“That” week…

So it’s Friday evening and I’ve just finished work. It’s the end of the worst week of the year. The 11th was the fourth anniversary of My Lady’s death. Then three days later, Valentine’s Day. As you can imagine, I have a lot to process. It’s not even just the above that’s played its part in the roller coaster I’ve had this week.

So much has been swirling around my mind this week. Up, down, up, down. It’s been hard work emotionally. Soaring highs and deep lows. It’s been a while since I’ve had that. Sometimes I say to myself that I’d rather have that than constant low level depression, simply because I’ve not had soaring highs of any kind in the last four years, other than the headcase meet ups until recently. The big Machine Head gig weekend was nothing short of spectacular, both musically, and emotionally, but other than that, not much else. After years of us only knowing each other online, it’s blew a lot of our minds to meet each other at last.

So I find myself in Costa once more. It’s the first time I’ve been to this one on my own. Next to the fire station that was converted into the mass vaccination centre, I’ve only ever been here with colleagues really. Apart from a very special friend. We met up the last couple of times I’ve been here. Delightful company both times.

It’s been a strange day. I awoke at 6am, wide awake and ready to go. No idea why. I thought I might as well get up and take some time for myself while my Princeling was sleeping. I couldn’t be bothered to do my nails last night so, as I had plenty of time, I did them this morning.

I arrived at work twenty minutes early fresh as a daisy and in good spirits. I even put on a smart shirt just for the hell of it. My colleagues must have thought something was going on but no one asked other than the young apprentice we have. I usually wear jeans and one of my many metal t shirts.

For most of the morning, my good mood continued. After all it’s payday too. By the time I had my two morning breaks I felt a funk come over me. I couldn’t place it, frustratingly. Something was up but I didn’t know what. As the day progressed it got worse. By the afternoon, I just hid in my music and focussed on work. I tried to anyway. It was important I got this job right as I was building boards for a cancer scanning device. You can imagine the importance of quality in this case. I’ve been doing this long enough now that I shouldn’t worry too much. I’ve become quite skilled in the last two years.

Two years. The thought occurred to me today that next week I’ve been at the company exactly two years. Another surreal thought. All the things that have happened in that time. It’s almost too much to think about. I’ve done very well in my time there. It was just what I needed, when I needed it. All that time in survival mode, drowning in debt and finally I’m coming out of that. The company has treated me so well in that time. Dealing with my meltdowns, and various other emotional turmoil. I feel like part of the family now. I’ve rarely felt so secure, valued and respected in any job. Other than the vaccination work, I’ve rarely been in the position of genuinely liking all of my colleagues too. I feel very lucky. Again.

Reading that back, and given the horror of losing My Lady, I would normally put the word lucky in inverted commas. Looking back over the last few years, I HAVE been very lucky. I have many friends that love me deeply as I do them. I’ve been to more gigs in that time than in my entire life. I have a secure job and I’m damn good at it too. People seem to genuinely like me wherever I go. It feels great after feeling alone and abandoned for so long.

The people that I felt had abandoned me have been dropped now. When you lose your partner, it’s amazing how many people that said they would be there for you just fade away. Naturally, becoming a widow, your life changes irrevocably but I actually have a completely new life and a very different one at that. There are many things I want to change but none of it will happen overnight. My point is that I now have hope that I can be happy again. I deserve it do it not?

Well, I’ve been sat here an hour already. I guess I should get going home. For some reason I feel I could spent more time here. Not that I have reason to feel that way, going home isn’t that appealing, still. It’s why I came here in the first place. I guess it’s because I have many happy memories around and in here, both in the past and recently. It feels nice but I’ll be here all evening at this rate. I’ll probably pick this up again at home…

Saturday afternoon:

For once I spent Friday night on Zoom with my friends. I hadn’t for the last couple of weeks and it was lovely to catch up with them properly. We were up until gone four am! It’s always been a safe place for any of us to vent our life’s troubles away, and sure enough one of us needed to last night. After all the times I’ve spilled my guts on Zoom, it was nice to be able to be there for them. The plan was to have a good drink too, nay, get drunk even but the urge quickly faded and I craved coffee more than the cider I had picked up earlier in the day.

I awoke today at gone one thirty pm. Always a sign of a good Zoom session. I had a coffee, paid some bills then came into town to get some new trainers. It’s about time I did as the last new pair of shoes I got was during the pandemic. The thought randomly occurred to me that I had planned to add to my piercing collection some time ago. If there’s one thing I have come to enjoy during the last few years it’s spontaneity. So I dropped by the local studio and it was empty. Great! As I walked in, I had no idea what I was going to get pierced but I quickly decided on two new lobe piercings. There will be plenty of time for more adventurous ones. If I had the money I’d have got myself a tattoo while I was there. So that’s done, I have my trainers, hair dye and I’ve just finished my McDonald’s. Time to get going. Being in town doesn’t give me anywhere near as much anxiety as it used to so I don’t feel hurried. That’s new. Today was all about me for once.

So I got the wrong bus and now I’m going the long way home. No matter. I’m in no rush. I quite enjoy being free to take as long as I want. I can just chill on the bus writing more of this drivel. One thing I didn’t take into account when getting the piercings was my headphones. I wear them all day at work and I have them with me now. I’ll have to get used to only having one side on for weeks. First world problems eh? Tough life. 😂

I have a lot of housework to do when I get home but I’m in the mood for doing some work on that song I was supposed to finish last month. Once I get it tight, I’m done with it, warts and all. I can’t release it if the riff doesn’t even come in on the beat though. Then I’m on to song two. “Train In The Face”. It’ll be all about how you can be ok one minute, then utterly destroyed out of the blue the next. It happened several times a day in the first year after My Lady died. It was like being run over by an emotional freight train, hence the title. I pretty much have all the riffage done but it has no lyrics yet. All the poetry I’ve been reading and sharing with my new connection is inspiring me though. Hopefully it won’t take too long. I need at least three songs finished before I release the first one or I’ll lose momentum really quick.

Sunday afternoon:

I awoke around 7am which given the late Friday night, surprised me. It’s my normal time to get up for work. The weather feels decidedly spring like for once. I have the whole house opened up and I’m deep cleaning. I feel the urge to change things around again. There have been bookcases on the landing for years. I decided to bring one downstairs and open the landing up. Bit by bit I’m minimizing this house. As I said before my mind is looking towards moving from here but no one is going to want to exchange with me with the house in the state it’s in. I want to get in the minimalist headset by the time I move. My Princeling was looking into getting his own place last weekend. Fantastic. I can finally get the ball rolling with myself too now. I doubt he will take me seriously when I tell him I’m starting planning for MY moving out but he will just have to deal with it. He will never get his life going if I continue doing everything for him and financially supporting him too. He has an income now so why should I?

Having a look on the Home Swapper site, there aren’t many bungalows available but one or two look like they could work. I doubt they will still be available by the time I’m fully ready to move though. Still, it’s nice to be looking and taking it seriously for once. Once The house is good again I’m going hell for leather to get out of here. I have no intention of changing town as getting to work could be problematic but somewhere on the edge of the countryside would be perfect.

So, after a roller coaster of a week it ends on a positive note. The sun is shining, all the doors and windows are open, and I’m bopping around cleaning to some classic tunes. Once it’s all done, I’ll get dinner out of the way, dye my hair and do a bit of work on my song. New shoes, new jeans, new piercings, fresh hair and I’m ready for another week.

Let this week not be as much of an arse as the last.

So mote it be. Later friends. x