Still tangled up.

Tuesday. There is definitely a pattern developing at work with my mood. The morning is usually ok. The odd laugh punctuating being busy. First break seems to take forever to come. After lunchtime my mood seems to start dipping. I usually take lunch at the back of the building with a few colleagues as we like to sit in the sun and chat. There are a handful of us that I suppose you could call the mental health group. We’ve all been through or are going through shitty times for one reason or another and we have all been there for one another at some point. My dear friend was one of them. One of the group was close to my dear friend too and the three of us were particularly close. He is one of the few who knows about how I feel. As a consequence, I sometimes talk about how much I’m missing her. He understands quite well as he has the feels for another colleague who he can’t have.

I’ve been having a break from Facebook for the last week or so. It’s the first time ever. The all seeing, all knowing algorithm has been throwing up post after post about being ghosted in one way or another. It was really impacting my mental health. I removed the app from my phone and installed the messenger app on my PC so I didn’t need to use the site for messaging. I’m slowly starting to get to get used to not being able to check Facebook every moment I have spare. It got to the point where I was sharing twenty or more posts a day. One of my soul sisters even started calling it Crookedhorn book.

I have several friends that have either quit social media altogether or had a break from it. I believe I have/had developed an unhealthy addiction to Facebook since 2020 and the pandemic. I met my headcase family through Robb’s Facebook live streams and ended up living my social life almost completely on Facebook and have pretty much ever since. It struck me recently how hopelessly obsessed most people are with social media in general. Just imagine for a moment that ALL social media disappeared permanently. How would you feel about that? No doubt a few of you wouldn’t care less, naturally, but I’m sure most of you would not be happy at all. At least initially. I find that fascinating.

After last break today, my mood plummeted. I’m sick of it. I knew it would take a while to get used to not having my dear friend at work but I’m struggling to not be a dick at the slightest irritation now. It’s no one else’s problem if I’m having a bad time. To be fair, I’ve noticed a lot of my colleagues being nicer and more considerate to me since she quit. Not that they weren’t anyway, just more so now.

The head of inspection has been organizing drinks in town after work for my birthday bless him. He came up to me today and asked what else I drink other than cider as he wants to buy me drinks and cider is “boring, after all it’s your fiftieth”. Can’t lie I am very much down for a bit of a shindig. We are a good bunch at work and have a lot of fun when we go out for drinks. We used to do it every month on the Friday after payday. Should be fun. My headcase family have said they want to have a birthday zoom with me on Friday night too.

I still don’t know how I feel about turning fifty. People are still telling me I don’t look anywhere near that. Surprising, given how haggard I feel/look. Still I’ll take that. I’m not really one to obsess about getting old, other than the drive to make the most of what time I have left. I certainly don’t resent it.

So I’m sat outside McDonald’s again but this time it’s actually free. Last time they gave me a strip of the competition stickers and I won food and a drink so here I am yet again. What a sad, lonely example of a man I am. I don’t enjoy work any more and I rarely, if ever want to go home either. The craving for another life is back again. I think the escapism my dear friend and I have enjoyed all year has pushed that aside until now.

Then of course Ronnie Real comes a knocking yet again. Reality crashes in. I sometimes wonder how much I’ve lived in the real world for the last four and a half years. I’ve fantasized about a different life a few times. California, Australia and of course my beach bar and grill on my tropical island. Those fantasies got me through months, if not years on and off. But, however unrealistic they are, if you don’t dream big you’ll never do anything in my opinion.

I was going to stop and buy my hair dye on the way home but to be honest I just want to go home and straight to bed. It’s only six o’clock though. Depression is a fucker like that. Once I’ve left work for a while I just want to shut down. A year or so ago I’d have had one of my “hoodie naps” to escape the feeling. When you’re asleep it all goes away for a bit.

Ugh. One more cigarette and I’ll get going. This McDonald’s is in the shade and it’s a bit chilly despite it being sunny at the moment. It’s not even peaceful here being right next to a dual carriageway.

Joy…