Due to my having the snip after my toxic marriage, My Lady and I couldn’t have kids. I’m sure we would have had a few otherwise. We decided to have fur babies instead. My Lady already had two cats, Mr S and the Darkest of Stars. We found a beautiful Irish Border Collie. He was four months old. When we went to see him, he was so ecstatic to see us he pee’d all over the floor. Strange as it sounds, that is exactly the response one would expect from a beautiful soul when they are only four months old. We were instantly smitten. What a beautiful bundle of joy he was.

Back then I was still recovering from a crushed vertebra sustained when I had a seizure in a car. There was no hope of going back to work and for a time it was thought possible that I might end up in a wheelchair one day. Being a Border Collie, obviously he needed a lot of exercise. I spent hour after hour out and about with him. We all did. We took a ball flinger with us and he used to run like a racehorse after it. He was lightning fast. After a couple of years of the daily workouts for both of us, I recovered enough to go back to work. I doubt I would have got there without him. I’ll be eternally grateful to him for that. I honestly thought I’d never work again.

He had so much joy in him, it was infectious. Without exception, he was delighted to meet everyone he ever came across. He never once growled, or was aggressive to anyone or anything. He made us all so happy. Such a handsome boy too. Although not kennel club registered, he was a pure breed. I still can’t believe how lucky we were to have him.

By the time My Lady died, he was eleven years old. Not long before she died we did some research on how to look after him later in his life. We found out to our dismay that the average life expectancy for his breed was ten to thirteen years. They are known for their back legs giving out later in life too. There was no sign of it at the time though. A couple of years later though the signs were there.

He would just flop into his bed when we got home from his walk and wouldn’t get up for at least an hour. In the back of my mind, I couldn’t help thinking that the clock was ticking. After all the death in my life I was, and still am, hyper aware of any signs of ill health in anyone. I changed his food and gave him supplements to aid his stiff back legs.

Eventually it got to the point where he couldn’t walk far at all and would just refuse to walk further after a short distance unless it was in the direction of home. He just didn’t want it.

Late in the evening last Saturday, I let him out for a pee as usual. After a while I realised he was taking much longer than usual. When I went out to see what he was up to, he was just laying down in the muddy grass, staring into space. I got him in and checked him over. He seemed a bit dozy but other than that he seemed ok. Shortly after, I went to bed having decided to see how he was in the morning. When I woke up, I came downstairs and he was exactly where I left him. He hadn’t moved an inch.

My heart sank. I checked him over again and he couldn’t move his back legs.. At all. I knew at that point that something serious had happened and it wasn’t going to go well, whatever the prognosis.

I called the vet and they agreed it wasn’t good and the chances were that it was the end for him. I kind of knew this anyway. I’ve been in this situation enough times to know.

I still don’t have a car so I asked my neighbor if they would be kind enough to give us a lift to the vet. We have a great relationship and help each other all the time so they were more than happy to help. I had to carry Mr C to the car and into the vets when we got there.

After his examination the vet confirmed the worst. He had most likely had a stroke and was basically paralysed from the waist down. There was no way back from it and there was nothing to be done for him. The vet and I agreed that the only thing left to do was to put him to sleep.

So, yet again I am the death whisperer. While the vet was preparing everything I hugged him tight, snuggling my face into his like I always have, telling him what a good boy he was and thanking him repeatedly for all the love he had given us. As per all the other times I looked into his eyes as he fell sleep then buried my face in his again, bawling my eyes out. I felt his heart stop, looked into his eyes again and he was gone. I’ve done this enough times that I only have to look into their eyes and I can instantly tell even when it’s only been seconds since their death.

“He’s gone” I said to the vet. She listened for a heart beat and confirmed it. I cried for a few minutes on him and when I eventually got up, the vet said “Well done. Not many people can be with them when they go.” I don’t know how anyone can leave their fur baby in a strange place with strange smells and a strange person for their last moments. It’s one reason I always look into their eyes as they go. I am the last thing they ever see.

So, once all the documentation was done and the bill paid, I went back to my neighbor waiting outside and smoked a cigarette, trying to process what just happened. They took me home and I just sat in my chair staring into space for what seemed like hours. once I snapped out of it, I started clearing out his stuff. It might seem callous to some, but many people have the same reaction. I hoovered everywhere, dusted and mopped. The thought then occurred to me that it would be the last time I hoovered his hair, mopped his paw prints and freshened the room of the doggy smell. It felt strange this time. Mr C was the last fur baby and now my home was truly empty. The end of an era. He was fifteen and a half when he passed. A good run for a dog but particularly for a Collie.

Since then I’ve struggled not to cry at work. Coming home he would always be at the door to greet me. I’d then go straight to the back door to let him out for a pee. I keep expecting to see him every day. I miss him terribly. The last few days, I have particularly noticed how different the house smells when I come home from being out somewhere.

So, now all is said and done, I am… Truly… Alone.

Well… A lot has happened since my last post. My Princeling is not living with me any more. I don’t feel the need to share the details here as, even though this blog is semi-anonymous, it wouldn’t be fair to share his situation. It’s not mine to share. Suffice to say it’s not been a good time for any of us. He won’t be able to be home for Christmas either. It looks like I’ll be spending Christmas Day on my own for the first time in many years.

It’s been a very strange and stressful couple of months. Yesterday I bagged up all of his clothes ready to be picked up at his request. As much as both of us agree we can’t live together anymore, the conflict between accepting and agreeing with that and the sadness at my last child leaving the nest is difficult to reconcile. It has to be this way though. I just wish it could have happened in a better way.

Hopefully we will be able to rebuild a more healthy relationship once we have both dealt with the situation. I’ve lived alone for nearly two months now. It’s been an eye opener for sure. No wanting to walk home, no anxiety about what will happen when I get home. No more wishing I could stay at work longer. No desire to go to bed stupidly early. For the most part anyway.

We got paid a few days early this month. We all got a little bonus too. I went Christmas shopping on Saturday. The intention was to get a few bits for myself then mooch around for everyone else. Town was packed of course. I got myself a new rucksack for work and a cheap pair of boots then waited outside the piercing studio for it to open. I had tried last weekend but they were fully booked.

Once that was done, I went back into the town centre and it was heaving. The anxiety started building and after a short time I was fighting back panic attack after panic attack. In the end I had to bail before I ended up freaking out and sprinting for the exit.

After Christmas, not much happened. I spent New Year’s Eve alone too. It felt very strange. Everyone else have fun, party’s, and of course fireworks going off all evening and there’s me, on my tod with no one around to party with.

Happy days!

Well, what a roller coaster of a few weeks it’s been. A couple of weeks ago I had a nasty crash on my bike on the way to work. A lucky escape to be honest. It could have been so much worse. Despite that, I found myself in A&E a couple of days later. My rib was hurting quite bad so I dialled 111 and they said I should get it checked out. The only place I could go was the hospital my lady died in. 30 minute wait for an X-ray then a six hour wait to be seen for less than five minutes to tell me I’m ok.

Of course it was wise to get checked out but damn, being there for nearly seven hours was not fun. I didn’t leave the place until just after midnight and I had work the next day. It was almost impossible to sleep for more than an hour at a time initially due to the pain. Everything has stopped hurting now other than my shoulder and rib. It’s frustrating as most of the time I just want to sit in bed chilling even if it’s not so I can go to sleep. Being in bed hurts more than anywhere else though.

It would be nice for nothing shit to happen for a while. My soul sister in Portugal had to put her cat down a couple of days ago. I spent a couple of hours with her on zoom last night to be there for her. I totally understand as it was the first anniversary of Mr T being put down nearly a fortnight ago. She feels the same as me on one level. I won’t be getting any more fur babies for a long time, if at all. Once Mr C goes, that’s it. He is old now, bless him.

I find myself in Costa once more, bashing out yet more of this drivel. it’s two days before payday too. I only have any money at all as I sold my subwoofer a few days ago. Yet again, going home isn’t appealing. It’s become a theme. When I feel like this I like to chill with a coffee bashing out this drivel so I can waste enough time that when I get home I can just go to bed sooner.

I’ve come to realise recently that despite my telling myself I’ve done ok surviving with my Princeling, nothing could be further from the truth. A lot of stuff has come out over the last few weeks regarding my parenting. Suffice to say, I have fallen short to put it mildly. Regardless of all my ranting about the stress and anxiety of dealing with everything, and I stand by MOST of what I have said here but I am not popular at the moment. We all get to the point in life where we look back at our upbringing as adults and have questions or grievances. I dare say most parents have the conversation with their adult children at some point. A reckoning as it were. I know I did. Well, it’s my turn now. There are a lot of things I’ve done or not done that I am not proud of. It doesn’t matter how much I wish I could, I can’t change that or give time back to those I’ve been absent from. It’s something I just have to live with. No good being sulky or down about it. I’ve been good at that on occasion. It achieves nothing and is purely self indulgent.

My Princeling says he is moving out in a few months. So I guess that ball is rolling now. So be it. The next chapter is on the horizon. One thing I know for sure is that once he moves out, I’ll be leaving this house as soon as I can. I’ll have to spend money and time making it acceptable enough to exchange with someone but with only myself and Mr C to worry about it shouldn’t take too long.

