Nearly four years

So after nearly four years since My Lady died, I’ve decided to renew my WordPress account and have a a bash at blogging again. It’s been over a year now and I found several draft blog posts waiting to be finished. I’ll probably finish them but they will slot into when I started them I guess.

As you can imagine, a lot has happened in that time. I’ve been in my job two years in February. I’ve been to several gigs, met my Headcase family several times and even fell in love for a while (I think). More on that later.

During that time My Lady’s grief cat Mr T had to be put to sleep after being hit by a car. As you can imagine, I’ve been devastated about it. On top of that my ex contacted me to tell me a good friend we had back in the day had passed away. Then less than two weeks later, my dads friend also passed away.

If you’ve followed my journey through this blog, you’ll know that death always come to me in batches. Back in 2005, I had three in five days! More recently, three mothers in two years, followed by our elderly cat and then My Lady a few months later. Is it any wonder I have an obsession about death?

It’s nearly Christmas and I worked my cute lil’ ass off, doing overtime all through November. We got a good bonus this year too, so I’m out getting a few bits at the Ham shops that My Lady and I frequented countless times. I hardly ever come here now. It’s been so long this time but I’m still getting flashbacks.

As I come around the corner, I see the Costa I spent many days sat in, blogging away like a mad thing during the first year of this life I didn’t want. I have other plans but I was drawn in and I couldn’t stop myself. Obviously there’s no reason why I shouldn’t treat myself after working so hard. However, the sole reason was to fire up this old account and sit for a while writing. This is kind of where this blog started. More flashbacks… What joy.

So now it’s Christmas Eve. I’ve just done a final shop before tomorrow and Tesco was weirdly very well stocked. Turkeys abound and on Christmas Eve too. I can’t remember the last time I saw that. Maybe it’s just my perception, but although it was busy, it wasn’t packed, nor was it frantic. It was the same a couple of days ago when I went into town to buy the main presents for the kids.

Work surprised us with Friday off and I hit town just after 9 am. Obviously a lot of people were still working but it was eerily quiet. Ever the last minute monkey with Christmas shopping, I’d always ran around like a headless chicken in the past, totally stressed and barely managing to get enough items to satisfy myself. For the first time ever, not on this occasion. I started with breakfast at McDonald’s and then just strolled around picking up what I had actually planned to get for once.

I forgot what it was like to have money to spend. Even after Friday in town and today’s shopping I still have money to play with, technically. I’m sat in Costa again bashing this drivel out after the sensory overload of Tesco. It was strange. Every single time I’ve gone to Tesco since My Lady died, my mind swims with all the countless times we went there for our groceries. Today was no different, but it doesn’t feel quite like the stab in the heart that it used to be. I just pottered around, taking my time and it wasn’t until I came out that I felt it had been intense, hence my presence in Costa again.

I can’t wait for Precious to come home. She has a new kitten and can only come for the day, but I miss her more than ever these days. For all three of us it’s been a horrible and amazing year in equal measure. This time last year, Precious and I had discussed making 2023 a year of putting in a concerted effort to live a little. Enough of survival mode already. To be fair we have. She has gone to many gigs, as have I. Meeting many online friends several times. Probably the best one was a couple of months ago, when even one I consider my soul sister, came all the way from Portugal for the Malevolence/Sylosis gig in Birmingham last month. That was an amazing trip. The gig was phenomenal and we had such a beautiful time together. There’s a rock club opposite the venue and we went there to continue the partying. Much to our surprise, Malevolence had their after party there and we spent most of the night there until gone 3am, occasionally chatting with them. Another unforgettable experience with my headcase family. Soul food, as I am so keen on saying.

So now it’s New Year’s Eve. I’ve spent most of this week tearing apart my home. True to character, I’ve just let things stagnate over the last year. I’ve had enough. A couple of months ago, I did the same to my bedroom. I had left it almost exactly how it was when My Lady died. There’s still more to do, but keeping all her clothes in the wardrobe and drawers after over three and a half years started to feel stupid. Many widows I’ve talked to over the last few years have said that there is no requirement or time scale on these things. Enough now though.

When I looked around the house it became apparent that I was still hoarding a lot of stuff. Why? What exactly am I expecting to do with all this stuff that will ”come in handy one day”? It hasn’t in over three years, so clearly it’s not going to any time soon. I want a nice home again. I’ve said that many times to myself, here and elsewhere but this time I mean it. The under stairs cupboard was piled up with all sorts of crap so I pulled it all out and binned anything I hadn’t used in the last year. My Lady had a ton of craft stuff in there too. I’m never going to use it so that has to go too. Boxes of cables, network devices, connectors and more to get rid of. I’ve filled four bin liners so far. The living room was piled up with it all for over two days.

So now it’s all dealt with, on to the living room. That didn’t take too long and now it genuinely looks lovely. It feels like a home again. The garden and outhouse haven’t been touched yet but I’ll get to them. I finally feel strong enough, not only to tackle life head on, but I feel mentally equipped to actually DO it.

One of the biggest things that has helped with this change has been giving up Cannabis. I’ve been a stoner of sorts since I was 16. In around 33 years, the longest I’ve gone without has been three weeks, and that only happened twice. It’s been six months since I’ve had any now. I really think I’ve beaten one of the last and hardest demons in my life. I used to say I “want to want to give up”. Originally it wasn’t like that. Giving up only started when my finances got so dire, I couldn’t justify spending money on it if I was struggling to buy food at the end of the month. What kind of parent would do that? The first few days are always the hardest, but beyond that I started to enjoy feeling more lucid, mentally frosty even. Eventually, the cravings subsided and I stopped thinking about it for the most part. The first payday was the real test though, but nope I wasn’t tempted. I even messaged my contacts to say I had given up. To my surprise, they all congratulated me, wishing me well even though they had been making money from me for years. At this point I know in my own heart that I’m done with it. I’m actually proud of myself for once.

It’s now the end of the first week back at work. We have all been a bit rusty and a lot of things were going wrong but we all stepped up and got back in the zone. Most of us rarely have any decent time off so we were all grateful for the break. The end of the year was really full on. The business has done well. I’m also still grateful for having a job where I genuinely like my colleagues. Apart from one, but I’ll either cover that later in this post or a future one.

I have the day off today (Thursday) and most of my chores are done relatively early for once and I’m sitting here contemplating the next few months and what to do in life. I’ve being doing E Racing for the last couple of weeks after two years off. I decided just before Christmas to have a total break from music. I’m doing very well at the racing but I do need to crack on with the music. I have a lot of projects on the go at the same time. Mr Screamers vocal covers and my own music. My first planned release is nearly finished and I’ve had some phenomenal feedback, both from friends and strangers alike. It just needs the final mixing and then once I’m happy with it, mastering. Then I need to crack on with the second song. I need at least two songs finished before I release anything. After spending nearly two years on the first one, the rest won’t take anywhere near as long. I’ve done a ton of research on the ins and outs of releasing music as an Indie musician and there is so much work to be done it’s a little intimidating but I’m so motivated now. I’m even planning a music video to go with it. A new colleague is a hobbyist CGI artist and really wants to work with me. Watch this space…