Moving swiftly on…

It’s Sunday. Only it’s a proper Sunday. I’m off work. I’ve had the whole weekend off this week. The intention was to do my usual housework obsession and get some of the big jobs done. One of the fence panels blew out a couple of weeks ago and I only fixed it today. In usual contradictory fashion, I also decided I would take some time to actually rest. Maybe even relax for a bit? What on earth was I thinking?

Having stayed up so late Friday night, I had to do my best to ensure my sleeping pattern wasn’t screwed. I went to bed early and woke at 6am for some reason. I dozed for twenty minutes then I was fully awake. I got up and tip toed downstairs so as not to wake my Princeling. Too early to crack on with housework, I sat with a coffee pondering life in silence. What now? Ever since I woke, I’ve had a background anxiety. If that’s what it is. It stinks of that ‘Train’ though.

I dried some clothes on the garden clothes line for the first time this year… Triggered. Fixed the fence… Triggered. Even watering the damn plants… Triggered. Wtf is going on today? Much as I didn’t want to, I had to go out to do some grocery shopping. As soon as I pull out, I see sprouting Dandelions… Triggered. Wow, it’ll be the third spring that My Lady will never see. I hate it, still. I pull up at Lidl, and they have their spring garden products on display… Triggered. Mooching around, doing my shopping… Triggered. All I want is to be at home, safe. Well, as safe as I feel anywhere. “Safe” is still a very rare feeling. Driving home… Triggered. All the thousands of times driving home from work, thinking about my Lady as I drive. All these triggers weren’t full on, but they accumulated as the day went on. I’ve bottled it for the most part so far, but I’m this close to breaking. I gave my Princeling a lift into town earlier. Almost as soon as he had got out of the car, I started crying, even hyperventilating for a few seconds a few times on the way home.

On the way home I stopped at the Ham shops to get a couple of bits Lidl didn’t have and found that Superdrug has closed. Triggered, lots. One of the very last photos of My Lady was stood outside Superdrug having just come out of the hair salon. The countless times going in that shop with or for My Lady… Consigned to memory and photographs now. I can’t even go there for the comfort pamper things any more.

The world just keeps moving on. I despise it still… So much.

Pandemics, wars, climate catastrophes, all of which My Lady knows nothing about. What I wouldn’t give to have her back for the apocalypse. We trained for years for it. Seems I’ll be facing the end of the world on my own. How new.

I’ve read many times over the last two years about how after losing ones partner, people fade away eventually. Even people you thought were close. No more calling just to see how you are, no more visits. Some formerly close friends only call when they want something these days. If they can even be bothered to call at all rather than text. Still, there are only two exceptions to that. Work Husband and my musical compadre. Keepers, both. The longer the situation goes on, the more I feel myself distancing myself from everyone else. My life might be a shit show, but it’s MY shit show. I don’t need anyone any more, despite my constant loneliness. As much as I resent being left to my own devices, I had grudgingly accepted that I’m alone some time ago. If I’m going to screw my life up, I’m doing it on my own terms. Screw what anyone thinks. I don’t need validation from anyone other than myself.

Sat at my desktop, empty house, and just the sound of the tumble dryer in the background, I’m exhausted from trying not to have a meltdown. All I want is to sleep… Forever. I’m tired, so tired. I’ve had enough of being the ‘storm’. I’ve had enough of… Everything. I want to hide myself away where no one can find me. No more responsibilities, just no more.

I really don’t know what to do with myself.

That was yesterday. I put myself to bed early again last night and watched some Eracing on YouTube. I’m still depressed as hell. Why can’t I shake it this time? I’m still waiting for my mental health referral. I was told it could take up to two months.

Living the dream…