Fun times…

I’m sat in the cardiac ward waiting to be taken through for my angiogram. Just being anywhere near this bloody hospital is horrible. At least I’m nowhere near ICU. Of course every part of the hospital looks more or less the same but it’s in a different building. Naked apart from my gown, my legs are freezing. I have no filter this morning, I was just asked about my Epilepsy and then proceeded to give the nurse my life story. How new. Man I’m depressed right now. Still, after all this time, I’m utterly confused. Being sat on this bed is taking me right back. It makes it all feel like it only just happened… Again. I’d imagine yesterday’s events have contributed somewhat.

I’m back on the ward now. The procedure was the weirdest sensation. When they injected the contrast dye it felt like it was freezing and burning at the same time. Not as weird as feeling the tube go all the way up the vein in my arm and in to my chest. One thing that surprised me was that I couldn’t feel it beyond that. I could see the tube actually touching my heart but I couldn’t feel it.

So, it would seem there is nothing wrong with my heart. If anything my heart AND lungs are particularly healthy. Mad considering I’ve smoked for around thirty years. So what ARE my symptoms about? I might never find out it seems. I’m starting to think some of it may be neurological. I’d imagine it could be possible for the stress and maybe even previous damage from my seizure in 2016 to be a contributing factor. I have no idea. I’ll look into that. Google doctor can be a very dangerous thing though so I only research on official medical papers. Drives me crazy when someone watches some random YouTube video and then thinks they are a specialist.

So my dear friend and newly adopted brother collected me from hospital and I’m now home. I have to be really careful with my right arm. I’m basically left handed for a couple of days. Interesting. I’m sleeping on the sofa for a couple of nights. It seems the post care can be more problematic than the procedure itself. After nearly four solid days of rain, the sun has finally come out. Unusually, (recently) I find this uplifting. Needed. Post visit to that place… I believe the colloquial term is “Not ideal.” I’m sat here destroying a bag of minstrels trying not to think about back then. I find my mind desperately clawing around for a distraction only for the pain to come straight back. This song is helping. 6-8 time. The weird timings are pulling my mind away. Have a listen.

Dinner time will be interesting. I’m not supposed to cook either. We’ve had too many takeaways recently so I’m reticent to get another. Not sure my tummy would appreciate it either. I don’t know… I don’t know what to do with myself right now. I keep thinking of things to do for distraction, then thinking ‘No you can’t do that either’. Probably shouldn’t even be typing so I’ll stop here.