Phase 874.4 complete.

It’s Friday. I’ve had three days off this week. All three of them I spent manically cleaning and rearranging, interspersed with the odd mini meltdown. All three days I’ve had at least one hoodie nap during the day. This depression, it’s fluctuating wildly. This morning I feel ok. Yesterday I was down, really down. I put the mask on as usual but the cracks are starting to appear. Work husband knew, despite my attempt at the “I’m fine” face.

Mr Grump actually engaged with me this morning. Wow. I remember over hearing one of the managers saying that he needs to sort himself out. Well, it seems he’s trying at least.

I was sent a time sheet for the vaccination centre job at the Ding yesterday. I also completed my Anaphylaxis course. That wasn’t fun, given that My Lady passed away from Anaphylaxis, but it’s done now. My Princeling said nothing when he saw what I was doing and just gave a me a hug and said good luck. I love him so much. It seems it’s on, I just need to know what hours I’m getting. Might need a second job if it’s not full time. I also received my enhanced DBS certificate too. Seems crazy to do all this training and so on if there were no shifts for me. It’s given me some hope of getting out of this warehouse job soon. Fortunately, now I know how much I’m getting, it’s not as dire as I thought. Things are still hard but it could be a lot worse.

Today I feel somewhat better, thank the gods. I didn’t even get to sleep as early as I wanted. Waking up was horrific, but once I’m up I’m usually ok. Eating properly helps. I’ve not been eating well at home recently. Of course I make sure my Princeling is well fed and watered. I’ve not let him see my eating habits. I’d rather he ate than I did. I remember my Dad doing the same when we were particularly poor. Only he didn’t realise that I knew, bless him. I always knew.

My Princeling got his first pay today. Good on him. He put the money he borrowed back into my bank before I even knew.

It’s Saturday morning. No happy hour last night so I got to see my headcase family for a few hours on Zoom. I needed it. I went to bed before midnight, but I’m still knackered. I hate working Saturdays. I have done ever since I started hanging around on zoom. At the vaccination centre here, there were plenty of hours available so I could keep Saturday mornings free most weeks. Even that dried up as I had to work in the end anyway.

I can’t wait to start at the Ding vaccination centre. I’ll even be able to meet some former colleagues and volunteers from the fire station centre. My first shift is going to be such a happy day. They still won’t tell me if I’m likely to get full time hours though. I really don’t want to have to get a second job. That would suck big time.

Sat in my car at lunchtime now. The sun is shining, it’s lovely and warm. What are the odds that come Monday and Tuesday, when I’m off, it’ll be pissing down with rain?

Sunday now. I got a decent nights sleep for once. I still hate waking up at 6am though. Sunday’s at work are usually quite chilled. We have four people today, so anything we have to do will get smashed out. Sunday is also my Friday as it were. My weekend is Monday and Tuesday. No doubt I’ll dive back in to manically cleaning and rearranging stuff. I should do some gardening too. Hopefully it’ll be dry. The garden has gone mad this summer. Clearly I did well last year. It’s nearly time to put it all to bed for the winter.

Lunchtime and it’s warm and sunny again. I hate winter now. It just bums me right out.

My Bluetooth headphones finally gave the battery low warning. I’ve been using them for days on one charge. £16.99 at Lidl in the middle. Bloody bargain. They even sound ok.

So, it’s now Sunday evening. My Friday night. I’ve had a few drinks and I’m nice and mellow, finally. I’m listening to 80’s covers done by metal bands. It’s great. You wouldn’t believe how many classic 80’s songs work when you rock them up. Careless Whisper by Seether, Ordinary World by Red to name but two.

Tuesday now. I spent most of yesterday pontificating about what to do. How new. Mooching around the house getting bugger all done all day. Actually, I lie. I collected up the dirty clothes and hoovered upstairs. Whoop di doo. I’m up and down like a bloody yoyo. I got up quite early today, so I forced myself to go out and get some shopping. The cupboards and fridge were looking very bare. Another depressing povo shop. As depressing as hunting down the cheapest everything is, I did manage to say no to myself repeatedly as I mooched around the isles. For once. That wasn’t fun, but when I went to the Ham shops, Tesco had the first Christmas lines out. I’ve been simmering all day and that triggered me. I kept it together just about and got out of there as quick as possible.

Flashbacks… As I walk to the car, I remember the first time I went to the shops after My Lady died. Intense. I was grimly determined not to have a full on meltdown but every now and then I still had the odd tear rolling down my face. We must have come here together thousands of times in the over ten years we’ve lived here. Every single time I come into the ham on the way home, I’m triggered to one degree or another. The same route, no matter where we came from.

I have my induction for the vaccination centre job at the Ding in the morning. I can’t wait. Damn it, I wish I could get excited about it though. I’m so down about everything else, it’s just not kicking in. I’ve been fighting the urge to nap all day… Again.

Another urge I’m trying to curb is the urge to drink. I rarely get drunk, but it’s not uncommon to have the odd John Smiths of an evening. For months, there’s rarely been a time where there wasn’t at least one beer sat in the fridge. Since when do I have alcohol constantly available to me at home? Oh… Wait. What was I thinking?… Regardless, it’s obvious that I’m just trying to self medicate. With alcohol? Muppet. It has to stop or at least be a rare event like it used to be. I’ve drunk more alcohol in the last 18 months than in several years. I’ve always had an addictive nature. I’m even struggling to cut down on my sugar intake which is stupidly high. (He says with a can of Monster on the desk.) I dread to think what I would end up like if I didn’t have to work. I already have several addictions. Smoking, coffee, chocolate, energy drinks, and probably more that I can’t think of right now. I might have got a clean bill of health on various levels over the last year or so, but the way I’m going, it won’t stay like that.

Tuesday evening now. Time to start prepping for tomorrow’s induction. Fingers crossed I can shake off this downer before it. Or at least make my mask convincing like I used to at the fire station. I miss that so much. I knew I missed the job but this downer over it ending is way deeper, and is lasting way longer than I expected. I wonder if any of my former colleagues feel the same? Maybe I should check in on a few of them. Some of them were struggling with their mental health as it is…