Here endeth the lesson.

So, today I got confirmation that my dear friend has resigned. I was told by another colleague. Finding out that way made me incandescent with rage. I was absolutely livid if not surprised. I sat fuming, cutting out LED’s by the hundred as work is quiet at the moment.

The assistant manager came over and asked how I was getting on. I had intended to keep anger to myself but I failed. I said that cutting out the LED’s was good for me as I was pissed off. He asked why and I just said my dear friend’s name. I told him how angry I was at finding out on the grapevine rather than being told to my face. Of course they have no obligation to do so, and if anything, they have a duty of confidentiality. The thing that really made me angry was that several others had already been told. But no one had the balls to come and tell me. The whole company knows damn well how close we are.

I still haven’t heard from my dear friend and I can’t lie, it’s upsetting me. I miss her more than I ever realised possible. My boss came and had a chat with me this morning after finding out how angry I was. She had thought, naturally, that my dear friend would have talked to me. I know full well why she hasn’t. She knows how upset I’d be at her leaving. She would find it really hard to just tell me straight. There could also be other reasons for her resigning too but that just takes me down the old road of assumptions and overthinking. I’d love to know what it was that actually made her take to decision to leave. Last I spoke to her, she wasn’t happy here in some ways but valued the friendships she had here too. I received a nice update on her holiday a couple of weeks ago and then nothing. What changed? Who knows? I get the feeling that I might never know.

I really want to ask what happened but I know she won’t be in a good place right now so I just sent a message saying “Hope you’re ok, miss you.” She will reply in her own time. Assuming she does at all. If it has to be goodbye, I hope it won’t be like this. If we can’t be friends any more for whatever reason I want to part ways properly rather than ‘Poof!’ Gone. I’m stupidly grateful to have had her in my life and we have had some lovely close moments. Real soul connections are few and far between and I treasure every one of them.

My boss was very sympathetic when we talked. I made it clear that I understood her position and that I held no bad feeling towards her. I probably let slip a bit too much about how much I was missing her to be honest but at this point I’m not sure it even matters. By the end of our conversation we both started getting emotional, so we called it right then to avoid us both bursting into tears.

I don’t think she knew exactly how much I care for my dear friend. As I’ve mentioned before here, I’d not be surprised if many of my colleagues suspected we had deeper feelings than we let on but I couldn’t hide my emotions from my boss. “I’m missing her so much. Probably more than I should.” I said to her. I think that probably made it obvious how I felt.

Whatever, there is nothing left to do with this situation. The ball as it were is in my dear friend’s court. I just hope she sends the ball back my way at some point soon, but I can’t and shouldn’t wait on tenterhooks on the off chance she will. I have to focus on moving on. It feels strange, missing someone this much though. I was only saying to my soul sisters last night that I haven’t ever missed anyone this much. Other than My Lady of course. How things have changed.

Work is dead today. We are having trouble getting the bare circuit boards delivered at the moment. I’m sat at my desk bashing out this drivel waiting for something to do. Some people here complain about having nothing to do and I get that but personally, it’s so incredibly rare that I run out of work in my role, I don’t mind just sitting here chilling.

And as I write that, a job finally comes my way and it’s three o’clock. Five boards for a Formula One team. At least it’s an interesting job.

So, it’s Friday eve. Machine Head are back home after their tour and Happy Hours have started again. Myself and the gang has missed the streams and it’s been great to hang out with each other and the band. On top of that, tomorrow evening is rock/metal night in town. Being my birthday month, I plan on getting a few requests in this time. I’m sure my good friend the DJ will oblige. After the shit show of the last month, letting off some steam by head-banging myself stupid is just what I need. It’ll be good to catch up with my friends there too. I wish it was more than once a month though. We all do. It’s the one place we all feel like we can be our true selves. Music is life after all. 🤘

What a crazy month it’s been. Through by brother and sister in law staying to the darkness of my medication problem, then my dear friend going AWOL then resigning. Mentally, that’s a lot to process in one month. I’ll be processing it for a lot longer than a month though.

Oh well. I had been wondering when the Cosmos was going to throw its next ton of crap at me. Despite that, it still takes me by surprise. It shouldn’t any more. I should know better than to expect a peaceful and content life. What on earth was I thinking? There’s always some spanner in the works when I find the tiniest bit of happiness. You may say I’m just being negative but there’s no ‘just’ about it. Over four and a half years after My Lady died, and I’m still going through hell in one way or another. To be fair though, the bond I’ve made with my dear friend has kept my depression at bay for most of the year. Looking back, the main source of my depression has been the lack of development in that relationship and depression is probably the wrong word for it.

But life goes on, same as always. Time for yet another new chapter in this life I never wanted or asked for. I’m fifty this month. Fifty. Half a bloody century. How the hell I’ve made it this far I’ll never know. If nothing else that alone is worth celebrating. My Headcase friend has bought me a weekend ticket to the Bloodstock festival next year as “part” of my birthday. I wonder what else the guys have planned. Mr Cocktail Carnage has repeatedly said he is not letting me get away with not having some kind of celebration with the guys. Several of us have a September birthday so hopefully some of us at least can get together and do something.

Getting back to the original topic of this post, the last month has taught me quite a few lessons. Harsh ones too. I hope I can keep them going forward. I could do without a repeat of them. Catching the feels this year and the after effects of it was obviously out of my control but the medication thing was purely my fault. I have no one else to blame for it other than myself. I took a few photos of the place I stood, pondering what it would be like to end it all. A reminder to never allow myself to get in that position again. It was one thing to consider suicide just after My Lady died but quite another purely because I hadn’t kept on top of my medication regime.

Here endeth the lesson…