Reflection.

Sunday.

Interesting times again. I’m currently sat in the local woods contemplating my life. I was here yesterday too. It’s so peaceful here. No road noise, butterflies flitting around, dragonflies swooping down to say hi, then scooting off again. Grasshoppers chirping in the grass.

I feel like big changes are afoot but I have no idea what they will be yet. Last week my dear friend came up to me first thing Monday morning, beaming smiles and clearly happy to see me. Ironically it was because she had got to the point where she didn’t care anymore about various situations in her life.

“No more fucks to give” as she put it. It was lovely to see her feel so free, despite the reasons for it. We’ve had the best week together at work than in a long time.

So, sat here in the countryside, I’m wondering where the next few months will take me. My brother and sister in law are staying with me next weekend which will be great. I’ve not seen them for over a decade. Then the following weekend my dear friend and I are going to our friend and colleague’s wedding reception together. Only one other colleague has been invited and he thought of just us two initially. Interesting that he thought of us as a pair when we are only friends. To be honest, it wouldn’t surprise me if many people at work think we are more than friends. I really don’t care though. Our connection DOES run deeper than with my normal friends though, hence my last few posts.

Whatever. I’m fast running out of fucks myself. People can and will think what they want and unless it bothers her, I don’t care. Life is too short to give a damn about these things.

So, it’s a week later now. Monday. My brother and sister in law came to stay for a long weekend. I’ve not seen them for well over a decade. He brought a bottle of Jim Beam with him. We destroyed it on the first night. We spent hours and hours going through the intervening years. It was nearly 4:30am by the time we crashed, drunk and emotionally drained.

It’s been wonderful but strange having anyone stay for more than one night. I’m not used to it. By the time they left on Sunday morning, I had so much food for thought, I felt the need to go for a ride in the woods again just to be on my own. I’ve said this countless times here but as time goes by, I want to be alone more than ever despite the constant craving for the soul connection I’ve made to evolve.

I took a different route this time and ended up a little lost. I didn’t care though. I was just letting the bike take me where it wanted. Eventually I found myself at the edge of a farmers field. It’s about as far away from people as you can get without riding for hours.

All I could hear were the birds and insects doing their thing. It was lovely. I’d taken a can of cider with me so I stopped by a huge log and rolled a cigarette. The sun was low on the horizon, a cooling breeze was blowing in my face. It had been a very hot day so it was welcome indeed.

Before long I had to start making my way back as the ride would have been perilous in the dark but I couldn’t leave before I took a few pictures of the scene. All I could think about was sharing the view with my dear friend. She would have loved it too.

As you can see, it was beautiful. I really didn’t want to go home though. I rarely do these days. I feel less and less peopley these days. I don’t even want to be around my Princeling. The only thing I go home for when I feel like this is to ensure Mr C is ok. He is very old now. Fifteen in October. For a Border Collie, that is very old. His back legs are a bit wobbly now bless him.

So as per the above, I don’t really want to go home. Sat outside McDonald’s having taken them up on their three for three deal. It’s already been an hour since I finished work. That went quick. It usually does when I’m writing this drivel.

Work just doesn’t feel the same without my dear friend. I had been distracted for days spending time with my brother and sister in law which was amazing but now I’m back at work, I’m missing her again. We have our colleagues wedding reception on Saturday evening but I’m wondering if she might bail on that. I’m probably just being paranoid but after her husband banned her from going to gigs with me and even got funny about her having coffee with me last time, it wouldn’t surprise me if something went down that would prevent her from going. I’ll be gutted if that happens. We’ve been looking forward to it all year. As ever, what will be will be.

The weather is hot this week. Today especially. A bit too hot even for me. I even took sun tan lotion with me to work today. I have to be careful now. I get a heat rash whenever I’m in the sunshine for even a little bit. Last thing I need is skin cancer. It’s annoying though. I’ve always loved being in the sun and pretty much never got burned. I guess it’s a symptom of my age.

Oh well, I guess I can’t sit here all evening. I have to go home at some point. Strange. As I type that, I think of someone else’s place as I type the word ‘home’. Interesting. Funny how someone can make you feel at home just by being in their presence. That would go some way to explaining that feeling of not wanting to go home.

Yet another insight into my own thought processes brought on by writing here. Over four years and over 140 thousand words and it’s still useful in that regard. It’s kind of why I started this. I had considered stopping this blog altogether but this year, the need to write has been prolific. Over 25 thousand words so far. I also have a couple of posts in draft too.

Well, I’m still sat here bashing this drivel out over an hour and a half later. My random thoughts spewing onto the page. Some people who know me would probably think I’m crazier than they ever realised if they read it.

They wouldn’t be wrong…