What’s new?…

The inquest was this morning. Ever since around 9pm yesterday, my heart was constantly beating so hard, I thought it was going to burst out of my chest, Aliens style, on many occasions. I went to bed early and I couldn’t stop it. It took me over two hours to fall asleep.

I’ve been working myself up to this for months and D day had finally arrived. This morning, my heart started racing within a few seconds of waking up. I love those few seconds before the memory loads.. Conscious enough to know you’re awake but without the pain and crippling panic. My heart was pounding so much after I got up, I even took a squirt of the angina spray I still have from last year. I thought I was going to throw up at one point. I even took the angina spray with me too.

My Princeling and I took the train to the inquest as I wanted it as simple as possible, especially given how worked up I was. I don’t think I’d have been safe driving.

So, we all sat down and as they were explaining what the procedures were, they mentioned that a reporter wanted to sit in and that, as a public hearing, anyone can attend. Great, so it’s going to be in the paper or something.

So what did we learn? Absolutely nothing new. We still don’t know exactly what happened and never will. Case closed. Only it isn’t… For us anyway. There won’t be a negligence case. All there is left to do now is focus on looking after the kids and coping. I don’t know how I feel right now. Kind of numb I guess. I know damn well I’m going to have a meltdown at some point. I can feel it simmering in the background.

My arch nemesis ‘Simmering’ is back… With a vengeance.

And yet, as ever, I can’t afford to lose my shit. Now more than ever. I’ve still got to be the ‘storm’. Eighteen months to day that that My Lady passed away.

The damn paper ran the story by dinner time. Jesus, would it have killed them to ask us? Or even offer condolences in the inquest? As much as it was written nicely, there was more detail shared than any of us are happy with. Trouble is, an inquest is a public hearing and as such, anyone can sit in. Later, I finally reset My Lady’s phone and have started using it as my own. I’d preserved it how My Lady left it for 18 months and I still feel guilty about commandeering it. By the evening, I am utterly exhausted from the day’s events, so I have a weak beer and go to bed… Finally, sleep.

So that was all yesterday. This morning I’m dropping my Princelings friend home and getting us some pastries for lunch. I still feel the same as yesterday. Not as intense, as I’ve slept, but it’s the same flavour. Numb and simmering underneath. Back to this shit eh? Great. Now my mind isn’t obsessed with the inquest, I’ve noticed that I’ve let the house work build up again. Annoying and it shows how my mind hasn’t been in the game recently. I’ve done some hoovering and cleaned the bathroom. The battery on the hoover died so the rest will have to wait. Caught up on a lot of stuff. I don’t start work until half three. Still saying good morning when I arrive though!

My Princeling got his first Covid vaccination today. I’m so relieved. He didn’t want it at first. Much like a lot of kids his age, they’ve heard so many stories, it’s no wonder they were cautious. Still, it’s done. Precious has had her first too. Nearly there.

Well, let’s see what the rest of today holds. I should prepare myself for the questions when I get to work. Some of my colleagues have been really supportive, and will want to know how I am, bless them.

Laters friends… X