It will be strange, living on my own and I will miss my Princeling but I also look forward to making a new home for just myself. I should have a car by the end of the year so I can consider homes further afield than just this town. To be honest I think I’d prefer to get out of here anyway. Other than my dear friend, there’s no one and nothing to stay here for and with a car I can see her whenever I want to.

She has landed herself a good full time job now and it’s well paid too. Ironically, it’s for one of our customers. I’m happy for her. We’ve been talking a lot over the last couple of weeks. It’s been lovely. We are having coffee again this week and plan to have lunch together some time soon. It’s become clear we both miss each other. I wonder where it will lead? She said that the company she got the job with are expanding and to keep an eye out on their website. By the sound of it, it would be a significant pay rise and for a less technical role too. Wouldn’t it be weird if we ended up colleagues again? If that happens, I have to say, I’d be reevaluating my views on fate and all this cosmos shizzle. If the cosmos keeps pushing us together, who am I to resist?

As ever, what will be will be. For once I am hopeful of a happy outcome. I feel I deserve some happiness at last.

So mote it be.

Sunday:

I’m sat outside Costa waiting for my dear friend. I’d not heard from her in a month. To my surprise, I got a message from her out of the blue wishing me happy birthday on Thursday and asking about going for coffee. Without even thinking about it I said yes. I’ve missed her a lot and I’d really like to know what’s happened since I saw her at our friend’s wedding reception.

It’s time I opened up a bit about how her absence has affected me. My soul sisters have been telling me I should be advocating for myself more in this relationship. Fair enough. I’ve been at pains to be understanding so much, I’ve not really been honouring myself and my feelings. After all, why would a true friend just ignore you for a whole month? Not what I expect from my friends. Not for a whole month anyway. A few days, sure. I can be guilty of that myself.

So let’s see how this pans out.

Well. What can I say? Our most interesting coffee yet. I opened right up to her. We talked about so much and yet I could have stayed all evening talking. It’s never long enough to be honest.

We went through what happened for her in the last month and now I know, I can understand to an extent why I hadn’t heard from her. Interestingly, I’m still the only one she has contacted. Once that was out of the way we dived into recapping our times together over the last year or so. The songs and their meanings. The poetry. I was completely open about how they made me feel at the time. There’s too much to relay here but suffice to say I made it very clear, not only how much I had missed her, but how much our vibe means to me.

She wasn’t phased in the slightest. If anything it seemed to make her very happy. Things have definitely moved up a level. Part of me just wishes she could be free for me to ask her out. It’s horrible being in a relationship that is over but still living together. I’ve been through it myself.

It’s strange having such strong feelings for someone who is not even available. Knowing it can’t happen changes nothing. It gets back to that thing about the feels not being tied down to rationality or reason. If her relationship was a happy one I’d have not even hinted in the slightest that I liked her. Been there enough times too.

I’m sat in the same Costa right now. It’s Thursday. She has replied to all of my messages within a few hours at most since the above. I had a free birthday treat on the costa app and it’s chucking down with rain so here I am again after work. Despite all the times I’ve been here with various people, I can never help thinking about our first coffee here. While I was getting our drinks, she claimed our seats and checked in on Facebook. Sharing the checkin saying “With the man, the myth, the legend, Lord Crookedhorn”. It still gives me a big smile and a little butterflies to this day. She shared it publicly too.

I’m exhausted. It was nearly half one by the time I fell asleep last night. I did some serious damage to my birthday Jack Daniel’s. On a work night too. Muppet. I spent a good few hours on the phone to my brother, catching up and going through our situations. I just want to go home and straight to bed. How new.

The rain has stopped, the wind has eased. I look out the window at the world going by and the fire station across the road. What I wouldn’t give to get away from my life right now. Apart from my dear friend of course. She feels the same and it’s the main topic of most of the songs we share. To escape. Get away. Run away together. It makes me sad that it’s impossible for now. I’m overtired and that always makes me more emotional but I’m pretty done with my life as it is. I still massively crave to live on my own in my bungalow. Interestingly my dear friend said something similar on Sunday. “Once the kids are old enough, I’m off to my one bedroom flat”. I wonder if that will happen? Will we still know each other then? I’m not waiting for anything but I have no interest in anyone else either. When I have the feels for someone, it’s only them. I can’t even think about anyone else. I wouldn’t want to.

I’d rather be alone than look for someone else because my dear friend is unavailable. I wasn’t looking in the first place when we connected. It just happened. Such is the way of these things in my experience. I’ve never in my life gone actively looking for a life partner. The idea of dating random women doesn’t appeal in the slightest. If it doesn’t happen organically I’m not interested.

I’m not exactly in a great place to start a relationship anyway. I wonder if I ever will be? I guess at some point I’ll just do it anyway. I’ve just turned fifty and I don’t want the last decades of my life to be on my own.

As I sit here, waves of tiredness are washing over me. If I was in bed right now, I’d sleep right through til my morning alarm. Guess I should head home soon.

Ugh… What joy…

Tuesday. There is definitely a pattern developing at work with my mood. The morning is usually ok. The odd laugh punctuating being busy. First break seems to take forever to come. After lunchtime my mood seems to start dipping. I usually take lunch at the back of the building with a few colleagues as we like to sit in the sun and chat. There are a handful of us that I suppose you could call the mental health group. We’ve all been through or are going through shitty times for one reason or another and we have all been there for one another at some point. My dear friend was one of them. One of the group was close to my dear friend too and the three of us were particularly close. He is one of the few who knows about how I feel. As a consequence, I sometimes talk about how much I’m missing her. He understands quite well as he has the feels for another colleague who he can’t have.

I’ve been having a break from Facebook for the last week or so. It’s the first time ever. The all seeing, all knowing algorithm has been throwing up post after post about being ghosted in one way or another. It was really impacting my mental health. I removed the app from my phone and installed the messenger app on my PC so I didn’t need to use the site for messaging. I’m slowly starting to get to get used to not being able to check Facebook every moment I have spare. It got to the point where I was sharing twenty or more posts a day. One of my soul sisters even started calling it Crookedhorn book.

I have several friends that have either quit social media altogether or had a break from it. I believe I have/had developed an unhealthy addiction to Facebook since 2020 and the pandemic. I met my headcase family through Robb’s Facebook live streams and ended up living my social life almost completely on Facebook and have pretty much ever since. It struck me recently how hopelessly obsessed most people are with social media in general. Just imagine for a moment that ALL social media disappeared permanently. How would you feel about that? No doubt a few of you wouldn’t care less, naturally, but I’m sure most of you would not be happy at all. At least initially. I find that fascinating.

After last break today, my mood plummeted. I’m sick of it. I knew it would take a while to get used to not having my dear friend at work but I’m struggling to not be a dick at the slightest irritation now. It’s no one else’s problem if I’m having a bad time. To be fair, I’ve noticed a lot of my colleagues being nicer and more considerate to me since she quit. Not that they weren’t anyway, just more so now.

The head of inspection has been organizing drinks in town after work for my birthday bless him. He came up to me today and asked what else I drink other than cider as he wants to buy me drinks and cider is “boring, after all it’s your fiftieth”. Can’t lie I am very much down for a bit of a shindig. We are a good bunch at work and have a lot of fun when we go out for drinks. We used to do it every month on the Friday after payday. Should be fun. My headcase family have said they want to have a birthday zoom with me on Friday night too.

I still don’t know how I feel about turning fifty. People are still telling me I don’t look anywhere near that. Surprising, given how haggard I feel/look. Still I’ll take that. I’m not really one to obsess about getting old, other than the drive to make the most of what time I have left. I certainly don’t resent it.

So I’m sat outside McDonald’s again but this time it’s actually free. Last time they gave me a strip of the competition stickers and I won food and a drink so here I am yet again. What a sad, lonely example of a man I am. I don’t enjoy work any more and I rarely, if ever want to go home either. The craving for another life is back again. I think the escapism my dear friend and I have enjoyed all year has pushed that aside until now.

Then of course Ronnie Real comes a knocking yet again. Reality crashes in. I sometimes wonder how much I’ve lived in the real world for the last four and a half years. I’ve fantasized about a different life a few times. California, Australia and of course my beach bar and grill on my tropical island. Those fantasies got me through months, if not years on and off. But, however unrealistic they are, if you don’t dream big you’ll never do anything in my opinion.

I was going to stop and buy my hair dye on the way home but to be honest I just want to go home and straight to bed. It’s only six o’clock though. Depression is a fucker like that. Once I’ve left work for a while I just want to shut down. A year or so ago I’d have had one of my “hoodie naps” to escape the feeling. When you’re asleep it all goes away for a bit.

Ugh. One more cigarette and I’ll get going. This McDonald’s is in the shade and it’s a bit chilly despite it being sunny at the moment. It’s not even peaceful here being right next to a dual carriageway.

Joy…

So it’s Sunday evening. My father, eldest daughter and granddaughter came to visit today. I don’t see any of them very often, not having a car. My granddaughter started school this month. She was born the day after mid summers day 2020. I still remember clear as day meeting my daughter just before Christmas 2019 and her telling me she was pregnant. Rather than telling me, she gave me a Christmas card and in the inside was a hospital scan. As you can imagine, it was quite emotional.

