And around we go…

Why does life go around in circles again and again? Without a change in perception or behaviour, what else do I think would happen? The only thing that changes is the time intervals between events. The last few days have been hell. The colossal relief I felt when I found out I only had work Monday and Friday spoke volumes to me. It will be interesting to see how it goes. Not that confident to be honest.

As much as I don’t like big changes, part of me would stress if nothing changed. For example, the thought of a whole new career would stress me out anyway, but given my new situation, I HAVE to keep going regardless. So if I’m not moving forward with my new roles, I stress about that too. I can’t win. The penny dropped today that I’ll be expected to be available on Christmas eve and day. Yeah probably not. What, first Christmas without My Lady and you think I’m going to be working? It’s going to be awful as it is. The Christmas build up has started in earnest now. Christmas can fuck off. I’ll buy gifts and food etc, but one thing the three of us agree on is this Christmas is going to be real shit. Don’t bant it… No not.

I’ve been crying a lot over the last week or two. It’s getting exhausting. I just picked up my guitar to distract myself and I just can’t be bothered. It’s been going well too. All I want to do is go to sleep. My Princeling will be home soon and will want feeding. It’s been raining all day. I just feel like I’m clinging on until I can let go and go to sleep and escape this nightmare. It been so hard this week. It was the anniversary of My Lady’s passing and her funeral in the space of two days. Same as every month.

Live, die, repeat. Ad infinitum.

Everything is taking its toll on my mental health. Constantly worrying about work, Coronavirus, the kids, people who won’t look after themselves and more besides. I’m starting to snap at people. That’s new. I have nothing left to give. It takes all my mental and emotional capacity to just function in my job and family and if anything else comes along… Well I don’t know how I’ll cope. Probably by over reacting and ripping someone’s head off. Quite likely as I really don’t care what people think of me right now. It would be just my bloody luck, I’ll get Covid. Like I said, it’s closing in around me. I can feel my mind trying to go into denial mode again but I can’t let it. All very well when fully locked down and furloughed with nothing to do, but not productive.

This new found empathy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’m empathising so much, it hurts. I need to not care so much in general. I feel myself detaching from a lot of things. Not what I wanted and a sure fire way of ending up very lonely. If I could even get any more lonely. I’m done trying to look after everyone else. With couple of exceptions, it’s not appreciated and the effect on my mental health… I’ve spiralled and now I’m in full triggered mode… Again… And around we go.

I don’t think anyone is going to buy this dead horse…