Connection…

Surreal: adjective. Having the qualities of surrealism; bizarre. “a surreal mix of fact and fantasy”

No shit…

This week has been another strange one. The winter depression kicked in pretty hard this week. I’ve had a nap at some point almost every day for a week. Not a good sign. I’ve also been feeling particularly lonely. I’ve been quite insular at the same time. Weird.

I only had work Monday and Friday morning this week. Enough time to try and get my head around this caring job… Still. I’m pretty sure I don’t want to do it long term. It takes too much out of me. I have options though, as I have had a nibble or two from recruitment agencies. More options than I know what to do with to be honest. Great problem to have but still… Mental overload. I have a couple of clients that I’m bonding with so those ones are stress free mostly. I’ve learned what they need now.

I just can’t shake this latest depression. I can feel it’s starting to eat me up a bit. I’m struggling with bedtimes again. Lying there curled up as tight as possible, yet feeling an ocean of empty space around me. It feels like the bed could be going for miles. Interestingly I found myself over on ‘my’ side of the bed this morning. That’s new. Anyway, Thursday evening I’m done with the day early, sick of feeling morose and mooching around the house. Seemed like a good idea to go and feel morose in bed instead. I log in to Facebook and there’s a Machine Head “Subs club” live stream on. Perfect timing. So I’m watching it and Robb is talking away, but I can’t hear anyone else. I ask why in the chat and it turns out Robb randomly decided to do a zoom meeting for us. There were only 10-15 members there. No way? I get the code and password and holy crap, I’m in a zoom meeting with Robb Flynn and the rest of the nut jobs I’ve been hanging around with on Friday nights. Just… Wow. We all kind of “know” each other from the live chat so it was great to actually meet them. Bunch of absolute nutters. I’m in good company.

I missed most of it and none of us were prepared for it either. I had just got in bed, naked under the sheets, bad lighting, mic not setup… I wasn’t alone but in my haste, I didn’t even think about being topless in a room that looked like it was in a red light district what with the salt lamps. I also didn’t think about the zoom meeting turning into Robb’s NFR podcast. Robb usually interviews some famous rock star for his podcast but this was spontaneous.

We were all blown away. A handful of fans from all over the world drinking beer and chatting shit. Hilarious. One guy was swinging a set of dildo nun chucks… Oh and did you know dildo’s were illegal in Iraq? Me either… You see… Crazy people! We all added each other on Facebook and continued talking till late. “Depression buddies” as one lady put it. Hmm. Maybe she’s right. It made me think of all the stereotypical angsty/depressed teenagers, bonding in depression and fandom. Lyrics that you relate to. Usually about sad or traumatic events of some kind. Well… I AM depressed. Some of these lovely people have been through crap too, heavy crap. Most of us are somewhere near 40 which makes it even funnier. Remember me saying about being a “Teeny fan”?

One of the guys in the group actually has Robbs phone number and we even set up a joke on someone with Robb in on it. Ever since, my phone won’t stop pinging as we are all still chatting. One of them is from Reading… Reading? Just up the road really. 15ish people planet wide and one of them basically lives next door.

I have no idea if it’s rare for a famous artist to do stuff like this or whether it’s a symptom of the pandemic. Either way, having spent so much time talking with each other and Robb this year, we genuinely feel connected. Even to Robb to an extent. I can say one thing, it’s a damn good way of getting/keeping fans. Accessibility.

So I’m sat on my sofa with the laptop bashing out this drivel. I feel like shit. Can’t be arsed to do anything, even play guitar. If I still feel like this on Monday, I’m calling the doctor. Not sure what he can do for me this time though. Simply changing the dose won’t fix it and I really don’t need another roller coaster as the new dose levels out. Maybe I can get to see a Psychiatrist. I’ve wanted to for a long time. To be able to open up completely, even those dark corners of the mind that never get aired. I think I need that. Maybe I could finally come to terms with some old demons that continue to haunt me. That would be interesting to say the least.

I haven’t blogged much recently. It seems it’s the grief that really gets me writing rather than depression and but as I type, I can feel the big heavy weight easing slightly. I had a quick chat with work husband today. It was all I could do to say “How you doing?” Apart from my Princeling, I haven’t talked to anyone all day. I can’t be bothered to poke anyone else now. I’ll just sit here depressed as hell, wait till my Princeling gets home and go to bed again. I might even have a nap in the meantime.

I miss My Lady so much…