She is a beautiful child. Of course, I would say that but it’s true nonetheless. Her mother is beautiful as is her grandmother. It feels weird referring to my ex like that so many years after we split up, but it’s true. Just one reason why I got with her in the first place. Both my daughter and granddaughter have her eyes.

My father is moving in with his partner this year and has been going through all his stuff, thinning it out as he can’t take it all with him. He brought up several items with him. It’s been quite poignant for him and sitting with him discussing the stories behind the items he brought up, it was for me too. His flat is the one I lived in when I met My Lady. I’m going to ask him if I can spend half an hour or so alone in it before he hands over the keys. It was always comforting, him living there. Every time I visited him there, my mind would be awash with all the happy times I spent there. The first time I told My Lady that I loved her. My eldest daughter stopping to see me on the way home when she finished school. It was also there that I wrote my first ever songs.

Last time my father visited, he wanted to talk about his funeral. I am to be sole executor. Great. That just brought a flood of memories of trying to wade through everything when My Lady died. It’s probably the worst type of admin process anyone can do. I spent weeks sat at my dining table with my laptop, crying my eyes out for hours on end and staring out the window at our garden she loved so much.

He wants me to play Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd on his guitar. Well, shit, how would I manage that at his funeral? I’ve able to play it for years, but at his funeral? I can’t even imagine how I’ll manage it. I don’t have the vocal range to do it justice either. I’ll be insisting everyone sings it. I’ll never get through it otherwise.

This visit, it was my turn to discuss my funeral. There’s a song by Machine Head called Darkness Within. It’s all about when Robb Flynn was in a dark place and how music saved him. Like I said to my daughter and father, if it wasn’t for music, I wouldn’t be here now. It literally saved my life, I don’t know how many times. I used to find it weird thinking about my funeral, never mind actually talking about it. After all the family members that have died in the last ten or more years, as a family we have no problem talking about such dark things. Good thing too as too many people don’t have these conversations and when the end comes, so much gets lost or misunderstood.

I played Darkness Within to them and gave them a printout of the lyrics to read while it played. They totally got it. Bless him, my father was shaking a bit as the song progressed. If it wasn’t for him, I’d have never been a musician and as I said, I wouldn’t be here now. I didn’t say it but he knew the implication. Without him passing on the love of musicianship, I’d be dead now. I don’t say that lightly either. It’s a 100% certainty.

So after much discussion about this and music in general, they left and we all felt better, not only for seeing each other, but having had the above discussion. As you can imagine, it left me quite reflective hence my presence in the garden at my local McDonald’s yet again. It’s payday in the morning and I had just enough to get a small meal and sit out here bashing out this drivel yet again. I’ve been rather prolific in my writing this year as you will know if you’ve followed this blog.

Both of them know all about my dear friend at work and I updated them both as to what’s happened in the last month or so. It’s left me thinking about it a lot. I played a couple of the songs we shared to them and I’ve been listening to the playlist ever since. Joy. Why do I do this to myself? I was getting somewhere with dealing with it too. It’s surreal looking across the car park that My Lady and I used countless times while also thinking about my dear friend at the same time. As a widow, I knew that at some point I’d probably find love again and I also knew that I’d never stop loving My Lady too. I always wondered how my mind would reconcile that. I’m starting to understand it now. My Lady will always be burned into my soul to the day I die, but I know now that I can love someone new without it detracting from the love I have for her. I honestly never thought I’d be able to do that. It’s over four and a half years since she died now and I’m still single with no real chance of that changing any time soon.

My Lady used to say sometimes “You’d better wait more than a bloody year”. Well, I never thought that would ever be tested. I always “knew” I’d die before her. How wrong I was. I don’t often spend much time thinking about what she would think of my life without her any more but this… This is different. I hope she would feel honored in some way by my loyalty after her death, if that’s even the word I’m looking for. I’ve caught the feels once or twice, but love? No. Not until this year.

Ironic that it should be for someone not available. I still haven’t heard from her and I’m pretty sure I won’t now. I’m grieving the loss of her friendship more than anything else but the extra feels… Damn. The thought of her reciprocating, even a tiny bit makes it so much harder to deal with. I honestly thought I’d never feel like this again in my life. Life goes on. As ever. I will feel better eventually of course but the taste of it has been intoxicating all year. What a waste of a lovely connection.

So it’s a new week in the morning. My birthday week. I still don’t really know how I feel about turning fifty. People say it’s just a number and normally I’d agree but half a century is a big deal however you want to look at it. A couple of hundred years ago the life expectancy wasn’t more than forty for the average working class person. Well, no one can say I’m not a survivor. Life has thrown crap after crap after crap at me and I’m still here, fighting the bastard with my middle fingers still held up to the cosmos. Do your worst. Oh wait, you already did. Fuck you Cosmos. Bring it on…

So mote it be.

Well, it’s been nearly a month since I’ve heard from my dear friend. I sent one last text yesterday, but I’m not going to keep on flogging a dead horse. I just think it sucks not being told to get lost. I had a better day yesterday. I’ve stopped listening to the songs we shared and the depressing songs too. I had a song by Tool on repeat all day. You could call them a progressive hard rock band I guess. Crazy time signatures that light up the musician part of my brain rather than the emotional side. It really helped. Noted for the coming weeks.

Machine Head did a Happy Hour last night which was well attended. It was nice to have a laugh with the band and the gang. A couple of hours on zoom afterwards and I was exhausted.

I find myself in the garden at my local McDonald’s this morning. How new. At least it’s payday in a couple of days. It has been quite cold this week but today it is relatively warm and sunny. As you probably know, I often need it, especially when I’m not in a good place mentally.

My father, daughter and granddaughter are coming to visiting tomorrow. My granddaughter started school this month. How the last four and a half years have flown. I can’t wait to see them. When I have a car again, I intend on visiting them regularly. In fact I intent on visiting a lot of people. The thought occurred to me last year that it’s only a couple of hours drive all the way to Birmingham, so there’s no reason not to make the effort to visit these lovely souls that I love so much and have been there for me without fail for years now. I’d drive the four hour round trip just to spend an hour with them if they needed me.

So I’m sat here bashing out this drivel, sipping my free coffee and wondering what comes next in this crazy life of mine. I can’t actually visualise the next year or so other than the odd event I have planned. After everything at work, I feel increasingly jaded about it. I hope that goes away. Despite a few concerns, I still feel more secure than I have in most of the jobs I’ve had in my life. I know full well my skills are needed enough that I wouldn’t be laid off even if the company got in trouble. Or at least I wouldn’t be the first to go. I’ve worked incredibly hard to get to the level I am now for this precise reason. I don’t want to be a drone for rest of my working life but by the same token, I don’t want to be worrying about security either. Rocking the boat at this point would be stupid in the extreme.

I pause writing there to roll a cigarette and I cast my eyes across the car park My Lady and I parked in thousands of times to come here for shopping. This place is so ingrained in my mind, it never fails to bring a flood of memories of happier times. The usual Saturday morning bustle of people going about their lives like the pandemic never happened.

I remember well, the traffic lights on the entrance to Tesco, nearly everyone in masks. It’s surreal looking back to my previous life. My Lady never even knew about any of what we went through in the pandemic. She died in February and lockdown didn’t come until a few months later. Looking at the scene, you wouldn’t even guess anything had happened.

Much as I could sit here bashing this drivel out for ages, I guess I should get going soon. I need to get a load of laundry done and make the house acceptable enough to receive guests. They wouldn’t care but to this day I try hard to keep a modicum of pride when it comes to guests. Especially seeing at I virtually never have any. It was amazing having my brother and sister in law stay for the weekend recently. I had planned to have a BBQ social with my colleagues this summer but never got around to it. There is still time I guess.

I keep looking across the car park and for some reason a part of me still expects to see My Lady walking across it to meet me, over four and half years on. I don’t know if that will ever change. I’m on the fence as to whether I even want that to stop. It doesn’t feel good though obviously. Oh well, on that note I’ll call time on this post.

Have a good day friends. X

So, today I got confirmation that my dear friend has resigned. I was told by another colleague. Finding out that way made me incandescent with rage. I was absolutely livid if not surprised. I sat fuming, cutting out LED’s by the hundred as work is quiet at the moment.

The assistant manager came over and asked how I was getting on. I had intended to keep anger to myself but I failed. I said that cutting out the LED’s was good for me as I was pissed off. He asked why and I just said my dear friend’s name. I told him how angry I was at finding out on the grapevine rather than being told to my face. Of course they have no obligation to do so, and if anything, they have a duty of confidentiality. The thing that really made me angry was that several others had already been told. But no one had the balls to come and tell me. The whole company knows damn well how close we are.

I still haven’t heard from my dear friend and I can’t lie, it’s upsetting me. I miss her more than I ever realised possible. My boss came and had a chat with me this morning after finding out how angry I was. She had thought, naturally, that my dear friend would have talked to me. I know full well why she hasn’t. She knows how upset I’d be at her leaving. She would find it really hard to just tell me straight. There could also be other reasons for her resigning too but that just takes me down the old road of assumptions and overthinking. I’d love to know what it was that actually made her take to decision to leave. Last I spoke to her, she wasn’t happy here in some ways but valued the friendships she had here too. I received a nice update on her holiday a couple of weeks ago and then nothing. What changed? Who knows? I get the feeling that I might never know.

