So on Friday it was two years since My Lady passed away. The days leading up to it were rough. Being at home so much hasn’t helped. The day itself wasn’t as bad as I expected. I made a big effort to distract myself all day. Somewhat successfully it seems. I had a moment in the afternoon, but I crushed it down yet again. I’m sick of it, regardless of the frequency.
I received a call from the agency in the week offering me a half shift at the vaccination centre today (Sunday). Of course, I snapped it up. My biggest problem at the moment is how I’m going to make the transition from weekly to monthly paid. It’s really not looking good. I need to find something over the next few weeks. I’m still waiting to find out if I’ll be paid by my new employer at the end of the month. After smashing the trade test in my interview last week, I start a week tomorrow. I doubt I’ll receive any pay as there’ll only be a week left of the month. Who knows what will happen?
Sat in my car on my break, pondering life the Universe Et al, numbers are pitifully low. The lead clinician is even giving out quizzes to help kill the time along with an extended break. I’ve been bonding with one of the floaters recently. We get on really well. Another lady who feels the need to confide in me over relationship issues. Ironic much. What the hell do I know? Much as I’ve learned many lessons the hard way since My Lady’s death, I’m in no position to advise anyone on their relationship. Still, I suppose it’s flattering that so many feel safe to disclose their personal information to me. Mostly ladies though. It’s always been like that since I was a teenager. Never did figure that one out.
Monday. Valentine’s day. I hadn’t even remembered until I saw a post on the closed widow group I’m a member of. Up early to take my Princeling to work on his first day in a new job, I was blissfully unaware for a couple of hours. Exhausted from the last weeks emotional ups and downs, I’m sat on the sofa bashing out this drivel again with the full intention of going to sleep shortly. I was going to go back to bed but I can’t even be arsed to go upstairs.
The last two weeks have been positive in some ways though… I guess. Since the first anniversary of the vaccination centre opening, a lot of us are making the effort to catch up. I’ve been for coffee twice to meet former colleagues. I even bumped into another colleague there doing the same thing. It’s strange being sat in the coffee shop looking at the fire station. The fire station centre closed last September but it’s still weird seeing it without all the vaccination setup. My experience’s there are burned into my soul forever. Never has a job affected me so profoundly.
On Saturday I attacked the outhouse. Determined to make some actual progress, I pulled everything out and piled it up in the living room. Halfway through the day, I stopped to help my Princeling get his bike running smoothly. Once that was done, I couldn’t be bothered to finish it and left some of it piled up indoors. Tired and miserable, I just sat at my pc for the rest of the day reading up on mixing and recording. My brain feels like an information sponge when in studio mode. I messed around, recording a few riffs to try the new techniques I had learned. I love it. Precious said a while ago that I should do a course in studio engineering. I think I will once things have settled. Assuming they ever do of course.
After my half day at the vaccination centre yesterday, I still couldn’t be arsed with finishing the outhouse. The items I left in the front room on Saturday are still there. It’ll get done today, but looking at it now, it’ll be later for sure. I’ve earned some rest. I’ll have a lot to do though as the housework is constant. I’ve no motivation to do it though.
I’d have expected to start crying by now given that it’s Valentine’s day. Having said that, it’s not unusual for it to kick in later in the day on shittyversaries. My Lady and I used to get a meal for two from M&S on Valentine’s day. Lamb shanks in a red wine sauce, potato gratin, and cream cakes for desert. This time it’ll be chicken pasta for the third day running. I cooked a load of it a few days ago and froze it in tubs. I’ve lost any interest in food again. Now my financial brain is in povo mode, I don’t even think about decent food any more. Thinking about it, I haven’t craved an Indian takeaway for a long time. Or a Chinese for that matter. My two favourite foods. It’s taken so long to train my mind to stop the spontaneous cravings for takeaway whenever I walk past these places. I’m still not quite there yet but it’s far far better. There was a point some time ago, that I would give in almost every time. It had to stop.
I’m off work all this week. I’m hoping I can get one or two cancellation shifts. Much at the house still needs plenty of work, I don’t relish the prospect of being home all day, quite aside from the background stress of not earning any money all week. Conversely, there’s a part of me that relaxes when I’m alone in the house. I guess I feel a little safe if I’m in my own bubble as it were. Hermit mode. No need for outside world contact. I don’t even want it. My eyes are heavy now, I’m so tired. Time for that hoodie nap. I’ll finish this later…
Tuesday. Nothing pressing to do. I practised my soldering skills on an old knackered NVR I still had lying around from my old tech support days last night. Just reflowing here and there. I’d never been able to get into the damn thing and had given up over a year ago. The thought occurred to me to de-solder the battery, boot it and see what happens. I could always get into one of the accounts but not the admin one which was locked. Without the battery, the login attempt count resets, even if the unit itself didn’t. After many tries, I gave up and tried a firmware update on it. I’d tried many times in the past to no avail, but this time it worked. Unfortunately it didn’t wipe the accounts. One last try, I thought, and then I’ll bin it and keep the hard drive. With the new software, I could reset it and low and behold, I now have a fully functional NVR that is now better that it was in the first place. Win!
Around the same time I was messing around with my PC to see if I could get my third screen working again. My bios has been screwed for months after it got corrupted and wouldn’t load. It automatically repaired itself from the backup. Trouble is, the default setting is with onboard display off, hence no third screen. I tried a few more times to reflash the bios, again, to no avail. I randomly found a live update button in the software I hadn’t noticed before so I clicked it. My bios works perfectly again now. It’s about time I had some luck with my PC, never mind in life. There are a few positive things that have happened recently. The car passed it’s MOT, I fixed the NVR (not easy), fixed my bios and I’ve landed myself a permanent job into the bargain. I should be happy shouldn’t I? No such luck.
All of the above fiddling around was purely a distraction. Valentine’s Day was crap. It always is. Precisely why I made a special effort to distract myself. Sleep or distraction, either works. For over a week now, I feel like I haven’t fully embraced how I feel about it being two years since My Lady died. I’m totally depressed, don’t get me wrong, but I expected to be screaming and crying at some point. I’ve had several cry’s, sure, but my mind seems to be blocking some of it this week. Obsessing over my finances makes me do my best to stay frosty and rocking back and forth, bawling my eyes out doesn’t get my bills paid. Weird. Can’t even believe I just said that. I don’t know what’s worse, being ok then screaming, then ok again, or being constantly depressed with the odd emotional freight train smashing into my head.
So now I’m sat at my PC going through all the bits of music I’ve created over the last two years. (More distraction). There’s a lot of it and not a single damn one of them is even close to finished. None of it has any vocals and only two have any lead to speak of. I like what I’ve done but I want it taken to the next level. I still want to write some songs about my lost love and grief. I have a smattering of words I wrote in the months after My Lady died, and the few people that read them, liked them. How the hell to make it into a song though? I have a clear concept but I need help from other artists. Maybe one day I’ll have the time.
I’m meeting Mrs Mumbled Musings in a couple of hours. She was one of My Lady’s closest work colleagues and we stayed in touch, on and off, since My Lady died.It’s been a surreal month to be sure. I’ve been in contact with many people and met up with several of them. After so long hermitting, it’s taking some getting used to. I’m trying to train myself to check in on everyone more. I hope they all don’t think I feel any less for them for not being in contact. This will be the third meet up in the last two weeks and my musical compadre is coming over tomorrow night too. Some people are, however, notable in their absence. One or two haven’t been in my home for over a year I think. No doubt it would be triggering after so long since their last visit, but still I hope to rectify that situation soon.
Enough of my babbling. I’ll have written a novel at this rate, not a blog post.
Later, friends. x
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 