Let it rain…

3rd September 2020.

Out walking Mr C and it’s starting to rain. Oh yeah, that’ll be the big dark cloud over my head. I’m happy to get wet. The woods triggered me. So much for getting out of the house to clear my head. I feel worse.

Finish this later, my phone is getting wet…

I’m done with today. Got home soaked. Spent nearly 4 hours playing guitar, then did a few races. Something was working as I played better than ever AND got my first lights to flag victory in my IRacing F2000 Championship race. Next race I got 2nd. In the zone.

4th September 2020.

It would have been my mothers birthday today. Sad as it is I’m not that affected by it. She had disowned me along with my half sister years ago in a fit of alcoholic paranoia. It’s still a strange feeling, don’t get me wrong but there’s barely been a few sentences passed between us since she disowned me the best part of 20 years ago. Ironically, she tried to make contact almost exactly a month before she passed away. “Not 100% your fault.” ‘Wow!’ I thought… Evan after all these years, she still can’t see what happened. I replied and left the door open. She died shortly after. That leaves a lot of unanswered questions for my half sister and I. Just have to live with that.

My Princeling is staying at his friends again tonight. I’ll be on my own for over 24 hours. I was looking forward to it but randomly in the middle of the day I became depressed and just had a nap on the sofa. That’s 3 in a week now. I’m getting enough sleep too. I have no issues getting up early any more either.

Precious is coming home for a few days tomorrow. She really has no idea how much I miss her. I tell her often but she doesn’t know how much. I don’t want her to either, weird as it sounds. I don’t want to add my suffering to hers. The last time we were together was an intense emotional time for all of us. That was the only time we have been together at home since the funeral. I’m making the house nice for her return. It’s not bad at all but I like to make a fuss and have it all lovely for her. It will feel empty enough as it is, so I try to liven the place up. Even checked the TV still works! I’m sure my Princeling thinks I’m nuts for it, bless him.

I can feel my mood slipping again. I felt it start when my Princeling left. It might not be the same as adult company but like before, I can always sense or hear his presence in the house. Missing him already. So I guess lots more guitar and racing tonight. Currently 8:15pm so I won’t be able to crank it up much. It’s always the same. I can’t be bothered to play so I force myself knowing full well, once I get going, I’ll enjoy it. I should probably stop listening to the waves all the time. I’d imagine it isn’t helping.