And another…

So, yet another death to deal with. My half sister’s Nan. When I was a kid and my mother was with her dad, I used to see them every Saturday. My mother was an alcoholic for most of my life. When I would visit, I would watch them drinking and my step Nan would look after me. It was the same with my other step dad. That Nan has gone too. I don’t hold any resentment though. I didn’t know any better back then and none of them were abusive. Just not very present. All of them cleaned up in the end but both my Nan’s took very good care of me while I was there. They were both angels.

I’m starting to lose count how many deaths there have been in recent years. It’s got to the point that when I hear of any death I’m totally triggered, even if I wasn’t close to them. I was having my cigarette after lunch when I found out. I was crying before I’d even finished it. When I returned back to my desk, all I could do was stare into space, tears rolling down my cheeks. I nearly got tears on the circuit board I was building. Most of my colleagues know my story and were lovely. My through hole soldering counterpart especially. We have both been through many deaths in the last few years, we relate to each other a lot. After having a chat with her I decided that I didn’t want to even try to get through the rest of the day at work. I wouldn’t be able to focus anyway. My boss also knows what I have been through and she was as lovely, as ever. Ever the professional, she held back but I’ve known her long enough to know she wanted to hug me. She simply put her hand on my arm and said “Go, it’s fine”. It was all I could do not to burst into tears on her right there.

I’ve been on the edge for days if not weeks already. The fourth anniversary of My Lady’s passing, Valentine’s Day, the unwanted feels and more besides. I just want to run away and start a new life on my own right now. Death is one thing one can never escape though isn’t it? It’s the only certainty in life. My half brother and I have been alluding to this when we found out about our half sister’s Nan. He is forty this year and I am fifty this year. Everybody knows that as you get older, people will naturally start dying more often but the reality of it is something you can’t prepare for.

I’m tired. So so tired. Tired of the pain. Tired of being lonely. Tired of it all. Every time it looks like there might be some sort of happiness on the horizon, the Cosmos slaps me in the face, as if to say “What were you thinking? Happiness? Not you kiddo.” Figures…

All the people I want to keep either die or move away or worse, just abandon me. I’m starting to think I’ll forever be alone. It’s ironic as just when I thought I had accepted that and even embraced it, I find myself wanting a companion again. There is no sign of that happening though. I guess I had my run.

There was one particular hug I could have done with today, but that wasn’t going to happen. I’m not sure I want a hug from anyone else at the moment.

So, when I left work in the pouring rain, I slowly cycled to Costa. It’s been hammering down for days now with hardly a break at any time. I’m getting used to getting soaked now. It doesn’t even bother me any more. Floods everywhere here, I repeatedly got splashed by cars passing me. I didn’t care. Sat looking out of the window in Costa, it’s still hammering down. I don’t even want to go home. My Princeling has been pissing me off lately, repeatedly leaving to hot tap on full blast for hours to the point that I got a gas bill nearly three hundred pounds higher than normal. He doesn’t even have the decency to offer to help out with it. To add insult to injury, he even expects me to financially support him still, despite him having an income now. I’m so done.

I suspect I’ll be moving house sooner than I thought. He won’t be coming with me, that much is certain. I’m getting to the point where I don’t care any more. I’m done. I’ve said that many times and I doubt he will believe me when I say it as I’ve always backed down in the past hence the problem. He will get a shock soon enough though. Wherever I move to, it will be a one bedroom property and there will be no sofa surfing going on in my home.

I think it was a good idea to come here and write for a while. It’s fending off the urge to cry my eyes out. I suspect that feeling will return when I leave here though. When I do I shall let my Princeling know about my Nan and tell him I want to be alone. I really don’t want his or anyone else’s company today. Ideally the house would be empty other than my beloved dog, Mr C. I feel I’m running out of words a bit now so I guess this has helped a bit. I’ll probably continue this when I get home though. I’ll make a French press of coffee, shut the living room door and hibernate for a bit.

It shows what a contradiction I am still. I bemoan the loneliness, crave a companion, yet I just want to be alone right now. After all, most people just let you down or die don’t they?

Oh happy day!…

Funny… I start preparing leave, I look out of the window and a flood of memories fill my mind. Still hammering down, I remember all the times getting soaked when working at the mass vaccination center, all the emotional events during those times, the huge changes in my mind and personality. All the growth I went through there. Even the shitty job I had in the bread warehouse down the road from here and half a mile from where I work now.

Sure enough, I cried all the way home. I stopped for baccy on the way. Fortunately I was so soaked it wasn’t too obvious I’d been crying. My Princeling was out. He had gone to see his friend as he was “Dying of boredom”. He quickly apologized for the phrasing though, bless him. To be honest, it was perfect. I put a particular song on repeat full blast for a while. Necked the last of the vodka and had a shower. I’ve already necked a bottle of cider and opened a beer I bought yesterday. I can’t lie, I really want several more but can’t justify spending the money on alcohol when the gas bill has screwed me so badly. Unusually, I so want to drown my sorrows right now. I want to get hammered. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this much pain.

So, I have quite a buzz going now. Just enough that I want more. Probably a good thing I can’t buy more or I would… Lots.

So that was last night. It’s Friday night now and I’ve just finished a Zoom session with one of my headcases. Not a late one this time. Today has been much better. It needed to be really. For most of the day is was sunny and that always lifts my spirits.

The above was over a week ago now. I don’t know why I didn’t publish it.