I really want to ask what happened but I know she won’t be in a good place right now so I just sent a message saying “Hope you’re ok, miss you.” She will reply in her own time. Assuming she does at all. If it has to be goodbye, I hope it won’t be like this. If we can’t be friends any more for whatever reason I want to part ways properly rather than ‘Poof!’ Gone. I’m stupidly grateful to have had her in my life and we have had some lovely close moments. Real soul connections are few and far between and I treasure every one of them.

My boss was very sympathetic when we talked. I made it clear that I understood her position and that I held no bad feeling towards her. I probably let slip a bit too much about how much I was missing her to be honest but at this point I’m not sure it even matters. By the end of our conversation we both started getting emotional, so we called it right then to avoid us both bursting into tears.

I don’t think she knew exactly how much I care for my dear friend. As I’ve mentioned before here, I’d not be surprised if many of my colleagues suspected we had deeper feelings than we let on but I couldn’t hide my emotions from my boss. “I’m missing her so much. Probably more than I should.” I said to her. I think that probably made it obvious how I felt.

Whatever, there is nothing left to do with this situation. The ball as it were is in my dear friend’s court. I just hope she sends the ball back my way at some point soon, but I can’t and shouldn’t wait on tenterhooks on the off chance she will. I have to focus on moving on. It feels strange, missing someone this much though. I was only saying to my soul sisters last night that I haven’t ever missed anyone this much. Other than My Lady of course. How things have changed.

Work is dead today. We are having trouble getting the bare circuit boards delivered at the moment. I’m sat at my desk bashing out this drivel waiting for something to do. Some people here complain about having nothing to do and I get that but personally, it’s so incredibly rare that I run out of work in my role, I don’t mind just sitting here chilling.

And as I write that, a job finally comes my way and it’s three o’clock. Five boards for a Formula One team. At least it’s an interesting job.

So, it’s Friday eve. Machine Head are back home after their tour and Happy Hours have started again. Myself and the gang has missed the streams and it’s been great to hang out with each other and the band. On top of that, tomorrow evening is rock/metal night in town. Being my birthday month, I plan on getting a few requests in this time. I’m sure my good friend the DJ will oblige. After the shit show of the last month, letting off some steam by head-banging myself stupid is just what I need. It’ll be good to catch up with my friends there too. I wish it was more than once a month though. We all do. It’s the one place we all feel like we can be our true selves. Music is life after all. 🤘

What a crazy month it’s been. Through by brother and sister in law staying to the darkness of my medication problem, then my dear friend going AWOL then resigning. Mentally, that’s a lot to process in one month. I’ll be processing it for a lot longer than a month though.

Oh well. I had been wondering when the Cosmos was going to throw its next ton of crap at me. Despite that, it still takes me by surprise. It shouldn’t any more. I should know better than to expect a peaceful and content life. What on earth was I thinking? There’s always some spanner in the works when I find the tiniest bit of happiness. You may say I’m just being negative but there’s no ‘just’ about it. Over four and a half years after My Lady died, and I’m still going through hell in one way or another. To be fair though, the bond I’ve made with my dear friend has kept my depression at bay for most of the year. Looking back, the main source of my depression has been the lack of development in that relationship and depression is probably the wrong word for it.

But life goes on, same as always. Time for yet another new chapter in this life I never wanted or asked for. I’m fifty this month. Fifty. Half a bloody century. How the hell I’ve made it this far I’ll never know. If nothing else that alone is worth celebrating. My Headcase friend has bought me a weekend ticket to the Bloodstock festival next year as “part” of my birthday. I wonder what else the guys have planned. Mr Cocktail Carnage has repeatedly said he is not letting me get away with not having some kind of celebration with the guys. Several of us have a September birthday so hopefully some of us at least can get together and do something.

Getting back to the original topic of this post, the last month has taught me quite a few lessons. Harsh ones too. I hope I can keep them going forward. I could do without a repeat of them. Catching the feels this year and the after effects of it was obviously out of my control but the medication thing was purely my fault. I have no one else to blame for it other than myself. I took a few photos of the place I stood, pondering what it would be like to end it all. A reminder to never allow myself to get in that position again. It was one thing to consider suicide just after My Lady died but quite another purely because I hadn’t kept on top of my medication regime.

Here endeth the lesson…

So yet again I find myself outside my local McDonald’s writing more of this drivel. I can actually afford it this time as Mr Screamer unexpectedly paid me for more songs.

It’s been a hot and very humid day today. I just took a shower and came out to get some peace and to cool off. I still find myself feeling down about recent events. My dear friend and colleague still hasn’t resurfaced. She’s not even responding to our boss. I’ve been worried about her for some time now but it’s changing to resignation now. I get the feeling I’ll never hear from her again. What a shitty way for our friendship to end. No last conversation, no explanation, nothing. Poof! Gone. As if I didn’t overthink my relationship with her enough as it is. There comes a point where one just has to accept that I’m not going to get a reply and move on I guess.

My soul sisters have been telling me I should move on for weeks if not months now. There are right, of course. They usually are. We have come to understand each other deeply over the last few years. It works both ways too. I’ve told one of them they should move on from a similar situation.

We both know it’s easy to say that when you’re not involved of course. I could deal with this a lot better if she had just said “Sorry, I can’t be your friend any more.”, even if she gave no explanation for it. I’d rather just be told. Again, that’s easy to say, but I don’t know what’s happening to cause her disappearance so I should try not to judge too harshly. I know enough about her and her life to know that would be an incredibly difficult thing to do. She knows damn well I’ll be gutted to lose her as a friend.

So I’m trying to get my head into move on mode. I can’t lie though, I miss her terribly and I will for a long time. Things could have been so different if only there was proper communication between us. Strange, as at times we opened up to each other so much. Even bared our neck to each other if you know what I mean? The things unsaid, however, will stick with me for a long time.

Still, part of me always knew this could happen. Given the rocky relationship she has it was always possible that I could be perceived as a threat and it certainly seems to have ended up that way. New guy comes along, makes the effort to understand her, makes her smile when she talks about me etc etc. Even her kids seemed fond of me before they had even met me. She must have spoken highly of me for them to feel like that.

Whatever, there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’ve stopped messaging and texting now. The last text simply saying “I just want to know you’re safe.”. I’d have thought that might have solicited a response but no. So I won’t bother her any more now. No good flogging a dead horse and anyway, it would probably only make her feel worse which would make her even more unlikely to reply.

So, enough now. Time to focus on myself again. To that end I spent all day yesterday editing and mixing my second song. Nearly nine hours too. It burned me out, I have to admit, but it was worth it. It sounds much better and not only was it a good distraction, I had got out of practice in the studio too.

I need to focus on my music again. I’ve done nothing all summer. Head down, crack on and get this project moving again. It will take a while to get the momentum back up though. All the crap that’s happened this year has been a major distraction from it all.

Wow, it’s gone half nine already. I’ll finish this at home as I’m usually in bed by ten ish…

So after a pleasant and quiet walk home I find myself wanting to do something but I don’t know what. It’s getting late though and I have work tomorrow. Guess I should go to bed.

Night friends. x

Wow, two in as many hours. I hit publish on my last post, got up to leave and went straight back into McDonald’s to get a coffee on autopilot. I guess I still need to vent. Predictably, my Princeling wanted me to get something for him on the way home. I simply said “No. I’m busy.”.

This is not the ideal place for me to chill to be honest. Busy road right behind me, screaming kids and annoying music inside. Even this is better than going home right now. What a shit situation to find myself in eh? Maybe if I bash out this drivel for long enough it will be late enough for me to go home and straight up the stairs to bed. Fuck today. I really hope I level out soon. I’m surprised I haven’t let rip on someone. Sadly, the only person who is actually being a dick to me is my Princeling. All my colleagues have been very sympathetic to my current plight. They’ve seen me at my worst and at my best so they know I’m not simply being a dick. I don’t act like this for no good reason. Some just give me space, some check in on me throughout the day. I’m lucky to have colleagues like that.

This is nuts. I’m really struggling right now to wrap my head around how I feel right now. I’m wondering if I should talk to the doctor about whether I shouldn’t start weaning myself off these meds. It’s been four and a half years and other than the doubling of the dose back then, I’ve not even had a medication review in all that time. I don’t even know if they are helping now, or helping me with what even? Am I keeping it together (mostly) BECAUSE I’m on the meds, or have I simply healed enough to cope with life now? The only way to find out I guess is to sit down with my doctor and have that chat with him. I can’t go through this again though. As far as I know, all they can do is half the dose, then stop it. There is no intermediate between 15mg and 30mg.

As I type I can over hear some poor dude in his phone telling someone about how he is in a bad place and has never been this lonely in his life. Well, shit, I feel that. Poor bastard. I want to reach out to him but someone has just sat next to him.

Seems none of us are alone in being so lonely. How ironic. Bullshit isn’t it? Smoking yet another cigarette here and still none the wiser about what I want to do.

I often fantasise about randomly checking my bank account and finding a few hundred grand in there for no apparent reason. More escapism. First thing I would do is pay off all my debt, then arrange for all my stuff to go into storage and fuck off for a while. I say a while but if I had enough money, I’d almost certainly never come back other than for the odd family occasion.

