I want to break free…

Sunday. Pottering around the house, cleaning, listening to some classic rock tunes for a change. I want to break free by Queen comes on. It starts me thinking… I really do. Where to even start though? I still don’t know. I went to the Rock and Metal DJ night in town on Friday. As ever it was just what I needed, good friends, good music and plenty of cider. I even made another new friend that night. There is one friend in particular however that I want to take there. To be fair, there are a few but this one would probably get more out of it than any of them. I’d certainly enjoy her company more. Her day will come and she’ll love it, I’m sure.

As for breaking free, from what exactly? I want to be free to go where I want, when I want, see who I want, BE with who I want without considering anyone else. Selfish? Of course. Unrealistic? Most certainly. Even more so recently. I want it anyway, judge me if you wish. My eyes have been opened in the last week or so. I AM good enough. I AM worthy. It’s taken years and a new, deeper connection to make me believe it. I’ve been telling it to myself for ages, but believing it? Probably not, looking back, but it’s different when someone else makes you feel worthy whether it was their intention or not. A few times in the last month I’ve been in a situation where I was so happy, I totally lived in the moment. I enjoyed it for what it was right there and then even if it was just for a few minutes or hours. I’ve said in many contexts, take the wins where you find them. The same applies to joy. Given how fleeting joy can and has been for me over the last four years, it’s hard not to get carried away by it. It’s been a breath of fresh air after breathing stagnant air for so long.

Swoon…Thud!…

I’m not alone in this feeling, I’m sure. Is it really too much to ask to be free enough to express this joy, or act on it? It would seem so, for now anyway. Sometimes, particularly recently, I want to shout it from the rooftops. Or at at least not worry about being open. Life is so damn complicated. How new.

It’s fascinating how my mind works sometimes. Even being so aware of it objectively is still unsettling for me, even after all this time. On the one hand, I feel what I feel and on the other I can look at it almost from the third person and (to an extent) rationalize it. Only it’s not rational. Emotions rarely, if ever, are. I’ve talked about these things for years with my soul sisters as we’ve all had these issues in some form or another during that time. The one thing we all agree on is that, whether the feelings appear rational or not, they are there regardless of whether we want them to be or not and quite often we don’t. The conclusion we came to is that we should honor those feelings and not dismiss them as stupid or frivolous. They are there for a reason. All three of us are intelligent individuals, not predisposed to letting our feelings getting out of control. It gets in the way of so many things. Trouble is, sometimes, letting your feelings get out of control is exactly what you DO want. Personally, I even crave it sometimes. The things unsaid, said. The feelings unexpressed, expressed. You get the picture. Life is too short. How does one reconcile that without potentially causing a shit storm, either in my life, or someone else’s or both? That’s the last thing I want. I’ve been there before in the distant past and I have no desire to repeat the lesson.

Anyway, what will be, will be. I just need to focus on getting free enough to be happy, however that manifests. Just reading that last sentence to myself makes me laugh. So obvious but so difficult to manifest.

Yet another random stream of consciousness post. At the risk of sounding repetitive…

How new.