“Happy” New Year..

So it’s New Year’s Eve. Whoop di f**king doo.

The worst year of my life is almost at an end. You’d think I’d be thinking ‘Thank the gods that’s over, next year will be better.’ wouldn’t you? Well… Not so much.

Question: Why on earth would 2021 be any better? The worst thing has already happened to me. The pandemic is simply out of control and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before we both get it. The new Covid variant is raging through the nation at an alarming rate. It makes the original almost look tame.

Despite the lack of mask wearing at my work, I’m hoping and praying that they don’t close the place down. As awful as the job is, without the (pitiful) wages, we would be screwed. We may be anyway.

My Princeling and I agreed to convene at half 11 to see the new year in together. Personally, I wanted to ignore the whole thing, just like Christmas, but as a parent I obviously feel obligated to carry the ritual out. He has been in his own space most of the day. We have dinner and a chat together and he retires back to his room, falls asleep and misses midnight, bless him. I spend the evening on Zoom with my Machine Head friends until My Princeling and I are due to reconvene. I can’t wake him up though. I try a few more times before midnight but he is dead to the world. I don my pink robe and go back on Zoom to find everyone else in their pink robes too. Funny. It’s become a thing to cover 80’s songs in a pink robe. Obviously more to that story but like I said… It’s a thing.

Much as my Princeling and I want to say a resounding “F**K YOU!!” to 2020, neither of us are under any illusion that anything will change. Why would it? The Cosmos has no concept of our calendar. “May 2021 better better for you.” I keep hearing people say to me. Retards. Yes, I know… They mean well, but people don’t think about what they are actually saying. To be fair, why would they? It’s another layer to grief you can know nothing about unless you’ve been through it. It’s become a standard programmed greeting for most people. As time progresses, people forget the shock and pain they may have felt when My Lady first passed away and carry on with their lives and fade away… Naturally… It’s what happens.

Every calendar event of the year holds a completely different meaning for me now. “Happy” New year, Christmas, birthday etc etc. I don’t care about any of it any more. The only reason I go through the motions is for the kids. The Christmas tree is still up… Purely because I don’t want to go through the pain of packing away the tree decorations we collected over the years. We purchased at least one on every holiday we ever went on. I’ll get it done today though. I’m tired of looking at it now.

I’m due to return to work Monday. I’m not looking forward to it. Hanging around with low rent scumbags is not something I relish. It still reminds me of all the shitty jobs I had when I was in my twenties. Nothing to strive for and the minute you mention “Progression”, they look at you like you’re either stupid or crazy. I’m struggling to see a way out of this today as well. I haven’t stopped looking for better jobs, but they seem either too far away, or they’re shift jobs.

I still have this bug but it’s fading now. Although I had a negative Covid test, I’m mystified as to why I still have a cough. Generally I don’t get coughs when I’m ill. I never have. I worried for a moment as I coughed and blew my nose into a tissue this morning and there was blood on it. ‘Shit’ I thought. Luckily it seems I was blowing my nose too hard. It will be interesting to see if anyone at work has anything to say about my being ill. I haven’t told the agency or the factory. It’s not Covid and I need to earn. Myself and my new Italian friend are the only ones who wear masks and regularly wash and sanitize our hands, they don’t give a shit if they either catch or transmit anything. My trainer was sniffling in my first week so this is probably from her. Have it back FFS!

My Princeling has gone to stay with Precious for a few days. The new year is getting off to the expected start. He’s struggled like all three of us over the last week or two and needed a break from the house. Precious will have been glad to leave too, for the same reason. My Princeling and I have been constantly surrounded by the home and life we had built over those 13 years, for nearly a full year. It’s been a blessing and a curse. I can’t imagine what it must be like for Precious, being away all the time and coming back to “Home” and her mother isn’t there. A gaping hole in this house that can never be filled… Ever.

So once my Princeling was gone, I poured myself a strong JD and coke and had a cigarette inside for the first time in ages… Decadent much. I potter around for a bit but then I’m bored, then I get down, then I put a depressing playlist on, then I get morose… Great… This again, how new. Work Husband and I have a couple of chats, but other than that I kept myself to myself. In the end, I get bored with being bored, annoyed about being down and angry about being morose. I finish some housework and check to see who’s on Zoom. Most of us were indeed on so we spent the night chatting shit and abusing each other, same as every UN meeting. I think it was around half 2 when I finally fell asleep.

Yesterday I woke around midday. That alone put me in a funny mood. I have to get up at 6:30 on Monday and I’m not helping myself by staying up so late. The guys really do help me feel better though when I’m having a bad time. I can say what I like and all I get back is love. There’s even a guy who lost his wife too, so I know someone actually gets it. After all these months, I’m still trying to figure out how/why we have got so close beyond the obvious. I’m not used to people being like this when I haven’t even met them. It sets alarms bells going off all around my head as we spent years avoiding getting too close to people and/or trusting them.

Having got up so late yesterday, I was determined not to go to sleep late. We have done “UN” meetings every night for days now. It’s rare we don’t drink together when we do and most of us can’t keep that up for too long. Everyone is quiet this evening and most of us are too tired to party. I spend the remainder of my evening figuring out Heavy Metal riffs to “Careless Whisper” by George Michael. (The pink robe thing.) I’m mildly amused for a while but much as my brain wants to run with it, my body has had enough. Lets see how many hours I spend thinking about how empty the bed is. I’m starting to notice the shape of the topper changing now there’s only one person sleeping on it. Ugh. My soul is so tired of the reminders. I set an alarm for 10am. Let see what I think of that at 10 am!

I woke this morning and it wasn’t too bad. Just the usual body ache from the bug. It literally only took a few minutes for a depression to wash over me. I started listening to some upbeat tunes but then I switched to the rain/thunder sounds and have had it on loop ever since. I can feel my mental health declining. I need to get back in the saddle and crack on with life. Yet again, this is not the time to lose my shit.

I’ve been sat here writing this drivel for over an hour now. Productive much. I’ll have another coffee and crack on. Can’t sit here all day, every day… Can I…?