. Not much to ask for is it? Well financially, it would seem it is. It sucks. Fingers crossed I can get the military job. Monday to Friday, overtime at weekends IF I want it. I’ve not had a full weekend off for months I think.

Tonight is the halloween special happy hour. Halloween can get stuffed, again. It would have been our 14th anniversary. To be honest I just want to drown my sorrows and pretend it’s just another day. The porch light will be off so no one comes trick or treating. I don’t care, I don’t want it. It’ll be the second anniversary without My Lady.

I might don the pink robe and clam shades but that’ll be it. The show sometimes finishes as late as 1am my time and that’s before we even zoom. So you see my problem… I truly resent it but, as ever, the bills need paying and working weekends is the only way that can happen at the moment.

Saturday now. I slept through everything last night. I’ve been so tired. I had a hoodie nap around half eight and my Princeling woke me up at 12:45am. I watch the very last song of the show then went to bed without even talking to my subsfam or even going on Zoom.

I don’t know how long I can keep this up. I’m really hoping one of these jobs happens. The vaccine centre job looks like a no go, certainly for full time hours. Not had a single shift come through. Might be time to let that whole vibe go, for now at least. It’s starting to feel like I’m flogging a dead horse there.

Mr Grumpy Fuck hasn’t been in all week. Work has almost been pleasant without him here. I get on with pretty much everyone else. I’ve even had a genuine laugh on occasion. Still as today has progressed, I’ve felt more and more down. I don’t know why particularly today. I’m not even that gutted about missing last night, which is very strange for me. I really can’t be arsed with the rest of the day. Once I’ve cooked dinner later I might just go to bed again.

So once I cooked dinner I didn’t go to bed. I decided to play guitar for a while. The Jackson was tuned to Eb so lots of slayer, and quite a few more chilled songs. It definitely helped. I feel better than I did in the last hour or two at work. Now I have gone to bed. Of course having a full guitar workout isn’t going to help me sleep but what else is new? At least I don’t feel as depressed.

Well, I’m going to try and sleep, maybe to some Yoga music.

Night friends. X

Well, this depression is really kicking my arse at the moment. Couldn’t sleep last night and I’m really not in the mood for anyone’s crap. I definitely need to contact my GP. It’s getting worse. It’s still up and down/on and off but the average isn’t good.

Saturday now. Last night was a banger. Only had one beer. I had a great time. 2am and up at 6:50am. I wonder how long I can keep that up? My dear friend and adopted brother came round last night. He spend the evening with me and we had our usual good chat. It’s weird. When he’s around I feel more at home, much like when my dear friend and adopted sister or work husband come round. Socials have been so scarce over the last year or so. It takes me back to before My Lady passed away. I don’t know how I’m going to make it so my adopted sister, My Lady’s best friend, won’t be triggered too much when she eventually visits. Sometimes I wonder if she would rather not come here at all if it triggers her. I’m sure that’s not the case though as we are very close.

Sunday now. Lunchtime. I’ve been ditching all the waste bread today. Call me crazy if you like but I volunteered for it. I’ve spent all year working outside and if there’s one thing I found out in the last year and a half or so, is that I don’t need company at work, much as I like meeting new people. I’m ‘happy’ in my own skin. I never thought I’d ever be able to say that, never mind actually believe it. It’s very liberating. I became the person I had to to survive, and I’ll never apologise for that. To the point that if people don’t like it, they are quite welcome to leave my life. Very few of my closest actually know me any more. Of course the core me is still there and always will be, but I’ve overwritten so much of that man, I wonder what people will/would really think of the new me having known me for so long. The recently new people in my life have said all sorts of wonderful and insightful things about, and to me. This is all part of the catharsis in February/March I told you about.

Much as I despise the old flaky me and am still riddled with guilt over my failings to My Lady and the children, I am finally becoming a little proud of how I’ve been in the last six months or so. I genuinely couldn’t give a damn who likes me or or not. I don’t need any affirmation from anyone as to whether I’m a decent chap or not. I saw a meme of Facebook yesterday. It said: “Some people will think I am a beautiful soul and some people will think I’m a cold hearted asshole. Believe both, I act accordingly.” Pretty accurate these days. People can think what they like. They will anyway.

Wednesday now. I got a call about a couple of jobs today. Sounds right up my street. Repairing military devices. Let’s see how that goes.

Thursday now. The week is flying by. I woke up thinking it was Friday however. That’s so bugging. Work has been almost pleasant today. Two new temps helping me out and they seem decent enough guys.

Time to publish this. At the rate I’m going this post will end up covering a few weeks!

Laters friends. X