Well, it’s been a while since I’ve blogged again. My life has pretty much continued from where my last blog left off. I’m still wading through this cluster of meltdowns.
The new job has been an interesting experience. As you know, I had washed and ironed all of my smart shirts in anticipation of (hopefully) making a good impression at this new job. I needn’t have bothered. The whole shop floor was about as low rent as it gets. The lady training me is a former heroin addict as is her brother who also works there. Most of them are young guys, who spend most of their day listening to Eminem (I hate it.) and talking about getting high or laid. It makes my skin crawl.
Minimum wage, little to no chance of progression and zero hope of a pay rise. One thing I’ve learned this year is that you should be grateful for (very) small mercies. As shit as it is, at least I have a job. Many others don’t. The only thing I’m concerned about really is getting us through the next year or two. My Princeling through college and Precious as financially stable as I can make her.
Friday was the 11th. Ten months to the day since My Lady passed away. I have no idea why, but even when I’m aware of it being the 11th, it only really hits me in the afternoon/evening. It really hits me hard though. Friday night is Machine Head acoustic happy hour and I look forward to this every week. Us “Subs club” members are so close now, we have a zoom meeting before and after the show. We even have the odd random zoom meeting in the week. Feeling so crappy on Friday, I was so looking forward to seeing them. They know what’s happened to me have have gone out of their way to help in any way they can. One couple all the way up North in Chester have said that all I need to do if I need someone is message them and they will come to me. I’m blown away by that. Incredible people.
Friday night and last night we got together and spent hours and hours chatting shit and drinking. I was nodding off by 1 am but some of the others carried on until 8 am! We got together last night too. Some were still hungover. These new friends… At the risk of being repetitive, I’m still blown away by their kindness and how much we’ve bonded. So many of us have been or are traumatised in some way. It’s good to have some more decent people in my life. I’m still cripplingly lonely. I’m sick of it. My closest are wonderful but they too have their own grief or mental health issues to deal with. Much as we would all like to, we are not always in the right head space to help each other out. The good thing is we all accept this and none of us take offence when someone goes off the radar sometimes.
Saw work husband and my dear friend and newly adopted brother this week. It’s so incredibly rare to see anyone I know these days. Work husband has finally moved out of his flat into a nice house only five minutes away. It’s always good to see him. We are both looking forward to being able to drop by on the off chance.
So it’s Sunday evening now. I made a point of getting as much of the Sunday routine as possible done yesterday. I knew I wouldn’t have it in me to get it all done today. It’s hard to give a damn about housework and so on when you’re depressed. Still, as ever, I do it anyway. I spent a couple of hours figuring out my finances. Time for some drastic cuts. I’m still grief spending a little on random trips to the local shop for something comforting. Usually bedtime chocolate and Cherry Coke. It’s amazing how much you can spend doing that every 2/3 days. So I finally decided to go to the local Tesco and do a proper shop. Old school, checking every price on the shelf and getting the cheapest I could find. It was so depressing. I hadn’t done a shop with that head set since we were poor and living on benefits. Throughout my time in there I was simmering. I nearly cried at one point but I managed to head that off at the pass.
Given the financial austerity I got a load of packed lunch items. Oh what a surprise… I got exactly the same things My Lady used to have in her lunch. I used to make hers every day. Red grapes, mini Soreen, Pepperami, cheese, and a bag of crisps. The announcement that the store is now closed came just as I walked through the exit. That was close. There’s a drizzle outside and a stiff breeze. I walk slowly back to the car with my face turned up the the sky, the rain soaking my face. The big black cloud above me fits my mood quite well. Is this really my life now? Scouring shop shelves for the cheap and nasty versions of all the items we used to get without a single thought. The only concession I made was for a small bag of MnM’s for bedtime. I even felt guilty about that. I forgot what it was really like to shop this way. I genuinely believed it would never be like that again.
I’m not playing guitar as much these days. I still play most nights but I don’t have as much time or energy to keep it up like I have most of this year. I’ve spent more time recording and mixing than anything else. The audio clip at the top of this page is one such recording. I just wanted to play what I felt. I certainly seem to have achieved that. It’s very melancholy. It was never supposed to be a proper song, more of an experiment in creating moods. I have to say, it sounds very much like how I felt at the time. In fact, most of the time.
Some of the subs club members are also musicians and we have been bouncing clips at each other for critique and/or to collaborate on some of it. That in itself is a new thing to me. Quite fun too. Hmm… “What is this “Fun” you speak of?” I seem to have lost touch with it’s meaning. Fun is a very relative word now. Nothing is genuine fun any more. Every single element of my life is still consumed by the loss of My Lady on one level or another.
I decided to make the effort to make a roast dinner this evening. I’ve avoided doing this for months. It’s just another thing we used to do together. The smell, the taste, all bring back memories. We also always used to eat watching TV together. Last year we really got into Star Trek Discovery. I tried to bring back some of that old routine and found a completely new series. ‘Cool’ I thought. ‘At least something I can get into’. At first it was ok. 3/4 of the way through it got harder and harder. My Lady would have loved the story line. That made me emotional. By the end of the episode, I was just staring blankly at the screen, barely taking any of it in, feeling more and more morose. The episode ended and switched the TV off and took my empty plate out to the kitchen with no intention of washing up or even tidying up out there.
So now I’m back at my desktop listening to the above track on repeat. What is it with that? I still deliberately put on depressing music of some sort, knowing full well it will make me feel worse.
On top of all this, Christmas is looming. Precious, my Princeling and I have always known this Christmas will be awful. I have no idea how to approach it with them. Should I try and make it like it always was or something new? If I try to keep it the same, will the kids resent it? Will it make them feel worse? Damned if I know. My Dad wants to come up and visit us but I don’t want anyone here really. The kids and I just want to hide in our bubble right here. I guess that might change, but for now I’m going to arrange to go down to the Mouth to visit my Dad and co. Assuming of course that Covid doesn’t go crazy between now and then.
So Sunday is nearly over and the week begins anew. Joy… Rapture that cannot be counted on ones fingers… This year keeps on throwing shit at me, again and again. Just like all the other things, I’ve said this all year. It never stops.
Today can get lost now… I would say ‘Let tomorrow not be quite such an arse.’, but I know it will be. Why would anything change? I can’t see one thing happening any time soon that will do anything other than depress or stress me out still further. I say this again and again but how I don’t just curl up and give up on life is beyond me. I’m not into self harm at all, but if I could just switch life off… Totally… Permanently… I would.
So mote it be…
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 