Pruning…

Sat on the car park corner again. Sunny Sunday afternoon, chilled tunes playing quietly. Could be worse. A lot worse.

This week I have no morning starts at all. Should be interesting to see what happens to my sleeping pattern. There was no Zoom meeting last night but I still stayed up til gone two in the morning chatting with my headcase friends. It would be tempting to let myself slip into a kind of night shift just so I can spend longer with my headcases.

I think it’s time I got back to my music. I’ve not recorded anything for weeks, if not months. The headcase musicians seem to have no intention of finishing the track we started so I think I’ll just do it myself. Such a great idea and if everyone involved was as into it, we would probably be on our second track by now. Maybe I should just put some ideas together and ping them at the guys who ARE interested. It’s pointless me nagging the others in the group chat, clearly they are too busy/not interested enough. That’s fine, I just wish they would own it and say they won’t get around to it. I need to get composing drum tracks too. I shelled out for the full version of EZ drummer last year and have not even come close to making full use of it. It’s a really powerful bit of software and the drum sounds are very realistic. You can even edit the velocity of the hits to make it sound more human. Writing this always make me think and gives me ideas. That’s a great one. Let’s see what I can come up with.

It’s now Monday. I start work at lunchtime. My Princeling and I were discussing how My Lady’s favourite Magnolia tree needed cutting back. I’m at work around half an hour and he sends me a pic of the tree. He has cut it back to a trunk. I’m fuming and apparently I’m supposed to be grateful! How am I supposed to make him understand why I am so sentimental about these things. He doesn’t understand and thinks I’m being irrational sometimes. Even if I am, it doesn’t make it ok to just destroy something because it inconvenienced him. Which is the real reason he did it. Not a single branch or leaf left on it. Absolutely fuming…

So I have a little vent in the headcase group and all I get back (from one of them) is “He’s just a kid”. That’s as maybe but it doesn’t change how much it hurt to see just a broken trunk left of it. Headcase family or not, I won’t be told how to parent by someone less than half my age who has no clue about our life or had any kids of their own.

I’m having my break on site for once. I’m so upset about the tree. Overly so. Why can’t things be done how I ask. It’s not as if I was overbearing about it.

Whatever. Moving on…

Time is running out to find a job. Once I can secure something for the next few months, it’s full on to try and get a career position. No idea what though just yet. The logical step would be to go back into a tech support role, or at least something technical anyway. I’m in that horrible limbo again. I’m bloody sick of it. One way or another, the last eighteen months have been so uncertain and along with the randomness of the different roles I’ve been in, I’m in exactly the same position I was this time last year. I simply want a permanent, secure position. I don’t even care what at the moment. I need as much stability in my life as possible so I have one less thing to worry about. Ok, we’ve got through the last eighteen months without disappearing up our own financial ass as it were, but that won’t last. My Bereavment allowance stopped this month. The timing is shit. It stops the same time as my job. Ugh… I guess this is all part of the stress of being a newly single parent in a formerly middle class family.

I was spoiled by the tech job. I didn’t even entertain the thought of my losing my job when I was there. I’d give my right arm for a year or two’s employment stability. ANY stability for that matter. How I’m supposed to achieve that with my fucked up headspace, I’ll never know.

I’m still hearing “You’re doing so well.”…. “She would be so proud.”. Get f***ed… As if anyone has a clue how I’m doing, or how proud My Lady would or would not have been. They never did. Not really. Not… One… Not a single person in this world knows all of it and it will stay that way. As if I’d tell anyone if I wasn’t coping or having a major breakdown or even thinking about self harming, and I’ve been through more than a few phases of that. And only one person knew about one of them. If/when I ever feel that again, no one will find out about it. Hardly going to help anyone else’s mental health worrying about me. I’m ok for now but the fact it even popped in my head says a lot. No way I’m discussing that with my mental health team. Last thing I need is an intervention. It’s not that bad anyway, and just as well as I never did hear back from the ITALK service. Or the surgeries new mental health guy for that matter. If I was suicidal, they would have failed me miserably and I wouldn’t be here writing about it.

Fun times…