3rd September 2020.
Not sure how I feel today. For some reason I was compelled to hunt through old photos this morning. Always a masochistic process these days. I was pleased to find the background image I had on my MySpace profile when I met My Lady. The Green Man. How I even still have it is beyond me. It’s now my desktop background. I also found many photos of the Moon and stars. Remember my obsession about the Moon phases? I found one from the day of our civil wedding and it matches my tattoo.
It’s also the opposite of the phase I noted while My Lady was in hospital. Figures…
I wish I could snap out of this obsession with the Pagan vibe we were in when we met. It’s not been a things for years. It was some comfort when I was practising. Maybe that’s why. God know’s I need some comfort right now…
Great… Self triggering now… I’m really good at that. Once I go on the memory train, I always spiral into a full on crying session. I know this. I’ve known this for some time. Yet… I keep doing it. I was told in one of the Cruse meetings that they thought I was avoiding the grief and I should try to embrace it. Really? You should see me on a day like this. How healthy embracing it on this level is, I have no idea.
So all the wrong songs. All the wrong playlists. I have several depressed/despairing playlists… How morose.
And yet, I keep going…
Enough of this shit. If I carry on feeling sorry for myself I know from experience that I’ll be in this mood for days. Off with the music and out with Mr C… Grrr.
The Life and Times of Lord Crookedhorn. 