More reflection.

So yet again I find myself outside my local McDonald’s writing more of this drivel. I can actually afford it this time as Mr Screamer unexpectedly paid me for more songs.

It’s been a hot and very humid day today. I just took a shower and came out to get some peace and to cool off. I still find myself feeling down about recent events. My dear friend and colleague still hasn’t resurfaced. She’s not even responding to our boss. I’ve been worried about her for some time now but it’s changing to resignation now. I get the feeling I’ll never hear from her again. What a shitty way for our friendship to end. No last conversation, no explanation, nothing. Poof! Gone. As if I didn’t overthink my relationship with her enough as it is. There comes a point where one just has to accept that I’m not going to get a reply and move on I guess.

My soul sisters have been telling me I should move on for weeks if not months now. There are right, of course. They usually are. We have come to understand each other deeply over the last few years. It works both ways too. I’ve told one of them they should move on from a similar situation.

We both know it’s easy to say that when you’re not involved of course. I could deal with this a lot better if she had just said “Sorry, I can’t be your friend any more.”, even if she gave no explanation for it. I’d rather just be told. Again, that’s easy to say, but I don’t know what’s happening to cause her disappearance so I should try not to judge too harshly. I know enough about her and her life to know that would be an incredibly difficult thing to do. She knows damn well I’ll be gutted to lose her as a friend.

So I’m trying to get my head into move on mode. I can’t lie though, I miss her terribly and I will for a long time. Things could have been so different if only there was proper communication between us. Strange, as at times we opened up to each other so much. Even bared our neck to each other if you know what I mean? The things unsaid, however, will stick with me for a long time.

Still, part of me always knew this could happen. Given the rocky relationship she has it was always possible that I could be perceived as a threat and it certainly seems to have ended up that way. New guy comes along, makes the effort to understand her, makes her smile when she talks about me etc etc. Even her kids seemed fond of me before they had even met me. She must have spoken highly of me for them to feel like that.

Whatever, there’s nothing I can do about it now. I’ve stopped messaging and texting now. The last text simply saying “I just want to know you’re safe.”. I’d have thought that might have solicited a response but no. So I won’t bother her any more now. No good flogging a dead horse and anyway, it would probably only make her feel worse which would make her even more unlikely to reply.

So, enough now. Time to focus on myself again. To that end I spent all day yesterday editing and mixing my second song. Nearly nine hours too. It burned me out, I have to admit, but it was worth it. It sounds much better and not only was it a good distraction, I had got out of practice in the studio too.

I need to focus on my music again. I’ve done nothing all summer. Head down, crack on and get this project moving again. It will take a while to get the momentum back up though. All the crap that’s happened this year has been a major distraction from it all.

Wow, it’s gone half nine already. I’ll finish this at home as I’m usually in bed by ten ish…

So after a pleasant and quiet walk home I find myself wanting to do something but I don’t know what. It’s getting late though and I have work tomorrow. Guess I should go to bed.

Night friends. x