Simmering… How new.

I’m noticing a pattern in my moods recently. Whenever I’m off work I’m more often than not mooching around doing housework, changing things around, doing anything to keep my mind busy and productive. All the while quietly simmering in the background. It’s been getting worse each time. All I wanted to do yesterday was sleep. There was so much I could have done but I did nothing pretty much all day. As I sit here typing, I realise that it’s not so much simmering, as depressed with the odd spurt of grief. It doesn’t help that I’m constantly mentally exhausted all the time. The warehouse job is still tiring but I’m getting fitter now so at least it’s not killing me any more.

This being a single parent is such hard work. No one to help with anything. With a dog, a cat and a teenage son, the house gets dirty so quickly. It’s crazy. I could literally clean all day everyday and I’d still never run out of work. My Princeling is still a kid, just, and I realise now that I’ve been expecting far too much of him for far too long, bless him. Especially given what we’ve been through. It IS up to me to do everything, within reason. That’s what being a single parent means by definition. It’s taken me way too long to accept/understand this.

I checked in on my brother a couple of days ago. It’s was nice to catch up properly. I knew this month was a bad one for him, but the anniversary of our mothers death still caught me by surprise this morning. No idea why. I’m already depressed and the two year anniversary hit me a little harder than expected. Not hugely as my mother and I were estranged for many years before she died, but enough that I feel even more depressed. Another layer to the shit cake of my life. Much like my sister who was also disowned, the lack of answers to a lot of questions will be stuck with us both forever. It’s a very strange feeling. My mother had reached out to me the month before she died. Exactly a month as it happens and it was very reconciliatory in nature. Before I had responded, she was gone…

So I’m sat here as always, at my desktop with thoughts of My Lady, my step mum, my mother in law and my mother all floating around in my depressed mind, along with all the people that suffer as a result of their loss. It’s shit. I know I always come out of these funks, but this feels different. It’s persisting. Not up and down as such, more like bad, then worse then back to bad. Money issues, still no shifts at the Ding, winter coming, and a death anniversary almost every month for the last 3-4 months. Four next month alone. It’s no bloody wonder I’m depressed. I don’t know what to do to pull myself out of it this time though. I’m just sick of this life that was thrust upon me. Don’t bant it. Without the soul food, and of course the better wages of the vaccination centre, I feel quite lost now despite all the positive things going on. If everything works out working at the Ding vaccination centre and I get enough hours, I might be able to relax. A little. Blue sky thinking though, (yeah right) I’d work at the Ding for a few months at least which will give me time to finally nail down what I want to do. Tech or healthcare? I haven’t done anything particularly technical for over a year now, other than at home, breaking and fixing my network. If I could combine the two that would be perfect, however unlikely.

It’s nearly three o’clock and all I’ve done is the washing and washing up. There are more important things to be doing though. In three hours, it will be dark again already, and yet, I’m still sat here pontificating. All the while, wasting time, sharing it with you dear reader. Knowing this isn’t helping, annoyingly. It’s that thing again where you know damn well what you should be doing. You know damn well what the psychology of it all is but are powerless to do anything about it. It’s like constantly arguing with yourself. I still need help.

After I asked for psychotherapy from my GP, I was sent to the iTalk service as the NHS won’t pay for it unless I’ve been referred by a mental heath charity/organisation. The assessment call was positive and and I came away feeling like I might actually be able to get somewhere with my mental health. I was told to expect an email regarding the assessment and we would go from there. I never received the email and when I eventually chased it up, they sent me a printed copy of an email telling me that as I had not responded they had closed my case. What the hell?! They didn’t try to call, text or email. I’m too mentally battered to keep chasing this up. I’ll talk to the GP one more time as he has been awesome throughout this nightmare and only sent me to iTalk as his hands were tied. One last time though. If nothing comes of it, I won’t bother any more. I’ve been on my own throughout this, the worst time in my life and there’s no sign of it changing. There never has been. It’s starting to sink in how truly alone I am. I hardly ever see any of my friends in person and that’s been the case for well over a year.

It’s strange you know, feeling so alone but also knowing that I don’t want anyone “running” my life for me ever again. Whatever happens, I have to figure all of this out on my own. No one else can. My people mean well and no doubt a lot of their advice is valid, but I almost feel like they know me less and less each time. A symptom of hardly seeing each other I guess. Checking in on my brother was a first step to changing this. I need to make more effort with everyone. It’s hard, not because I don’t care, because I do, deeply but I’ve got used to my own company. 99% of the conversations I have are either with myself, the dickheads at work or my Headcase family. It’s not like I don’t talk to my people at all, just not very often any more. No one in particular… Just everyone. How can I expect anyone to keeping checking in on me if I never do the same? Simple. I can’t.

Does this mean I’m a bad person? I don’t know, but it does mean I’m a bad friend, that’s for sure. I’ve kind of always been like that thinking about it. I wonder why? Several people I feel close to don’t hear from me from one month to the next. Harsh. Another conundrum that motivated me to ask for a Psychiatrist. I mean, wtf is wrong with me?

3:37 now and I haven’t moved from my desktop. Think I’ll take Mr C for a walk. Can’t continue yesterdays vibe.

Later friends. x