And around we go… (Again).

So, it’s happened again… My Aunt died yesterday. I found out this morning. I had not seen her in decades. I wasn’t close to her. I had no issue with her either. In fact I have some lovely childhood memories of trips to Guernsey to see her and several other family members. It was not expected obviously, not being in contact, but part of me thought ‘Figures, yet another death’. The first of my dads generation on his side. And so begins the next series of deaths… Already…

I‘ve had a few little cry’s, but I’m more pissed off than upset. I mean… C’mon, again?!

I had been pontificating about getting my hair cut over the last few days. That was all the push I needed to get off my arse and go to the salon. The salon where My Lady had her hair done, of course.

I could count how many times I’ve had a proper cut in the last 30 years on both hands. The hairdresser was lovely. She treated me to a free head massage in the middle of it. What bliss. I’ve not had anyone massage my head in so long, obviously. I immediately stopped talking (wow) and just melted into the chair.

So now my hair feels like silk. I hadn’t realised how bad a condition my hair was in. I’m sat in the garden drinking a cold beer and smoking. I’ll be damned if I’m going out again today. My Princeling and I are having another BBQ soon. The Sun is shining, the birds are singing. The garden is thriving. All last summer putting so much work into the garden has paid off in dividends. In fact, I’m struggling to keep it all under control. How I wish My Lady could see it.

I miss her so damn much…

So, if you include the Darkest of Stars, the average rate of people/pets dying is back up to around two per year over the last few years. Living the dream.

Ms Catharsis had the 2nd anniversary of her fathers passing yesterday too. Between the pair of us… Jebus, how much loss and grief?! We are so on the same level when it comes to loss. Totally sick of it. We both wish we could actually be there in person for that much needed big hug. Crazy to think that we have been close friends for over a year now. Along with one other Headcase, I am closest to Ms Catharsis. Still after all this time, the group hasn’t turned toxic. Just two blips in the whole time, which were dealt with respectfully and appropriately. Quickly too. We are all very protective about our group. Some have even called us elitist, but they don’t understand the reason for us not wanting to add people to the group. It’s not us being snobby. We are the ones who were invited to that surreal Zoom meeting with Robb Flynn. We shared something special that night. Even Robb has started referring to us as “The original Subsclub.” Mental.

In recent months some of the headcases drift apart (a tiny bit) and some of us have got much, much closer. It never stops feeling surreal and we all feel the same… STILL…

So now I’m chain smoking Marlboro Reds, drinking beer and bashing out this drivel in the sunshine. What now? Am I going to spiral into this one? Or rather, am I going to LET myself spiral? Having today off work, the weather, the bad news… I’m sorely tempted. This time it’s different. There’s a part of me that’s starting to resent the wallowing. That’s new.

I’ve had some interesting comments on my personality recently that got me thinking. Precious mentioned that she was used to me being a beta male. Indeed I was, and no doubt some of that is still in me but people are not seeing that. I got chatting with the clinical lead at the vaccine centre the other day. As usual my ‘Truth Tourette’s’ was in full effect. I mentioned that I was enjoying not only working there in general, but particularly being on the front door and how it has done wonders for my social anxiety. She seemed genuinely surprised by my comment. When I mentioned that I had always been a beta, she said “I’d have never thought that, you don’t seem like that at all.”

Interesting. So all my going on about symbols of strength and “Being the storm.” seem to be having the desired effect. If that is genuinely how people see me now.

Strange…

Back in the garden again and it’s a few hours later. Smoking and drinking beer again. My Princeling is out with his friends. I have Spotify’s ‘Ibiza Sunset.’ playing. Those daydreams of hot beaches and nothing to worry about still consume my mind in this setting.

My Princeling is on his way home and I’ve lit the bbq. By all accounts the perfect evening for it. Which makes it worse. I can’t help thinking about all the times we had bbq’s. I still go to grab the Chinese pork chops that have only My Lady and I liked when meat shopping. I’ll just put on the mask again for my Princeling, and crack on with being “normal”, whatever that is.

So we have the BBQ and my Princeling retires to his room again. I stink of BBQ smoke , so I have a shower and go to bed. I’m now sat up in bed with the laptop, drinking a strong JD and coke and smoking again. So much for not smoking indoors. I have work tomorrow and here I am, drinking in bed. Not the first time either. I’m not getting drunk, I hardly ever do. However, it’s “Indicative of a general headset” as My Lady used to say. I refuse to drink if there’s any chance I might be driving, but once I’m done for the day, recently, it has been one of my first thoughts sometimes. Today, once I was done, that was it. Beers, music and sunshine.

I have quite a nice buzz now and am starting to feel sleepy.

Today can get stuffed now.

Laters friends. x