So the day finally came… One year to the day… I took the day off. Whether that was wise is debateable, but I really didn’t fancy standing in minus three conditions, pretending to be happy and friendly to the vaccinated. The day itself was bad, real bad. The first trigger actually came the night before, when one of My Lady’s closest colleagues text me to say they were thinking of us. Bam! There it is, the start of it. Great.
I distracted myself mostly. Sent Precious a loving text, knowing she will be in a similar vibe. My Princeling doesn’t work like that though. He seems to be dealing better.
So I get up the day after, get dressed for work. Three pairs of socks, PJ’s, jeans and waterproof trousers. Three T-shirts, a jumper, two coats, beanie hat, gloves and a scarf… I still get cold toes. Ever since those heart problems, my right big toe and outside of my right calf never did get the full sensation back. As a result, my big toe goes completely numb all day.
I roll up ten minutes early as usual and take my morning spot. I immediately notice a beautiful pastel sunrise. Great. It’s that time of year where, as I’m outside, I get to see the sunrise AND sunset. You may remember my post about sunsets. My Lady and I had a love of sunsets and rises. So I’ve been on site about five minutes and I’m triggered already. It’s all coming back. The emotions. I’m starting to realise how much things have changed in that regard. I’m right back to early times. I’m doing my best not to show it to my Princeling. He’s been an angel though. Bless him. Love him so much. He knows. He’s not stupid.
I have a volunteer with me on the exit. We get talking. Long story short, he lost his wife 4 years ago. Triggered. In the afternoon, I was on car park duties. The volunteer there was a Magistrate and Celebrant… Celebrant? Really? C’mon give me a break! As usual, my truth Tourette’s kicked in and I find myself deep in conversation about My Lady with a complete stranger. When will I stop doing that? Should I stop doing that? I have no idea.
Once I’m home, I get my bath run and start dinner. My Princeling and I are doing well with nailing down a normal routine. I’m working long hours, but my Princeling is bored out of his mind.
So Friday has come again at last. I never thought it possible but I look forward to it more every week and have more fun, and feel more love from these people every week. This week, Robb and JMac were doing an electric happy hour this time. Our UN meeting had started way before the live stream and we were having a blast. So much so that I turned the stream right down for a bit. I just about heard my favourite track of the moment, Catharsis. As it finished, I heard my name but I got to the volume too late and assumed he was mentioning something I had commented on.
The traditional last song of the night is Darkness Within. As usual a long intro, to say thanks etc. Then he says “This one goes out to Lord Crookedhorn. He’s having a rough time of it today. This time of year is always hard for him.” Robb looks knowingly over to JMac and he knowingly nods back. Don’t ask me how I knew, but I knew the guys had told them about why I was feeling shit. Turns out I was right.
I had already told the guys that I wanted to listen to it and muted them. When Robb dedicated Darkness Within to me, it nearly knocked me off of my chair. I turn around to my laptop and they are all smiling when they see my jaw drop to the floor. And it really did. I cried like a baby all the way through it. Unbelievable. These people are so special. I stayed up until half four in the morning and was, shall we say, more than a little tipsy.
One of my friends lost a family member not so long back. We have been there for each other a few times and both have been listening to Catharsis on repeat. I had a particularly eloquent message of love and support from a friend in New York. One in Australia too.
These guys know me so well. Between them, they got through directly to Robb to tell him about my plight.
I wake after midday and before I’m even fully awake (I’m a bit hungover) I see a reply to my thank you for Darkness Within post. My Iraqi friend said “Don’t forget Catharsis!”. I play it back and blow me. Robb said a personal message just for me and dedicated Catharsis just to me… So I’m crying like a baby again by now.
Last night, I spent most of the zoom meeting multitasking talking to them and messaging my friend in California, the one who lost her family member… Let’s call her Mrs Catharsis.
Bless her, I noticed her looking upset on the Zoom feed then she turned off her camera. I ask if she is ok as we were in the middle of a conversation at the time. Married with children, Mrs Catharsis it turns out, is very unhappy and the show, plus our UN meeting made her spill her guts to me. I give her what support I can from 5000 miles away. Between myself and one of our lady friends from Albuquerque we helped her feel a bit better.
Back to today, and around lunchtime, I receive a message from her saying she is going to stay with family. Somewhat out of the blue to say the least. That escalated quickly. I just ask her to confirm she got to her family safely and left her alone. Mad. Most of us are open books to each other and this is a prime example. She has been supportive through many of my meltdowns so I intend to be there for hers. I’m sure she has one coming.
So many of us are having a shit time and we all have had each other through it all. I still chuckle at the absurdity of it all. From my old perspective though, I guess.
Without Covid, None of this would have happened. Talk about silver linings. I even feel guilty for being grateful for the pandemic. Ugh, I should have been a Catholic.
It’s Saturday night now. Wow, I just checked the time and its nearly 1am. I need to get to bed. Monday will be horrific if I’m exhausted before I even start. Trouble is, having stayed up till half four last night, I’m wide a bloody wake!
Oh… It’s past midnight. That means it’s Valentines day. Joy. Another hated day. I’m struggling to keep strong what with all the constant anniversaries and stuff. I guess I’ll just keep going… Still. Bored now. I’ve had my free trial and I want to cancel my subscription. How I wish I could just check out and wallow in self pity to my hearts content. But no. I can’t, as ever. I deliberately (?) allow myself mini meltdowns now and am getting better at my poker face. I feel numb in my mind and body now and not in a good way. I’m going to try to sleep… No doubt I’ll have yet more nightmares to sooth my sleep.
Night friends… Or should I say morning? x
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 