Still not ideal…

Wow, two in as many hours. I hit publish on my last post, got up to leave and went straight back into McDonald’s to get a coffee on autopilot. I guess I still need to vent. Predictably, my Princeling wanted me to get something for him on the way home. I simply said “No. I’m busy.”.

This is not the ideal place for me to chill to be honest. Busy road right behind me, screaming kids and annoying music inside. Even this is better than going home right now. What a shit situation to find myself in eh? Maybe if I bash out this drivel for long enough it will be late enough for me to go home and straight up the stairs to bed. Fuck today. I really hope I level out soon. I’m surprised I haven’t let rip on someone. Sadly, the only person who is actually being a dick to me is my Princeling. All my colleagues have been very sympathetic to my current plight. They’ve seen me at my worst and at my best so they know I’m not simply being a dick. I don’t act like this for no good reason. Some just give me space, some check in on me throughout the day. I’m lucky to have colleagues like that.

This is nuts. I’m really struggling right now to wrap my head around how I feel right now. I’m wondering if I should talk to the doctor about whether I shouldn’t start weaning myself off these meds. It’s been four and a half years and other than the doubling of the dose back then, I’ve not even had a medication review in all that time. I don’t even know if they are helping now, or helping me with what even? Am I keeping it together (mostly) BECAUSE I’m on the meds, or have I simply healed enough to cope with life now? The only way to find out I guess is to sit down with my doctor and have that chat with him. I can’t go through this again though. As far as I know, all they can do is half the dose, then stop it. There is no intermediate between 15mg and 30mg.

As I type I can over hear some poor dude in his phone telling someone about how he is in a bad place and has never been this lonely in his life. Well, shit, I feel that. Poor bastard. I want to reach out to him but someone has just sat next to him.

Seems none of us are alone in being so lonely. How ironic. Bullshit isn’t it? Smoking yet another cigarette here and still none the wiser about what I want to do.

I often fantasise about randomly checking my bank account and finding a few hundred grand in there for no apparent reason. More escapism. First thing I would do is pay off all my debt, then arrange for all my stuff to go into storage and fuck off for a while. I say a while but if I had enough money, I’d almost certainly never come back other than for the odd family occasion.

Everyone I care about except my dear friend and colleague I’ve told you about lives in a different city. Other than my job, what is there here for me now? Nothing. Why stay? All my family live at least fifty miles away.

Ugh. I’m just rambling now. How new. I think I’ll just go home and straight to bed and screw what time it is. Oh, it’s nearly seven anyway. Mission accomplished. Finish my coffee and off I go.

Fuck this shit.

Here endeth the lesson…