Mental load…

So after having Sunday off for the first time in ages yesterday, work has been quite hectic today. 16-17 year olds are now approved for vaccination and we’re having a great turnout. It’s really good to know that despite the minority of their age being absolute retards, believing everything they see or hear on tiktok or YouTube or whatever, it’s nice to know that they are exactly that, the minority.

Not only are the majority of teenagers taking up their jab offers, but they are more organised and more happy to be here than most age groups, other than the oldest. It’s been so busy today, we almost forgot what it was like. We even had queues today. We might even do more than a thousand jabs today!

I’m sat on the car park corner this time. Someone had the genius idea of putting a chair on the position when there’s only one of us here. It’s only been six months and no one had the idea in all that time. Lol.

I’m still no closer to finding a job. I hate this feeling. I’d give anything for a secure job right now, even if it wasn’t good pay. At least I could plan around that. All this uncertainty makes it so hard to focus on life, healing, coping and so on. Despite all this however, it feels so much better not having the inquest playing on my mind any more. It was driving me absolutely crazy. Having to read through the worst experience of my life again and again, knowing full well that we would not get any answers, has hammered my soul. I’m soul tired, no, exhausted. So, so exhausted.

A year and a half in and we’re still in survival mode. The constantly trying not to spend money like we used to is still an uphill battle, and one which we are not always winning. We had years being financially better off. It doesn’t matter how long we were poor for, it’s so demoralising having to keep saying no to my Princeling every time he wants money on the slightest whim. He will have to get organised somehow. Going out for the whole day, taking no food, drink, water or money to buy said items isn’t clever. He will have to learn the hard way I guess. I always help when I can but it’s not always possible.

It’s now Thursday and I’m off work. looks like payday will be good for once. I requested that all my accrued leave was paid up this week. A much needed boost. If I’m sensible, that could buy us another week or two’s grace.

A colleague messaged me yesterday to tell me that their were marshalling positions available at the ding on the Covid booster program. The ding is only twenty odd minutes away from me, so for the sake of an extra fifteen minutes each way, it’s not as unfeasible as I thought. Especially as my hours at the vaccine centre have me getting home at nearly nine pm a lot of the time. If I’m prepared to drive that far for the marshalling position, then there’s no excuse for not considering jobs a little further away. I sent my latest CV adapted to the marshalling position along with a covering email emphasising my time there last night, along with one to a local high tech prosthetics company. They are only two minutes from my old tech support job so it could be ideal if I can find a way in.

As a requirement for ALL of us to be looking after minors coming to be vaccinated, I’ve been taking young adult and children safeguarding courses. I had done the same previously for my nursing job and my TA job at the performing arts academy. I’ll have health care certificates coming out of my ears at this rate. I also have three, yes three enhanced DBS (criminal record check) certificates too. Where the hell this is all leading, I have no clue. I joked with my Princeling last night about becoming a social worker. Sod that! All these course are pushing me that way though. Along with us having my Princeling’s friend staying who is going through hell and is foster care at nineteen. Much as I want to help people in some way, I’m really not strong enough to embark on a social care career. There are some harrowing things happening to people/kids out there. Some days I struggle with simply functioning well enough at work, so having to be that frosty and having that much empathy would kill me at the moment. I’m not even sure I’ll ever be strong enough for that. If only I could find something where I could help people with out the heavy empathy reaction. Basically, thinking about it, I want my cake and eat it. Hardly the time!

It’s a warm and sunny day today. I didn’t wake up too late today. The thought occurs to me that I have spent little time just chilling by myself. Sure, I get plenty if time at home hut I’m always sat at my pc which means I’m surrounded by my finances, job hunting stuff and so on. I feel pressured to just keep going until I can’t do it any more. So I decide to go out and just have some me time, away from all my duties and responsibilities even if it’s only for an hour our two. I have to get some shopping anyway. So, of course, the minute I think about going to the Ham shops… Costa. Why not? I’m getting a major financial boost this week so a few quid (Yeah I know) isn’t going to kill me. I’ve been sat in Costa for ages, sipping my now cold latte. To be honest, I could stay here for much longer but I’m starting to feel that “You should be doing stuff” anxiety. Damn it, it wish I could turn that shit off…

I guess I’ll finish up here and get the shopping done. Ugh… That went far too quickly! I think a long walk with Mr C is in order too. I’m feeling very insular today and would prefer to be on my own. Sometimes, with all the love in the world, I wish I could just teleport into another life. Not knowing a single person, not even knowing my way around. An entirely new life away from everything I know. I wonder why that vibe has kicked in again? Maybe partly because my Princeling has had friends round most nights over the last week or two. The poor boy can’t win. On the one hand, selfishly, I’d always prefer him to be at home chilling with friends in his room. He is safe there. On the other hand, I’m getting a bit of cabin fever at home. I haven’t told him any of this as he doesn’t need to know and I want him to feel as relaxed and safe enough that he will want his friends here. I spent a few years doing the same as a teenager myself and now I understand why my Dad felt the same.

When I’m simmering I find it incredibly hard not to over react to the most pathetic things. At least I took myself away this time before it could happen. It’s not my Princeling’s fault. He is just trying to muddle through life like the rest of us. Aside from job prospects, I’m starting to wonder what life will hold for us over the next few years. A lot of shitty events have put many things into perspective over the last six months along with much self reflection. I do t n is why but it seems that I thought things would get better after the first year. How wrong I was. Ok, I’m not sat in my garden rocking back and forth screaming and crying, but I’m so broken. I’m so lost. I’ve opened so many possible life routes in my mind, I’m a bit overwhelmed. What the hell do I do now?

Well, fir the first time, I got myself a second latte. Wow. Seems I have a lot to say today. I can’t sit here all day. If I had no responsibilities, 100% I could do exactly that. How much use or help it would be though, I don’t know. What I do know is that sitting here writing like mad, the anxiety is held at bay mostly. So it does have a use I guess.

No happy hour this week, or weekday streams in Robb’s twitch channel. Machine Head are currently working on their latest songs I can’t wait to see what they come up with. Given the shitty time Robb and the rest of us have had in the last eighteen months, I expect them to be quite emotional one way or another. After all, Robb lost his mother this year.

I guess now the inquest is done with now, I need to think about our next steps. It’s overwhelming a little. Oh well, small steps, as I’ve been telling myself all along.

Well, it looks like I’m running out of thoughts to batter you with. 😂 Maybe I’ll add to this later…