One thing I noticed early on after My Lady died and especially after lockdown was that I seemed unable to filter my thoughts when talking to people. It got to the point where I started calling it “Truth Tourette’s”. My colleagues at the mass vaccination center knew all about it eventually. I would be asked how I was, then I would embark on a detailed journey of my last year or so. Repeatedly. They would always patiently listen and offer support every time, bless them.
Eventually I got a grip on it for the most part, or so I thought. It’s hard to find the balance between saying what you think, as in advocating for yourself and so on and being downright inappropriate. When I started my current job, I was acutely aware that my verbal filter was still a work in progress and would inevitably fail me at times. I used to joke, saying it would get me trouble one day, never thinking for a moment that it would actually happen. For the longest time, when it did fail me it was generally in a positive way. Like over complimenting someone or something. The day it would get me in trouble came today and I feel awful about it. There is a new starter at work and by all accounts he is rather unpleasant, but that’s not the point. When on our smoking breaks he would repeatedly huck and spit on the floor right next to me. It’s a pet peeve of mine. It makes my skin crawl. Eventually it got too much for me and I started ranting about it after break, completely unaware that I was speaking so loud, my boss could hear me the other side of the shop floor. I was horrified. Suffice to say, she had a “word” with me about it and rightly so. I wanted to shrink into the corner of the room and disappear, utterly mortified and ashamed at my own behavior.
One thing I’ve always been grateful for in my job is how welcome I was made to feel there and I’ve become very settled and I feel very much part of a happy team now. On the way home, my closest and very special friend there mentioned that the guy had heard people talking about him (not just me) and it had made him feel very uncomfortable and unwelcome. I was even more horrified. I still can’t believe my own behavior made someone feel so bad. I feel terrible about it. It doesn’t matter how disgusted I am by the guy, and I am, I have no right being so nasty about it. I intend to apologize to him profusely first thing in the morning. I hope he can accept it and be able to move on from it. Not for my benefit, but so he can feel better about being with us and hopefully settle in. It won’t be easy, but I must do it. It’s all very well my being the “sage on the stage”, but words not backed up by actions mean nothing. I’ve considered myself a gentleman for some time and I let myself and the team down today. Being a gentleman, doesn’t just mean opening a door to a lady or just being polite. It’s not gender specific and it’s a way of life as far as I’m concerned. I’ve always prided myself on it.
Today I also found myself saying that I wish my filter WOULD fail me once or twice but not like that. You know, when you want to say something nice (that word is so lame) but you can’t bring yourself to do so, for fear of offending or potentially showing your feelings too much and appearing either desperate, needy or creepy or a combination of all three. It would have been fine, I’m sure and the lady in question seemed to know perfectly well what I was thinking so I’m not concerned about it. Like I said, the balance is very hard. It was never a problem until My Lady died and the pandemic came along.
So tomorrow, I swallow my pride and practice what I preach. If there’s one thing I cannot abide, it’s a bully and I (however briefly) became the very thing I despise. I must do everything to redress this. Suffice to say tomorrow morning will be “interesting”. I’m not looking forward to it one bit. Well, not that part of it anyway. I am however looking forward to seeing my closest one in the morning. We had coffee this evening and it was nothing short of delightful. I came away from it buzzing even though it was hammering down with rain. It still feels great hours later.
Wish me luck friends. I’ll need it on both levels. x
Lesson #1327: How not to be a dick at work…
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 