Up and down like a yo yo.

I don’t know where to start today but I feel like writing to purge some stuff. Seems I’m not alone on that level tonight. One of my closest Headcase friends is going through stuff today too. We’ve been talking almost constantly for two days now. We find ourselves in a similar position. Trying to find some kind of closure or at least some answers from our emotional situations.

I still have the feels for my dear friend and colleague. Sometimes I wish I could just switch it off. As I’ve said before, it’s not like I chose to feel this way. I’ve not been able to get her out of my head all year. There… I said it. I’ve only told that to three of my closest people. A lot has happened on this level since my last post. Where to start?

Just under two weeks after my last post it was her birthday. I know it would have been a bit shitty for her so I wanted to spoil her a bit. I hate seeing her miserable. She deserves to know she is cared for. I organised a whip round at work. I got a nice card, cake, flowers, her favorite drink and what was left of the money we gave her towards the electric piano she was looking at getting at the time. It clearly moved her. I was really nervous for some reason leading up to our presenting it all to her. Once we had all sung happy birthday, she came up to me and said “Was this you?!”. I jokingly tried to modestly deny it, then she threw her arms around me and said thank you. My heart nearly leapt out of my chest. I loved seeing how happy it made her when the thought of her birthday was getting her down leading up to it. I could tell she was buzzing from it for the rest of the afternoon. I loved it.

Several of us went for drinks after work to celebrate further. We were sat together all evening. We all had a great time as we always do when we go out for drinks. We’re a good bunch of colleagues. My dear friend and I sat next to each other all evening. After a while I noticed something. Skin contact. It was only our bare arms touching but my mind couldn’t focus on anything else once I noticed it. We had never had any skin contact before. Now, you might think me stupid or even a bit nuts to assign such significance to something as basic as our arms touching, but it was almost electric. Maybe it was just me but I got the vibe she noticed it almost as much as I did.

One by one, our colleagues went home and eventually it was just the two of us left. We sat chatting for quite some time on our own. We both feel so comfortable when we are on our own, chatting about life, the Universe and everything. It never takes long for the conversation to get deep either. Eventually, it was time for her to go home. Naturally, I walked her home. It’s an hour and a half walk from her place to mine but I wasn’t going to spend out on a taxi. Last time we went for work drinks, I needed the loo less than half way home. Mortified at having to, I found a bush to relieve myself. I dropped my phone while there and, being dark, I had no clue where it had landed. Fortunately a kind soul walking their dog called it so I could find it.

In light of this, my friend said I should use their bathroom before setting out for home this time. My surprise was tangible. She wanted me to meet her family. It shouldn’t have been surprising at all really. I mean, we ARE just friends. Despite my having caught the feels and the fact that their marriage had ended, I didn’t know what to make of it. To be honest, I was not a little honored that she wanted me to meet her children. It did of course mean I would meet the husband too.

While we were walking she told me that her daughter had a nickname for me. Wow, she clearly talks about me at home. Not only that, she must talk of me fondly for her daughter to have a nick name for me. I was, and am still, quite moved by that. On top of that, when we arrived at her place, she introduced me to everyone. Her children were quite obviously very pleased to meet me. Beaming smiles and everything. So cute. I shook her sons hand, and then her husbands. Her daughter had the huge chocolate cake in her arms though which pleased her no end. Her husband didn’t seem put out or weird about my presence at the time.

So I used their bathroom, said thank you and goodbye to her family. Without thinking, I said goodbye to her and gave her a big hug. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t think twice about it. I’m a hugger. It’s automatic. I hug all the people I’m close to and have done for years. Being friends it shouldn’t have been an issue at all but I was thinking about it all the way home. Should I have hugged her in front of her husband?

As far as I knew, no drama came of it. Over the following week at work however, something had changed. I have become hyper sensitive to changes in energy since we have got to know each other. The change was incredibly subtle and I thought I was just being paranoid at first. For months now we have walked the first mile from work together and then gone our separate ways after a friendly hug. Now, her husband was picking her up every day. Beforehand he was only picking her up once or twice a month. This went on for two whole weeks and eventually I was certain that something had gone down as a result of the events surrounding her birthday. I could also tell that she felt nervous or awkward about being seen with me when he collected her. Maybe that’s just my perception/intuition but I have come to trust it over the years.

