So we only have today and tomorrow left at the vaccination centre. There is definitely an air of sadness around. So many volunteers and staff have different last shifts, so it’s an almost daily goodbye to someone. I’m going to be very sad to see the end of it all. My colleagues, the volunteers, clinical, and yes, I’ll even miss Joe public.
As per usual, I started this post sometime ago. It’s now precisely a week later. The vaccination centre has closed, we have said our farewell’s, had our party’s (and hangovers) and now it’s done. We had one last day at the fire station to finish packing up and setting up for the volunteers buffet party. My boss chose a select few of us for that day, (it was paid) and we were all very grateful, not only for the extra pay, but for one last hurrah before it truly ended. It was nice to be chosen for the day. I got the feeling we were our bosses “Dream Team” as it were. We were certainly the people who got the most positive feedback, both from patients, staff and management.
But, it’s all over now. All the marquee’s are gone and there’s not much sign we were ever there, other than the worn away patch of grass on the car park corner. I wonder how long it will take to grow back?
I have been intensively job hunting for weeks now and finally I’m getting some decent leads coming though. In fact so many, I’ll be letting someone down at some point. Is what it is. It’s looking promising for the position at the Ding vaccination centre. Just waiting for October’s rota to see if I’ll be getting a full time wage. If not, I’ll be going for other part time work as well. Simply no choice if I’m to pay my bills.
This weekend is my birthday. Since I lost My Lady, I really couldn’t give a damn about it. In fact I actively avoid it. She isn’t here to celebrate it with me. 47… It’s so weird. My Lady will forever be forty. She was five years younger than me. We always said she was my younger model. My upgrade. 😞
Given it’s my birthday weekend, I sent Robb Flynn a DM on Instagram to request he play “Behind a mask” during the Friday happy hour show. To my surprise, he replied not long after to say no problem. Legend.
Friday at last. Not only was I looking forward to the usual Happy Hour and Zoom after party, but my new friend and colleague from the vaccination centre was taking me out for the day for a birthday treat. We made a connection as we both are motorsport nuts. After a month or two of knowing him, he opened up a bit about his life. Lets just say he moved in very high circles in Formula One. Logically I had assumed it would be driving related, whatever it was. His son is a karting champion so it could have been that. He also has one or two very expensive cars. So we meet up and I jump in his car and we head off. To Thruxton as it turned out. He presented me with a pair of brand new Sparco race shoes and a pass for a driving day. Wow. I know my friend is comfortably off, but I know full well how much these driving days cost AND the shoes AND the food. I said I couldn’t so many times…
So I go to the briefing. Tiff Needell usually does the briefing, but he is at the Goodwood revival meeting. First, an instructor takes you out in a Ford Focus for orientation, lines, braking points etc. Then I got to drive a Porsche Cayman with an instructor by my side. That was an eye opener. The best score of the day with the Porsche was 79% and mine was 74%. Not bad, bearing in mind I’ve never driven a genuinely fast car in my life. I was so focussed on driving, I was so focussed, I hadn’t looked at the speedometer once, so I asked what our top speed was. Around 110mph was the answer. That’s the fastest I’ve ever driven. After the Porsche, I had a passenger ride in a Focus ST driven by the instructor on the limit. Much fun.
Next came the thing I was REALLY looking forward to. The Formula Renault single seater. My friend had also paid for the 360 degree video recording of the drive. Crazy.
So today is Sunday. My not so happy birthday. I’m now 47. I’m really not interested and I’ve been distracting myself all day. It’s the second one without My Lady. I hate it. I’ve kept quiet about it leading up to it and found it notable how few people remembered. This isn’t a poor me vibe, far from it. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I just found it interesting that it reinforced that I am truly alone on this journey, not only into a new life that I don’t want, but conversely the new person I am becoming that I do want. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the old me is dead. I barely recognise him now, and certainly don’t like him. I’ve had to change to survive, My Lady did almost everything. Now there’s only me looking after My Lady’s son, my Princeling, Mr C, our first fur baby and Mr T, My Lady’s “grief cat” from when her mum died a couple of years ago. I don’t know why this birthday is worse. I’ve been simmering all day but only now it’s the evening am I crying. If only I could have been the new me when she was still here, she would have loved it. I’d have swept her off her feet all over again. But of course, if I hadn’t lost her… I’m sure some will know the drill on that one. “What if?” It was a strange day anyway, my having a trial shift in Lush today and My Lady loved Lush. I’m just devastated all over again tonight.
