It’s been a while…

So for the first time in months, I’m sat in Costa blogging. The last few days have been strange. I missed a couple of doses of my antidepressants. I’ve not been in a good place since. Today particularly. I was supposed to be going to Lidl to do some shopping but on autopilot, I drive to the Ham shops. The thought then occurred to me… We are free to eat and drink indoors again now. Costa… But the shopping… Costa. Damn it, this is how I was last summer. Get a bloody grip!

So I refused to get a grip and here I am, sipping a large latte. I look out of the window at the people going by, life going on as if nothing had happened. I still hate that.

So I finished up my latte, and drove down to Lidl. Faffed around for an excessive amount of time and just about stopped myself going nuts buying lots of grief/comfort food. I was even tempted by the plants they had outside… Again. The whole time I was out was quite intense. It has shown me not only how far I’ve come, but how without the antidepressants I’d still be a wreck. Triggers all over the place. Clearly I’ve subconsciously managed to block the emotional responses to most of them. It felt like a bombardment of triggers. I kept it together throughout but still… I almost forgot what it was like… Almost.

I’ve just put the shopping away and am drinking my red bull, listening to the meditation playlist I had on in the garden all summer. I’m really not helping my mental state here am I? Whatever. One thing I’ve learned is sometimes, you have to go with it even if it’s only for a little while. It works for me anyway.

Sat in the garden now, smoking and listening to “The Queen of all Everything.” I really need to shake this off. It’s debilitating. I made the effort to get out this morning. Mr C appreciated the extra walk. Same then. All the times walking with My Lady to the local shop. The school runs on the same route when my Princeling was in junior school. Simmering all the while. It’s mental now I have the emotional contrast again. Despite my feeling like I’m constantly clinging on for grim death to my sanity, looking back, I’ve been emotionally stable for the most part for some time.

Until recently…

I’ve been getting lost in various fantasies again. Hot beaches, Long Island ice teas and lots more besides. Now I’m getting the kickback. No doubt the dip in antidepressants is contributing, but Ronnie Real always comes ’a knocking at some point. He knocked my door last night. You see the trouble with fantasies is that they are just that… Fantasies. Who am I kidding here? Daydreaming about hot beaches and stuff has got me through some dark times but if you buy into them too much, you only end up feeling crappy in some way because you can’t do whatever it is. Then of course, what would the reality be like? When I think about it enough, it’s actually a little scary. Time to focus on what is real and achievable and stop living in the clouds. The recent work, sleep, work, sleep vibe has made time fly by for me. This makes My Lady’s passing feel like it was yesterday and a lifetime ago all at once.

Ugh, my mind keeps going around in circles right now. The storm clouds are closing in. I hope we get a big thunderous storm.

I’ve just noticed that I’m constantly, obsessively fiddling with My Lady’s wedding rings on my right hand. Damn, I hope the meds level out by tomorrow morning. Work will not be fun otherwise.

Wow. It’s 6pm already! Guess I’d better get dinner on.

Later friends…

And, just as I’m just about to publish this, the rain starts falling…