Everyone I care about except my dear friend and colleague I’ve told you about lives in a different city. Other than my job, what is there here for me now? Nothing. Why stay? All my family live at least fifty miles away.

Ugh. I’m just rambling now. How new. I think I’ll just go home and straight to bed and screw what time it is. Oh, it’s nearly seven anyway. Mission accomplished. Finish my coffee and off I go.

Fuck this shit.

Here endeth the lesson…

My antidepressants ran out at the beginning of last week. At least I think it was then. I completely lost track of time. I think it was at least five days without them. At the end of last week I kept waking up around four am. As ever I still lie there overthinking in bed til god knows what time. I was getting four hours sleep at best. I had assumed it was my Princeling waking me up, but after a few days my mood spiralled dramatically. I’ve not felt so bad in at least a couple of years. The last time was a few months after I started the antidepressants. My doctor doubled them straight away. I was ok for a week or so but then the change in dose made it ten times worse. Dark and dangerous thoughts abounded.

It’s Wednesday today. On Monday, my thoughts turned so dark. I would say scarily so, but I’d be lying. It reminded me of when my doctor thought I was going to have a heart attack. I didn’t care one bit if I dropped dead at the time. That was only a few months after My Lady died though.

It was different on Monday. I had really intrusive thoughts all day. Then after lunchtime I realised how long it had been since I had taken my meds. It all made sense then. The meds my doctor prescribed were chosen to help me sleep and to increase my appetite. Back then I had lost so much weight, everyone was really concerned. I dropped to way under eight stone.

I’ve been on these meds for over four years now. My body and mind freaked out when I stopped taking them. Monday afternoon I was in full fight or flight mode for hours. It was all I could do not to freak out at work. When I finished, I made a bee line to my pharmacy. It was like having a full blown panic attack that lasted for hours. It was exhausting and on top of the lack of sleep I was not well by then.

When I got home, I took a tablet and washed it down with a cider I had in the fridge. Yeah, I know, clever boy huh? Within an hour I crashed badly. In bed by eight and I must have been asleep in less than twenty minutes. Next thing I knew it was five minutes before my alarm went off. I had slept like the dead. It would take me at least three nights like that to recover but the panic feeling had gone for the moment which I was grateful for.

The day at work was bearable, if somewhat stressful. By the time I was home, all I wanted to do was sit in silence and be on my own. I really didn’t want to interact with anyone at all. Then my Princeling came crashing down the stairs, flew into the kitchen and started banging and crashing about. I couldn’t bear it. I told him this and all he had to say was “ you can’t tell me what to do, I’ll go as fast as I like”. Honestly I wanted to punch his lights out. Insensitive dick. I refrained from responding to the pathetic teenager comment he threw at me as I knew damn well that if I didn’t, I would go completely nuclear at him. I was even sure that I wouldn’t hit him. Shortly after that, I went to bed. Again I was out not long after taking my meds and woke with my alarm.

Today started ok I guess. Last nights vibe was still lingering though. I tried not to think about it too much and cracked on with my work. As the day progressed however, I felt the darkness closing in around me again. It didn’t help that I was being given job after job and they were changing the priorities repeatedly. Normally, at worst I would jokingly groan and crack on. In my state of mind today though, I really couldn’t process it all. I came real close to being a dick to the assistant manager when he walked over with another job. I had a little fit but he understands my mental health more than most there and has usually been very empathetic to it. I apologised immediately and told him about my situation. He said “It’s ok mate, don’t worry”. He can be annoying at times, same as anyone, but he has always been great when I’m having mental health issues.

So I’m sat outside McDonald’s bashing out this drivel again. Yet again I don’t want to go home. If I had some proper friends local enough I’d just ask if I could crash there tonight so I can have a break from my shitty home life.

Interesting. As I type that, I realise that I have no one here on that level. No one. I also realise that staying at a friend’s place for the night would be just what I need sometimes. I hate my home life. Especially at times like this. I’m sick of being treated like shit and being expected to provide for someone who held me hostage in my own bedroom for a whole day. I was told by the mental hospital where he was admitted last year that I should call the police if I felt threatened by him. His mental health team, the police and even my GP all said the same. As you can imagine, having to live with someone like that is not pleasant to ridiculously understate it.

Ugh. And predictably he just tried to call me. I cancelled the call within seconds and my phone is now in flight mode. No doubt he will want something from me under the pretense of wondering why I’m not home yet. See what I mean? I can’t escape. I’m so fucking done right now.

I don’t want to talk to anyone. What am I supposed to do though? I can’t sit here all night. Mr C needs feeding soon. I just want to go home and go to bed. No talking, no interaction, nothing. I’m sick of having to explain myself.

Whatever, we don’t always get what we want do we? Soon though. Soon, I will do exactly that. I’ve been pontificating about moving on for years now. Time to start actually planning stuff.

Fuck them all…

Sunday.

Interesting times again. I’m currently sat in the local woods contemplating my life. I was here yesterday too. It’s so peaceful here. No road noise, butterflies flitting around, dragonflies swooping down to say hi, then scooting off again. Grasshoppers chirping in the grass.

I feel like big changes are afoot but I have no idea what they will be yet. Last week my dear friend came up to me first thing Monday morning, beaming smiles and clearly happy to see me. Ironically it was because she had got to the point where she didn’t care anymore about various situations in her life.

“No more fucks to give” as she put it. It was lovely to see her feel so free, despite the reasons for it. We’ve had the best week together at work than in a long time.

So, sat here in the countryside, I’m wondering where the next few months will take me. My brother and sister in law are staying with me next weekend which will be great. I’ve not seen them for over a decade. Then the following weekend my dear friend and I are going to our friend and colleague’s wedding reception together. Only one other colleague has been invited and he thought of just us two initially. Interesting that he thought of us as a pair when we are only friends. To be honest, it wouldn’t surprise me if many people at work think we are more than friends. I really don’t care though. Our connection DOES run deeper than with my normal friends though, hence my last few posts.

Whatever. I’m fast running out of fucks myself. People can and will think what they want and unless it bothers her, I don’t care. Life is too short to give a damn about these things.

So, it’s a week later now. Monday. My brother and sister in law came to stay for a long weekend. I’ve not seen them for well over a decade. He brought a bottle of Jim Beam with him. We destroyed it on the first night. We spent hours and hours going through the intervening years. It was nearly 4:30am by the time we crashed, drunk and emotionally drained.

It’s been wonderful but strange having anyone stay for more than one night. I’m not used to it. By the time they left on Sunday morning, I had so much food for thought, I felt the need to go for a ride in the woods again just to be on my own. I’ve said this countless times here but as time goes by, I want to be alone more than ever despite the constant craving for the soul connection I’ve made to evolve.

I took a different route this time and ended up a little lost. I didn’t care though. I was just letting the bike take me where it wanted. Eventually I found myself at the edge of a farmers field. It’s about as far away from people as you can get without riding for hours.

All I could hear were the birds and insects doing their thing. It was lovely. I’d taken a can of cider with me so I stopped by a huge log and rolled a cigarette. The sun was low on the horizon, a cooling breeze was blowing in my face. It had been a very hot day so it was welcome indeed.

Before long I had to start making my way back as the ride would have been perilous in the dark but I couldn’t leave before I took a few pictures of the scene. All I could think about was sharing the view with my dear friend. She would have loved it too.

As you can see, it was beautiful. I really didn’t want to go home though. I rarely do these days. I feel less and less peopley these days. I don’t even want to be around my Princeling. The only thing I go home for when I feel like this is to ensure Mr C is ok. He is very old now. Fifteen in October. For a Border Collie, that is very old. His back legs are a bit wobbly now bless him.

So as per the above, I don’t really want to go home. Sat outside McDonald’s having taken them up on their three for three deal. It’s already been an hour since I finished work. That went quick. It usually does when I’m writing this drivel.

Work just doesn’t feel the same without my dear friend. I had been distracted for days spending time with my brother and sister in law which was amazing but now I’m back at work, I’m missing her again. We have our colleagues wedding reception on Saturday evening but I’m wondering if she might bail on that. I’m probably just being paranoid but after her husband banned her from going to gigs with me and even got funny about her having coffee with me last time, it wouldn’t surprise me if something went down that would prevent her from going. I’ll be gutted if that happens. We’ve been looking forward to it all year. As ever, what will be will be.

The weather is hot this week. Today especially. A bit too hot even for me. I even took sun tan lotion with me to work today. I have to be careful now. I get a heat rash whenever I’m in the sunshine for even a little bit. Last thing I need is skin cancer. It’s annoying though. I’ve always loved being in the sun and pretty much never got burned. I guess it’s a symptom of my age.

Oh well, I guess I can’t sit here all evening. I have to go home at some point. Strange. As I type that, I think of someone else’s place as I type the word ‘home’. Interesting. Funny how someone can make you feel at home just by being in their presence. That would go some way to explaining that feeling of not wanting to go home.

Yet another insight into my own thought processes brought on by writing here. Over four years and over 140 thousand words and it’s still useful in that regard. It’s kind of why I started this. I had considered stopping this blog altogether but this year, the need to write has been prolific. Over 25 thousand words so far. I also have a couple of posts in draft too.

Well, I’m still sat here bashing this drivel out over an hour and a half later. My random thoughts spewing onto the page. Some people who know me would probably think I’m crazier than they ever realised if they read it.