Work husband dropped everything this afternoon and came round with his partner and brother along with some KFC, despite having his own problems to deal with, bless him. The guy is a legend and the only one of my “real life” people I’m in semi daily contact with. Yep… Just one person. It was so good to see him. In fact it was great to have anyone around, let alone three people at once. That was weird at first. It emphasised how little I have any adult company at home. Weeks, sometimes even months can go by without my seeing anyone at home. I’ve spent more time with my Princeling and his friends than anyone else. Not counting colleagues of course. To be fair, I can hardly judge, (not that I am) as I make little effort to visit anyone myself. With all these lock downs and so on, society has for the most part got used to not thinking about visiting people indoors. I certainly have. I’ve got used to my own company and I know from experience that it doesn’t matter how much love there is, you can lose anyone in an instant. My mind protects itself by trying to avoid close relationships of any kind.
Detachment…
It works, however miserable and lonely it makes one. I can’t get hurt too much this way. Of course, this makes me such a crap friend. I can’t imagine what they think of me, despite the trauma of the last 19 months. I’m starting to wonder if I’ll ever stop having to do life on my own. I’m still winging it. So far I haven’t done an awful job of it. There have been the odd financial blips of course, like when a job ended for example, but the bills have been paid despite my increased debt. Still, we were in the same boat this time last year. We survived that, we can do it again. It seems I still have many lessons to learn about running our life before the Cosmos , arse that it is, allows me some peace. Am I going to have to deal with this much mental load for the rest of my life? I feel brain tired so often.
Now it’s Monday. The sun is shining and I awoke quite motivated. The house is a mess from going through the loft and the Harry Potter cupboard. I had guessed the whole process would be somewhat cathartic. I’d hoped so in fact, as I feel another big change in headset coming. Enough of living in a time bubble. I don’t need to leave EVERYTHING exactly how My Lady left it, much as I want to. I don’t even feel the need to change that much anyway. Even My Lady’s shoes are still in the shoe rack, exactly where she left them the day she was admitted to hospital, 19 months ago. The outhouse is a goat explosion too. I say outhouse, it’s actually a cheap garden room that the previous tenants had put up. We have always stored the tools and gardening stuff out there. Even the broken fridge from last year is still out there. Absolutely ridiculous. I could easily say, ‘Oh I haven’t had time, work sleep etc. ‘ but I’d be lying. Yes I’ve worked my arse off all year but it’s no excuse.
I need to thin out my possessions. After losing My Lady, I see no need to cling on to my oldest things. There is so much I could bin or give away. I’ll be giving all my old RC stuff to my son. He randomly got in touch for the first time in years this year. He has purchased the very same F1 RC car I used to race every weekend so I told him he could have the lot. Aside from the cost in fuel, I need to get my head around going to the Mouth at all. For some reason, the thought of it is a bit of a trigger, again. No idea why.
I found very ironic that both of my estranged children from Ms Poison had contacted me out of the blue after My Lady’s passing. It would be easy to read something into the timing of it. You could be right, you could be wrong. I don’t think it matters at this point. It’s just such a shame. My Lady loved those two and was hurt so much when we couldn’t see them any more. She never got to see my first grandchild either.
All the work and no reward. All the good My Lady did. All the people she touched and helped have a better life. As I mentioned before, we were practising Pagans when we had just got together. Cosmos? I have only one thing to say the the Cosmos…
Fuck you!
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 