Only one left… Oh wait…

As I have mentioned before, I have only one person who actually comes to my house. My Musical Compadre. The only person I’ve ever shared my Friday night with, we’ve got quite close. Last Friday he told me that he and his partner are moving to Ireland in November.

So once they move, that’s it. No more people visiting me. Unless they want something from me of course, and even then it’s not very often. That’s the only reason anyone comes to visit, with the exception of Work Husband but he often works up north and lives in a different town too. I’ve got used to it to some extent. My Lady always used to say “If life doesn’t meet your expectations, change your expectations.” So I have. I don’t expect anyone to visit me any time soon. Why would they? They haven’t for months, getting on for years. I’ve been a hermit for so long now I’m used to it. It’s not even a poor me control drama. Simply fact.

I will miss my Musical Compadre. The only person in “real life” that I can talk to about anything, including musicianship. No doubt we will stay in touch and do the odd musical project but it’ll never be the same.

I went to the next steps bereavement group a few days ago for the first time in over a year and a half. The journey there was a bit triggery. I park up and wonder in. Before I get to the room, I can hear several people all talking quite loudly. I was a lovely evening, spent with some lovely souls. It left me quite reflective. Is this group going to be my only social life now? Much as I enjoy their company, I can’t really be my true self around them. There are, of course, my colleagues. They are in this category too. Some of them I’ve bonded with a bit. I’m not close to any of them yet though. Those good old trust issues make sure of that. I wasn’t going to the work social night this month and a few of them came to say that I would be missed. Nice. Maybe there could be a potential decent friend among them. I’m certainly not going to push that idea though. I don’t NEED anyone. It would be interesting to see what transpires though. To be honest, I’ve forgotten how to make a new friend. I can’t remember the last time I had a “friend crush” as it were. The minute I notice a bond forming, something makes me back off and go AWOL. It even happens with my old friends sometimes. Ugh. I’m still so fucked up. Losing My Lady has had so many different effects on me as a person. Obvious I know, but now it’s been over two and a half years since she died, I look back and it’s scary how much and how many times I’ve changed. There have been many sudden changes and realisations. I can also see the gradual changes now too. It’s surreal.

As far as friends are concerned, with the exception of Work Husband and my Musical Compadre, I’ve lived my social life on line with my Headcase family. When I say ‘Family’ I mean it. I only feel safe enough to be truly me around these people.

Lesson 565: How not to need anyone in real life…