Historically it’s not been unusual for her to go quiet on messenger, but now nothing for nearly two weeks. I didn’t want to keep messaging her if she didn’t want to talk. It made me very sad, bordering on depressed. We were still talking at work and that seemed OK but for the most part most interactions were quite impersonal. Then one day, when we were on our break, a few of us were talking about music in general and gigs when she said that she wanted to go to more gigs but had no one to go with. For a split second, I was quite hurt. We had talked about going to gigs together many times. I looked her straight in the eye and said “Well, at least we have the Tubular Bells 50th anniversary in town”. She replied with “I’m not allowed to go.”. At this point I was struggling to keep my verbal filter in check. I asked her why not and she said that her husband had basically banned her from going with me. He didn’t want her going to a gig “with a guy”. I was livid. “I fucking knew it!” came out of my mouth before I could stop it. She looked shocked at my response, and just said “What!?”. Everyone was looking at me. I evaded the explanation for my outburst, I can’t remember exactly how. I messaged her shortly after explaining the vibe I had got since her birthday and asked if we could talk about it. No response.

There was nothing for well over a week after that. I had to just accept that she wasn’t willing to discuss it and I certainly wasn’t going to ambush her into the conversation. I’d never knowingly do anything to ruin our friendship. Clearly things had changed and I just had to accept it. I struggled with it, I can’t lie. I got how it could be an awkward conversation, but just 5 minutes chatting about it could have saved a lot of guessing and overthinking on my part.

I guess it would have been even more awkward if she had caught the feels too. I’m not convinced she hasn’t/hadn’t either. Regardless, neither of us have actually spoken of it even if the songs we have shared speak volumes of it but like I said in a previous post, once you say it out loud, it’s out there and you can’t unsay it. Plausible deniability…

Since then I’ve been up and down like a yo yo. Feels or not, I miss our active friendship. I’d rather have her as a friend than not at all because it all went weird over the feels. I’ve caught the feels before, kept my mouth shut and shoved it all down and dealt with it and even managed to keep a wonderful friendship without ruining it. The only difference here is the (slim, unknown) possibility of the feels being reciprocated. I’ve dealt with it before and I can do it again. She’s worth it.

Last week the vibe lifted. She has been more interactive and we had had a really good laugh together. We even walked the first mile again for the first time since her birthday nearly two months ago. We even gave each other the friendly hug again. She finally seems to feel relaxed around me when we are alone again. No idea why, but I have to say, I’m quite relieved. I’d be very upset if our friendship was over.

So over the course of the above events, I’ve been an emotional yo yo. Incredibly frustrating being ignored for so long by message but seemingly OK at work. Also frustrating being at the mercy of my emotions at the hands of another’s behavior regardless of whether they meant to cause me pain. I don’t resent it even now but I’ve had to try and detach myself from the emotional connection for my own sanity. Nuff now.

The next few weeks will be interesting leading up to the wedding reception (only) we were invited to by a colleague. Since we were invited, I’ve played out many scenarios in my mind. I wonder if she will even be ‘allowed’ to go given that I am going. Now that would really piss me off. I’ve been wondering all along if she would go alone or with the husband.

All along I’ve had nothing but respect for their situation and have always been concerned that our friendship might cause trouble at home. She is not available and that’s the end of it. It always has been. Catching the feels was not what I wanted and sure as hell wasn’t expected. I won’t knowingly do anything to damage their situation. It’s none of my business anyway.

Hopefully, whatever happens, her situation will play out however it will without my being an influence on it in any way. I just want her to be happy. Above all she is my friend. Enough with the confusion already. Time to move on and let what will be… Be. My soul sister had been kicking my arse over this for some time. She hates seeing me down or messed up. She’s an angel. Protective like a younger sister. She has said several times I should just work on moving on and just be a friend and try and forget any thoughts of the feels. She is right too. If I had to deal with this in a prospective partner, it would never work. It’s precisely what I don’t want or need. My attachment type is anxious/over thinker and this is and would be a trigger for that. That wouldn’t be fun at all.

What will be, will be…