They wouldn’t be wrong…

I don’t know where to start today but I feel like writing to purge some stuff. Seems I’m not alone on that level tonight. One of my closest Headcase friends is going through stuff today too. We’ve been talking almost constantly for two days now. We find ourselves in a similar position. Trying to find some kind of closure or at least some answers from our emotional situations.

I still have the feels for my dear friend and colleague. Sometimes I wish I could just switch it off. As I’ve said before, it’s not like I chose to feel this way. I’ve not been able to get her out of my head all year. There… I said it. I’ve only told that to three of my closest people. A lot has happened on this level since my last post. Where to start?

Just under two weeks after my last post it was her birthday. I know it would have been a bit shitty for her so I wanted to spoil her a bit. I hate seeing her miserable. She deserves to know she is cared for. I organised a whip round at work. I got a nice card, cake, flowers, her favorite drink and what was left of the money we gave her towards the electric piano she was looking at getting at the time. It clearly moved her. I was really nervous for some reason leading up to our presenting it all to her. Once we had all sung happy birthday, she came up to me and said “Was this you?!”. I jokingly tried to modestly deny it, then she threw her arms around me and said thank you. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. I loved seeing how happy it made her when the thought of her birthday was getting her down leading up to it. I could tell she was buzzing from it for the rest of the afternoon. I loved it.

Several of us went for drinks after work to celebrate further. We were sat together all evening. We all had a great time as we always do when we go out for drinks. We’re a good bunch of colleagues. My dear friend and I sat next to each other all evening. After a while I noticed something. Skin contact. It was only our bare arms touching but my mind couldn’t focus on anything else once I noticed it. We had never had any skin contact before. Now, you might think me stupid or even a bit nuts to assign such significance to something as basic as our arms touching, but it was almost electric. Maybe it was just me but I got the vibe she noticed it almost as much as I did.

One by one, our colleagues went home and eventually it was just the two of us left. We sat chatting for quite some time on our own. We both feel so comfortable when we are on our own, chatting about life, the Universe and everything. It never takes long for the conversation to get deep either. Eventually, it was time for her to go home. Naturally, I walked her home. It’s an hour and a half walk from her place to mine but I wasn’t going to spend out on a taxi. Last time we went for work drinks, I needed the loo less than half way home. Mortified at having to, I found a bush to relieve myself. I dropped my phone while there and, being dark, I had no clue where it had landed. Fortunately a kind soul walking their dog called it so I could find it.

In light of this, my friend said I should use their bathroom before setting out for home this time. My surprise was tangible. She wanted me to meet her family. It shouldn’t have been surprising at all really. I mean, we ARE just friends. Despite my having caught the feels and the fact that their marriage had ended, I didn’t know what to make of it. To be honest, I was not a little honored that she wanted me to meet her children. It did of course mean I would meet the husband too.

While we were walking she told me that her daughter had a nickname for me. Wow, she clearly talks about me at home. Not only that, she must talk of me fondly for her daughter to have a nick name for me. I was, and am still, quite moved by that. On top of that, when we arrived at her place, she introduced me to everyone. Her children were quite obviously very pleased to meet me. Beaming smiles and everything. So cute. I shook her sons hand, and then her husbands. Her daughter had the huge chocolate cake in her arms though which pleased her no end. Her husband didn’t seem put out or weird about my presence at the time.

So I used their bathroom, said thank you and goodbye to her family. Without thinking, I said goodbye to her and gave her a big hug. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t think twice about it. I’m a hugger. It’s automatic. I hug all the people I’m close to and have done for years. Being friends it shouldn’t have been an issue at all but I was thinking about it all the way home. Should I have hugged her in front of her husband?

As far as I knew, no drama came of it. Over the following week at work however, something had changed. I have become hyper sensitive to changes in energy since we have got to know each other. The change was incredibly subtle and I thought I was just being paranoid at first. For months now we have walked the first mile from work together and then gone our separate ways after a friendly hug. Now, her husband was picking her up every day. Beforehand he was only picking her up once or twice a month. This went on for two whole weeks and eventually I was certain that something had gone down as a result of the events surrounding her birthday. I could also tell that she felt nervous or awkward about being seen with me when he collected her. Maybe that’s just my perception/intuition but I have come to trust it over the years.

Historically it’s not been unusual for her to go quiet on messenger, but now nothing for nearly two weeks. I didn’t want to keep messaging her if she didn’t want to talk. It made me very sad, bordering on depressed. We were still talking at work and that seemed OK but for the most part most interactions were quite impersonal. Then one day, when we were on our break, a few of us were talking about music in general and gigs when she said that she wanted to go to more gigs but had no one to go with. For a split second, I was quite hurt. We had talked about going to gigs together many times. I looked her straight in the eye and said “Well, at least we have the Tubular Bells 50th anniversary in town”. She replied with “I’m not allowed to go.”. At this point I was struggling to keep my verbal filter in check. I asked her why not and she said that her husband had basically banned her from going with me. He didn’t want her going to a gig “with a guy”. I was livid. “I fucking knew it!” came out of my mouth before I could stop it. She looked shocked at my response, and just said “What!?”. Everyone was looking at me. I evaded the explanation for my outburst, I can’t remember exactly how. I messaged her shortly after explaining the vibe I had got since her birthday and asked if we could talk about it. No response.

There was nothing for well over a week after that. I had to just accept that she wasn’t willing to discuss it and I certainly wasn’t going to ambush her into the conversation. I’d never knowingly do anything to ruin our friendship. Clearly things had changed and I just had to accept it. I struggled with it, I can’t lie. I got how it could be an awkward conversation, but just 5 minutes chatting about it could have saved a lot of guessing and overthinking on my part.

I guess it would have been even more awkward if she had caught the feels too. I’m not convinced she hasn’t/hadn’t either. Regardless, neither of us have actually spoken of it even if the songs we have shared speak volumes of it but like I said in a previous post, once you say it out loud, it’s out there and you can’t unsay it. Plausible deniability…

Since then I’ve been up and down like a yo yo. Feels or not, I miss our active friendship. I’d rather have her as a friend than not at all because it all went weird over the feels. I’ve caught the feels before, kept my mouth shut and shoved it all down and dealt with it and even managed to keep a wonderful friendship without ruining it. The only difference here is the (slim, unknown) possibility of the feels being reciprocated. I’ve dealt with it before and I can do it again. She’s worth it.

Last week the vibe lifted. She has been more interactive and we had had a really good laugh together. We even walked the first mile again for the first time since her birthday nearly two months ago. We even gave each other the friendly hug again. She finally seems to feel relaxed around me when we are alone again. No idea why, but I have to say, I’m quite relieved. I’d be very upset if our friendship was over.

So over the course of the above events, I’ve been an emotional yo yo. Incredibly frustrating being ignored for so long by message but seemingly OK at work. Also frustrating being at the mercy of my emotions at the hands of another’s behavior regardless of whether they meant to cause me pain. I don’t resent it even now but I’ve had to try and detach myself from the emotional connection for my own sanity. Nuff now.

The next few weeks will be interesting leading up to the wedding reception (only) we were invited to by a colleague. Since we were invited, I’ve played out many scenarios in my mind. I wonder if she will even be ‘allowed’ to go given that I am going. Now that would really piss me off. I’ve been wondering all along if she would go alone or with the husband.

All along I’ve had nothing but respect for their situation and have always been concerned that our friendship might cause trouble at home. She is not available and that’s the end of it. It always has been. Catching the feels was not what I wanted and sure as hell wasn’t expected. I won’t knowingly do anything to damage their situation. It’s none of my business anyway.

Hopefully, whatever happens, her situation will play out however it will without my being an influence on it in any way. I just want her to be happy. Above all she is my friend. Enough with the confusion already. Time to move on and let what will be… Be. My soul sister had been kicking my arse over this for some time. She hates seeing me down or messed up. She’s an angel. Protective like a younger sister. She has said several times I should just work on moving on and just be a friend and try and forget any thoughts of the feels. She is right too. If I had to deal with this in a prospective partner, it would never work. It’s precisely what I don’t want or need. My attachment type is anxious/over thinker and this is and would be a trigger for that. That wouldn’t be fun at all.

What will be, will be…

After a few weeks processing the three deaths that occurred recently, I find myself feeling ever more determined to make this life my own and screw what anyone else wants. My situation at home hasn’t really changed, but I’ve started the ball rolling. I told my Princeling that I’m not going to be his personal chef any more. He turned twenty this week. Why the hell am I treating our relationship like he is still fifteen? I haven’t cooked for him for over a week. I was interested to see what would happen. Disappointingly, he just ordered take out repeatedly. Well, you can lead a horse to water…

For his birthday he asked for a BBQ that day so I bought everything for it but he ended up wanting to do it while I was at work. I was happy to do it of course though, being his birthday.

The morning of his birthday, my best friend messaged me asking if I had seen our former colleagues Facebook post. When I looked I was shocked to read that his wife had passed away. We believe she was pregnant too. Boom. She was so young too. I don’t know how it happened yet but it hit me hard. I guess because it was his wife. Of course the baby too. I messaged my boss to tell her and that I was going to try and get through the day but to be prepared for me either being emotional or bailing altogether. As usual she was as understanding as ever. I got through the day and didn’t let on to my Princeling. I didn’t want to lay that on him in his birthday. I’ll have to tell him tonight though I guess.

