Coffee ‘date’.

Sunday:

I’m sat outside Costa waiting for my dear friend. I’d not heard from her in a month. To my surprise, I got a message from her out of the blue wishing me happy birthday on Thursday and asking about going for coffee. Without even thinking about it I said yes. I’ve missed her a lot and I’d really like to know what’s happened since I saw her at our friend’s wedding reception.

It’s time I opened up a bit about how her absence has affected me. My soul sisters have been telling me I should be advocating for myself more in this relationship. Fair enough. I’ve been at pains to be understanding so much, I’ve not really been honouring myself and my feelings. After all, why would a true friend just ignore you for a whole month? Not what I expect from my friends. Not for a whole month anyway. A few days, sure. I can be guilty of that myself.

So let’s see how this pans out.

Well. What can I say? Our most interesting coffee yet. I opened right up to her. We talked about so much and yet I could have stayed all evening talking. It’s never long enough to be honest.

We went through what happened for her in the last month and now I know, I can understand to an extent why I hadn’t heard from her. Interestingly, I’m still the only one she has contacted. Once that was out of the way we dived into recapping our times together over the last year or so. The songs and their meanings. The poetry. I was completely open about how they made me feel at the time. There’s too much to relay here but suffice to say I made it very clear, not only how much I had missed her, but how much our vibe means to me.

She wasn’t phased in the slightest. If anything it seemed to make her very happy. Things have definitely moved up a level. Part of me just wishes she could be free for me to ask her out. It’s horrible being in a relationship that is over but still living together. I’ve been through it myself.

It’s strange having such strong feelings for someone who is not even available. Knowing it can’t happen changes nothing. It gets back to that thing about the feels not being tied down to rationality or reason. If her relationship was a happy one I’d have not even hinted in the slightest that I liked her. Been there enough times too.

I’m sat in the same Costa right now. It’s Thursday. She has replied to all of my messages within a few hours at most since the above. I had a free birthday treat on the costa app and it’s chucking down with rain so here I am again after work. Despite all the times I’ve been here with various people, I can never help thinking about our first coffee here. While I was getting our drinks, she claimed our seats and checked in on Facebook. Sharing the checkin saying “With the man, the myth, the legend, Lord Crookedhorn”. It still gives me a big smile and a little butterflies to this day. She shared it publicly too.

I’m exhausted. It was nearly half one by the time I fell asleep last night. I did some serious damage to my birthday Jack Daniel’s. On a work night too. Muppet. I spent a good few hours on the phone to my brother, catching up and going through our situations. I just want to go home and straight to bed. How new.

The rain has stopped, the wind has eased. I look out the window at the world going by and the fire station across the road. What I wouldn’t give to get away from my life right now. Apart from my dear friend of course. She feels the same and it’s the main topic of most of the songs we share. To escape. Get away. Run away together. It makes me sad that it’s impossible for now. I’m overtired and that always makes me more emotional but I’m pretty done with my life as it is. I still massively crave to live on my own in my bungalow. Interestingly my dear friend said something similar on Sunday. “Once the kids are old enough, I’m off to my one bedroom flat”. I wonder if that will happen? Will we still know each other then? I’m not waiting for anything but I have no interest in anyone else either. When I have the feels for someone, it’s only them. I can’t even think about anyone else. I wouldn’t want to.

I’d rather be alone than look for someone else because my dear friend is unavailable. I wasn’t looking in the first place when we connected. It just happened. Such is the way of these things in my experience. I’ve never in my life gone actively looking for a life partner. The idea of dating random women doesn’t appeal in the slightest. If it doesn’t happen organically I’m not interested.

I’m not exactly in a great place to start a relationship anyway. I wonder if I ever will be? I guess at some point I’ll just do it anyway. I’ve just turned fifty and I don’t want the last decades of my life to be on my own.

As I sit here, waves of tiredness are washing over me. If I was in bed right now, I’d sleep right through til my morning alarm. Guess I should head home soon.

Ugh… What joy…