Well… What can I say? Interesting times…
I’m still having the strangest feelings. My mind has been on full power for weeks now, trying to process the shifts in my head space. It’s difficult as I have felt different every morning for a few weeks now. I’m getting impatient to find out where this new vibe will lead me. On top of everything, I’ve been having some really confusing feelings. Mr Cocktail Carnage from Subs club and I spoke on the phone for a couple of hours the other day. He always said he has an open inbox and I felt brave enough to ask him for a chat. A widow too, he is further on his journey and he helped me put things into perspective.
I started this post nearly a week ago. I’ve been so knackered from work, I can barely be bothered with cooking and house work, let alone blogging. I guess that’s a good thing in one way. The main motivation throughout the time I’ve been blogging has been writing about my grief. Ok, it’s always been about my life in general too, but I feel the need to blog most when I am suffering in my grief. Last summer, of course, I was more despairing and I had all the time in the world what with lockdown and being furloughed. I had the ‘luxury’ of being able to thrash out so much grief. Mrs Golf has the opposite problem. It just shows how differently grief can manifest from person to person. Sadly, I have always been able to wallow in self pity. It’s been one of my most unattractive traits. Something that, until I lost My Lady, I had always tried so hard not to do. Once My Lady passed away, not only was the only reason I had not to wallow gone, but I had ceased to care what anyone thought. I still feel the same to some extent. Other than with the kids and a few of my closest.
I still have the attitude that if you don’t like me talking about My Lady, my grief, my pain, then basically get stuffed. It’s who I am now. It’s the biggest part of my heart and mind, pretty much all the time. The only thing that changes is what emotion I’m feeling at the time. It’s quite liberating, not giving a fuck whether people like you or not. I thought I felt like that anyway, but no… Now I REALLY don’t give a fuck. At the same time, I DO care how my people feel about me. I have interacted with more and more people and rebuilt the social skills I lost during lockdown. I rebuilt them differently it seems though. I’m finding people reacting to me very differently to how I’m used to. Everything is so different now. I’ve said this countless times, but when My Lady was still here, EVERYTHING I did was either with her in mind or within the set parameters of being happily married. Now I only have to think of myself then considering how I want things around me. It’s strange. I’m also starting to understand that I can’t stay crippled with grief forever. I’m still torn though. I feel disloyal at the merest thought of making a new life for us. Yet, it’s the right thing to do, and I have to do it, and to be fair on myself, I am doing it. I have to admit to a ‘pleasant’ feeling sometimes when I’ve taken big steps towards the new life without My Lady. Cue guilt trip… Ugh. I wish I could just take the wins with no kickback. The guilt trips are not as painful as they used to be but that in itself triggers guilt… Bored now… I’m fed up with going around in circles and yet the thing is, in many ways that couldn’t be further from the truth. It would seem I’m just a bag of contradictions at the moment… How new.
After a few days with my new hair, I decided I needed to try again. It looked like I had heavily streaked it. It looked like a really nice job too but it wasn’t enough for me. I want it all purple. Lots. Ms Catharsis said I should saturate it all heavily instead. I had Wednesday off, so I went to Boots again for more dye. I explained my situation and they agreed that to get the result I wanted, I needed lots of dye. The dye I’m using isn’t permanent either so that’s another thing to consider. I got a bottle of permanent too.
So I go for it this time. Fully saturated and left on for double the recommended time, for the hell of it really. Ms Catharsis, weirdly, also has Wednesday off and was having her hair dyed at the salon at the same time. We were comparing at each stage and she was giving me tips as we went. The timing was very strange, given the more than 5000 miles and 8 hours between us. By the end of it we both looked great. 🙂
Let’s just say… It worked. I am very purple.
Friday came again at last, and I am more than prepared for it this time. Another free case of beer and a half price bottle of Jim Beam should last me a few weeks. As ever, we start the Zoom meeting really early. As cool and fun as it is when the show is on, or we are all partying afterwards, there is something really nice about just sitting quietly doing our thing without much chat. Three of us were playing different things on guitar, and in 3 different tunings. Just hanging out, chilling. Ms Catharsis is still working Friday and Saturday nights so still can’t join us.
Mrs Cosplay and her husband agreed to split last week. She looks to have found a new house, so is happier. My other friend is happier now too. Thank the Gods, we all seem to be moving into a positive phase after the shit show of the last couple of months.
It’s now Saturday evening. My Princeling has already gone to bed. I have a ten hour shift tomorrow so I’ve been in Sunday mode all day. I’ve been in a weird headspace all day too. I can’t place it though. I’ve had random emotional outbursts a few times today. I seem to have gained the ability to crush them down into the blackest of coals and bury them deep in my heart however. I really am hiding behind a mask most of the time despite my wearing my grief on my sleeve. You see? Contradictions. How ironic that the very thing I had found impossible to do at first should be the one thing that (partly) enables me to push forward in life and fight my way through it, like a Phoenix from the ashes. Ha, ego much! I feel like I’m powering up in some way and it’s not an entirely unpleasant feeling.
I did a strange thing a day or two ago. I’ve been discussing bucket list trips and places to move to and actually started planning something. Wherever I go, I want to end up somewhere hot. California seems to be top of the list at the moment. I’ve planned road trips for fun many times over the years but this was a different headspace. I was going through all the possible routes that I’d have to take to visit all my Subsclub friends from North Bay and Montreal, Canada down through New York and then across the whole US to the West Coast. 3500 miles. The thing that was different was that I was planning something I didn’t just think I was going to do, but I know I’m going to, one day. Ever looked up one way flight prices to the USA? You’d be amazed. Before I knew it, I was researching visa’s to get into the US. What shocked me afterwards, was that I spent nearly an hour reading up immigrant visa’s, rather than a visitors one. It’s incredible how many hoops you have to jump through if you wanted to move to the USA.
It’s amazing what you can learn about yourself when you slip into the zone. Clearly part of me wants to move out there. Hardly surprising, I guess, but the reality of it took me unawares. Obviously I have no intention of going any time soon, and quite aside from Covid, I have my responsibilities and friends, and I take them seriously. Despite all this, it was good having the feeling that there is something positive ahead of me. I just have to do it. Like Ms Catharsis said: “Plan, save, make it happen.” You know what? I might just do that.
My Princeling and I just baked a lemon drizzle cake. We/I haven’t baked a cake since well before My Lady passed. It turned out perfectly too. Poignant again though. The cake was delicious, we nailed it first time. (Fist pump.)
So, It’s an hour an a half after I started writing here again and I’m a bit tipsy. Usually the guys that have not gone full on last night have another Zoom meeting and get drunk again together, or just chill together. I am usually one of them and it feels weird not being able to party. (He says, half cut with work in the morning.)
Well, it looks like my creative juices have dried up for today…
Well here I am at the end of another mental day. With so much to think about, my head is spinning, with a little help from Mr Beam of course. Ten hour shift, on a Sunday… That’s bear pea as my Princeling would say. Lets hope it feels worth it when I get paid for a 6 day week. I glance across at the world time zone app on my right screen. I notice that Mr Uppercut is probably having breakfast at 08:38, Mr Milky is probably about to fall asleep at 00:38, Mrs Cosplay is having dinner at 17:38, and Ms Catharsis is starting work in just under an hour at 14:38. I still find that weird after all this time. I’m lucky to have found these people… Very lucky.
Night dear reader… x
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 