Well, this depression is really kicking my arse at the moment. Couldn’t sleep last night and I’m really not in the mood for anyone’s crap. I definitely need to contact my GP. It’s getting worse. It’s still up and down/on and off but the average isn’t good.
Saturday now. Last night was a banger. Only had one beer. I had a great time. 2am and up at 6:50am. I wonder how long I can keep that up? My dear friend and adopted brother came round last night. He spend the evening with me and we had our usual good chat. It’s weird. When he’s around I feel more at home, much like when my dear friend and adopted sister or work husband come round. Socials have been so scarce over the last year or so. It takes me back to before My Lady passed away. I don’t know how I’m going to make it so my adopted sister, My Lady’s best friend, won’t be triggered too much when she eventually visits. Sometimes I wonder if she would rather not come here at all if it triggers her. I’m sure that’s not the case though as we are very close.
Sunday now. Lunchtime. I’ve been ditching all the waste bread today. Call me crazy if you like but I volunteered for it. I’ve spent all year working outside and if there’s one thing I found out in the last year and a half or so, is that I don’t need company at work, much as I like meeting new people. I’m ‘happy’ in my own skin. I never thought I’d ever be able to say that, never mind actually believe it. It’s very liberating. I became the person I had to to survive, and I’ll never apologise for that. To the point that if people don’t like it, they are quite welcome to leave my life. Very few of my closest actually know me any more. Of course the core me is still there and always will be, but I’ve overwritten so much of that man, I wonder what people will/would really think of the new me having known me for so long. The recently new people in my life have said all sorts of wonderful and insightful things about, and to me. This is all part of the catharsis in February/March I told you about.
Much as I despise the old flaky me and am still riddled with guilt over my failings to My Lady and the children, I am finally becoming a little proud of how I’ve been in the last six months or so. I genuinely couldn’t give a damn who likes me or or not. I don’t need any affirmation from anyone as to whether I’m a decent chap or not. I saw a meme of Facebook yesterday. It said: “Some people will think I am a beautiful soul and some people will think I’m a cold hearted asshole. Believe both, I act accordingly.” Pretty accurate these days. People can think what they like. They will anyway.
Wednesday now. I got a call about a couple of jobs today. Sounds right up my street. Repairing military devices. Let’s see how that goes.
Thursday now. The week is flying by. I woke up thinking it was Friday however. That’s so bugging. Work has been almost pleasant today. Two new temps helping me out and they seem decent enough guys.
Time to publish this. At the rate I’m going this post will end up covering a few weeks!
Laters friends. X
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 