It’s payday and I’m sat outside McDonald’s writing this drivel again. The last two days have been lovely, weirdly. My dear friend at work and I have moved on to another level this week. I can’t lie it’s made me very happy. We were supposed to be going for drinks with work in town tomorrow, Friday, but we are going for coffee on our own instead. Much as I enjoy drinks with work friends, I much prefer chilling with her on our own. I even told her as much today. To be honest I’m done worrying about what anyone thinks about how well we get on. I can tell it’s been noticed at work, but unless it bothers her, I don’t care who knows. We both deserve a bit of happiness and/or companionship, however that manifests. I’m very much looking forward to our coffee tomorrow. It’s also her birthday next week so it’ll be nice to spoil her a little.

So this McDonald’s has to be the only take out I get this month. I’m trying to get enough money together for a gig next month. Machine Head have only two dates in the UK this year and my headcase family and I are going together to the Glasgow gig. We’ve been to several shows together since the big meet-up at the Manchester and Wembley shows a couple of years ago but it’s Machine Head that brought us together in the first place so it will be another special time for us all.

After all the deaths recently it will be just what I need. Life has been so harsh for me lately. My antidepressants have been doubled along with my epilepsy medication. Stress is one of the biggest seizure triggers for me. Now I actually have a reason to live my life to the full, the thought of having a seizure in my sleep and never waking up terrifies me. I have had what I believe to be a couple of aura’s recently. They are different to the ones I had eight years ago but it’s not a good sign.

Wouldn’t it be just my luck that now my life is nearly back on track and I’m having fun, that I die in my sleep one night. Nothing would surprise me any more though. The Cosmos has throughly beaten the hell out of me over the last twenty or so years, that much is true. I can’t help wondering if the horror it keeps throwing at me will ever end. I mean… Seventeen deaths in the last seven years. It’s just ridiculous.

Who will be next I wonder?…

Oh well, I can’t sit here all evening. I’ll continue this later…

Or not…

Well, the Cosmos is being quite the fucker this week. I swear death sits on my shoulder like our demons do. At the end of last week I was at work and as the day progressed a migraine developed. I got to the point where I couldn’t see my work properly so I decided to quit for the day. As I’m walking across the shop floor to talk to my boss, I look at my phone to find a message from my Dad telling me that my aunt, his sister, had died that morning. When I was a kid we used to go and visit them often and I have many happy memories of playing with my cousins there. Boom. I stop in my tracks and just stare at my phone.

I snap out of it and continue walking over to my boss. I was still in shock and all I could do was explain the migraine and tell her the message had just hit my phone. I just showed her the message. As ever she was an angel and said it was fine to go.

So I get home and start talking to my Dad about what happened. He then tells me that my great aunt had died the afternoon before. Boom. What the fuck? I feel that crazy head building by that point. The migraine wasn’t helping.

So the next few days I’m all over the place. I struggled to focus on anything. Fortunately I’m good enough at my job now that I can still keep the quality up but it’s exhausting. It didn’t help that I had a job for one of our Formula One customers that had asked for it to be sent early. I finished it with literally one minute to spare. (4:59pm).

So, having exhausted myself, I decided to stop at the chippy on the way home as I was in no state to cook a meal. While I’m in the queue, I look at my phone and see a message from my Dad again. It simply said:”Here we go again son.”

He then forwarded two messages from my cousin to say his brother had been diagnosed with cancer and was due for chemo a week later. He was admitted to hospital with terrible pain and didn’t even make it through that day. He was my favourite cousin and two years younger than me. Boom.

Just… Gobsmacked, as you can imagine. Three in under a week. Again. My running total now is fourteen deaths in under seven years. I wish someone could explain how/why I haven’t gone completely insane by now. Before I had even got home I text my boss and explained that I couldn’t come in tomorrow (Friday). Again she was fine with it.

Enough now. As you know, My Lady once called me the death whisperer. It all feels a little too real now. Maybe I really am. Or at least death feels the need to punish me in some way.

Oh, I don’t know. I really don’t know what to think any more. Death after death after death and I’m still here, fighting the urge to go bat shit crazy every day. We all know there can be only one result from a fight with death, but I’ll be fucked if I’m not going to rip him a new one before/when I die, just to spite the bastard.

Ridiculous of course but it gets me through the day now. Death can go fuck himself.

So mote it be.

So I’ve fallen ill just in time for Easter. What the hell? Four days off and I’m too sick to do anything. It’s Easter Sunday and I’ve spent the whole weekend either sleeping or being a zombie on the sofa reading the Edgar Allen Poe book my dear friend lent me. I had so much planned with the home this weekend. I have today and tomorrow to tackle it and I still feel like crap even if I’m not as bad as yesterday. I could continue being a zombie but I’m so annoyed with having not done anything all weekend, I’m going to force myself to at least do some of it. Just catching up with the basic housework will take a while.

Another symptom (pun intended) of this is that the food cupboards are quite bare. I’m still too dizzy to safely ride my bike so I took a walk to Lidl, not thinking for a moment that it might be closed for Easter Sunday. It was. Already exhausted from that walk, and given we need groceries, I walked still further to the local Tesco. Closed. Oh cmon give me a break! Costa is open, so that’s where I find myself, surprise surprise. I’m so frustrated right now. It took so much effort to even leave the house and I end up walking for around 4-5 miles.

Anyway, other than the above, most areas of my life are really good at the moment. Work is going really well, I’m going to a Machine Head gig in Glasgow with the headcase fam in June and my dear friend and I have been enjoying the music vibe even more this week. I’m so glad we work together. We’d hardly ever see each other otherwise. I’d miss her terribly.

After so long being alone and lonely, it’s wonderful to finally connect with someone on a deep, soul level. Just to feel understood on that level means so much to me. The grief, the depression, the music, the poetry, the sunsets and all the things in common we have still yet to discover. I have no doubt there is much more to come too.

Well, my coffee is nearly cold again and I have lots to do. No doubt I’ll take a few days to come back to this yet again…

Indeed I did. This is another post I left hanging two weeks ago.

Saturday.

Well it’s been an interesting week. Thursday and Friday were nothing short of delightful. A very special friend at work and I have been sharing music for some time but the end of this week, it ramped up big time. I scrolled back last night and found nearly thirty songs in our private chat. As time progresses, we are finding we have more and more in common. Much like sharing the sunset together, we both find that there’s a magic in moving someone by sending them a song.

You can say so much with a song without uttering a word. Love songs, break up songs, grief songs. As we all know, some of us use music to send a message that one isn’t brave enough to say out loud. It’s semi risk free in a way. You can hint at something while at the same time keeping a degree of plausible deniability. Sometimes it’s not even conscious. With some songs though, it’s hard not to take them literally, especially if one is sent the lyric video, whether it was sent with a message intended or not. I think that’s probably my head set than anything else though.

The last two days of the week, the energy between us was quite intense but in a lovely way. Both of us feeling quite exited and moved by our music sharing.

By the time we finished work my friend and I both seemed to have a spring in our step. I know I did. We walked the first mile from work together as we often do and hugged goodbye when we went our separate ways. It had been a little while since we had done that. Sometimes I wish we could hug a little longer. We are quite close now and I’d like to be able to show that without it getting weird.

By the last few hours of work yesterday, we were positively bouncing off the walls. It was great. As I mentioned above, we are finding more in common and one thing was dancing. I’ve never really done any dancing but the idea of being able to dance properly with someone close appeals so much. So romantic and intimate. I can’t remember how we got into the subject but it seems we both vibe it a lot. My friend sent me the YouTube video of Ed Sheeran’s Thinking Out Loud. We both agreed that the dancing was beautiful and that it would be amazing to do it with someone one day.

So I’m in Costa once more. I just had to get out of the house. After the beautiful escapism of the last couple of days, the reality of my home life sucks. What I wouldn’t give to just pack up and sod off to somewhere and my own place. I’ve banged on about that lots here so I won’t rehash it yet again. The point is, the contrast sucks. Weekends are getting a bit depressing as a result now.

Strange that most of my happiest times now are at work. Especially for the above reasons. Despite the obvious stresses that any jobs entails, I feel in my comfort zone when there. The people, the work, and of course my special friend. I feel very lucky to have my job. Three pay rises in two years, tons of training that I could never get any other company to give me and the management seem to genuinely like and respect me, not only on a skilled employee level, but on a personal level too.

Again this is another post that was hanging around from three weeks ago.

Saturday.

It’s been a pretty diabolical week. On Wednesday I was sitting at my pc, same as always, when all the lights went out. I thought a bulb had blown and tripped the circuit breaker. Then I hear the sound of water. I look down the hallway towards the front door and there was water pouring from the light fitting.

Suffice to say, I was shocked. Given how often my Princeling has left the tap on in the upstairs bathroom, I knew that was why. Not only had he left the tap on, he had blocked the sink, hence the Niagra falls from the hallway light. I ran upstairs screaming at him. Bit by bit he is destroying my home.

