The “Feels”.

As obvious a statement as it is, humans are strange things at times. As a widow one gets incredibly lonely at times. Another obvious statement but bear with me. If there’s one thing I am, it’s a loyal bunny. In all the 13 years My Lady and I were together, I was never attracted to anyone else once. I was so secure in my relationship that I also never thought once that anyone else would be interested in me other than her. It simply never crossed my mind. Indeed, a few times in social settings, she would get annoyed with me because someone was apparently flirting with me. Hand on heart, I was completely oblivious every single time. I always thought that they were just being friendly and we were just getting on. I’ve never been that good at reading signals. No idea why though which is probably half the problem.

Roughly a year after My Lady died, I connected with one of the Headcase girls. She approached me, but not in a flirty way. She was going through a traumatic break up and it was the year anniversary of My Lady dying. We were both going through hell at the time. We got talking and eventually we got so close, I realized that the connection was tapping into the same part of me that My Lady had. We talked every single day, sending little videos and photos of our day. It got us through so many heartaches. It freaked me out for a while. I felt so guilty and disloyal. She lives five thousand miles away in California, and it’s not like I could have gone to see her and got together with her even if I wanted to. Eventually, I caught the “feels” for her a bit. Cue even more guilt. The last thing I was ready for, or wanted was to have feelings for another so early after My Lady died. But obviously no one develops feelings for anyone intentionally. It just “happens”. Everyone knows this.

It was much like this with My Lady. Neither of us wanted a relationship with anyone at the time we met. If anything we were both enjoying being completely free after us both having had a toxic relationship before we met. If anything, we actively tried to avoid falling in love with each other. We always said over the years how neither of us wanted it but we fell regardless. The feelings were completely unbidden and even unwanted. Some would say that this is one definition of “true love”. Despite our best efforts, we did indeed fall arse over tit in love with each other. Hook, line and sinker. To the point where, we felt like we were not meeting each other for the first time, but that we were meeting each other again. Again, some say one definition of “soul mates”. It was relatively “simple”.

It was relatively simple with the girl in California too. She was newly single, I was single. Other than my guilt as a new widow there were no complications other than the obvious distance. We spent most of 2021 with each other in a way, even if it was only online. For a time we had discussed what would happen if we lived close to each other. We even agreed that there might of been a chance of us getting together in some fashion. Eventually she found love again and got a boyfriend. Weirdly, despite having the feels for her, I was genuinely happy for her. After all the relationship trauma, she had found happiness again. At that point, being the decent chap I am, my interactions with her changed to strictly friendship. Part of me was sad, part was happy for her and part of me was relieved. We continue to be super close friends to this day. I doubt anything could change that after being so close.

Fast forward a year. I got to know another one of the Headcase girls really well. Not like before though. After a few months, I caught the feels for her too. It really annoyed me at the time. This time, I didn’t let on. I was a lot stronger by then, and knew full well it wasn’t going to happen. She also lived in a different country even if it was closer, being in Europe. I better understood by then how my loneliness can make me want that kind of connection having spent most of my adult life married. It came to a head when I met her at the headcase meetup in Manchester for the Machine Head gig. The night before the gig, when most of us were quite drunk, I remember saying to a couple of the guys how much I liked her. It was at that point, I had a chat with myself and tried to put it to bed.

Fast forward another year. It happened again. One of the loveliest souls. I always had a soft spot for her but not like that. After countless deep conversations about so many deeply personal things, I think she would be heartbroken to think I had caught the feels for her. I wrestled with this for some time and for a while it got much worse. I even used the “L” word a few times when confiding in friends about it. That was the final straw. I couldn’t carry on like that. As far as I know she has no clue how I felt to this day. I hope so anyway. I treasure her friendship more than anything and would never knowingly do anything to jeopardize that. So, again, I dealt with that too. It took longer this time but I moved on and all is well. So that’s three times in as many years. It’s bloody annoying. I feel like a bloody teenager!

Every time I’ve caught the feels since My Lady died there has been a complication of some kind. Distance, friendships, or the person in question being married, even if they were split up. Why are these things so rarely simple? I’m starting to think I’ll forever be alone. Strange thing is, part of me is content with that. The other part wants something deeper in life. I crave connection beyond friendship. It will be four years next month. Four years… Many widows find someone in much less time. It’s a strange fact that statistically, those widows that were closest to their departed find new love quicker.

When will it be my turn? I’m in no hurry and my home situation isn’t exactly conducive to engendering new love, but as I mentioned in my last post, I really think my heart is ready for it. I have to be so careful though. If I let myself go with the flow, I know I’ll struggle to keep myself in check when I find THAT connection. What if they are not in a position to act on it if they had the feels for ME? Being a man of integrity, I couldn’t bear being the cause of anyone else’s pain or suffering. Being attracted to someone equally as vulnerable as me, much like the married one I mentioned can be so dangerous even if the marriage has ended. Then, what if they had children too? How to deal with that situation? It makes my mind swim. It would be just my luck to fall for someone with a complicated situation. Coming full circle however, we don’t “choose” who we catch the feels for do we? What if they felt the same? It’s bound to happen sooner or later. As much of a gentleman as I am, I’m getting fed up with denying myself a bit of happiness.

For some reason I feel something is on the horizon. I’ll be damned if I know what though. It’s just a vibe. Maybe it’s just feeling like I’m ready. I know that when it comes though I’ll struggle to deny myself this time. Of course that’s only if someone actually caught the feels for me too. Wouldn’t that be nice? I think I’d love that regardless of complications. That’s quite worrying. I guess what will be, will be.

I have to keep focused on my life on my own though. I can’t live a life waiting for someone to come along, but I am starting to feel I’m more ready for it when it comes. When it does, I think I will welcome it with open arms. If it does though, it will have to be a slow burn. I don’t want a whirlwind ideally. Having had so little control over my life and feelings over the last few years, I must keep some control over myself. No doubt the Cosmos will have other ideas though. It would be just my luck that someone will come along, giving all the signals and I’ll miss it completely. As a good friend of mine said signs are all well and good but I need SIGNIER signs. That transition from friends to “I like you” is one of the hardest bits I think, even if both parties suspect the other feels the same. Once you say it, you can’t unsay it. It’s out there. That’s a big girls pants moment if ever I knew one! I wonder if I will be brave enough when that moment comes. I hope so.

So mote it be…