Catharsis…

Well… What an interesting week. There’s been a shift in the Cosmos. After the events of last weekend, the Zoom fun, the long chats into the night, and discovering so many things in common, I’ve felt different ever since. The impact of it can’t be overstated. Ever since, I’ve felt something building. I’ve felt like I’ve been floating all week. I’ve been chatting most of the day and some of the night all week. We have a lot in common. Grieving, life changing events, major life transitions. Strange as it sounds, it’s interesting to have people that’s on a similar journey. If for completely different reasons.

I’ve had that Catharsis song on repeat on my earphones all day, every day at work. How the hell does someone do that without getting utterly sick and tired of it? All week I’ve been slowly getting more and more behind on my sleep, when every single day my intention is to have an early night. I’m just constantly chatting. Strange to have so much to say to so many of the Subsfam. Up to eight hours behind, I wake to find a nice video wishing me a good day. So I do the same. Since last weekend a couple of them have done this. How nice is that?

So we get to the end of the week again. It’s Friday at last. On my first break, I messaged Precious as the thought of dyeing my hair purple popped back into my head again yesterday. No idea why. My first thought was bleaching it and going vibrant purple. Precious rightly pointed out that if I hated it, I’d have to grow it out and I would have damaged my hair for nothing. So I should just apply the dye to my hair as it is. It might sound silly, but as soon as she said she liked the idea, that was my green light. I don’t know why it’s so important that she approves. I guess it’s because she has always had an amazing eye for these things. The thought occurred to me afterwards that it’s the nearest thing I can get to My Lady’s opinion. Makes sense.

Once I had pulled the trigger on the idea, I became excited like a little kid. I found myself very amusing all day. Another shift in the Cosmos… I immediately decided I was going to get the dye on the way home and get it done asap. Once my Princeling and I had eaten, I set everything up and took a breath. This is a big deal. I’ve never wanted to dye my hair until I lost My Lady. I used to think this was a strange reaction to the grief, but now I get it. I’ve said all along, the man I was before My Lady passed is dead. I barely recognise him now. I always knew I was changing but these last few weeks it’s felt like someone put a rocket on my growth. It all sounds quite dramatic doesn’t it? Well I’m known having a propensity for the dramatic. I don’t care. This IS dramatic, for me.

I probably assisted My Lady with dyeing her hair hundreds, if not thousands of times over the years. I remember the process well. Poignant. It’s very different doing it to yourself. Throughout the whole process, my heart was pumping. The ultimate in “Fuck it.” moments. So far, anyway. No turning back now. When I was rubbing the dye into my hair, I felt so strange. Almost like my brain was physically rerouting neurons.

Once I rinsed it out and my Princeling had done my old job of cleaning the dye off my neck with a wet wipe, I started blow drying it and the colour slowly started coming through. I laughed. I finished drying it and just stood there for a few minutes staring at myself in the mirror. I just couldn’t stop laughing. I felt manic. Purple hair. Who’d of thought it? I look at the photos of My Lady next to the mirror and wonder what she would have thought.

I send a photo to Precious and she loved it. She suggested dyeing the beard too. Another flutter of excitement… Why not? There’s something inside me fighting to get out and I have no idea what it is. I know one thing though. It’s a bit crazy…

I’ve decided I love it. By all accounts, everyone I’ve shown loves it too. Mad. I’ve just about finished everything in time for Electric Happy Hour and join Zoom for our UN meeting. Mrs Catharsis has a new job which meant she wasn’t about this time as it was her first shift. I sent a few messages of encouragement over the course of the evening. My all accounts, she smashed it. Good for her.

Before the UN meeting, another member was opening up in the group about how unhappy she was at home. The same evening, another messaged me to say they had thought about hurting themselves. Jesus… What is it about not only this week, but today in particular? It’s not just me having a catharsis it seems. I wonder how much effect Subsfam has on any of it? If anything. It’s been a catalyst for me, that’s for sure.

It’s become a thing to send a photo the second you wake up. Just to give each other a smile in the morning. A lot of us are down at the moment. After last week, I’m still pathetically grateful for those dedications. I’ll treasure that you know.

Silly video clips sent to each other to cheer up despite being down themselves. Nice.

So now it’s Saturday night, or to be accurate, Sunday morning. 2am in fact. Wow! I slept in late today. I need to spend time with my Princeling tomorrow.

Well, here I am at the end of another mental day. I’ve had a beer and am feeling nice and mellow. At the same time, my brain is tingling with excitement at the thought of the unknown changes afoot. Strange, as uncertainty has been a major anxiety trigger for me since losing My Lady. I need to go to bed. I can’t get too far behind on sleep. I’ve had lots of energy today. It would be nice to feel like this all the time.

Night friends. x