As D day approaches…

So, My Lady’s inquest is less than a week away. I’ve read through the various doctors statements, coroners report (several times) and written and submitted my own statement. I only found out a few days ago that the coroner wanted my statement. I’ve been struggling really bad over the last week or so. Reliving the worst two weeks of my life again and again has taken its toll. I’m now in a constant state of anxiety pretty much every waking moment. Punctuated by the odd distraction which I’m pathetically grateful for. In some ways, I feel like I’ve been thrown back to last year mentally. Every time I think about the inquest, it terrifies me. The effect of it on the kids and my newly adopted sister is going to be extreme.

I just want the damn thing done with now. I’ve already accepted that we won’t learn anything new. All the doctors statements are in agreement with each other. Our solicitor got an independent opinion on what happened and they agreed with what the doctors did. I really don’t think there will be grounds for a claim. I’m doubtful they will even be able to prove the cause of death.

I’m stood on the car park corner again, pondering all of this along with desperately trying to look into the future, to no avail. I have no idea what I will be doing for work, and the impact of the inquest could well throw a curve ball at us, and there won’t be any small ones with this either.

It’s strange, my tech job ended in September last year and this one finishes almost on the anniversary of it. It’s almost a carbon copy of last year. No wonder I’m flashing back all the time. I’ve been very lucky to have the vaccination job. It’ll be seven months by the time it finishes. Now I’m stuck in that job hunting limbo again. This gives me enough anxiety as it is, let alone on top of the rest of it. I’ve started bursting into tears again at home. I’ve come close a few times at work too.

I’ve read in a few places that the second year can be harder than the first. Holy shit, that would take some doing! All of a sudden, a year seems like a very long time. At least the coming year does. Last year however, seems like nothing, especially now my emotional state has gone backwards so much. I am absolutely sick and fricking tired of feeling like this and yet I know there won’t be an end to it any time soon. Seems I’ve been doing a good job of distracting my self over the last few months.

Work husband went to hospital recently. He is ok but every time a friend has any semi serious medical issue, it freaks me out. I’d rather know though. I’m just scared of losing anyone else… Still.

I need to chase up ITalk this week. I never did hear back from them. I’m getting quite impatient. I just want to get on with healing and to do that, I need to understand what my issues are so I can get on with tackling them. I’m so broken. More than at any point in my life, and that’s saying something.

Sometimes I wish the world would just stop so I can get off. I’m tired, so so tired. I’m starting to wonder how much longer I can carry on being strong. I’m bored with it now. I simply want to completely let go and have a proper meltdown, yet my mind won’t let me. Probably just as well for now, as I need to be more frosty than ever. Ugh. One thing I have learned from the last year is that it’s really hard to stay strong in the early days and yet now, when I feel that train coming, I get angry at it which cuts off that urge to wallow. It’s automatic. The more time goes by, the more it feels like the mask I wear every day gets thicker and thicker. Am I hiding behind this be the storm shit? Am I actually the upgraded version of myself that I tell myself I am? How would I even figure that out? This and many other neurosis are precisely why I sought mental health help. My mind is melting through overload most of the time these days. Finances, job hunting, inquest, fallout from inquest. Results from back scan. I might have osteoporosis, worst case scenario, and that’s not even all of it. Shame you can’t upgrade the brain like RAM in a PC.

My body is exhausted, my mind and soul is even more so.

Night friends. X