It never rains but it pours.

After a few weeks processing the three deaths that occurred recently, I find myself feeling ever more determined to make this life my own and screw what anyone else wants. My situation at home hasn’t really changed, but I’ve started the ball rolling. I told my Princeling that I’m not going to be his personal chef any more. He turned twenty this week. Why the hell am I treating our relationship like he is still fifteen? I haven’t cooked for him for over a week. I was interested to see what would happen. Disappointingly, he just ordered take out repeatedly. Well, you can lead a horse to water…

For his birthday he asked for a BBQ that day so I bought everything for it but he ended up wanting to do it while I was at work. I was happy to do it of course though, being his birthday.

The morning of his birthday, my best friend messaged me asking if I had seen our former colleagues Facebook post. When I looked I was shocked to read that his wife had passed away. We believe she was pregnant too. Boom. She was so young too. I don’t know how it happened yet but it hit me hard. I guess because it was his wife. Of course the baby too. I messaged my boss to tell her and that I was going to try and get through the day but to be prepared for me either being emotional or bailing altogether. As usual she was as understanding as ever. I got through the day and didn’t let on to my Princeling. I didn’t want to lay that on him in his birthday. I’ll have to tell him tonight though I guess.

It’s payday and I’m sat outside McDonald’s writing this drivel again. The last two days have been lovely, weirdly. My dear friend at work and I have moved on to another level this week. I can’t lie it’s made me very happy. We were supposed to be going for drinks with work in town tomorrow, Friday, but we are going for coffee on our own instead. Much as I enjoy drinks with work friends, I much prefer chilling with her on our own. I even told her as much today. To be honest I’m done worrying about what anyone thinks about how well we get on. I can tell it’s been noticed at work, but unless it bothers her, I don’t care who knows. We both deserve a bit of happiness and/or companionship, however that manifests. I’m very much looking forward to our coffee tomorrow. It’s also her birthday next week so it’ll be nice to spoil her a little.

So this McDonald’s has to be the only take out I get this month. I’m trying to get enough money together for a gig next month. Machine Head have only two dates in the UK this year and my headcase family and I are going together to the Glasgow gig. We’ve been to several shows together since the big meet-up at the Manchester and Wembley shows a couple of years ago but it’s Machine Head that brought us together in the first place so it will be another special time for us all.

After all the deaths recently it will be just what I need. Life has been so harsh for me lately. My antidepressants have been doubled along with my epilepsy medication. Stress is one of the biggest seizure triggers for me. Now I actually have a reason to live my life to the full, the thought of having a seizure in my sleep and never waking up terrifies me. I have had what I believe to be a couple of aura’s recently. They are different to the ones I had eight years ago but it’s not a good sign.

Wouldn’t it be just my luck that now my life is nearly back on track and I’m having fun, that I die in my sleep one night. Nothing would surprise me any more though. The Cosmos has throughly beaten the hell out of me over the last twenty or so years, that much is true. I can’t help wondering if the horror it keeps throwing at me will ever end. I mean… Seventeen deaths in the last seven years. It’s just ridiculous.

Who will be next I wonder?…

Oh well, I can’t sit here all evening. I’ll continue this later…

Or not…