Life, the Universe, and Everything…

I’m not having a good day…I’ve been on a roller coaster all week. I’ve felt that simmering coming back for a while.

I’ve been working at the vaccine centre for two months now. We have all got used to it and have pulled together well as a team to become quite efficient. After weeks and weeks of freezing, soaking and generally unpleasant weather, the sunshine finally arrived. I’ve been looking forward to it for months. In a tabard and t-shirt, I was checking people in at the entrance, actually quite happy basking in the sun. As part of the no wastage policy, the local schools had finally been called for the teachers to be vaccinated. One by one, around 20 of My Lady’s colleagues arrived for their jab. I have to say, it was genuinely lovely to see them all, but of course they all asked how I was and “How are you coping now?” In the middle of this, a Harley Davidson pulls up right next to us. ‘Right…’ I thought to myself in that pissed off tone. I kept it together throughout, but I was screaming inside for the remainder of the day.

I had the following day off and although it wasn’t sunny, it was warm all day. Garden time. Finally. So I tidy it all up, hoover the lawn and have a short pit stop to ponder my next step. The outdoor audio system is back up and sounding nice. Just like last summer. Last summer… The most intense and painful time I’ve ever been through. Being locked down and furloughed last year, I had stupid amounts of time to wallow in despair and trauma. And I did. Lots. You only have to read my blogs from then to see this.

As much as I want to get the garden in order, I’m getting flashbacks to the agony I went through when I was working on the garden last year. I was obsessed with making it beautiful. Fortunately, now I’ve cleared the winter detritus away, my work last year is still paying off.

So today would have been My Lady’s 42nd birthday. As ever, when I wake up I don’t quite remember the significance of the day. As usual, once I remember it all goes to shit. I haven’t played “Those” songs for months and months. Today, I felt the need to hear them again. The songs My Lady had on her Loved up playlists, mine too and various other triggering songs. I have a mini meltdown and this time, my Princeling didn’t see it. I snap myself out of it, change the music and crack on with chores. Living the dream…

My Princeling is quiet today, unsurprisingly. I’m taking him to Costa in a bit if for no other reason than to get him out of the house. As I’m going through my old posts, I notice that it’s a year to the day that I created this blog. A year?… Wow, and there it is again… Trigger. My first post was tomorrow. Great, my head is spinning now I realise that. Why can’t I just feel numb instead? I forgot how debilitating these emotional freight trains were. Did I mention?… I hate trains.

The damn weather can’t make it’s mind up today. It started sunny and warm, turned bloody freezing and then back to warm and sunny. Now it’s getting cold again. Seems legit. It’s kind of how the ashes of my heart have felt today. It’s infuriating. I’m flitting from one emotion to another, from one memory to another. Almost like I’m riding the train rather than being run over by it. Equally unpleasant. I don’t like feeling out of control anymore. At the same time, I’m sick of always having to be strong. Yet I continue, as ever. Yet more contradictions. I sometimes wonder if it will ever end. Then I remember… Of course it will never end. Why would I want it to? Then my cathartic head pops up and says ‘But you can’t wallow in this forever.’ Cue guilt trip. Ugh…

This is all in such stark contrast to recent times, I’m struggling with it. I don’t want to go back to being completely useless, rocking back and forth, screaming and crying. Yet that’s what happened this morning. F***ing trains… Hate them. I also remember now why I stopped listening to “Those” songs. All I want to do now is escape to my beach, drink Long Island Ice Tea’s, soaking up the sun with my family and soul friends. Mad as it sounds I have several now. Some of us have had really intimate conversations about hopes and dreams, depression, anxiety, people we’ve lost and lots more besides. We’ve shared it all. My closest in “real” life are all struggling just like everyone. We miss our hugs so much. I was supposed to see my dear friend and (not so) newly adopted sister today, but she is feeling ill. It’s been months since we have seen each other. Bored now…