Once I had dealt with the initial disaster, I felt a cold, calm feeling come over me. At first I wanted to drag him out of the house by his hair and chase him down the road. What do I have to do to get him to stop this bullshit? It doesn’t matter how many times I’ve told him about these matters, it keeps happening. Massive gas bills, water bills, holes in several doors, and probably damage to the floor and ceiling now too.

I’ve said it many times, but now I’ve fully disconnected from the emotions that have stopped me throwing him out already, the only thing that has stopped me so far is that I know damn well, when that conversation starts I’ll struggle to be reasonable about it. I’ve been going to bed ridiculously early every night since. I just don’t want to be around him at all anymore. I’ve always tried not to make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotional response, but now I’ve had time to calm down… I still want to live on my own.

This will be one of the hardest things I’ve done for a long time, but it has to happen. He has been bidding on places for him to move into but the system is rammed so there is a huge queue of bidders on every dwelling. I have also been looking for somewhere to swap to.

My Lady and I had always planned to move to Wiltshire later in life and her favourite place was Marlborough. In all these years on the homeswapper website, there has never been anywhere available for exchange there. The day after the above incident, one came up. Crazy.

The week before, we had been discussing moving home and what we both wanted eventually. He was concerned that I would move out of town and he wouldn’t have me to fall back on. At the time, I had not actually considered leaving town as I work here and I still don’t have a car. Now the thought of living elsewhere is very appealing. If I had a car I could do it if it wasn’t too far. A twenty or thirty minute drive would be quite acceptable.

So I’m sat in Costa at the Ham shops once again as I got paid today. The sun is shining and it’s quite warm too. I’m hoping that we get some consistent dry weather soon. I want to tackle the garden. I need to do something this weekend to make myself feel like I’m moving forward so it’s a shame the garden is soaked. There is plenty to do in the house though. It’s just a shame my Princeling is there. I’ve done zero housework since the flooding but I’ll get that done today.

I spent a few hours on Zoom with a couple of friends last night. I was up until gone 2am, but I woke up quite early. As ever, we had a nice deep chat about life, the Universe and everything. Both my friends were feeling better after having a shitty few weeks which was nice. My turn to vent.

I seem to have left a few drafts posts hanging around this month. The above was a month ago. 🤷‍♀️

Tuesday. The last few days have been… “Interesting”. Last Friday my father sent me a photo of my Grandfather on my mothers side that my Aunt sent him. I’d never seen him before. I’ve never even known his full name until now. My Dad was talking to my Aunt and she told him the story behind his absence and said he should tell me the truth, in full. So he simply forwarded the messages to me. It wasn’t pleasant reading.

As I mentioned in my last post, my mother had issues with alcohol and in her early years, drugs too. Now I know why. To some extent it explains the lack of proper connection I had with her. Self medicating to escape trauma, upheaval and the feeling of being abandoned. I am my mothers son in that regard, that much is true. It’s almost spooky, the parallels between us. How I had the strength to not start taking hard drugs again when My Lady died, I’ll never know. I was tempted countless times. I consider myself fortunate that I didn’t move in those circles any more. If I wanted it, I would’ve had to actively seek it out. If it was under my nose, it would have gone straight up my nose, pun intended. Kind of. Even now, when I think of the buzz of speed or ecstasy, there is still part of my mind that wants it. Truth be told, it would be just what I need. For a few hours. Then the inevitable cravings would kick in along with those long since vanquished demons. I haven’t come this far to slip back into those old shoes. That was two lifetimes ago.

My mother died a month after my birthday in 2019, two months after my mother in law. She had reached out on that birthday and seemed to want to reconnect and it would have been wonderful to be able to discuss everything that had happened between us but she was dead a month later, along with any hope of knowing why she was unable to be the mother she could have been. Or so I thought at the time. It was the same with my half sister. We talked so much about this when she died. Both of us were brought up by our fathers when she left us.

So I received the forwarded messages from my Aunt on Sunday morning. It took a bit of processing and I then sent them to my brother. He had precious few answers to a lot of things too. I then spent the morning discussing it with my Aunt. By the end of it, my attitude to my mother had changed. It all made sense now.

Finally…

So, yet another death to deal with. My half sister’s Nan. When I was a kid and my mother was with her dad, I used to see them every Saturday. My mother was an alcoholic for most of my life. When I would visit, I would watch them drinking and my step Nan would look after me. It was the same with my other step dad. That Nan has gone too. I don’t hold any resentment though. I didn’t know any better back then and none of them were abusive. Just not very present. All of them cleaned up in the end but both my Nan’s took very good care of me while I was there. They were both angels.

I’m starting to lose count how many deaths there have been in recent years. It’s got to the point that when I hear of any death I’m totally triggered, even if I wasn’t close to them. I was having my cigarette after lunch when I found out. I was crying before I’d even finished it. When I returned back to my desk, all I could do was stare into space, tears rolling down my cheeks. I nearly got tears on the circuit board I was building. Most of my colleagues know my story and were lovely. My through hole soldering counterpart especially. We have both been through many deaths in the last few years, we relate to each other a lot. After having a chat with her I decided that I didn’t want to even try to get through the rest of the day at work. I wouldn’t be able to focus anyway. My boss also knows what I have been through and she was as lovely, as ever. Ever the professional, she held back but I’ve known her long enough to know she wanted to hug me. She simply put her hand on my arm and said “Go, it’s fine”. It was all I could do not to burst into tears on her right there.

I’ve been on the edge for days if not weeks already. The fourth anniversary of My Lady’s passing, Valentine’s Day, the unwanted feels and more besides. I just want to run away and start a new life on my own right now. Death is one thing one can never escape though isn’t it? It’s the only certainty in life. My half brother and I have been alluding to this when we found out about our half sister’s Nan. He is forty this year and I am fifty this year. Everybody knows that as you get older, people will naturally start dying more often but the reality of it is something you can’t prepare for.

I’m tired. So so tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of being lonely. Tired of it all. Every time it looks like there might be some sort of happiness on the horizon, the Cosmos slaps me in the face, as if to say “What were you thinking? Happiness? Not you kiddo.” Figures…

All the people I want to keep either die or move away or worse, just abandon me. I’m starting to think I’ll forever be alone. It’s ironic as just when I thought I had accepted that and even embraced it, I find myself wanting a companion again. There is no sign of that happening though. I guess I had my run.

There was one particular hug I could have done with today, but that wasn’t going to happen. I’m not sure I want a hug from anyone else at the moment.

So, when I left work in the pouring rain, I slowly cycled to Costa. It’s been hammering down for days now with hardly a break at any time. I’m getting used to getting soaked now. It doesn’t even bother me any more. Floods everywhere here, I repeatedly got splashed by cars passing me. I didn’t care. Sat looking out of the window in Costa, it’s still hammering down. I don’t even want to go home. My Princeling has been pissing me off lately, repeatedly leaving to hot tap on full blast for hours to the point that I got a gas bill nearly three hundred pounds higher than normal. He doesn’t even have the decency to offer to help out with it. To add insult to injury, he even expects me to financially support him still, despite him having an income now. I’m so done.

I suspect I’ll be moving house sooner than I thought. He won’t be coming with me, that much is certain. I’m getting to the point where I don’t care any more. I’m done. I’ve said that many times and I doubt he will believe me when I say it as I’ve always backed down in the past hence the problem. He will get a shock soon enough though. Wherever I move to, it will be a one bedroom property and there will be no sofa surfing going on in my home.

I think it was a good idea to come here and write for a while. It’s fending off the urge to cry my eyes out. I suspect that feeling will return when I leave here though. When I do I shall let my Princeling know about my Nan and tell him I want to be alone. I really don’t want his or anyone else’s company today. Ideally the house would be empty other than my beloved dog, Mr C. I feel I’m running out of words a bit now so I guess this has helped a bit. I’ll probably continue this when I get home though. I’ll make a French press of coffee, shut the living room door and hibernate for a bit.

It shows what a contradiction I am still. I bemoan the loneliness, crave a companion, yet I just want to be alone right now. After all, most people just let you down or die don’t they?

Oh happy day!…

Funny… I start preparing leave, I look out of the window and a flood of memories fill my mind. Still hammering down, I remember all the times getting soaked when working at the mass vaccination center, all the emotional events during those times, the huge changes in my mind and personality. All the growth I went through there. Even the shitty job I had in the bread warehouse down the road from here and half a mile from where I work now.

Sure enough, I cried all the way home. I stopped for baccy on the way. Fortunately I was so soaked it wasn’t too obvious I’d been crying. My Princeling was out. He had gone to see his friend as he was “Dying of boredom”. He quickly apologized for the phrasing though, bless him. To be honest, it was perfect. I put a particular song on repeat full blast for a while. Necked the last of the vodka and had a shower. I’ve already necked a bottle of cider and opened a beer I bought yesterday. I can’t lie, I really want several more but can’t justify spending the money on alcohol when the gas bill has screwed me so badly. Unusually, I so want to drown my sorrows right now. I want to get hammered. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this much pain.

So, I have quite a buzz going now. Just enough that I want more. Probably a good thing I can’t buy more or I would… Lots.

So that was last night. It’s Friday night now and I’ve just finished a Zoom session with one of my headcases. Not a late one this time. Today has been much better. It needed to be really. For most of the day is was sunny and that always lifts my spirits.

The above was over a week ago now. I don’t know why I didn’t publish it.