The trapped nerve that I had yesterday is still there. Given that my potential heart problems are still being investigated I called the doctor… Yet again. Joy. I’m going to the surgery later. While I was out walking Mr C, my chest got so tight it scared me a little. I was quite breathless with it. After talking to the doctor the thought occurred to me that I still haven’t even written down my wishes in the event of my dying. Shit… That’s quite important really… Just a bit!
It’s the weirdest thing writing down what you want to happen when you die. Given everything that’s happened this year and my constant health problems since My Lady passed away, I feel it’s more than possible. Even feel it’s likely at some points. If My Lady can die on me, I’d believe anything right now. It’s almost like writing your will when you KNOW you’re going to die… Soon. Jebus, that’s morbid! I laugh but I’m taking this very seriously, even down to noting the exact co-ordinates where My Lady and I are to be buried/scattered. Perversely, there’s something comforting in the process but at the same time there’s the horror of thinking about how the kids will deal with it, both emotionally and logistically.
No problems found at the doctors. ECG all good, listened to my chest, all good. Symptoms are still there. So yet more tests. I’m being booked in for a Cardioangiogram now. If that’s clear then god knows what’s going on.
Getting back to the will writing, I find it strange… It’s nearly complete and the process has calmed me. I wasn’t particularly distressed anyway but having sorted out the affairs of My Lady, laying mine out has made me relax on a level that I didn’t even know was bothering me. Having it all done means that whatever happens to me, the kids won’t have to deal with as much as I did. It’s totally overwhelming going through every last thing with a fine toothed comb in the first two weeks of your loved one passing. I have created a full instruction manual. If you haven’t done this, please consider it. Your loved ones won’t know it but they will suffer a lot less if you take as much work out of it as possible for them. Just list all of your accounts and utilities with account numbers and any login details. If nothing else, get a funeral plan going asap and if you can, pay it off as early as possible. My Lady’s plan was two months old when she passed away. We didn’t even get the few payments she made back.
Just get it sorted… Please. Don’t wait or put it off. You really have NO IDEA what could happen at any time… Trust me.
This is a strange feeling. As I mentioned previously, when all these heart symptoms came along I wasn’t scared in the slightest. Far from it. I was quite ok with dying from a heart attack. If anything part of me at the time resented NOT dying from a broken heart… I mean… I’m not supposed to survive this. It really is the end of the world. Still don’t want it without My Lady by my side. Again, I look after myself for my loved ones. Much as I couldn’t deal with another death, neither could they. I’ve discussed it with a few close people and we are all in agreement. No dying just yet thanks. I’m very lucky to have plenty of people that love me. If I had no one and no responsibility, I’d definitely be dead by now… 100%. I’d have just spiralled into self- destruct mode. Actually, I did a few times but I fought it as hard as I could and I’m still here so… I guess that’s a good thing… Meh. Like I said, lucky we don’t live in a gun country. First week…? Bang. No question whatsoever. In all my life, I’ve never wanted to end it and could never understand why anyone could consider it. Until then… You only have to have the guts for a split second. Game over and no respawing.
Anyway, enough of such pleasant reminiscences. No need to be up as early tomorrow so I’ll do a couple of races before bed. I don’t look forward to bedtime. The loneliness is getting worse when I’m in bed. Can’t sleep for ages. Took over two hours last night and I was in bed early because I was exhausted.
Lets see what this Formula 3 car is like. First high downforce car I’ve used. Different skills entirely.
Laters… x
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 