A welcome break from trauma…

So Precious has gone home. As predicted, it was very emotional for me. I had hoped I would be able to deal with it and keep it together. As soon as she couldn’t see me… Yep, I started crying. It’s always so hard to deal with the crying when I’ve had a break from it. It didn’t last long as I was driving but now I’m back to simmering. I simply have to not play “those” songs. Trouble is, it’s getting to the point where my grief connects with the lyrics of most songs other than the Metal stuff and even then, some of them…

So despite telling myself not to, here I am in Costa again blogging. I guess it’s good for me. I broke the 20k word barrier recently. 20 thousand words??!! Jesus. I haven’t written that many in years. Something in me wants this blog to be of more use than just for me to look back on previous head spaces though. Maybe I should redirect this writing into lyrics or poetry. I did make a start on “I Am The Storm!” and received good feedback on it. It’s only a couple of verses with the chorus repeated.

This writing process has rekindled my interest in actually finishing the songs I wrote way back in 2007. I was blown away last night when I had the idea of blending two of those songs into one. They fit almost perfectly and I never even realised. The vibe works perfectly too, the first being happy and floaty, love and happiness. Putting the other one after that is perfect for the mid song transition.The other being a rock song with a gradual buildup to a frantic crescendo. I want the song to represent the falling in love and the tragedy and trauma of the end.

I think I’ll go and spend the rest of the time before my Princeling gets home fiddling with the songs. More later…

So, complete masochist that I am, I came straight home and did the very thing I said I wouldn’t. For hours. Shrugged it off eventually by playing guitar. I didn’t touch my songs either. I just played though my recent list. Even then, I wasn’t playing very well. It wasn’t about being perfect though. It’s bugging nonetheless. Once you pull off something special, it’s really hard to deal with mistakes when you know you can do it. Oh well, I’ve had a lot of good days and I know I’m a far better player than I have ever been. I should be grateful really. Grateful… Hmmm. What is there for me to be grateful about? I woke up… Great… On my own… Again… Great. Bedtime is getting increasingly difficult recently. I don’t know why particularly now. I lie there thinking about how lonely I am and how much I miss naked cuddles with My Lady. Just the naked cuddles. I miss that more than anything right now. No matter how good or bad we were, in 13 years we never didn’t want to sleep together. Even when My Lady went to bed early, I’d take up tea and biscuits. We would chat a bit more, then I’d kiss her forehead good night… I can still smell her hair…