So mote it be… Again.

It’s Monday. Midsummers day. 13 years to the day that My Lady and I got hand fasted. It was Fathers day yesterday. Fathers day vibe has changed. It now feels like a sad day as for some reason it emphasises My Lady being gone. It’s my Granddaughters first birthday tomorrow. Three emotionally charged days in a row. I was at work yesterday, but I have today and tomorrow off. No idea if it’s a good or bad thing yet. I’ve been simmering a lot today. I’ve cried a few times but I’ve crushed it down every time.

My Father and his partner came round today. It’s the first time I’ve seem them in months. I found it very hard not to spill my guts and, of course, I did a little. It was so good to see them. Now they are gone, I’m simmering again. I’m getting fed up with this crap, yet I’m powerless to prevent it. Most of the time anyway.

Dinner is done, my Princeling has gone out for a bit and I’m sat at my desktop bashing out this drivel, while listening to meditation rain music. It’s also raining outside too. Figures. This is the second anniversary without My Lady. The second… Surreal.

I feel numb. Good, numb is better than bawling. Every now and then the emotions wash over me and I hyperventilate for a few seconds. I haven’t done that for months. Fortunately, I can catch it before it gets too far but that in itself is exhausting. I want My Lady back so much. I can feel myself getting stuck in that loop again. I understand it so much better now though. When I “wallow”, it kind of feels like the world has stopped for a moment and I get lost in a memory of her. Painful and comforting at the same time. It always was.

Time to pull myself together again and crack on. I can lose hours and hours sometimes in this mood. Not productive at all. I think I’ll play guitar for a bit. My soul needs something.

Fuck today…

So mote it be… Again.

x