“Unless I’m very much mistaken… I AM very much mistaken!”

I’m sat in the waiting room while my MOT is being done. I know it’s going to fail as I have an airbag light on. That’s not what worries me. It’s the rest. I need this car to be a cheap fix or I’m screwed. Last thing I need to do is have to dip into the savings for a new car. Why does everything have to be so difficult? In theory, it shouldn’t be too bad. One tyre and the airbag light hopefully. I changed the brake pads last year, so they will be fine. My front shocks aren’t as good as they were, hopefully they won’t fail.

I’m supposed to be starting on my own with my new job tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. The only way to find out is to stop bitching and pontificating and get on with it. Ugh… such an effort to do anything right now. How the hell I keep going I have no idea. I’ve said that a lot this year. I never have an answer to that one. Not sure I ever will.

I don’t want to pop over the road to my old place of work. Much as I have a fair few friends there, I don’t want reminding of the security I lost. Ugh… I feel so pathetic right now.

I agreed to leave the back door key out back as My Princeling has lost his key. I forgot. It’s hammering down. Ugh… again. Such a shit parent. Unless they condemn my car, I’ll be back in time but that’s not the point.

They should be nearly done with the car by now. More anxiety. I just want to zoom forward a month or two and dispense with the transition. Or find a very local full time job with an hour for lunch. That would be easier on my head. I’m still looking. Seems silly not to. Something will come up. The good thing about the nursing job is they fit you in with your life routine. Not that I have one of course. That’s half the problem. Mot wasn’t too bad. CV boot and the airbag light along with a couple of tyres. Could have been a lot worse.

Another three anniversaries in the next couple of months. Halloween would have been our 13th civil wedding anniversary. 21st November, my step mums passing. Two days before Christmas when we lost the Darkest of Stars, bless him.

Christmas will be horrific. What will we even do? Roast dinner, maybe some cards, a movie or two. The whole time torn up by My Lady not being with us. It will be intense for all of us. Chances are, we won’t even be able to visit anyone. Maybe even Precious won’t be able to come home. The second wave has moved on to the surfing world championships and various cities are going into full lockdown one by one.

I’m getting scared about the pandemic again. At least two of my friends have had it. Precious’ friends have it. She is waiting on her test results. It’s getting closer and closer to home. Nearly 22,000 new cases in the last 24 hours. It’s out of control again and we all know it.

I just checked todays daily figure and it’s gone up to nearly 27,000 in 24 hours! Like I said, out of control. I don’t see how we are going to get through this without another full lockdown. I get they are trying to minimise the economic impact but if everyone is either dead or sick there wont be an economy to save!

I played guitar for a couple of hours tonight. It really helps my anxiety. Particularly noticeable this time. For the first time I actually wanted to reach out today. With all the love in the world to my friends and family, they have no idea what I’m going through from an experiential point of view. I text Mrs Golf this morning asking if she fancied a chat later. She suggested face time as we can both see a friendly face. Cracking idea. I’ve not long got off the phone to her. We were talking for over two hours. To be quite frank, she is the ONLY one that gets how I feel. Much needed. It’s also nice to have a two way street with her. I cheered her up the other day and she certainly cheered me up tonight. I think she may be a keeper. It’s been a long time since I have made a genuinely new friend.

So I’m due at my first visit at 9am. Jesus, I just looked at the clock and its midnight! I’d better get to bed. Well, at least I’m not freaking out now. I might not be awake for ages overthinking either. Music and a friend who understands… Nice way to end a shitty day.

Night friends… x