The ‘Clam smuggler.’..

It’s Thursday and I’m off work.

Every now and then I get a background anxiety that slowly grows and grows until I can think of nothing else. I now realise that this is my mind kicking my arse to keep on top of things. Funny how you can train background processes. If only I was a computer… I’d have no emotions.

Sometimes, once my financial month is planned, I kind of sit back and ignore it for a short while. Not deliberately but the effect is much the same. Once the anxiety gets to a peak, I obsess over my finances and paperwork. I should be doing this at least weekly. How do I train myself not to let it do it’s own thing? That can be dangerous, financially speaking.

I heard recently that the vaccine centre should be open until at least the beginning of September. Whilst that may be three months away, I can’t assume it will last that long, and even then, three months can go by in a flash and I would end up jobless with no plan B.

So what do I look for? I have think about two types of job. In the short term, anything I can find, if we are to be ready for the loss of bereavement benefit. Also in September. Potential financial disaster there. The other thing is a career job. Progression. After everything, it’s coming full circle. When there’s no money to pay the bills, I’m a stressed out wreck, and having to take literally anything is soul destroying at best. Take the Covid factory I was at for instance. Cess pool of scumbags mostly and zero chance of pay rises or progression.

I’ve spent most of today going through bills and a ton of other stuff. Phone calls, emails etc etc. Funny… I’m working harder today at home than I do at work. The only thing that has kept me going today is the anxiety adrenalin from not having done it. I can only keep it up for so long though. I have a pit stop after a couple of hours, then pontificate for a bit. A couple of hours later, I had another pit stop. Only it was just a stop. I had something to eat and now I’m sat on the sofa with the laptop, bashing out this drivel.

Now the very thing that stops me cracking on has kicked in. It’s infuriating and totally self indulgent. Another trait I’m still struggling to eradicate. I’m in a weird head space today and can’t quite place it. I know one thing. I’m feeling a little lost. After all the power ups and catharsis, there is a battle in my head between the old, beta me and the new, not quite alpha me. I can’t reconcile any of it yet and with so much in my head, there is little room for contemplating the absurdity of the Cosmos and my place in it.

Recently, I have become a distributor of gold clam sunglasses. Many of the headcases outside the UK have horrific shipping charges but from here it’s cheap so I’ve been sending them all over the place. Even to Mr Milky in the Middle East. I randomly decided to purchase six pairs and send them to my headcase friends. I had to purchase another 6 as I was asked for even more!

Mr T has just curled up under my left arm and has fallen asleep. Cute.

So what now? I still need to go to the shop. I drove straight home from the Post Office on autopilot and now I can’t be bothered. Well, it’s open til 7pm… Being sat on the sofa just makes me want to sleep. If I didn’t have the laptop here, I’d already be snoring. The way I feel right now, I could do with a ‘Hoodie’ nap. When I’m depressed, I tend to sofa nap in a hoodie with the hood pulled right over to cover my eyes. My Princeling knows I’m feeling crap when he see’s me with my hood up.

But no, not today. Partly because I don’t want to wallow, and partly because my hoodies are all upstairs and I can’t be bothered to go and get one. It’s nice having Mr T as an arm rest too. Fast asleep even though I’m typing. I love him so much. I must give him more cuddles.

A lot has happened over the last week or so. I went to see my former colleague and good friend last week. I finally met his partner. She is lovely. I have only seen him a few times in the last year and when I arrived they gave me a Christmas present bag. Inside was a bottle of American Rye Whiskey and a cross stitch of the Machine Head logo, stitched by his partner. I was so touched.

When Friday came, I was so up for it. I had a couple of weak beers left, but I couldn’t find my shot glass so once the beers were gone, I slugged a hit from the bottle. It wasn’t long before I was giggling like an imbecile and, along with the others, laughed so hard, for so long, my jaw was aching. It was the most I’ve laughed since before My Lady passed. Who needs a glass anyway! I ended up forcing myself to bed at around 6:30am. I could have gone on for hours. We had so much fun, we all got together on Zoom again on Sunday night.

On Tuesday, I had the most random thought. Piercings… I had never ruled out having more piercings, but about an hour before I finished work, I decided right then and there to go and get two in the top of my left ear. I drove straight to the piercing studio from work. Looking back now, I can’t actually remember what the final catalyst was to go and do it straight away. Aside from the ‘why?’, this new spontaneous side of me sure is a lot of fun, that much is true. I wonder where it will lead? I now have a total of six piercings and I plan to have more too. This life is too short for being unadventurous. Take it from me… I know.

So, the washing is done, upstairs is clean (It was gross.) and the only housework left to do is hoover downstairs and finish the washing up. At some point, I’ll have to go through yet more documents pertaining to My Lady’s death. Another thing I’ve been putting off. I’ll have that finished today though. I’m done with it hanging over my head. I’ve tried to read it many times, but I’ve gone into meltdown every time.

Much as I’m very comfortable here with Mr T keeping me warm and cosy, I need to go to the shop really. Wow, it’s six o’clock already. I really DO need to get going.

I’ll finish this later…

So, I’m now in bed with the laptop. I’m nice and mellow thanks to the Rye Whiskey my Irish friend gave me. Not much else got done after the above. I’ve been watching IRacing on YouTube. What I actually want to do is DO some IRacing, but tonight I am too tired, probably too drunk and it’s too late to start anyway, my having work in the morning. Oh well, I still got a lot of things done today, even if it wasn’t all of it.

So at the end of another mental day, I’m none the bloody wiser, head space wise. I guess this will be a long and slow process. I’m done here for today. I think I’ll play a bit of Battlefield 1942 before I sleep.

Night friends. x